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You are here: Home / Archives for lifestyle

Just in the Bedroom

November 6, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

If you join the Fetlife online community, the first thing you’re asked to do is to create a profile.  In your profile you describe yourself, your interests, and what you’re looking for on the site, from a romantic partner to friends to people who share your particular sexual interests. You’re also asked to describe your intensity of interest, and one of the choices you can select is “Just in the Bedroom.”

Just In the Bedroom fits me and my wife perfectly, so much so that I formed a group around it on the site.

It’s a fairly small group… some groups, like Novices and Newbies (recommended) have tens of thousands of members. Just in the Bedroom has a couple hundred gathered over the past year or so.

I think that part of the reason for this is that there’s a level of passion and commitment, and folks who get into fetish and kink are serious about it.

To be perfectly honest, folks who just roleplay a bit in the bedroom are a bit looked down upon by the most committed. Some feel that you can’t experience true submission unless you really dive into it, and enter a true power exchange relationship.

I understand these folks’ point, but I disagree. Like anything, I think it’s a matter of degree. For my gal and me, an occasional play session with me taking a dominant role satiates our desires and gives us what we need. Neither of us wants or needs a 24-7 master/slave relationship. And to be quite honest, I’ve never been attracted to potential partners who need or want me to take a 100% leadership role. I’ve always wanted a relationship of equals and partners.

It’s funny, though; in this crazy world nowadays, people are clearly mismatched, because a common topic on the site is people with submissive longings who wish their partner to take more of a dominant, leadership role. And some of these partners can’t or won’t. Or won’t take things far enough. It clearly causes anguish for all involved.

It’s also interesting that some majority of these folks tend to be submissive women, wanting their male partners to take more leadership and control. It is clearly a choice they’re making, and consensual. And because of that, I don’t believe that it’s anti-feminist. But sometimes it feels that way to me.

What’s also interesting to me is that I often pick up a vibe from the dominant males –or those who present themselves of such– that feels misogynist, selfish, narcissistic, and even psychopathic: more interested in manipulation and self-interest than true relationships, and are even unable and uninterested in forming real relationships. It disturbs me that women fall for this, and put themselves in these men’s hands.

Yet, this appears to be what some of these women want.

It seems that we are programmed to want things that aren’t always good for us. And there’s scientific evidence to support this. Women do tend to like assholes. Not sure? There’s lots of good stuff about this out there, but here’s a particularly readable post from Psychology Today.

So, what’s all this getting to?

Most women don’t want to be submissive or subservient. Nor do most men. Nor does either gender want to necessarily be dominant over their partner. But this causes some friction for those who do. And there is part of all of us that finds freedom scary and uncomfortable, and also not being in control. These are appetites, and some of us have stronger appetites than others.

So, if you want to satiate your appetites once in a while, you should. And if that’s enough, then you’re a Just-in-the-Bedroom kinda person like my wife and me.

Alternately, you may just want some kinky sex once in the while… and you don’t want any of that Dominance / submission, Sadism / Masochism, Bondage / Discipline stuff. And that’s fine, too. Maybe you’re fine with something else. (See my earlier post on Kinks.)

But ultimately, for all of us, we’re looking for love and connection, to have relationships that are fulfilling, that bring us closer and increase intimacy… and also scratch those itches that we have but sometimes can’t even explain to ourselves.

All this spicy sex stuff is fun.  It’s fulfilling.  It brings us closer together.  It helps us resolve issues in our relationships of increasing equality.

But, it’s not all there is.  There are people who aren’t kinky who sleep around and are good at bedding conquests, and ultimately those folks tend to be lonely and alone.  We know that seeking kink without connection will have the same result.  We who are Just in the Bedroom are looking to bring together traditional love and connection with the exhilaration of sexual exploration to make our relationships stronger and more vibrant, not just out of self-interest, but for love of our partner and what we have together.

It’s all good.

We are all different, and there’s not one “right” way to do spicy sex.  It’s what works for you and your partner, and what you do in your bedroom is your business, no one else’s.

As a friend said about Just in the Bedroom folks, “We’re as kinky as we want to be.” And no more.


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The Spicy Internet: The Good, the Bad, the Great, and the Awful…

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

The Internet is filled with Spicy Internet sites.  Some folks even say it’s why the Internet exists!

I enjoy participating a social media site called FetLife. It bills itself as the BDSM and fetish community for kinksters by kinksters. And I think it does a pretty good job at that and it’s probably at the center of the spicy internet. Besides creating a profile for yourself, you can find and join groups of people who share your interests, and pitch right in on conversations and topics.

You won’t be surprised to find out I created and host a group there called, “Just in the Bedroom.” If you visit the site, drop by the group and say, “hi!”

But frankly, FetLife scares the hell out of the vanillas. (Vanillas being those who are new to spicy sex.)

When you first log in, after you create a stub profile, you are likely to see graphic and even extreme pictures from the first moment, mostly from advertiser banner ads along the right-side of the page, but also from the “Kinky and Popular” tab of the site. One ad that sticks in my mind is for an adult movie site, kink.com, that has a woman tied spread eagle to some sort of device, while a sex device plunges in and out of her. This is not 101-level stuff, and for someone whose speed is romance novels, well, it’s too much. People run the other direction.

Then, if you do stick around and join a group that sounds interesting, it is an unfortunate fact that some “lifestylers” enjoy shocking and scaring off the newbies. That the person had the courage to join at all was a big step and should be admired; instead, some folks can be be mean and insulting to people for asking basic questions. It’s a bit disappointing.

But, plenty of hardy souls do make it through, find interesting groups, and get immersed in the value of the site, from pictures and videos, discussion groups, and even find get-togethers and more in their local area. And that’s great.

Fetlife Envy

But some of us are not able or willing to play publicly. We aren’t going to go to a public dungeon and let it all hang out, for various reasons. And we maybe aren’t going to try some of the things we see other people blissfully trying and posting pics of online. Or maybe we want to, but our spouse isn’t willing.

And then comes the FetLife Envy.

FetLife Envy is when you want something you can’t have. And your primal sexual cave-man or -woman is crying out in frustration that you can’t have it.

I hit this myself when I started reading a series of post –that I found credible– by a guy who posted sort of a part-instructional, part-biographical series of writings on how he finds strong, mature female submissives, and trains them to become his sex slaves, to the point that he can make them orgasm with his voice alone. And he posts pictures, too. And I know enough to know that some people really do reach those kind of levels of… whatever you call it.

For my wife and me, our sex life has been slow for a long time given our other responsibilities and priorities, and time for spicy sex has been scarce. But to read about what he does and how he does it, and the levels of fulfillment and sexual satisfaction that he and his (many!) partners get is… frustrating.

I laugh while I say it, but things like this can cause issues, when the immature part of your brain starts screaming, “I want it! I want it!” And the answer is you can’t have it.

Another online friend of mine gets frustrated when she sees things others of her friends from the site are doing, and her husband can’t do to her… or, more the case, not as often or as much as she likes. She knows she gets more than most… but still wants more. Ah, the perils of the Spicy Internet…

So, just be aware of it, and keep a throttle on it. The Internet is good… and bad… and good… and bad.

Try to focus on the good, and be realistic.

Some recommended sites

There are a vast number of adult websites out there on the spicy internet.  But here are a few ones I recommend that can help you build intimacy with your partner.  These sites can also help you connect with other people like you as well as educate and entertain.

  • Literotica – Free, user-submitted Erotica. Quality is all over the place, but ratings help you find the better stories, and you can search by topic.,
  • Fetlife – This free site combines a social media site with endless user-created groups for discussion of any topic, from “Novices and Newbies” to… extreme things. Some of this is way beyond the spicy internet… but everyone can find a place there.
  • Voyeurweb / Redclouds – Amateur-submitted photos and videos.  Voyeurweb is free but has more tame pictures.  Redclouds is $24/year, but both the explicit pictures and my favorite forum discussion board on the Internet.
  • Psychology Today – Easily the most readable, interesting and enjoyable site that covers kink topics on the Internet. And no one even thinks it’s part of the spicy internet… but it definitely is. Check out topics under “Sex.”  Free!

Bad people, and why you need to be careful

While this blog is written mainly for people in their middle years in long-term relationships, I still feel the need to say something to people who are single and looking for a partner about the BDSM community and potential partners out there:

You need to be very careful.

There are bad people out there. When you are dealing with fantasy stuff like bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism, you are dealing with somewhat extreme things. And there are people for whom this stuff isn’t extreme: it’s what they want and desire all the time.

I offer no apologies to the fetish community. It’s a fact, and one of the things that makes me uncomfortable about some of what I see is that there are clearly sociopathic, abusive and dangerous people out there. The community does talk, and munches (non-sexual happy hours, usually) do give people the chance to meet, and talk, and check up on each other. But there is still danger out there.

Also, there is rampant and reactive misogyny out there. Misogyny is hatred of women. As women exert more power in the workforce, the legal system and society, some men feel threatened. And they are looking to exploit women and don’t really care about others, just their own sexual satisfaction. Some of these guys are known as players, and there’s a whole subculture of guys out there who look to exploit women sexually, without looking for healthy relationships. Some of these guys would say they are just beating women at their own game, but I find the trend concerning. I guess it’s a natural reaction, but women need to educate themselves and be careful.

And what if you’re a woman in a long-term relationship and your significant other exhibits misogynistic behaviors? Well, you’re probably already having marriage issues beyond not feeling close, and looking at spicing up your sex life is not likely to help. Although it occurs to me that such women may not be dissatisfied with their relationships if they crave to be submissive. Of course, they probably aren’t reading this post anyway. So we’ll move along now.


Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Why Kink and Spicy Sex Still isn’t Accepted

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Why Do People Like the Spicy Sex Stuff?

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan 1 Comment

Everyone wants a fantastic sex life.

But… what is your definition of a terrific sex life?

For me, it’s really about connecting with my partner. Her excitement is what’s most exciting to me. And some of the best sex we’ve had has been plain “vanilla.” Nothing fancy, but where we fed off each other’s exhilaration. I think we all can relate: think of the excitement of the first time you had sex with your partner, with the anxiety, excitement and the thrill of it.

But newness fades. So to keep things fresh we try new things. Not just for the novelty, but to explore and excite our partners, and excite ourselves in return.

Of course, some folks don’t try new things. The result can be “bed death,” a phrase I find so perfectly descriptive. It’s when the sex gets so dull that neither partner sees the point anymore.

So, to stay enthusiastic, we try new things. Sometimes we try the Spicy Sex Stuff, which is more often known as “kink.” Kinky stuff is everywhere nowadays. Books. Movies. Magazines. TV shoes. And it’s a popular topic of conversation.

But you may not know anybody that actually does it. Or admits to doing it. Yet people clearly are doing it. After 50 Shades, became popular, hardware stores reported they were selling out of rope.

And people were into this stuff before 50 Shades came around. My wife and I got into this as a direct result of her interest from reading Ann Rice’s Sleeping Beauty series long before I even met her. (link to affiliate store)

So, we do kinky stuff in the bedroom.

It’s been an absolute blast.

How Spicy Sex is Exciting to us: Dominance and submission

But, despite us playing with kink in the bedroom, we have a modern marriage of equals. So what do we enjoy about this stuff? Well, being equals can be exhausting. Sometimes she gets tired of being the strong woman; she wants me to step up, be in charge, and lead. And for me, being careful to make every single decision together is exhausting for me, too. And frankly, it evaporates my manly independence –which I admit is important to me as a guy—and thus impacts my own feelings of masculinity and also how she perceives me.

I mean, crap, sometimes I just want to say, “Enough.  We’ll do it my way. Decided.” <smile> Which is guaranteed to make her explode. So, often we’ll talk, and just do things her way, because I don’t really care, and I don’t want a fight. But sometimes I feel it would be nice to be able to be Papa Bear, and everyone jumps to my commands. But… the world don’t work like that no more, at least not in our house.

She’d never want to give up her power in the relationship. She wants me to be nurturing, be involved with running the house and making a nice home for us and our family, and be sensitive to her needs and emotions. Yet she craves to be overpowered by a strong man. Luckily for both of us, we’ve figured it out, and roleplay in the bedroom scratches that itch. And I’m the one that scratches it. Me. I’m the only one.

And my wife isn’t alone. A recent Huffington Post article by psychologist Randi Gunther, Ph.D. shares that she is seeing numerous couples where, Husbands are happy with more equality. Wives are still divorcing them. The sensitive male does not inspire sexual passion.

But, for us, in the bedroom we have play sessions where we live out these fantasies of her submission and my dominance… my overpowering masculinity, her enthusiastic submission. It’s a mental shift, totally unlike our day-to-day relationship, where she submits to my will.

Being the son of a single, strongly feminist mother, I had issues accepting the dominant role when I figured out that was what she needed, wanted and was asking for. But eventually I figured it out. And it has totally paid off.

For us, her occasional submission gives her permission to be naughty and my object… and to give herself over to her pleasure, as well as mine. She gives up control, and there’s a freedom in that, which she usually doesn’t have. She doesn’t have to think, she just does. And for me, it’s the same thing, just from the opposite direction.

We are fortunate that we’re comfortable going back to our normal roles of equals afterwards with no real trouble. And for some time –days, weeks, even months—we’re both much more happy and relaxed. It also cements in her brain that I am a man who has demonstrated I can –and do—act in bold, dominant male fashion. And it satisfies her need for masculinity.

How Kink is Exciting to us: Sensation Play

Some folks enjoy being spanked… and more.

For us, we really aren’t into anything painful, except that a sound spanking can be a lot of fun. For us it’s much more about the roleplaying aspect, but the nerves down in that area get all jumbled up, and there’s crossover that can lead to stronger orgasms for my gal.

There’s also the sensation and adrenaline, and how alive and focused it makes the person getting spanked feel… and it’s exciting to the person giving the spanking as well.

We’re pretty basic in what we do, but you’ve probably seen stuff on the Internet that makes you wince. Us, too. But some folks do enjoy that stuff. Intensely.

Spicy sex is what you like. Like the spices we add to the recipes you like, you cook up what you personally like.

Roleplaying versus Lifestyle

Meanwhile, others seek more “24/7” or “lifestyle” arrangements: a more permanent relationship structure where one person is dominant over the other. In some ways this is reminiscent of “traditional” marriages, but it’s different in that it often now includes a much more explicit sexual element, and either gender can be dominant.

Personally, I see all this this as another example of the normal distribution… the majority of people clump towards the average in anything, but there are always some who at either extremes, and that’s fine for them. Most of us are in the middle, though. We don’t need a full-time dominant-submissive relationship. Yet that is what much of the literature out there is targeted towards… which makes perfect sense, actually. Who’s most passionate about this stuff? The folks who live and breathe it, or who crave it. And that’s one of the things that makes this site different: we’re for the folks in the middle, looking to address marriage friction, communicate better, and improve intimacy through a better sex life.

And, on the other extreme, many people have no interest in kink. And that’s fine, too. It could also be that these folks are in more ‘traditional’ marriages, with more ‘old-style’ gender roles, and no need to play out power games since they live them already. Or they’re just not particularly sexual, or don’t have a need or desire to be dominant or submissive. Or folks have “traditional” values, the idea of explicit sex and things that come with kink may make them uncomfortable.

But, if you’re in a loving, monogamous marriage or relationship, and you are feeling the desire or disconnected from each other, this spicy sex stuff can provide huge benefits.


Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series:  Becoming a Kinky Couple Reignites Your Relationship and is a Blast!

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Marriage, Part 6: Reconnecting Sexually in a Marriage of Equals

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Why Do People Like the Spicy Sex Stuff?

Becoming a Kinky Couple Reignites Your Relationship and is a Blast!

How Normal People Are Getting into Kink: More Stories

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Your Crazy Sexual Desires Don’t Make Sense. Enjoy ’em Anyway!

Explore Kink: Ten Spicy Sex Life Improvers for Couples!

Interest your Partner in the Exhilaration of Spicy Sex and Kink

No Spicy Dice: My Partner is Not Interested in Kinky Sex

The Spicy Internet: The Good, the Bad, the Great, and the Awful…

Why Kink and Spicy Sex Still isn’t Accepted

Just in the Bedroom

How Normal Couples Get into Kink: Our Story

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