Being Desired Turns Women On

Spicing Things Up Index

How Normal People Are Getting into Kink: More Stories

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

More and More People are Getting Into Kink

For me, the greatest thing about the Internet is that I have made some incredibly close online friends, friends like I haven’t made since college. I’ve met them on discussion boards and in chat rooms over the years, and I have half-a-dozen folks who I keep in touch with online fairly regularly, who I’ve never met in person.

As you might guess, I met all of them in adult chatrooms. They are all people who are a bit more introspective and “real,” than most, and we soon were chatting about our lives as well as things like how to hide your bondage stuff when you have in-laws visiting.

And it’s not as seedy or sordid as it might seem. Nowadays, you can chat with people of like interests on any number of sites, from Yahoo Instant Messenger to FetLife. You won’t click with most. But over time, you might.

With these folks’ permission, I am sharing a bit of these folks’ stories of how they discovered kink. In all cases, these are not their real names.

Jenna

Jenna’s a mom with kids in high school. She’s never been a member of the popular crowd, but is sincere in her faith and her desire to be a good wife and mom. She’s always hungered for love and attention, and to be desired, owned and protected by her partner.

She didn’t fully come to realize what she wanted until 50 Shades came out. Reading that book, she soon was devouring other erotic fiction she found on Amazon. And one of the books she read mentioned FetLife as a site she might want to join… which she did, which was where we met online.

Like us, she and her husband are entirely monogamous, and are similar in a lot of other interesting ways that I won’t mention. But we just clicked.

Jenna gathered her courage as she figured out what she wanted, and spoke to her great husband about her spicy desires. It’s hard making someone who had never considered this stuff understand what was being asked for, but she wasn’t shy about giving him things to read.

They ratcheted it up over time. They experimented with different things, and found what they liked. And, he was surprised and excited by both how worked up the things got her, and also the visual and mental stimulation it gave him.

What she finds most compelling is that she has his full attention and his clear desire for her. He may be distracted other times, but when they’re in the throes of a kinky sex session, there is no one there but them, and their play can be intense and cathartic.

They’ve had their setbacks; she struggles with his ability to truly “lead” in their bedroom activities, to fully take on the “dom” role and “own” everything, including her. But, compared to most folks, the nature and intensity of their activities impresses the hell out of me, personally.

They continue to work on him taking more of the lead, and it’s not always as much as she wants and desires, but she knows she is getting a lot of what she wants. And I joked with her once that I suspect that they have more and better sex than the rest of their church, combined.

Diane

Now married to a disabled man who is step-father to her adult son, Diane had some horrific family situations that left her scarred in many ways, including being married to an emotionally-abusive alcoholic.

She says she has always been submissive, although she’d never had words to describe it. Then, one day, she met a man who was a classical dominant, and cheated on her husband. After that night, she never had sex with her soon-to-be ex again, and also resolved to leave him, which she did. She had to save up her courage, and her money. It happened long before I ever knew her, but I’m proud of her.

Over time, thanks to the Internet, she read and researched more, and found out she was sexually submissive, and found herself a good man who she educated to be what she wanted in the bedroom. Their sex life is incredibly and increasingly steamy, and most folks wouldn’t believe it. They’ve also found that the quality of their connection has only improved over time, and as they’ve slowly opened up to each other about their sexual desires, they’ve been able to open up their hearts further to each other as well.

Rafael

With nearly ten years in the military and several overseas deployments, Rafael and his wife had the need to reconnect after their long separations.

His wife wanted to know that when he was there, he was there. She wanted to know that he truly wanted and desired her, to the point that she wanted him wanted him to own her. She couldn’t out-and-out ask for this, but Rafael noticed that she responded very strongly and positively to rougher, more assertive sex… and sex that was incredibly fulfilling for him.

It wasn’t long before he figured out that tying her up and giving her orders was part of what she fantasized about. This opened the door to some intimate conversations where she opened her heart, and the two of them have pursued an arrangement with him in the more constant dominant role than what my wife and I do.

But I find it a heart-warming story of two people who love each other who want to give each other what they need.

Kink is normal

Does any of this sound weird to you? Hopefully not.

In each of these cases, these folks were meeting the needs of their partners or getting their own needs satisfied. The roughness or dominance of what they do or desire is not abusive or unwanted, but is perceived more as a visceral demonstration of their desire and hunger for one another.

No one’s getting hurt or abused. Actually, it’s exactly the opposite. Both people are getting exactly what they want and need, and which has for a long time seemed wrong to ask for.

Still in the Closet

There are many people who are still hiding their desires and what they are. “In the Closet” has traditionally meant that someone is secretly gay, but it can also apply to folks with other fetishes and sexual interests that aren’t acceptable in mainstream society.

A common one is men who have a fetish for women’s underwear, or even cross-dressing. Many of these men feel they can’t share their desires with their wives.

Other fetishes are too many to list… but if you have a fetish, or your partner does, consider bringing it out. You might need to do it in a joking or non-threatening way, but if your partner wants you to be happy, it is reasonable to expect that you can work something out.

And really, unspoken and unfulfilled desires can eventually kill a relationship. Or can keep you from having true intimacy with your partner, depriving both of you of the connection you deserve.

Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Is Bondage Wrong? Not if Wives Want a Strong Man in Bed and an Equal Partner the Rest of the Time.

Spicing Things Up Index

Becoming a Kinky Couple Reignites Your Relationship and is a Blast!

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

What do people get out of spicy sex and exploring the kinky stuff together?

Well, everyone is different, and the spicy recipes that you make with your partner will suit both your individual tastes.

But the true benefit for couples is that this spicy stuff brings couples together and creates intimacy.

I’ve always seen it as just something fun and exciting that my wife and I do together, for ourselves and each other, because it’s a blast and so sexually exciting. It was only recently when I was talking with a friend online that I realized that technically, that means we have a kinky relationship, and we’re a kinky couple. Hmm. Okay. I guess that’s true! And I can live with it.

There’s more to it than power games!

It’s not just kink for kink’s sake. It is creating connection between two people through exploring things together that really, perhaps secretly, turn them on. The person may not be able to explain why it’s a turn on… but being able to trust, explore and experience the excitement of seemingly forbidden fantasies together… how couldn’t it bring two people closer together?

There are tons of fetishes and sexual interests out there to explore! Some seem bizarre: but really, most are understandable and explainable. Examples:

Spanking – My gal loves being spanked. Heck, it was her idea, although she doesn’t like to admit it. When we do it, for the duration of the “scene” we tie her submission into it, and my dominance. And it’s not really about “correcting” her, although some people enjoy that. It’s more about giving her my full attention, making her feel punished for her dirty thoughts… and punishing her because it turns me on and I want to do it.
Lingerie – the idea of giving yourself over to being a sexy being… so at odds with being a doctor, lawyer and mother!
Voyeurism and exhibitionism – it’s exciting to watch, secretly or otherwise. And it can be a thrill to be watched, to see someone interested in getting a glimpse of you!
Swinging – We don’t swing, and are happy being monogamous. But increasingly, people are seeing sex outside marriage as “just sex,” separate from the committed relationship. It’s a thrill to watch and be watched… this takes it further. It’s not something for my wife and me, but it’s understandable. Of course, the risks of getting hurt emotionally seems high to me.
Roleplay – Many of us have trouble letting loose and getting what we want. But if we play a role –Master, slave, boss, teacher, student, pizza delivery guy, vampire, werewolf, Anna Nicole Smith, whatever turns you on– we can forget who we are, and focus on what we want. And it’s fun, if you can let go!
And much more…

We’ll delve deeper into these and other things in other posts… it’s a fun topic!

But the bottom line is that people do have appetites that are getting satisfied with this stuff.

Maybe the desire being satisfied it’s for being desired. For control. For not being in control. For slaking a thirst for new experiences. For trying something that is forbidden, by rules of gender, morality, or society.

Often, our sexual desires tap into subconscious things: I’ve chatted online with a number of guys who totally got into a frenzy fantasizing about their wives having sex with other men. It makes them overwhelmed with lust and desire for their wives, both because another man is interested in the wife and finds her desirable, but so much so they push to get her… proving her value and sexual desirability. Some even encourage their wives to go through with it. (What the wives get out of it is a bit more easy to grasp.) It is agony and ecstasy for these guys, and while not something I personally want to experience from either end, these guys were able to help me understand what they found thrilling and satisfying about it. (It’s an interesting topic, you can learn lots more by googling hotwife or cuckolding.)

And to emphasize one again the one thing that’s not talked about enough is that kink leads to the fulfillment of being able to try out your own fantasies… and have a willing, even enthusiastic partner who helps you make them come true. Or to say it another way:

Kink is connection, and leads to greater intimacy.

Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: How Normal People Get into Kink: Our Story

Spicing Things Up Index

When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 2: Health and Hormone Issues

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Often, the person who won’t have sex doesn’t see it as a big deal.

But it is for the other person.

Both partners need to realize this. And need to work together to solve the issue.

Reading the comments on a Psychology Today article about whether sexless marriages justify infidelity, it seems that the person who doesn’t want to have sex often doesn’t understand their partner’s distress and unhappiness.

I read some comments on an article about sexless marriages where a woman said she was just done, and her husband needed to deal with it, and she didn’t see it as a bit issue.

But it clearly is an issue when a spouse won’t have sex. And some people have an unwillingness to admit there’s a problem, especially with them.

Sometimes, it’s simple self-centeredness.

But other times, it’s hormones.

We are share many traits with other species, particularly in the limbic system of our brain. In humans, a rational brain evolved over millions of year, but it is on top of the primal, pre-rational brain that existed for hundreds of million years before in one form or another. The primitive parts of our brain are still there, and are primarily responsible for our emotions and many of our behaviors. And sometimes what our emotions want and what our rational brain knows is good for us are two different things.

And if we have a hormonal imbalance, our sex drive can drop or disappear. Science has shown that women’s libido is directly correlated with estrogen and testosterone.

So, it’s not a stretch to say that when these levels drop, due to menopause or something else, women’s libidos tank.

These hormones are also especially sensitive to stress. When women are stressed, they produce more of the stress hormone cortisol as well as adrenaline, which has been shown in studies to depress libido.

So. One of the first things to address, beyond chronic health issues, are issues related to menopause and stress. There are things that a person can do about these, either with a physician –particularly a holistic or alternative medicine doctor– or mental health professional.

But, let’s say something that isn’t said often: the person who is suffering from these issues often do not feel they have an issue, and have no desire to have them addressed. Even if their spouse is suffering, and their marriage is suffering, mentally they feel that the other person is over-reacting and should just let it go. Sex, they feel, should not be the basis of a marriage, as a marriage is more than just sex.

One one hand, yes, that’s true.

On the other hand, sex is part of marriage. Part of the implied contract is that both spouses will remain faithful. But, this also presupposes that the couple is having sex, and adequate sex. When one person can’t or won’t have sex, that marriage contract is being broken, although perhaps unintentionally.

If your partner won’t agree that lack of sex is an issue, then you need to get marriage counseling to help you work through the issue.

Marriage Counseling

My wife and I have had our issues.

Everyone does.

We’ve been fortunate, though, that they haven’t been serious issues compared to others. No alcohol or substance addictions. No abuse, physical or otherwise. No infidelity or affairs. No growing apart or significant issues with anger or resentment.

But, we have had our issues. Often they’re around expectations, lack of communication, or things we never talked about around how we want to live our lives.

By far, the biggest issue for me was been when our sex life withered on the vine.

We were having an increasing number of disagreements and fights. We didn’t feel as close. We didn’t spend quality time together. And it worked out time after time that she won’t have sex.

And although rationally I knew it wasn’t her fault, seething below the surface I was angry that I wasn’t getting sex. That she wasn’t making herself available to me. That she didn’t want me. That she didn’t care about me. That she rejected me when I did ask. That, my subconscious insisted, she didn’t really love me.

And on top of that, she was irritable, anxious, depressed and defensive as a result of her condition. Our fights were the worst of our marriage… and often, I had no idea where they came from or even what they were really about. And she’s always had the ability to go on the offense when she felt defensive. Our fights never went well for me.

During one of our fights, I can’t even remember about what, I said that maybe we needed marriage counseling.

Oddly, that cooled her off. Although I did frame it as it being to help me understand all the things I was doing wrong so I could be a better husband.

But to her mind, it showed that I did want to be married to her, and I did want to work things out.

And somehow, that right there triggered me to really immerse myself in her health issues, as I realized that I really needed to get those solved first, before there was any point in addressing other relationship issues.

Plus, frankly, I had read enough to suspect that if I could get her health issues addressed, her libido should return. And that should go a long way towards fixing the tension between us.

And it has.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Fallen out of Love

Marriage, Part 6: Reconnecting Sexually in a Marriage of Equals

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

There are things that make us attractive to each other. Even if your marriage has never been one of sweaty bunched-up bedsheets every night, it is the sexual desire and connection that makes a marriage a marriage.

Oh, sure, you can love each other, but if you’re not having any kind of sexual relationship, or at least not a satisfying one, then you’re just roommates. Maybe great roommates, with a marriage contract and a shared purpose, but we are built to form pairs based on sex and reproduction. What keeps us together is that sexual energy and connection. It’s the payoff for dirty diapers and long hours at work.

And if you’ve lost that connection then you have problems that need to be fixed.

Reconnecting Sexually

Assuming that your partner hasn’t grown a tail or changed in some way that makes them physically unattractive to you, and that there are no health issues contributing, then what other reasons could there be for your lack of sexual desire for your spouse, or your spouse in you?

We have already talked about anger and conflict. If you do not have that issue, or are working on it, and there is still a lack of interest, what else could it be?

Today, for most, marriage is a partnership of equals, and that’s probably your default mode. That’s the marriage I have. I wouldn’t trade it, especially given that I was raised by a feminist mother, and consider myself a feminist, too.

But, understand that below our rational, egalitarian goals, there are primitive sexual roles and desires that want and need to be fed.

Women respond to masculinity. This is not sexist to say: it’s biological. In the bedroom, women want men to be men. Because in our evolutionary past, it is the masculine features that kept women safe and provided a good and safe home for her and her children. Even today, women still respond to men in jobs that are still considered masculine: police, firefighters, soldiers, cowboys. They may not appreciate sexism, but they know these are men who can protect them if they need them to.

Women also respond to men who are physically in good shape. Ask yourself, who’s more attractive: a guy who spends all day at a desk eating junk food, or the guy who takes care of himself? You can be a programmer or have any other kind of nerdy job that pays well, but still take care of yourself.

And women are attracted to men who have confidence, who are competent and who are assertive. Not blowhards or dictators, but men who are leaders by the content of their character and because they can get the job done. If they demonstrate these traits, and if what they want is the woman in question… it’s a turn on to that woman.

In this era of equality, where men seek consensus and agreement in decisions, or even just generally defer to their woman’s preferences, this saps some of the desire from women, seeing their men as equals, not as leaders. It ain’t fair. But it’s true.

And there was a story in the New York Times recently, about how men doing domestic chores around the house can make them seem less manly… and thus, less sexually desirable to their wives. For example, a woman gets upset that the man didn’t vacuum exactly the way that the woman likes. The combination of him doing “feminine” chores with her being more “in charge” and directing him to do things, and then “correcting” him in a way that makes her dominant torpedoes a woman’s libido for her man, especially when repeated over and over in lots of different little ways.

So, men: maintain your manliness. Don’t let yourselves slide, and don’t allow yourselves to get totally domesticated.

And women: you know that your men want sex. Know that if you push us into roles that cause us to be seen as less manly in the name of equality, there can be an effect on your marriage, intimacy and sex life.

My advice? If you can afford it, get a housekeeper. Men, sacrifice something to pay for it you need to. Don’t be seen as doing feminine jobs. Just do the things that are perceived as manly by your woman.

Women, leave the manly things around your house to your guy, and either do the feminine ones yourself, or get help. Also recognize that guys often aren’t nearly as particular about their homes being just-so, and demanding he meet your standards can have a negative impact. Don’t order or nag. Nothing is less sexy or more emasculating. If you have something you want us to do, ask for it clearly and explain why you want it. If you detect hesitancy, ask if it’s not okay. Then we can discuss it. And if we want to discuss it, don’t get angry. If we have a marriage of equals, then you need to treat us as equals, not the help or as children who aren’t doing simple things the way you expect.

In the bedroom

Guys, if nowhere else, this is the place to be manly. Take charge, and take control. If your feminist girl objects, tell her firmly that you’d like to try an experiment. First, in your nice, we’re equal voice, look her in the eye and say to her, “Honey, I’d like to have sex.” Then, in your deep, masculine voice, look her in the eye, say, “I want you. Now. Get your clothes off.” Then stop. And ask her which one she preferred. She may be surprised when she admits that the second choice was much hotter to her. This should open the door to your being more assertive and demanding in bed, and you should see both her desire increase, as well as your intimacy. And your happiness.

Gals, if you’re reading the above, think about it. Which would you prefer? Which makes your temperature rise? If it’s the first answer, I’d like to know. For some women, maybe it probably is the first option. And that’s fine. But for most, it is first option.

And this is not an attack on feminism. I am totally for gender equality. But if there are side-effects that are killing desire in the bedroom and keeping me from getting sex that I need –and threatens the viability of our long-term relationship– then that’s an issue that needs to be addressed.

But let’s just say it again: a healthy relationship includes a healthy sex life. And by healthy, I mean one that is of a frequency and intensity that creates connection and intimacy between two people. It makes everything else better, eliminates stress, and makes people feel more connected and able to communicate better about other frictions.

Other nourishing things

Spend time apart – absence really does make the heart grow fonder. And libidos rise.
Women, be feminine in response to our manliness. It’s not a bad thing.
Try new things, both in your relationship, lives and in the bedroom.
Go on dates.
Laugh together.
Don’t get in ruts.
TALK.
Read erotic stories together. (Get your free erotic story in my library!)
Surprise each other!

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Reignite the Spark in your Marriage with New Bedroom Adventures

Marriage, Part 5: I’m Just Not Feeling the Spark Anymore. I’m feeling Unfulfilled.

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan 2 Comments

No Spark in Marriage

Maybe you don’t have big issues, but are just feeling unsatisfied in your marriage and sex life.

How do you reignite the spark that has died?

This may be surprising, but it’s not flowers, love notes, a surprise date, or a massage.

Some of it is just connecting again.

If you feel like you’re just roommates, cohabitating but who have nothing in common, then you both need to remember what it was that attracted you to each other in the first place. Then, think of how to recapture that spirit. If it was sports, go someplace and play or watch what you enjoyed. If it was music, go to a show. If it was art, or poetry, or a shared passion, get out of your rut and make the effort to reconnect through what brought you together in the first place.

Then, clear out distractions, and talk, like you’re on a first date. Ask questions. Be interested in each other. Ask your partner to tell you something you didn’t know, about them or what you’re doing.

Often, much of our attraction to each other is based on newness, novelty, and surprise. Find ways to do things together that inspire these things. Build new connections and experiences together.

If you keep doing the same thing you’ve always done… you’ll keep getting the result you’ve always gotten.

Get out of your rut. Go on dates. Do new things. Have an adventure.

Everyone gets bored doing the same thing, in the same four walls, predictably and invariably. So, mix it up. Go for a walk. Find a concert. Go window shopping. Book a cruise. Keep things new for both of you!

Spicing things up

It is amazing to me that even with all the sexual imagery we’re all bombarded with, how many people seem to have disappointing sex lives. Sex that is either infrequent or where missionary on Saturday night is about as good as it gets.

Some folks are hung up about admitting their desires or curiosity about various things. Others have moral or religious reservations about doing things that seem “dirty.” Or, they are afraid of how their spouse may respond.

My opinion is that what happens in your own bedroom is no one’s business but your own. If you want to order something sexy out of a Victoria’s Secret catalog… or Frederick’s of Hollywood, do it. And if you want to get something that buzzes, vibrates or plugs in, for heaven’s sake, do it already. Your partner will more than likely be thrilled. And if they’re not, then it’s a great conversation opener about why not… and how you’re not getting experiences you’d like to have.

And that goes for other things you might like to try, watch or participate in as well.

My next series of posts gives a ton more details about how to spice things up… and what people like and find sexy about those things.

But what about when it’s not about trying something new… but just a lack of desire, period?

In my next post, I talk about reconnecting sexually.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Marriage, Part 6: Reconnecting Sexually in a Marriage of Equals

What to Do When your Sex Life is Dying and you Don’t Feel Close Anymore

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

“I’m bored in our marriage.”

“I don’t feel close to my spouse any more.”

“Our sex life has fizzled.”

Have you heard these, or maybe said them yourself?

If you have, you’re in good company.

Actually, if you’re married, it’s almost inevitable that at some point, you’ll say one, some or all of these things yourself.

Being married is hard. Raising a family is exhausting. And making a living is often thankless and stressful.

Then, trying to maintain the spark and intimacy with your spouse on top of everything else?

It’s near impossible, especially when you consider that everything has cycles, including long-term relationships. There comes a point where things aren’t “new,” anymore, where you know each other as well as two people can, and all the other responsibilities have pushed “time for each other and good sex” way down the list, if you can get to it at all.

It sucks. But this is life in the 21st Century.

But All is Not Lost

If you’re reading this blog or just found this post, you’re probably looking for answers to what you can do about declining libidos and intimacy, to bring back the romance and excitement. Maybe you’re just looking to spice things up, maybe you’re looking to reignite the spark in your marriage, or maybe you’re trying to introduce new ideas, both sexual and non-sexual, to your spouse.

Again, whatever the case, you’re in good company.

And just buying some sexy underwear or a toy is not going to be the magic wand. Well, maybe the toy you buy is a Magic Wand (highly recommended!), but you know what I mean. Any fix is more in your understanding of each other and your relationship, not in adding a Band Aid.

Every person and every relationship is different, but when the “newness” and adventure disappears from relationships, things go off track.

Also, people and relationships change and evolve over time. The Marlboro Man that made his lady swoon doesn’t seem quite as desirable when he’s splitting diaper duty, going to a cubicle job, volunteering to rub tired feet and doing all the things that make him a good husband… but not the manly, dangerous lover he was when the couple first met.

Ester Perel said it very well in her TED talk: The security, safety and comfort that we want in a long-term relationship is death to our sexual desire, which craves newness, novelty and unpredictability.

She recommends several things in keeping desire alive:

1. Make space for the erotic:

* Have a lot of privacy

* Make erotic space: time when you are just being, and are not being responsible

* Prevent distractions

2. Remember that foreplay starts long before the love making

3. Keep realistic expectations

* Things ebb and flow

* Spontaneity is a myth

* Relationship issues are not equal to bad sex

This is great advice.

But there’s more to it.

My next post provides more insight about what’s going on, how genders view things differently, and gives suggestions of things you can do to resolve conflict, communicate better, and keep the spark alive in your relationship and sex life.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Bring Back the Spark in your Relationship with These Tips!