Flogging is fun, and like anything worth doing, takes a bit of practice and experience to do well.
Here’s a fun little educational video from Tiger Lee and Dead Red at PirateFashions.com.
Flogging is fun, and like anything worth doing, takes a bit of practice and experience to do well.
Here’s a fun little educational video from Tiger Lee and Dead Red at PirateFashions.com.
Well, I’ve been in this same situation, and have thought about it a lot. A whole lot.
TLDR: Talk with your partner, be honest, and decide together what’s okay, what’s cheating, and what will be a betrayal that ends your marriage.
My wife had health issues that sucked, and wiped out her libido for years. We are monogamous, and I will not cheat. She was always fine with me masturbating, and I did it a lot. But it wasn’t enough. One gets bored, and goes a bit crazy. My actions as I tried to address this did cause real issues in our marriage, including after she got better.
My sincere advice: first, define for yourself what constitutes cheating. Next, ask yourself what you want to do. It’s a sort of a continuum: jerk off, porn, online chats, strip clubs, watching cam models, happy ending massages, live sex shows, hookers, a fwb, anonymous hookups, an affair. Decide where you draw the line. For me, it was letting anyone else touch my cock. Then, have a real conversation with her –which could be very, very hard– of what you need, what you’re not getting, and what you want to do.
The conversation might be difficult and emotional, and she may not like it, but the key thing is that you’re being honest. And relationships can recover from infidelity, but less likely dishonesty.
For us, I fucked up by deciding by myself what was okay and what wasn’t. I felt virtuous because I wasn’t cheating on her, despite my sex starvation. But I was afraid of the conflict, and hurting her, and probably also her possible objections. In fairness to myself, she was defensive and fragile. But that doesn’t excuse my actions.
I consider myself an honest person, and I never hid my porn use, usually sitting next to her on the couch while I watched xhamster or chatted on Literotica or FetLife.
Anyway… I always thought of cam models as just live amateur porn. Didn’t watch a lot, but when she was better I suggested we watch together. She felt shocked I had been interacting 1:1, and felt betrayed, totally felt it was cheating. I still don’t. We disagreed, as people will. But if we had spoken ahead of time, I could have prevented a real crisis in our marriage. Maybe I could have even said I disagree, and I’m doing it anyway. But it became me cheating on her behind her back.
Had other fuck ups as well. But the key thing is to use your words. And come to an agreement. And you may have to have multiple conversations. But if you want to stay married, you have to stay honest. And if you’re going to be frustrated and resentful, you’re heading for misery and/or divorce anyway. Better to work things out. I’ve been talking to a therapist since, and he says he sees this all the time, and has seen couples even negotiate open marriages, or marriages end during discussions. But when there’s lying, they always end.
Comment below if you have thoughts or want to discuss: I’m always happy to share my hard-earned wisdom of what NOT to do. 😀
My gal and I just went to the nude beach!
She’s a good sport, but definitely had some BIGTIME nervousness about it.
Not because she’s a prude. She’s comfortable with nudity.
Not because she’s afraid of people looking at her. For one thing she doesn’t think anyone would be interested, for another, because we wound up pretty much sitting in the gay section.
Basically, she just doesn’t feel good about how she looks, and it makes her feel bad.
This, in turn, makes me sad. I think she looks beautiful, and sexy, and I had hoped she’d find the experience empowering and fun.
The good news is that she did enjoy it, after she got over the nervousness of doing something new. And the weather turned out great. She even admitted she had a nice day.
But she also said it didn’t do anything for her.
For me, I just enjoyed the exhilaration of being naked. It’s so much fun. And I like people watching, and to be honest, would also like to make some open-minded friends, even though we aren’t swingers and never will be.
As we talked about it, the core issue I discerned is that she just doesn’t feel good about how she looks. And never has. And for that reason alone, she can’t enjoy the nude beach experience like I do.
So, what to do?
How do I help my wife get comfortable with her body?
I found a great blog post that I think had some good advice if you find yourself in a similar situation: Tell her she’s beautiful, tell her how her being naked is something you desire and enjoy, give her time to prepare, focus on her and not her girly parts, watch your words and don’t talk about other women. Sound advice. Not a quick fix, but good stuff.
If you haven’t come across Pamela Madsen yet, she’s a popular –if somewhat controversial– sex coach and author. Her book, “Shameless,” is a great read, although her personal solution of a submissive relationship outside her long-term vanilla marriage isn’t an option that I think is viable for most of us.
But I admire her passion and bravery, and her writings are usually worth reading. Her latest article in the Huffington Post is particularly good. In this article, she talks about “Female Responsive Desire.”
The gist is that that many women –perhaps even a majority– find the focused desire of their pursuer a huge turn-on… and when that desire goes away, so does their sex drive. To quote her article:
For women who have responsive sexual desire (which is an extraordinarily large number), it can be really important that they feel sexually desired. If the woman doesn’t feel the desire, she will probably not be inspired to have sex. This is why so many people are addicted to what is known as “New Relationship Energy.” They need to feel hot desire and the game of pursuit to access their full erotic turn on. It’s amazing how quickly a steamy love affair can fade with a woman who has responsive sexual desire, when she feels the hot desire from her lover turn to warm desire .
Women with responsive sexual desire really want you to want them and require erotic stimulation in order to first feel arousal then desire for sex. I think that’s why so many women love to read romantic novels.
This just makes a huge amount of sense. As do her suggestions that the best way to turn on this kind of woman is to shower her with attention in all kinds of ways, including making it clear you desire her sexually.
This is a 2010 post from my old blog; I’m reposting it here since it’s relevant to a conversation on a thread in the FetLIfe Just in the Bedroom group.
There are plenty of articles out there about how roleplay and D/s gives one “permission” to be slut.
However, it occurred to me the other day during our ‘play date’ that the same thing is true for the person who is in the dominant role.
By assuming our roles, it gives me permission to treat her like a slut, a whore, or as she likes to be called, “my dirty fuck hole.”
In our day-to-day lives, I’d never, ever treat her like that, nor even think of her that way. Actually, even as I write this, the idea is a bit horrifying. But, in the bedroom, I give her what she needs by ordering her to strip, pleasure me, assume submissive positions, crawl, be tied, spanked, whatever.
Our bondage play and such really started at her suggestion, although being a happy kinkster I’ve been delighted to accommodate her. But last week as I viewed her on the floor, completely naked on her knees, her forehead touching the floor, her hands out ahead of her, her ass in the air, and her legs spread a bit to give me easy access to her pussy and ass, I realized that the roleplay was giving me permission to actually ask for what I wanted. And what I wanted was this:.Complete and absolute carnality without regard to what she might think of me for asking (no, telling) her to do, or even possibly her own desires and do/don’t list. To some degree, this is objectifying this woman that I love, the mother of my children, by treating her as a vessel for my own sexual desires.
That I’m actually fulfilling her needs has always made our play okay with me intellectually on one level. But it’s only been recently, and I mean, like, in the last 6 months, that I got through some other mental barrier of my own to reach a new level, where I no longer play a role trying to cater to what I’ve been able to figure out around her sexual fantasies and desires, and asking only for what I think she, my wife, will let me do or wants me to do. Now, by adding that element of objectification, I’m separating the person that is my wife from my own desires. I’ve stopped (well, started to stop) worrying about her rejecting what I want and me as a person for asking for it, and am increasingly ordering her more firmly to do what I want her to do. This may seem like a small difference, especially if you’re a novice around D/s, but believe me, it’s not.
The result has been more satisfying roleplay sessions for both of us. It’s become more real, we’re both more invested in the scenes, and even if the scenes still aren’t terribly extreme, they’re more sincere. That in turn means more tension, build-up, release. And if the actual orgasms aren’t quantifiably stronger than the one’s we’ve had for the other 10+ years of our marriage, the cathartic release on other levels is. There are parts of both of us that are getting more nourished I think. Actually, being able to order my wife to get on her knees, reach behind her, and spread her asshole wide for me while I watch is a powerful thing that I was not comfortable doing six months ago. She’s not an object. But now, for a couple blissful hours each month, she is. And she’s delighted to be. It rocks. I am more fulfilled as a result. And by me getting more fulfilled, she’s more fulfilled as well. And that’s how it should be with sexual activity of two people who care about each other, of course.
I still haven’t asked her to do everything I want her to… there’s still lots of things I’m afraid to ask her for. But the day (or morning) is coming when I will. And I’m looking forward to it. And so is she. And if she ever does refuse me, maybe, just maybe, we’ll actually get into me actually really punishing her for the first time during one of our sessions. Which, I know, is one of her deep dark fantasies which I haven’t yet been able to fulfill for her yet, either. But without roleplay, I’m not sure we’d give ourselves and each other permission to fulfill each of our respective needs.
Maggie McNeill writes a provocative and well-reasoned pro-sex blog, The Honest Courtesan: Frank commentary from a retired call girl, that you should check out. She’s honest to a fault, pulls no punches, and is putting out a book of her compiled books soon. Check her out and watch for her book!
Here’s her story for how she discovered her interest in bondage and kinky sex, used with her permission.
…I might as well complete my confessional and admit that I’m terribly turned on by being tied up, and always have been. In my column of July 28th I mentioned that certain situations on TV made me feel “funny”, but that nobody else seemed affected; that’s because most of those situations involved bondage. Most people seem able to watch a scene of a woman being tied up without sexual arousal, but not me; watching girls being captured by bandits, carried off by monsters or chained and collared as slaves did it for me as well. Of course when I was four I had no idea what sex was and could not possibly have connected it to bondage even if I had; the recognition of the “funny feelings” as sexual did not come until I was about 12. But that didn’t stop me from enjoying the part of the damsel in distress in neighborhood make-believe games; somehow I usually managed to be the girl who was carried off or captured by the bad guys and had to be rescued. And if I was lucky they had rope handy and would really tie me to a tree or chair!
By the time I turned 17 I had discovered that if a man held my wrists down during sex it really got me going, so the first time a trusted boyfriend asked if he could tie me up I obviously agreed with great enthusiasm. That in turn led to blindfolds, gags, handcuffs, dominance and submission games and even spanking and whipping; though pain never really did anything for me, the act of submitting to the whipping was terribly exciting. In other words, it wasn’t the pain which turned me on but the fact that a man had the power to do it to me. Though neofeminists deny it, the fact is that most women are sexually aroused to one degree or another by being dominated by a man in a sexual situation; most male-dominant BDSM is an exaggeration of the normal female impulse rather than something completely different, which is why the rape fantasy is still among the most common of female sexual fantasies. The opposition of neofeminists to BDSM, like their opposition to prostitution, has nothing to do with their self-proclaimed “concern” for women and everything to do with their tired old anti-sex agenda. Neofeminism treats all non-neofeminist women as imbeciles and denies we have the right to make our own sexual choices when those choices conflict with neofeminist dogma. This is, of course, done “for our own good”; funny how often that phrase comes up whenever sex is concerned.
I think she’s absolutely right about what arouses a goodly number –but certainly not all!– women. I also like that she says that she’s not turned on by pain. That echoes what my gal and I enjoy, and it’s nice for some to say it so definitively. While “your kink is not my kink and that’s okay,” sometimes I do feel like folks look at you a bit cross-eyed when you say you don’t enjoy what they do. If you want to enjoy bondage, you don’t always need to be into the full alphabet of letters, including “s” and “m”.
Check her out!
To paraphrase Shakira: The thighs don’t lie!
In my last post, I shared stories of the bad marriage of my alcoholic parents and step-parents, and how that not only didn’t turn me off marriage, but provided me with hard-won answers to what I wanted in my own life and relationships.
I spent Christmases alone in Atlantic City. I was starved for connection and family. I wanted, needed someone to love, to love me, to care about, to make a good life with. To cure my loneliness.
I wanted someone who could be my partner, who could be honest, who I could have kids with. I wanted someone to care about, and to care about me. Who put the same emphasis on family, and on helping and wanting the best for each other and our kids.
I came to the conclusion that family is everything, and why we’re here. I reasoned that if everyone decided to not have kids, then the world stops, at least as far as humanity is concerned. So we must be here to bring the next generation in the world, raise them, love them, and hopefully leave the world a better place with the legacy our kids represent. And I wanted to give these kids the love I felt that I had missed out myself.
Not being raised with any religious instruction except my father’s contemptuous dismissal of all religions as stupid, I had had no moral or cultural basis to help me as I struggled in my hard times, at least partial answers that might have provided values of right and wrong and why we were given life at all. I struggled, and as I came through my struggles I decided that even though I was an honest agnostic, I wanted to give my kids that background, so they had a starting point should they hit their own challenges.
Once I knew what I was looking for, I found the woman I was looking for. It’s been twenty years we’ve been together, and I still remember the moment I laid eyes on her the first time. She accepted me as I was, for who I was, and we spent months talking as friends and really getting to know each other before we had our first date. We both knew when we started dating that we would eventually marry.
Marriage is on the decline nowadays. And for good reasons. I would never wish anyone into marriages like my parents had.
But I would encourage everyone to consider marriage. Consider why you’re on earth, what’s important, and what happiness is. And be realistic about where your priorities are and why you want someone to share your life with in this all-too-brief time we’ve been gifted.
I have come to believe passionately that the quality of one’s life is ultimately judged by the quality of the relationships during your life. Did you love, were you loved, did you nurture, help, and leave the world a better place than you found it? Did you leave happiness and compassion? If you did these things, then ultimately, your life was happy, and I defy anyone to say it wasn’t. My parents, in contrast, all died bitter, angry and alone.
Everyone has to find their own definition of happiness, of course. And of course life is more than just raising kids and having a good marriage: there is meaning and value in careers, education, art, conservation and endless other things. But I personally struggle to say that Titans of Industry who changed the world have lived a fully meaningful and happy life if they left behind divorced spouses and alienated children. Aristotle said that happiness is meaningful work. I can’t think of any more meaningful work than raising kids, loving them, and being loved by them. And the best way to prepare your children for the future and raising happy kids is to have two parents, united by a commitment to raise those kids well. That commitment is marriage.
If marriage isn’t for you, that’s fine. I’m not judging, and there are many understandable and valid reasons to not marry, or to divorce. But it feels like increasingly people look down upon those of who commit to marriage. My purpose here is to tell people why I think marriage is still relevant, important, and the right choice for some.
I’ve always looked forward to growing old with my wife. Living our days, raising our family, overcoming challenges, encouraging each other to grow while still being our own persons, celebrating our victories, commiserating in our setbacks, and always finding love for each other as a couple committed to each other and our family.
I am never alone. I always know that she is there for me, as I am there for her.
Some days are hard, of course. We fight. Feelings get hurt. At times I’ve been a jerk, done things that were shitty or selfish. But we’ve always worked things out, and I’ve learned to grow as a person. Her happiness is so important to me, more important than doing what I want, when I want. And that’s true in reverse as well. I sacrifice and give up my freedom for a larger purpose, as she sacrifices and gives up her own freedom for me, us and our kids, and our shared purpose and commitment to each other.
I’ve never regretted being married once.
My parents divorced when I was five, shortly after my mom threatened to shoot my dad in the head while he slept. She had playfully hidden his Browning somewhere in the house, and the cop used my bawling preschooler self to convince her to reveal where she hid the gun. My dad declined to press charges, but soon the brilliant idea of divorcing was enthusiastically embraced by all adults involved.
Both remarried, and both divorced again. I once asked my dad why he married my mom in the first place, and he explained that when they grew up, it was just expected. So they did, in 1961.
Today, they wouldn’t have married. Hell, with birth control, I wouldn’t have been born.
My mom continued to beat her depression into nightly senselessness with Gilbey’s Gin, although after my dad left she’d wait to start drinking until after she returned from her crappy secretarial job. This was an improvement over the previous model, where she’d start drinking in the morning and usually be passed out by the time my dad returned home from a long day of cheating on her with his secretary.
My mom died of slow suicide from alcoholism at 61. My dad, an angry misogynistic atheist, would trail my mom to a slow and depressing death about ten years later, fifteen years after I had married myself.
You’d think I’d be down on marriage. But I’m not.
My parents were great examples: great examples of what not to do. From them I learned that you have to deal with your issues. You have to communicate, and talk, and admit the truth. You have to put aside your own emotions, and commit to something bigger than yourself. You have to know why you’re together, commit to each other, and be a team. And you have to make your kids a priority.
Growing up, I lived in a very small world. No community. No religious identity. No extended family. No brothers or sisters. My parents put their needs and wants ahead of mine, and mostly I was expected to stay out of the way. When my stepfather came into the equation, a terrifying but ultimately decent man who was scarred by a childhood of physical abuse and two combat tours in Vietnam, my own life went from negligence to life-threatening fear of his alcoholic rages. Beatings and then the simple threat of beatings turned me into an A student. When I left for college he told me that he’d pay my tuition, but it was his house now, and I wasn’t welcome back. That was hard. What little connection I had to anything were cut. My mom also went back to drinking hard, and the liver failures that would ultimately kill her started soon after.
I went to a good college, but had trouble opening up to people and forming relationships, romantic or otherwise. I feared the pain of rejection, particularly after my affluent college friends told me they knew I was making up stories about my family to get sympathy. For years I shut down talking about my family and the pain. I was alone, and experienced building isolation after college. I drifted, unconnected to anyone or anything, unable to find purpose and meaning in life, and I fell deeper and deeper into untreated depression.
Somehow I survived my hard times, and came to a few hard-won conclusions about life and why we’re here, and most especially the importance of honest relationships and answers to the question of, “Why marry?”
Next Post: Marriage Benefits
We need to get away more often!
Maybe you’re a parent, or someone with nosy parents or visitors. Some people don’t mind being “outed” or having other people know what you’re up to in the bedroom. But most of us want to keep it to ourselves. People do judge you. And people talk. And opinions vary, but I personally don’t want our kids to have to think about what their parents do in the bedroom, especially when it gets into bondage stuff. Having had very indiscreet parents, I know from personal experience it’s a burden, especially if other kids see –and steal—the Polaroids. <shudder>
There are two ways to keep things secure. Either hide it, or lock it up. I prefer both. Much crime takes place if someone has the opportunity and notices a good target. The same goes for snooping: as a kid, I was always on the lookout for something I shouldn’t know about.
Ultimately, you want your stuff both secure and accessible. If it takes you five minutes to haul things out, that can derail the mood!
Here are the best ways I’ve found to hide your sex toys:
I have used all of these different approaches, but now mostly go with the under-the-bed keypad safe for quick-access stuff, the locked suitcase for stuff we use much less frequently. The secret compartment wound up being a little too inconvenient for quick use with the keyed locks, so I just keep a few things we use very rarely in there. Ask me nicely in an email, and I’ll tell you what that stuff might be. 🙂
How about you? What great ideas do you have for hiding your stuff and keeping it secure from prying eyes? I’d love to know!
How do you get your nice-guy husband to tie you and spank you?*
More than that, how do you get him to do it well?
It’s a very common question… and issue. Many people aren’t comfortable with sexually dominating another, particularly in gender-equal marriages and when there are issues with values or discomfort with any kind of off-the-beaten-path sexual stuff at all.
Also, let’s talk about power dynamics. Over recent decades most women have moved out of subordinate roles, with their own careers and needing to perform in this competitive world. This can be exhausting, and increasingly many women the idea of taking a subordinate role in the bedroom and “letting someone else be in charge of your shit,” as Rhianna said. Submission can be very desirable and exciting, particularly when it’s not something that the same woman would want any other time, but still finds that dominant vibe exciting in bed.
But men have been taught being that dominant jerk isn’t cool anymore. And men are depressingly consistent; we act the same way everywhere, including in the bedroom. Perhaps we do it for the right reasons, but it you’re a gal that wants her hair pulled and ass slapped by your man, who wants him to take the lead and take what he wants at such times, getting him to mentally switch gears can be really, really hard.
You might talk about it, watch movies, read books from the Sexuality Section of the book store and tell him what you want… but these things don’t do a good job really telling him what you want him to do. So the question remains, how do I get my husband to dominate me?
For some couples, talking and exploring together works great, particularly if both people are good communicators and have a natural affinity for the desired roles, and also don’t have some of the common sexual hang-ups like shame and fear of revealing one’s true sexual desires.
For those who don’t communicate quite so well –which is most of us–,one of the more successful approaches is for the submissive to take on the role she wants to play as if he were really dominating her, and show him what shes want, as if she had just received an order, keeping up a verbal monologue of what she’s imagining he had just ordered her to do, and doing things like lay over his lap and saying things like “Now you’re going to spank me, sir? Please, no, I’ve been a very good girl! You’re going to spank me ten times with your hand? Ooooo….” He’ll get the idea, and as his comfort levels rise, he can start initiating things the way you want… and he wants. Especially if he knows you’re really into it.
We guys worry that we’ll cross the line, and we really don’t want to do that, especially since some of this stuff plays along–and crosses—the line of how we firmly believe women should be treated the rest of the time. For example, I know one woman in particular who like being called “slut” in the bedroom in scenes like this. And I’ll do it, and it makes her hot. But call her that at the wrong time, and it can really hurt feelings. Heck, at times I’ve said that at the wrong time, when she wasn’t fully into the scene… and it hurt. Geez.
For some of us, the biggest challenge has been moving beyond the play scenes, and getting into something more real, even if just in the bedroom. Taking on that dominant role where the gal doesn’t feel that he’s doing it because that’s what she wants, but because he wants to. It’s a really hard thing to explain, so I wrote an erotic book about a couple struggling with this issue and how they finally figured things out after years of butting heads called The Night He ‘Got’ It. You can check it out in my Amazon bookstore. I’d of course appreciate your buying my books, and if possible leaving positive reviews!
*July 2016 Note: The book is relaunched!
*Note: I’ve written with the point of a view of heterosexual couple with the female partner wanting to explore the submissive role. These roles can certainly be reversed, and everything applies to other types of couples as well. I am writing from this point of view because my audience tends to be heterosexual women in monogamous relationships.
Romance novels are fantasies of a regular girl getting the man of her –and most women’s—dreams. They aren’t realistic, but fun escape reading that scratches an itch for emotional intimacy and the thrill of the chase, concluding with a happy ending. Who doesn’t like that?
But they also aren’t much of a roadmap for how to find your life partner. Not that the male equivalent of Budweiser commercials and porn is better in any way.
As men and women we are struggling in our relationships. Divorce –if we even marry at all— afflicts 50%+ of marriages, and of those who don’t divorce, how many can say they are really happy? In some cases, it’s those who have no expectations of happiness who stay married
So, if you’re the average gal on the street, and you have unrealistic expectations of happiness in your marriage or other relationship, what do you do? Is consoling yourself with romance novels and the new episode of The Bachelor enough?
It can be. But you deserve more. I don’t even know you, of course… but everyone deserves more, men and women alike.
We all need to realize that the mass media depiction of romance and relationships is not realistic. For anyone.
But, instead of settling for less, why not shoot for more?
Instead of thinking of yourself as a romance novel character, waiting for sudden true love, embrace the fact that you are imperfect and so is your likely partner.
And also embrace that you are probably already in some sort of existing, imperfect relationship. Maybe you’ve been married or paired for years or decades, and you even have kids. Maybe you keep feeling, “There has to be more than this… I want more.” And you’ve given up on that more.
If that’s the case, cast yourself as the heroine (or hero) of your own story… where two people together for a long time reignite the passion of their relationship… and passion is completely intertwined with passionate sex.
If that’s not a romance, I don’t know what is.
Want to get started? Here are a few kickoff points to get going!
Get to it… make your life better than a romance novel!
They should turn this into a musical!
Me and my gal, we stay pretty closeted, except with our online friends, where we usually keep a veil of anonymity. By closeted, I mean we don’t tell anyone publicly what we do in the bedroom.
Until the Gay Liberation Movement, most homosexual folks were closeted, which meant they were not “out” publicly about their sexual orientation.
As BDSM becomes more common and accepted, I think most of those who practice it are likewise “keeping kink closeted.”
For most of us who are dabbling, or who are Just in the Bedroom, it’s a fun and occasional part of our sex lives, not our identity. This is different from the minority of people who are more “Lifestyle,” but who make up the majority of FetLife. These are folks who incorporate bdsm into their lives and relationships every day.
Us regular folks don’t want people to know what we do in the bedroom, bdsm or otherwise. We have families, careers, and reputations. To come out and share with others what we do creates a huge risk.
My wife and I have never been to a munch or other event. The risk of running into somebody we know is too great. Even if they are in the same boat as us. We can’t be confident that they’ll keep their mouth shut. And what if some other acquaintance is serving tables, or happens to be in the same restaurant at the same time? For us, it’s not something we want to countenance. But maybe after the kids are grown and if we didn’t have careers…
Other folks feel differently I know.
So, for you, what is the threshold for coming out that you need to overcome, or overcame?
Prizes are awarded to “draw attention to the crude, tasteless, often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in the modern novel, and to discourage it.”
The prizes exclude purely erotic works, and do specifically look for poor writing. After reading a few of the snippets of past writing, I’d agree the past winners’ writing is painful.
But the intent behind this award is also to discourage sexual description they consider crude or tasteless. Which seems subjective.
Sex –explicitly described or not—is something that people do. But I don’t think enough of us do it enough… or well enough.
I believe that explicit sex in popular writing gives the reader a payoff that can ignite the passion in themselves and their partner. It raises awareness and acceptance of sex as a part of life, including new and exciting sexual interests, and helps push us past this legacy Puritan, prudish sexual repression we continue to have in the United States.
Plus, a well-written sex scene provides a payoff for the reader, and can ignite the passion with their partner. And a little steaminess does sell books… because that’s what people want.
Writing about sex provides the opportunity to tell the reader what each character was thinking, and to explain how events, circumstances and upbringing led to the characters connecting, for better or for worse. Understanding the characters’ issues and challenges and how they resolve those problems is interesting and important, especially if it leads to the characters connecting in the most intimate way possible. And that means sex.
I passionately believe that a good sex life is a requirement for a healthy, vibrant marriage.
A lot of people –especially those who have been together a long time—aren’t having good sex. Books that inspire, explain and motivate both partners to more passionate sex life and thus greater intimacy have their place.
And that’s pretty much what I try to accomplish with the books I write.
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We need a bondage scene cookbook!
This post is for couples who are not bondage lifestylers, but just regular folks who like to explore the wild side a bit, at least as a fantasy. People pursue fantasies for any number of reasons; for most of us the fantasy is sufficient. I’ve found many similar folks online, and we’ve taken to calling people like us “Just in the Bedroom.”
For Just in the Bedroom folks, bondage is a fun escape to spice things up, that’s done less than regularly. But like anything, doing a good bondage scene is a skill. You get better with experience.
To help folks who are exploring this stuff, some time ago I wrote a little cookbook with one recipe for how a scene might work, and which works well for my wife when we can carve enough time to cook the full “meal.”
I hope you find this useful, and if you do, post a comment of what works, what doesn’t, and what you do in your own life!
Increasingly, regular folks are finding that they enjoy playing with bondage, discipline, dominance and submission. Such play doesn’t just spice up sex lives, but brings couples closer together and has the cathartic effect of releasing stresses of our more gender-equal relationships.
My wife and I certainly get these benefits out of our roleplay and doing a bondage scene, although we don’t get much time for big all-day scenes like we did before we started a family. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t think about it… a lot. Especially her: it was her interest in this stuff that actually got us started. Her adventurous mind is one of the many reasons that I love her.
When we get the chance in the bedroom, my wife really enjoys being dominated. And I really enjoy her submission. There’s something about her crawling on the floor, completely naked and following all of my orders that’s a huge turn-on. I’m not a dominant personality, nor do I want to be one (I’m not a doormat, I just neither want to give nor take orders from anyone), and our relationship is one of millennial equality… but in the bedroom I’m completely in charge. This more than makes up for any dominance I don’t exert in our day-to-day relationship. And that’s where a good bondage scene comes in!
Most of the time, we don’t have time for a big bondage scene. Heck, most of the time our sex is vanilla, other times we might add some little kinky things. And that’s fine, it’s the best we can do. But we look forward to doing a bondage scene when we can get to it. We call it, “Big Sex.” And to be honest, at this point in our lives if we do one or two a year, we’re lucky.
But a few years ago when we finally had all the kids in school at the same time, I took a half-day off from work, so that we could get a chance to enact a long-put-off scene. Damn, I still get hard remembering the vision of walking into the bedroom after dropping the kids off at school, and she’s naked, on her knees, eyes down, hands in her lap, waiting for me as I had ordered. Hot!
Given that our roleplay now needed some scheduling and planning, I started thinking about what I’d do to her in coming sessions, and I realized that when I create the kind of bondage scene I like, I tend to create a session of 4 acts:
Then, there’s the very important epilogue as well… untying, snuggling, loving each other, the return to normality, cleaning stuff up and putting stuff away. The scenes we have are tame compared to some… we don’t do a lot of extreme stuff, pain is very light, and my girl has never entered subspace. But I should mention that for a lot of people, “aftercare” after a heavy bondage scene is absolutely critical, especially if there have been lots of endorphins, emotions, pain and physical limits met and crossed. It varies a lot by person and the scene, and while sometimes no aftercare might be needed, other people need a warm blanket, cuddling, water, soft caresses and kind, loving words until the person feels recovered. So, if you’re taking your partner through a scene, be aware and responsible for the person you love.
Anyway, as for the bondage scene itself, there are a million options and scenarios for every act… add handcuffs, toys, oral, ropes, floggers, paddles, clamps, clothespins… the possibilities are endless, and I’ve actually been thinking about all the options, to sort of balance out the bondage scene in any given session. And I’m always working on discovering what new things she might like to try, or she’s letting me know obliquely what she might be interested in. Some might call this topping from the bottom, but it’s not, as we don’t really have a dominant/submissive relationship. It’s two people exploring our sexuality and relationship together, and more than anything it’s the pleasure and excitement that she experiences with her submission that pushes my own excitement and sexual satisfaction to such amazing heights.
Feel free to post your thoughts and comments below on my book, Why Men Don’t Listen.
I will be happy to respond directly to any questions, too!
How do people get into kink? Here’s our story.
When we were dating fairly early on, we went into a nice, woman-owned adult store near where we lived in suburban DC.
We were poking around, and my gal had gotten a little ahead of me. She’d never minded going in the Adult section of the video store, either. I love my gal.
Anyway, I caught up to her where she had paused, and I take a look at the “Bondage 101” kit, containing velcro wrist and ankle cuffs –with matching o-rings and clips on each, a couple lengths of nylon strapping with more hooks, a blindfold, and a leather paddle. As if waiting for me to notice it, she says, “We can get that if you want.” In retrospect, I think I was set up. 😉 But into the cart it went!
So, we got home, and this was all blank slate to me. I kinda had the general idea I guess… we got the cuffs on her ankles and wrists, blindfolded her, tied her spread-eagled to the bed. It was okay, I used the vibrator on her. It’s so long ago I don’t know if I kept up quite the verbal narration of what I was thinking, seeing, doing and feeling as I do now. So we did that for a bit, and it was hard to have sex.
But, we tried again a night or week later, I can’t remember. I’ve got her blindfolded, wrists cuffed to the headboard, I’m looking at her ankles and am about to tie them to the footboard… and something much better occurs to me. “Fuck that.” So, I grab each of her ankles, and tie first one to the headboard behind her, then the other, so her legs are wide open and spread apart, pussy gaping.
Seriously: It was like her brain exploded when I did that to her.
With her tied up like that, spread and helpless for whatever I wanted to do to her, totally exposed to my view… well, her excitement was palpable, and she was almost at the point of orgasming before I even got her second ankle fastened to the headboard.
I brought out the vibrator and touched it to her pussy, and she had this huge orgasm almost instantly. Like, the biggest I’d ever seen her have, and we’d had some good sex by that point.
I’ve thought about it, and I think that it really tapped into her deepest fantasies, to be displayed, fucked, used… helpless for whatever I wanted to do to her.
After she came I climbed right on top and entered her, and I wasn’t able to hold off myself off for long… she was cumming again so hard as I used her like that I couldn’t help but mirror her excitement and frantic arousal . Man! All these years later, it still makes me hot thinking about it.
So, that was the official start of our bondage play.
We tried switching, with her tying me up and doing the same stuff, and it was just kind of meh… she didn’t enjoy it, and I couldn’t see anything or do anything. I’m really a top, she’s a bottom… which means I like doing stuff to her, and she likes stuff being done to her.
Then she said had read some blistering books about bondage that I might enjoy, and that I could read aloud to her.
So we did. They were Ann Rice’s Sleeping Beauty series.
In all honesty, the books aren’t great: the characters are under-developed, the stories pretty basic, and there’s not really much a plot. But Rice really does tap into very deep pools of female submissive fantasies. And the content is very graphic, and describes lots of fetish acts. Lots and lots of spanking, but also lots of dominance and submission and lots and lots of different kinds of sex acts… some of them very, very extreme. I can’t even start to remember everything.
But, reading those books aloud to her in bed definitely showed me what we wanted. And I don’t think we ever made it more than two or three chapters before she was over my lap and the book had been tossed aside, forgotten.
Overtime, we did more roleplay, with me playing the dom: giving her orders to strip, touch herself, position herself, do whatever I told her. “Don’t look up unless ordered,” “don’t cum unless ordered,” “count each stroke.”
We did a lot of spanking play. She loved that.
She still talks about the time I called her to the bedroom, where I had placed a straight-back chair in the middle of the big empty space, and how she felt seeing it there, and me standing next to it, and telling her she had been a bad girl and I was going to give her a spanking. I then ordered her to strip, slowly, folding each item of clothing neatly and placing it in front of me on the floor, until she stood completely naked, me still clothed.
Next, I sat down on the chair, and told her to lay herself across my lap. I slowly started to spank her, making her count each stroke, and as I spanked and I played with her pussy between strokes.
<smile> She loved –and still loves– that stuff.
We don’t get the chance for that too much lately, but it’s completely cathartic for both of us, and immediately following every scene like that there is some really, really good sex.
We have an Ikea footstool that I picked up at one point. It’s a bit under two feet high, two feet long, and is padded with a round top. We’ve put that footstool to a lot of good use over the years… You can see a picture of it on my FetLife profile. If you look at it, you can imagine her on it in either direction.
We just redid our bedroom, and a lot of stuff went to make room for her decorating vision. But not once did she suggest that footstool be tossed. Actually, she wound up giving the bedroom a lilac color palate (I wasn’t thrilled, but it’s not as girly as I was afraid it would be)… and I haven’t pressed her on it, but I think because the footstool is being kept and is purple. I admit I could be wrong. But I also know that if I pressed her, she’d deny it. She likes to be coy sometimes.
And sometimes, I know she likes the thrill of just having it out in plain view, only her and me knowing the things we’ve done to he on it.
Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: How Normal People Get into Kink: More Stories
If you join the Fetlife online community, the first thing you’re asked to do is to create a profile. In your profile you describe yourself, your interests, and what you’re looking for on the site, from a romantic partner to friends to people who share your particular sexual interests. You’re also asked to describe your intensity of interest, and one of the choices you can select is “Just in the Bedroom.”
Just In the Bedroom fits me and my wife perfectly, so much so that I formed a group around it on the site.
It’s a fairly small group… some groups, like Novices and Newbies (recommended) have tens of thousands of members. Just in the Bedroom has a couple hundred gathered over the past year or so.
I think that part of the reason for this is that there’s a level of passion and commitment, and folks who get into fetish and kink are serious about it.
To be perfectly honest, folks who just roleplay a bit in the bedroom are a bit looked down upon by the most committed. Some feel that you can’t experience true submission unless you really dive into it, and enter a true power exchange relationship.
I understand these folks’ point, but I disagree. Like anything, I think it’s a matter of degree. For my gal and me, an occasional play session with me taking a dominant role satiates our desires and gives us what we need. Neither of us wants or needs a 24-7 master/slave relationship. And to be quite honest, I’ve never been attracted to potential partners who need or want me to take a 100% leadership role. I’ve always wanted a relationship of equals and partners.
It’s funny, though; in this crazy world nowadays, people are clearly mismatched, because a common topic on the site is people with submissive longings who wish their partner to take more of a dominant, leadership role. And some of these partners can’t or won’t. Or won’t take things far enough. It clearly causes anguish for all involved.
It’s also interesting that some majority of these folks tend to be submissive women, wanting their male partners to take more leadership and control. It is clearly a choice they’re making, and consensual. And because of that, I don’t believe that it’s anti-feminist. But sometimes it feels that way to me.
What’s also interesting to me is that I often pick up a vibe from the dominant males –or those who present themselves of such– that feels misogynist, selfish, narcissistic, and even psychopathic: more interested in manipulation and self-interest than true relationships, and are even unable and uninterested in forming real relationships. It disturbs me that women fall for this, and put themselves in these men’s hands.
Yet, this appears to be what some of these women want.
It seems that we are programmed to want things that aren’t always good for us. And there’s scientific evidence to support this. Women do tend to like assholes. Not sure? There’s lots of good stuff about this out there, but here’s a particularly readable post from Psychology Today.
So, what’s all this getting to?
Most women don’t want to be submissive or subservient. Nor do most men. Nor does either gender want to necessarily be dominant over their partner. But this causes some friction for those who do. And there is part of all of us that finds freedom scary and uncomfortable, and also not being in control. These are appetites, and some of us have stronger appetites than others.
So, if you want to satiate your appetites once in a while, you should. And if that’s enough, then you’re a Just-in-the-Bedroom kinda person like my wife and me.
Alternately, you may just want some kinky sex once in the while… and you don’t want any of that Dominance / submission, Sadism / Masochism, Bondage / Discipline stuff. And that’s fine, too. Maybe you’re fine with something else. (See my earlier post on Kinks.)
But ultimately, for all of us, we’re looking for love and connection, to have relationships that are fulfilling, that bring us closer and increase intimacy… and also scratch those itches that we have but sometimes can’t even explain to ourselves.
All this spicy sex stuff is fun. It’s fulfilling. It brings us closer together. It helps us resolve issues in our relationships of increasing equality.
But, it’s not all there is. There are people who aren’t kinky who sleep around and are good at bedding conquests, and ultimately those folks tend to be lonely and alone. We know that seeking kink without connection will have the same result. We who are Just in the Bedroom are looking to bring together traditional love and connection with the exhilaration of sexual exploration to make our relationships stronger and more vibrant, not just out of self-interest, but for love of our partner and what we have together.
It’s all good.
We are all different, and there’s not one “right” way to do spicy sex. It’s what works for you and your partner, and what you do in your bedroom is your business, no one else’s.
As a friend said about Just in the Bedroom folks, “We’re as kinky as we want to be.” And no more.
Kink and spicy sex isn’t mainstream because people pass value judgments on how you live your life.
In the past, there was a culture to uphold. Right or wrong, in Western culture heterosexual monogamy became the standard, and people quoted scripture to support that.
It became the standard because it worked. It codified expectations. Other cultures and traditions have had other ways. But with this sexually repressed system, Western culture did become ascendant.
But Western culture also gave the world the Enlightenment with a belief in rationality and equal rights, and we find ourselves in the culmination of this chain of events. And there have been culture wars for decades between the more liberal and conservative elements of society. It’s divided along red and blue political systems, but even beyond that.
Additionally, there is an increasing body of scientific evidence about how the brain has evolved and works that suggests that there are biological reasons for our cultural norms.
For example, there is evidence that if women are going to cheat, they tend to do it when they are most fertile and their estrogen is highest. If successful in doing so secretly, there is a chance that spouses could wind up raising children that aren’t their own, which is biologically counter-productive.
Additionally, women were traditionally dependent upon their heterosexual partner to provide for them while they raise their children, so keeping marriages intact and not having sex until married was important lest the woman not be able to raise her children, with cost to her family and society.
Yet, at the same time, men desire to spread their seed widely and often, seeking multiple partners. So among a male-dominated society, boys-will-be-boys attitudes proliferate.
We continue to experience vestiges of these social structures even today, particularly in conservative communities where people were raised with values and morals that supported this system.
But things are changing, with marriage no longer being required to allow women to support their children, or to remain in abusive or unfulfilling relationships.
Polygamorous marriages and non-marriages are becoming more common. And as men and women become more equal, new power structures are being explored. Which you, reading this, are doing yourself.
But not everything is great. When there are no rules, or old rules are swept away, we all experience stress while we figure out new equilibriums.
A husband who discusses every decision with his wife as an equal, and even usually defers to her desires can find himself in a situation where she doesn’t respect him and his masculinity. While she wants to be an equal, deep down inside there’s a primitive urge for a strong man who exhibits his caveman-like behaviors.
It gets a bit pop-science-y, but women definitely express preferences for hyper-masculine when they are most fertile: alpha male jerks who exhibit dominant behaviors… and these are the men with whom they have one-night stands. Esther Perel put it best: “What we protest against during the day is what we desire during the night.”
It puts nice guys –men who are trying to live up to the expectations of gender equality– in a tough situation.
But for those who can swing it, some roleplay and spicy sex in the bedroom satisfies appetites that aren’t getting filled otherwise.
My dad left when I was five. Plenty of blame to go around, but the net result was that it left me to tag along with my mom as she immersed herself fully in the early-70’s Equal Rights movement. I was raised a feminist, and I have no regrets about that.
But, it took me a fairly long time to get into the mind of being able to dominate my wife in the bedroom. I raised to defer to women, to seek equality in all things, to not treat women like objects or a naughty girl that needed to be punished.
My wife would publicly deny she wants me to treat her like that in the bedroom, out of propriety and her reputation. But the fact is… she does. But only occasionally, and only in the bedroom. Oh, okay, or in a hotel room. 🙂
I wrote in another post how I finally got more comfortable with things, and my “Aha!” moment. And things have been great since then. Spicy sex has made our marriage and relationship stronger and better.
But the issue goes both ways. If you are a woman whose partner wants you to submit to him in the bedroom, you might slam into your own feminist beliefs. You might not have any submissive desires, or you might not feel able to admit them to yourself given how hard women have worked to get where they are today, and how they still have far to go both in Western society and globally.
Or, you might as a woman find yourself in a situation where you have a strong man who you fantasize about dominating… or who wishes to be dominated. That can be a particularly tricky one to figure out, especially for if your male partner is vanilla, not interested in kink, and either committed to or insecure about his masculinity. Being submissive in any capacity, spicy sex or not, could be psychologically difficult to accept.
But again, think of the stereotype of who sees dominatrixes: powerful, professional men who have the desire and means to give up power for a short time. If you want to try this, or if your man wants to try this kind of spicy sex, you should. See how you both like it, and remember how it’s only temporary and a game played in the bedroom.
And if you do try being dominant during some spicy sex in the bedroom, the same tip as always applies: start slow. And approach it the right way: I doubt there’s any guy who wouldn’t be willing to let you try out the furry handcuffs while you gave him a blowjob. See how that goes, and take it from there.
But if partner struggling with this, give them time to absorb and process after each experience.
There is a controversial topic in feminist blogs about a common female fantasy of being overpowered during sex. It causes a lot of anguish, for obvious reasons. But studies show that four out of ten women have these fantasies… regularly. Why? There are theories. You can read a great high-level article from Psychology Today here for an overview. And the comments are even better.
But, if you are a woman struggling with the contradiction of submissive fantasies with your desire to maintain the hard-won advances that women have made in the past century, you aren’t alone. And some men are also sensitive to this.
My opinion –which some won’t agree with, including some feminist bloggers– is that fantasy is fantasy, and what excites you in the bedroom is your business. If you want your partner to roleplay your fantasies, and he’s willing, there is no stigma with that.
But I will also say that it took me some time to get my own mind to where I could be the person to make our roleplay sessions what my wife really wanted. And for me, it took me understanding how much my wife got off on it, how much she wanted me to get off on it, and then the secret sauce that this was acting for both of us (or perhaps a bit more). Our allowing ourselves to fulfill our own and each others’ desires was incredibly fulfilling and sexy.
Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Just in the Bedroom
I enjoy participating a social media site called FetLife. It bills itself as the BDSM and fetish community for kinksters by kinksters. And I think it does a pretty good job at that and it’s probably at the center of the spicy internet. Besides creating a profile for yourself, you can find and join groups of people who share your interests, and pitch right in on conversations and topics.
You won’t be surprised to find out I created and host a group there called, “Just in the Bedroom.” If you visit the site, drop by the group and say, “hi!”
But frankly, FetLife scares the hell out of the vanillas. (Vanillas being those who are new to spicy sex.)
When you first log in, after you create a stub profile, you are likely to see graphic and even extreme pictures from the first moment, mostly from advertiser banner ads along the right-side of the page, but also from the “Kinky and Popular” tab of the site. One ad that sticks in my mind is for an adult movie site, kink.com, that has a woman tied spread eagle to some sort of device, while a sex device plunges in and out of her. This is not 101-level stuff, and for someone whose speed is romance novels, well, it’s too much. People run the other direction.
Then, if you do stick around and join a group that sounds interesting, it is an unfortunate fact that some “lifestylers” enjoy shocking and scaring off the newbies. That the person had the courage to join at all was a big step and should be admired; instead, some folks can be be mean and insulting to people for asking basic questions. It’s a bit disappointing.
But, plenty of hardy souls do make it through, find interesting groups, and get immersed in the value of the site, from pictures and videos, discussion groups, and even find get-togethers and more in their local area. And that’s great.
But some of us are not able or willing to play publicly. We aren’t going to go to a public dungeon and let it all hang out, for various reasons. And we maybe aren’t going to try some of the things we see other people blissfully trying and posting pics of online. Or maybe we want to, but our spouse isn’t willing.
And then comes the FetLife Envy.
FetLife Envy is when you want something you can’t have. And your primal sexual cave-man or -woman is crying out in frustration that you can’t have it.
I hit this myself when I started reading a series of post –that I found credible– by a guy who posted sort of a part-instructional, part-biographical series of writings on how he finds strong, mature female submissives, and trains them to become his sex slaves, to the point that he can make them orgasm with his voice alone. And he posts pictures, too. And I know enough to know that some people really do reach those kind of levels of… whatever you call it.
For my wife and me, our sex life has been slow for a long time given our other responsibilities and priorities, and time for spicy sex has been scarce. But to read about what he does and how he does it, and the levels of fulfillment and sexual satisfaction that he and his (many!) partners get is… frustrating.
I laugh while I say it, but things like this can cause issues, when the immature part of your brain starts screaming, “I want it! I want it!” And the answer is you can’t have it.
Another online friend of mine gets frustrated when she sees things others of her friends from the site are doing, and her husband can’t do to her… or, more the case, not as often or as much as she likes. She knows she gets more than most… but still wants more. Ah, the perils of the Spicy Internet…
So, just be aware of it, and keep a throttle on it. The Internet is good… and bad… and good… and bad.
Try to focus on the good, and be realistic.
There are a vast number of adult websites out there on the spicy internet. But here are a few ones I recommend that can help you build intimacy with your partner. These sites can also help you connect with other people like you as well as educate and entertain.
While this blog is written mainly for people in their middle years in long-term relationships, I still feel the need to say something to people who are single and looking for a partner about the BDSM community and potential partners out there:
You need to be very careful.
There are bad people out there. When you are dealing with fantasy stuff like bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism, you are dealing with somewhat extreme things. And there are people for whom this stuff isn’t extreme: it’s what they want and desire all the time.
I offer no apologies to the fetish community. It’s a fact, and one of the things that makes me uncomfortable about some of what I see is that there are clearly sociopathic, abusive and dangerous people out there. The community does talk, and munches (non-sexual happy hours, usually) do give people the chance to meet, and talk, and check up on each other. But there is still danger out there.
Also, there is rampant and reactive misogyny out there. Misogyny is hatred of women. As women exert more power in the workforce, the legal system and society, some men feel threatened. And they are looking to exploit women and don’t really care about others, just their own sexual satisfaction. Some of these guys are known as players, and there’s a whole subculture of guys out there who look to exploit women sexually, without looking for healthy relationships. Some of these guys would say they are just beating women at their own game, but I find the trend concerning. I guess it’s a natural reaction, but women need to educate themselves and be careful.
And what if you’re a woman in a long-term relationship and your significant other exhibits misogynistic behaviors? Well, you’re probably already having marriage issues beyond not feeling close, and looking at spicing up your sex life is not likely to help. Although it occurs to me that such women may not be dissatisfied with their relationships if they crave to be submissive. Of course, they probably aren’t reading this post anyway. So we’ll move along now.
Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Why Kink and Spicy Sex Still isn’t Accepted
You probably got married before you really got interested in the steamy stuff. For most young couples, frequent sex is good enough. But over time, things cooled.
Maybe not just the intensity, but the frequency of the sex. Or maybe you just never had much of a sex life to begin with.
You started wanting to spice things up. And maybe you introduced the idea to your partner.
And each time, your partner wasn’t interested. The reasons could be anything… some of which were discussed in the previous post.
But in this post, let’s say that your partner just is not interested in kinky sex, and it’s been settled.
It’s a tough situation. What do you do?
First: are you still having sex at all?
If not, then you have bigger issues. If you’ve tried to talk to your spouse about it, and they won’t, then you really need to consider marriage counseling… because things often don’t just get better on their own. And a healthy marriage absolutely needs a healthy sex life as part of it. If you don’t have that, then one or both partners will be getting frustrated, resentful and angry, and may go looking for sex somewhere else.
Or possibly, the partner that doesn’t want sex may be getting it somewhere else. Possibly even with a member of the same sex.
Whatever the case, these issues need to be surfaced, and worked out. Relationships can’t survive dishonesty and lack of no connection. Or perhaps they can, but I personally don’t wish that kind of relationship on anyone.
Assuming you’ve worked things through and understand that your partner just doesn’t want kinky sex, but loves you and wants to continue having sex with you, what other options do you have?
There are some, such as Pamela Madsen, who feels okay going outside her marriage. That’s not for me, or us, and I find some of her rationalizations for her actions a… great stretch. But she kept her marriage with her husband even while taking on a dominant lover who fills her need for raunchy D/s sex, and her marriage to her husband seems strong.
But personally, I don’t think most of our marriages can survive spitting our attentions and affections beyond our spouse or partner, especially sexually. Others disagree. But in this blog, we’re looking at strengthening monogamous marriage.
How many wives read 50 Shades and suddenly found themselves desiring a more spicy relationship? Many, that’s how many. Much of our sex lives are in our brains. You can continue to read, and try to introduce small items into your vanilla lovemaking. “Hold my wrists.” “Tell me ‘I’m yours to do with as you please.'” “Let’s try this position.” Small things that your partner shouldn’t object to. Then, be diligent about verbally and physically expressing your pleasure and appreciation. Build that positive feedback loop. It pays off.
I had a lot of trouble getting over treating my wife like anything other than a lady and an equal in the bedroom.
In my case, it was that I was programmed as a child with a very feminist worldview. I don’t regret it… but it did impact our roleplay, and deep down, my wife hungered being taken and roughly used by a dominant man overcome by her sexuality and focused on nothing but satisfying his own urges.
It took me a long time, but finally I figured out the flip-side of the old trope, “submission gives her permission to be a dirty girl.” In my case, her acquiescence and desire for my dominance gave me permission to treat her like a dirty girl. That was huge, and the Rosetta stone for me. Because, frankly, I did want to. I wanted to see to my own needs and desires. But it had been drilled into me that you treat women as equals and not objects at all times.
But, one of the crazy revelations about BDSM –and why it’s getting so popular– is that deep down, at a primal level, we still have urges to treat each other in ways that aren’t politically correct. To quote the Eurthymics “Some of them want to use you / Some of them want to get used by you / Some of them want to abuse you / Some of them want to be abused.”
Some of us crave to dominate, some of us crave to submit… and sometimes, we even want the opposite when we’re with someone else.
There are theories that these are primal things wired into our brains, and while most of us are in the middle and generally just get along, some folks are more dominant and hunger to compete, win, and be in control, while others hunger to submit and serve.
There’s an interesting yin-and-yang. I have read that the person most interested in BDSM in the scene is almost always the powerful alpha male who craves submission, usually to a powerful woman. He seeks relief from his position of authority. And I think the same thing holds true for the many successful, strong women nowadays, who are always “on,” and seek an occasional respite from their heavy mantle of responsibilities by submitting in the bedroom.
And if you’ve tried everything to get your spouse interested, and they just aren’t, you need to ask yourself if this is a need, or a want, and if you can satisfy your needs for connection, intimacy and sexual satisfaction in other ways. If you can’t, then there may be some hard conversations in your future.
Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: The Spicy Internet: The Good, the Bad, the Great, and the Awful…
You want to explore the kinky stuff because:
But what about your partner? How do they feel about it?
I like to think that most people are open-minded and have some sense of adventure, and would like to try new things.
But some people are resistant, for predictable reasons. Maybe these things seem immoral or against their religion or values. Maybe they feel that these are not things that nice people do. Or that if their family or friends found out, they’d be judged harshly.
Maybe, there’s even some of the Madonna-Whore thing that some men have, including some men that I know, where some men can’t bring themselves to have raunchy sex with their bride and mother of their children, because they consider it dirty and they don’t want to soil their woman with their carnal desires
It’s a shame, because they are both denying themselves and their wives a more satisfying relationship. It’s at least partially religion- and family-based. And also, these same men are more prone to take on mistresses on the side, with whom they can have raunchy sex without it impacting their conscience. How that’s better is a pretty impressive piece of rationalization. But in my opinion (and some disagree) fidelity to your spouse is critical to your relationship, and having a secret mistress is not cool. Although, such marriages do tend to last, as divorce is also very frowned upon in such families. But anyway, if I were the wife and mother in such a relationship, I’d insist my husband not stray, and not deny me the sex life I deserve.
How about a spouse that’s just really straight… not interested in trying anything that isn’t missionary. That one can be tough, as again, morality and expectations get all wrapped up in there. I’d suggest in such a case you start slow, and introduce things very slowly, one at a time, getting your spouse used to things before introducing the next. I was chatting online with someone who had a very traditional girlfriend, and sex was dull… until one night, he reached up and put a hand on her throat as he entered her. This triggered something primal in her, and opened up the door to trying new things, with enthusiasm on her part. They never called it what it was, which was rough sex or even dominance and submission, but it worked for them.
If you’re a wife with unadventurous husband, you can introduce lingerie and candles and other tame things, until one night when he’s excited you pull out a little vibrator and ask him to use it on you… or perhaps lay yourself over his lap and say you’ve been naughty and he should spank you a bit before you’ve earned the main course. He may be shocked, but if he loves you and wants to please you, he’ll do it. Your job is to give him lots of positive reinforcement as he makes each tentative step… show him and tell him how excited you are and how pleasurable you find it… and your excitement should be contagious. And he’ll be thinking about it afterwards, and will want to do it again.
If your partner raises objections that he or she doesn’t feel right about it, then you may have to stand up for yourself, and say that you feel fine about it, and you have needs and desires, too… and that you never feel closer than when you share such things.
That’s hard. It happens. But seriously… not often. And you have to ask yourself, what have you got to lose? You have a right to feel fulfilled in your marriage and sex life, and we all need our needs filled. If your spouse can’t fill them, then who can? If you need to, talk to a counselor on this one topic to get over it.
The absolute worst-case scenario is that your spouse judges your requests and desires as immoral and wrong, and treats you as if you are doing something wrong. In most of the Western World, this isn’t so likely. But it could and does happen.
So what do you do?
Honestly, it depends on how much of a partnership your marriage really is.
If it is an old-world marriage, with the man in charge and no negotiation possible, then your options are limited. But, alternately, you may have married a person in a conservative culture who is like you, and is happy and relieved to be able to explore their desires with their life-mate.
And one thing about conservative cultures that works to our advantage is that what people do behind closed doors is their own business; people don’t want to know, but they also believe in independence and freedom of choice, even if they don’t agree with that choice.
The attitude is, “My house, my rules.” So, you need to figure out how to get your partner to adopt the rules you like.
Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: No Spicy Dice: My Partner is Not Interested in Kinky Sex
terest partner kink
The world of kink is vast, limited only by the minds and interests of everyone in the world. So we aren’t going to get into everything. But, we can at least look at some of the more “mainstream” kinks that you might be interested in.
But before we do, one comment about the words “kink” and “fetish”: They suck.
Words are loaded, and those words in particular have negative emotional connotations that imply sexual deviancy and unwholesomeness. So, I’ll try to use the word “spicy” to better describe these things for folks who want to explore kink.
With that, if you want to explore kink, here are ten common ones to consider.
Want to learn more about what you might like? Try a checklist: you can find a post I did on checklists here.
Even better, sit down with your partner, and do a checklist together. You’ll learn a lot, it’ll be fun and exciting, and perhaps most importantly what you and your spouse are not interested in.
Plus, you’ll learn some things that your spouse might not just be willing to try, but is enthusiastic about. I remember when my wife and I did a checklist for the first time. I was stunned –and overjoyed– by some of the things my wife said she would try. “Really?? You’d do THAT?” My god, my gal… I love her.
And that is a great example of the benefits that kink can bring. That my wife is willing to admit and even do some things that would shock the neighbors makes me feel incredibly close to her, and excited, and grateful that she shares such thoughts with me. And I think the same would be true for everyone in the same situation.
Jeremy Nicholson, M.S.W., Ph.D. writes in Psychology Today that:
There is an unfortunate misconception that fantasies, fetishes, and kink necessarily “objectify” and “distance” lovers from one another. Usually, just the opposite is true. Sharing your secret sexual cravings with a special partner can increase trust and intimacy. It is a special, private piece of yourself that you are giving to someone else.
In this world where half of all marriages end in divorce –if people even get married at all– looking into things to satisfy your own desires isn’t bad. What happens in the bedroom is your own business.
If you feel ashamed of your desires, then you owe it to yourself to ask why. Most likely, it’s expectations that you feel society, religion, family or you have for yourself. But are you subordinating your own happiness for subjective morality that you never chose for yourself? If so, then stick up for yourself. If you are feeling unhappy, unconnected and unfulfilled, that is no way to go through life. Try other things, and get a loving partner to explore them with you.
Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Get Your Partner Interested in the Exhilaration of Spicy Sex and Kink
If my wife wanted me to put on a clown costume and honk a horn in bed… well, that ain’t workin’ for me. At all. Although I apologize if that’s your kink.
But, I’d do it for her.
Honestly, what gives me the biggest thrill is her excitement. If something circus-related got her steamy and then acting something out pushed her into the explosion of a monumental orgasm… well, crap. Okay. I’ll do it.
That’s one of the secrets of kink.
We don’t always know why things turn us on, or what turns our partner on… but if it does, and fulfilling a person’s fantasy in the bedroom makes them blissfully happy and no one is getting hurt… then why the hell wouldn’t you?
The payoff is that you make your partner happy, which should make you happy. It brings you closer. There are those inscrutable brain chemicals that get released when we finally satisfy an appetite that we’ve had, especially one that doesn’t get fed often.
Maybe what turns you on is being given permission to forget your normal roles and responsibilities, and giving up control.
Or, maybe the opposite, getting the chance to be the powerful person seeing to one’s own desires and hungers without thinking about everyone else for a change.
Maybe it’s embracing and rejoicing in that which you fear most in a safe, roleplay session.
Maybe it’s the combination of pain and pleasure, which get mixed up together and confused in the brain, providing a greater climax.
It could be taking on the attributes of another gender or role and having the freedom to embrace something that seems forbidden for family, cultural or values reasons, but which you find gives you a sexual charge.
Whatever it is that turns you on… it’s okay, really. As long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else and doesn’t control your life.
In the next post, we talk about specific things you and your partner might like to explore in your sex lives. We’re gettin’ to the really good stuff now!
Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Explore Kink: Ten Spicy Sex Life Improvers for Couples!
Jen is a good girl. Good mom. Good wife. Good daughter. Good employee. She’s dedicated to everyone. Always on. Always thinking of others.
Her husband Mark is kind. Handsome. Attentive. Nice
And their sex life sucks.
They do it twice a week. Usually missionary after the kids go to sleep. Mark is gentle, loving, attentive to her needs. Usually she has a nice little orgasm, and falls asleep in Mark’s arms.
Sometimes, she just wants Mark to tear off her clothes, throw her down, and fuck her hard.
Maybe even pull her hair, spank her ass.
Of course, Mark would never treat the mother of her children that way.
So, she feels empty. And sometimes a few of her girlfriends give hints of wild nights and just-the-grownups trips away, things that they do in the bedroom that she hasn’t done. They don’t seem to ask themselves, “is bondage wrong? And she feels jealous, and a bit disappointed, and even a bit angry.
But good girls don’t want to do those kind of things. Right?
Well, actually, they do.
50 Shades was a phenomenon, with moms and girlfriends reading and talking about having that kind of sex with that kind of focused, hungry, dominant man.
Maybe Jen secretly read the book. But she knows that in her long relationship with Mark, that he is not going to change that much. And Christian Grey in the book was a new man; she is not about to start a new romance.
But Jen is wrong.
She can have a new man, and a new relationship. And that man can be her husband. She just doesn’t get this. While there might be some barriers for Mark to overcome, he’d probably be delighted to delight his wife. And he’ll benefit, too.
First, Jen needs to decide what she wants out of this. Sex is nice, but really, she wants some adventure… and to feel desired. To feel more intimacy with her husband. And to fulfill some dark fantasies she can’t even put words to, around being… lusted for… owned… and taken.
She wants to feel that desire that Mark had for her when they were first together. And, for a time, she wants to forget her roles and responsibilities, and be free to live in that moment. She wants the freedom to revel in herself and her own pleasure, which she really can’t do with her mind buzzing with all of her other roles and responsibilities.
Mark, concurrently, really wants similar things. Besides every guy’s drive for passionate sex, he wants to rekindle the romance with his wife. He wants to feel closer, and wants her to feel closer to him. And, ultimately, because he’s a good guy, he wants to please his wife, and give her what she desires.
Mark may have to overcome conditioning about how to treat a lady… and Jen about how she should expect to be treated. But the key here is that this is just-in-the-bedroom stuff. This is fun, and temporary, and something two people that care and even love each other do, with respect and trust.
How do they do this?
Before a session, Jen and Mark agree who does what, as should you. It can be hard to ask for and discuss. But if one person is playing a king or queen, and the other the servant, it puts some distance between the people who they are in day-to-day life. And allows fantasies to be fulfilled.
It can be hard to ask. Before the session, you should agree to how things begin and end, and on safewords. (Safewords are special words that are used if things get too intense… often folks use “yellow” for “slow down!” and “red” for “Stop!”)
And if it’s hard to know what to do, you can do a checklist or read some erotic stories together. Maybe you identify a few things in advance that you might like to do or try. This way, both of you know what you’re getting into. And if there’s special equipment you have to get (“Honey, where’s your hairbrush?”) you guys can get things together ahead of time. And if both people know the limits and what’s expected, that reduces stress hugely.
If both people think of it as a scene in a play, that helps lower inhibitions. You’re playing roles, not yourselves, so you can do things you might not usually be comfortable saying or doing, as “it’s the character, not me!” That provides a bit of emotional distance from asking for things you want to try but are embarrassed to ask for.
I would guess that when the person who is fulfilling the request of their partner sees how sexually excited and enthusiastic the other person gets, well, there is no better positive reinforcement than that for continuing exploring.
The benefits are the excitement, fulfillment, and intimacy. Being able to share these things with your partner brings you closer. Maybe it’s an endorphin blast to your brain that makes you feel all goofy and happy… but, scientifically, isn’t that what love is, too?
Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Your Crazy Sexual Desires Don’t Make Sense. Enjoy ‘em Anyway!
For me, the greatest thing about the Internet is that I have made some incredibly close online friends, friends like I haven’t made since college. I’ve met them on discussion boards and in chat rooms over the years, and I have half-a-dozen folks who I keep in touch with online fairly regularly, who I’ve never met in person.
As you might guess, I met all of them in adult chatrooms. They are all people who are a bit more introspective and “real,” than most, and we soon were chatting about our lives as well as things like how to hide your bondage stuff when you have in-laws visiting.
And it’s not as seedy or sordid as it might seem. Nowadays, you can chat with people of like interests on any number of sites, from Yahoo Instant Messenger to FetLife. You won’t click with most. But over time, you might.
With these folks’ permission, I am sharing a bit of these folks’ stories of how they discovered kink. In all cases, these are not their real names.
Jenna’s a mom with kids in high school. She’s never been a member of the popular crowd, but is sincere in her faith and her desire to be a good wife and mom. She’s always hungered for love and attention, and to be desired, owned and protected by her partner.
She didn’t fully come to realize what she wanted until 50 Shades came out. Reading that book, she soon was devouring other erotic fiction she found on Amazon. And one of the books she read mentioned FetLife as a site she might want to join… which she did, which was where we met online.
Like us, she and her husband are entirely monogamous, and are similar in a lot of other interesting ways that I won’t mention. But we just clicked.
Jenna gathered her courage as she figured out what she wanted, and spoke to her great husband about her spicy desires. It’s hard making someone who had never considered this stuff understand what was being asked for, but she wasn’t shy about giving him things to read.
They ratcheted it up over time. They experimented with different things, and found what they liked. And, he was surprised and excited by both how worked up the things got her, and also the visual and mental stimulation it gave him.
What she finds most compelling is that she has his full attention and his clear desire for her. He may be distracted other times, but when they’re in the throes of a kinky sex session, there is no one there but them, and their play can be intense and cathartic.
They’ve had their setbacks; she struggles with his ability to truly “lead” in their bedroom activities, to fully take on the “dom” role and “own” everything, including her. But, compared to most folks, the nature and intensity of their activities impresses the hell out of me, personally.
They continue to work on him taking more of the lead, and it’s not always as much as she wants and desires, but she knows she is getting a lot of what she wants. And I joked with her once that I suspect that they have more and better sex than the rest of their church, combined.
Now married to a disabled man who is step-father to her adult son, Diane had some horrific family situations that left her scarred in many ways, including being married to an emotionally-abusive alcoholic.
She says she has always been submissive, although she’d never had words to describe it. Then, one day, she met a man who was a classical dominant, and cheated on her husband. After that night, she never had sex with her soon-to-be ex again, and also resolved to leave him, which she did. She had to save up her courage, and her money. It happened long before I ever knew her, but I’m proud of her.
Over time, thanks to the Internet, she read and researched more, and found out she was sexually submissive, and found herself a good man who she educated to be what she wanted in the bedroom. Their sex life is incredibly and increasingly steamy, and most folks wouldn’t believe it. They’ve also found that the quality of their connection has only improved over time, and as they’ve slowly opened up to each other about their sexual desires, they’ve been able to open up their hearts further to each other as well.
With nearly ten years in the military and several overseas deployments, Rafael and his wife had the need to reconnect after their long separations.
His wife wanted to know that when he was there, he was there. She wanted to know that he truly wanted and desired her, to the point that she wanted him wanted him to own her. She couldn’t out-and-out ask for this, but Rafael noticed that she responded very strongly and positively to rougher, more assertive sex… and sex that was incredibly fulfilling for him.
It wasn’t long before he figured out that tying her up and giving her orders was part of what she fantasized about. This opened the door to some intimate conversations where she opened her heart, and the two of them have pursued an arrangement with him in the more constant dominant role than what my wife and I do.
But I find it a heart-warming story of two people who love each other who want to give each other what they need.
Does any of this sound weird to you? Hopefully not.
In each of these cases, these folks were meeting the needs of their partners or getting their own needs satisfied. The roughness or dominance of what they do or desire is not abusive or unwanted, but is perceived more as a visceral demonstration of their desire and hunger for one another.
No one’s getting hurt or abused. Actually, it’s exactly the opposite. Both people are getting exactly what they want and need, and which has for a long time seemed wrong to ask for.
There are many people who are still hiding their desires and what they are. “In the Closet” has traditionally meant that someone is secretly gay, but it can also apply to folks with other fetishes and sexual interests that aren’t acceptable in mainstream society.
A common one is men who have a fetish for women’s underwear, or even cross-dressing. Many of these men feel they can’t share their desires with their wives.
Other fetishes are too many to list… but if you have a fetish, or your partner does, consider bringing it out. You might need to do it in a joking or non-threatening way, but if your partner wants you to be happy, it is reasonable to expect that you can work something out.
And really, unspoken and unfulfilled desires can eventually kill a relationship. Or can keep you from having true intimacy with your partner, depriving both of you of the connection you deserve.
Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Is Bondage Wrong? Not if Wives Want a Strong Man in Bed and an Equal Partner the Rest of the Time.
Well, everyone is different, and the spicy recipes that you make with your partner will suit both your individual tastes.
But the true benefit for couples is that this spicy stuff brings couples together and creates intimacy.
I’ve always seen it as just something fun and exciting that my wife and I do together, for ourselves and each other, because it’s a blast and so sexually exciting. It was only recently when I was talking with a friend online that I realized that technically, that means we have a kinky relationship, and we’re a kinky couple. Hmm. Okay. I guess that’s true! And I can live with it.
It’s not just kink for kink’s sake. It is creating connection between two people through exploring things together that really, perhaps secretly, turn them on. The person may not be able to explain why it’s a turn on… but being able to trust, explore and experience the excitement of seemingly forbidden fantasies together… how couldn’t it bring two people closer together?
There are tons of fetishes and sexual interests out there to explore! Some seem bizarre: but really, most are understandable and explainable. Examples:
We’ll delve deeper into these and other things in other posts… it’s a fun topic!
But the bottom line is that people do have appetites that are getting satisfied with this stuff.
Maybe the desire being satisfied it’s for being desired. For control. For not being in control. For slaking a thirst for new experiences. For trying something that is forbidden, by rules of gender, morality, or society.
Often, our sexual desires tap into subconscious things: I’ve chatted online with a number of guys who totally got into a frenzy fantasizing about their wives having sex with other men. It makes them overwhelmed with lust and desire for their wives, both because another man is interested in the wife and finds her desirable, but so much so they push to get her… proving her value and sexual desirability. Some even encourage their wives to go through with it. (What the wives get out of it is a bit more easy to grasp.) It is agony and ecstasy for these guys, and while not something I personally want to experience from either end, these guys were able to help me understand what they found thrilling and satisfying about it. (It’s an interesting topic, you can learn lots more by googling hotwife or cuckolding.)
And to emphasize one again the one thing that’s not talked about enough is that kink leads to the fulfillment of being able to try out your own fantasies… and have a willing, even enthusiastic partner who helps you make them come true. Or to say it another way:
Kink is connection, and leads to greater intimacy.
Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: How Normal People Get into Kink: Our Story
But… what is your definition of a terrific sex life?
For me, it’s really about connecting with my partner. Her excitement is what’s most exciting to me. And some of the best sex we’ve had has been plain “vanilla.” Nothing fancy, but where we fed off each other’s exhilaration. I think we all can relate: think of the excitement of the first time you had sex with your partner, with the anxiety, excitement and the thrill of it.
But newness fades. So to keep things fresh we try new things. Not just for the novelty, but to explore and excite our partners, and excite ourselves in return.
Of course, some folks don’t try new things. The result can be “bed death,” a phrase I find so perfectly descriptive. It’s when the sex gets so dull that neither partner sees the point anymore.
So, to stay enthusiastic, we try new things. Sometimes we try the Spicy Sex Stuff, which is more often known as “kink.” Kinky stuff is everywhere nowadays. Books. Movies. Magazines. TV shoes. And it’s a popular topic of conversation.
But you may not know anybody that actually does it. Or admits to doing it. Yet people clearly are doing it. After 50 Shades, became popular, hardware stores reported they were selling out of rope.
And people were into this stuff before 50 Shades came around. My wife and I got into this as a direct result of her interest from reading Ann Rice’s Sleeping Beauty series long before I even met her. (link to affiliate store)
So, we do kinky stuff in the bedroom.
It’s been an absolute blast.
But, despite us playing with kink in the bedroom, we have a modern marriage of equals. So what do we enjoy about this stuff? Well, being equals can be exhausting. Sometimes she gets tired of being the strong woman; she wants me to step up, be in charge, and lead. And for me, being careful to make every single decision together is exhausting for me, too. And frankly, it evaporates my manly independence –which I admit is important to me as a guy—and thus impacts my own feelings of masculinity and also how she perceives me.
I mean, crap, sometimes I just want to say, “Enough. We’ll do it my way. Decided.” <smile> Which is guaranteed to make her explode. So, often we’ll talk, and just do things her way, because I don’t really care, and I don’t want a fight. But sometimes I feel it would be nice to be able to be Papa Bear, and everyone jumps to my commands. But… the world don’t work like that no more, at least not in our house.
She’d never want to give up her power in the relationship. She wants me to be nurturing, be involved with running the house and making a nice home for us and our family, and be sensitive to her needs and emotions. Yet she craves to be overpowered by a strong man. Luckily for both of us, we’ve figured it out, and roleplay in the bedroom scratches that itch. And I’m the one that scratches it. Me. I’m the only one.
And my wife isn’t alone. A recent Huffington Post article by psychologist Randi Gunther, Ph.D. shares that she is seeing numerous couples where, Husbands are happy with more equality. Wives are still divorcing them. The sensitive male does not inspire sexual passion.
But, for us, in the bedroom we have play sessions where we live out these fantasies of her submission and my dominance… my overpowering masculinity, her enthusiastic submission. It’s a mental shift, totally unlike our day-to-day relationship, where she submits to my will.
Being the son of a single, strongly feminist mother, I had issues accepting the dominant role when I figured out that was what she needed, wanted and was asking for. But eventually I figured it out. And it has totally paid off.
For us, her occasional submission gives her permission to be naughty and my object… and to give herself over to her pleasure, as well as mine. She gives up control, and there’s a freedom in that, which she usually doesn’t have. She doesn’t have to think, she just does. And for me, it’s the same thing, just from the opposite direction.
We are fortunate that we’re comfortable going back to our normal roles of equals afterwards with no real trouble. And for some time –days, weeks, even months—we’re both much more happy and relaxed. It also cements in her brain that I am a man who has demonstrated I can –and do—act in bold, dominant male fashion. And it satisfies her need for masculinity.
Some folks enjoy being spanked… and more.
For us, we really aren’t into anything painful, except that a sound spanking can be a lot of fun. For us it’s much more about the roleplaying aspect, but the nerves down in that area get all jumbled up, and there’s crossover that can lead to stronger orgasms for my gal.
There’s also the sensation and adrenaline, and how alive and focused it makes the person getting spanked feel… and it’s exciting to the person giving the spanking as well.
We’re pretty basic in what we do, but you’ve probably seen stuff on the Internet that makes you wince. Us, too. But some folks do enjoy that stuff. Intensely.
Spicy sex is what you like. Like the spices we add to the recipes you like, you cook up what you personally like.
Meanwhile, others seek more “24/7” or “lifestyle” arrangements: a more permanent relationship structure where one person is dominant over the other. In some ways this is reminiscent of “traditional” marriages, but it’s different in that it often now includes a much more explicit sexual element, and either gender can be dominant.
Personally, I see all this this as another example of the normal distribution… the majority of people clump towards the average in anything, but there are always some who at either extremes, and that’s fine for them. Most of us are in the middle, though. We don’t need a full-time dominant-submissive relationship. Yet that is what much of the literature out there is targeted towards… which makes perfect sense, actually. Who’s most passionate about this stuff? The folks who live and breathe it, or who crave it. And that’s one of the things that makes this site different: we’re for the folks in the middle, looking to address marriage friction, communicate better, and improve intimacy through a better sex life.
And, on the other extreme, many people have no interest in kink. And that’s fine, too. It could also be that these folks are in more ‘traditional’ marriages, with more ‘old-style’ gender roles, and no need to play out power games since they live them already. Or they’re just not particularly sexual, or don’t have a need or desire to be dominant or submissive. Or folks have “traditional” values, the idea of explicit sex and things that come with kink may make them uncomfortable.
But, if you’re in a loving, monogamous marriage or relationship, and you are feeling the desire or disconnected from each other, this spicy sex stuff can provide huge benefits.
Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Becoming a Kinky Couple Reignites Your Relationship and is a Blast!
“I love you… but I’m not in love with you.”
Those words are usually spoken by wives to their husbands, and it means it’s the end.
The woman has fallen out of love. And she doesn’t find him sexually attractive anymore.
There could be any number of reasons. The usual ones are that the couple grew apart, found flaws in their relationship, their priorities changed, or just couldn’t get along. More extreme reasons are abuse, infidelity, financial irresponsibility, or maybe the person just met someone else.
But, let’s think about the last item. Let’s suppose that the guy is a great husband who believes in equality and supports his wife. He vacuums, cooks, takes care of the kids. He encourages his wife to have her own career and interests, listens to her, rubs her neck. He doesn’t push sex on her when she’s tired and stressed. She starts thinking of him not just her husband… but her best friend.
And then she meets the testosterone-laden alpha male who may not do any of those things… but lights her fires like they haven’t been aflame in years. She obsesses on this new man… and gives her nice, caring husband the heave-ho.
They aren’t rational.
Or, let’s take the flip side of the coin. A guy has a wife who is perfect in every way… but he starts sleeping with a coworker who he’s fallen in love –and lust– with. He throws away his marriage and everything he had.
Our hormones are addictive. They control us, subconsciously. And they impact both sexes equally.
They drive us to do stupid things for shitty reasons.
And the answer is that both partners need to be honest with themselves and each other about what they want. And often, this means non-politically correct sex.
In the case of my wife and me, we have found that occasional roleplay in the bedroom resets the stresses of relationship of equals, recharges us, and gives us a cathartic outlet that brings balance to our relationship.
We don’t do it all the time, and we need our regular sexual connection as well. But me taking the dominant role, acting the alpha and giving her orders I expect obeyed lets my wife see me in a more masculine way that she secretly hungers for. And to trigger her enjoyment she has to make the mental shift to surrender and give up control… which is a hard thing for her to do, but ultimately is liberating and cathartic for her.
It’s been the answer for us, and increasingly, science is proving this out.
So, for those wives and husbands who have lost interest in their partner, who have fallen out of love or are risk of doing so, I firmly believe an occasional session of such roleplay does wonders, and can heal some of what is potentially fatally stressing the relationship.
And with that, we end this series of posts.
The next series of posts is called Spicing Things Up: Ignite your Passion! The first post explains what folks enjoy about spicy sex and things that aren’t politically correct but which are bringing back the spark in marriages and relationships.
Read the first post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Why Do People Like the Spicy Sex Stuff?