A dying sex life is all too common…
Paul turns off the lights in the kids’ rooms. They’re all tucked in, bedtime stories are told, and now he has loving on his mind. It’s Saturday night, and this is probably his only opportunity for the week. He slips into the master bedroom and sees his wife Elaine propped up on a few pillows, in her threadbare but comfy cotton nightgown. Tonight she’s reading a novel; other nights she’s playing Candy Crush or watching the new episode of Scandal. Paul brushes his teeth, and then heads towards the bed.
Elaine ignores him until he’s turning the sheets back, and then she looks up at Paul with some annoyance. She knows what he wants… and she isn’t really in the mood. She knows it’s been a week since they last made love… but she’s tired, and just not feeling it. They have a boring sex life at best. But if he insists, she’ll feel guilty if she doesn’t accommodate him.
Meanwhile, Paul tries to remain positive, but he can read the body language, and already he knows he has the choice of either nicely taking the brush-off, or pushing it and getting sex with an unenthusiastic, borderline resentful partner… which is almost worse than not getting sex at all. But it’s been a week… he’s starving for sex…
If you’ve been together for a while, this may sound all too familiar. The novelty and newness is gone, one or both partners are having libido issues, and the life is just getting sucked out of the relationship.
You can barely find time for sex at all, and when you do it’s not as good as it used to be. You can feel the intimacy waning. And you don’t know what to do about it.
Your sex life is dying.
We don’t have enough time for ourselves. We don’t have enough time for each other. And unsurprisingly, we aren’t having enough sex and what sex we are having is terrible.
Even worse, for some the sex even stops all together. Perhaps it’s stress. Or no time. Or the sex got boring. Or one or the other partners lost their libido. Or the sense of intimacy in the relationship failed due to other problems in the relationship. It’s hard to feel sexy and want intimacy when you’re angry and resentful.
So, how about you?
Are relationship issues impacting your sex life?
Or, are sex life issues impacting your relationship?
Do you know why? Do you know how to fix things?
Here, I talk about relationship issues, conflict, communication, and how it’s all connected to feeling intimate with our partners and our sex lives. But I feel very strongly about one thing:
A healthy sex life is a requirement for a vibrant marriage.
And by healthy sex life, I mean one of quantity and quality that fulfills both partners, and reinforces and builds connection. You can’t get more intimate than when you have sex; pleasing your partner, them pleasing you, and letting your barriers down and making yourself vulnerable. You keep things fresh by admitting your fantasies to each other, and lovingly fulfilling those fantasies without judgment and with understanding. This kind of intimacy is nourishing, cathartic, exhilarating, and fulfilling.
But so many people are missing out. Perhaps you are one of them.
Love and sex are the greatest rewards of life. We all deserve to have someone to love, and to love us, and to have someone with whom we can let our guard down around and explore and experience our sexuality in different ways.
If you’re in a monogamous, long-term relationship, your partner is the only one you have for exploration of your sexual fantasies and get emotional fulfillment.
But in so many cases this isn’t happening. Why is this?
- One or the other partner not being interested or available
- Simple exhaustion and lack of time
- Health or mental challenges
- Fear of a partner’s rejection for asking for new things
- Concerns about being judged or doing things seem forbidden
- Just not being aware of the possibilities that are out there
- Lack of sexual interest in one’s partner
And of course there are traditional relationship issues; if you have those, you have another set of problems. But if you have a reasonably good marriage where the spark has just disappeared, this site and these posts can help.
This series of posts will talk about the issues that can lead to a loss of sexual desire, how you can address the, and how you can bring the spark back to your relationship.
Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Spice Up Your Sex Life to Increase Intimacy