Everybody and their mother is saying you have to spice stuff up in the bedroom nowadays. (“Ewww… Mom, stop!”)
But just because everyone is saying something, it doesn’t mean you should do it. There’s the wisdom of the crowd, and then there’s the herd.
But to me, the question one should always ask is, “Why.” Why should you spice up your sex life?
Well, given the stresses that we’re all under, and how those of us in long-term relationships find that over time the newness fades, leading to us feeling disconnected from our partners, unsatisfied, and like you just want “more” than we’re getting, a little sexual adventurousness could be just the ticket.
Partners are expected to be a hell of a lot nowadays…
In your marriage, you need your partner to not just be a good husband or wife, but also to:
- Be a good parent
- Be a friend
- Be a provider or co-provider
- Give you emotional support
- Hold you accountable
- Keep up the house
- Support your goals
- Support your personal growth
- Fulfill your sexual needs
- And so many other things…
When you have to be all these things to each other, it is easy to lose the connection between the two of you. In the rush of things, time for each other, and time for enjoyable, connecting sex falls off the list.
But if you aren’t feeling connected to your partner, or feeling emotionally or sexually unfulfilled, then improving your sex life can go a long way to improving your overall relationship.
Both men and women need sex. But men seem to feel more of a sense of loss and resentment when they don’t have sex, or the sex isn’t frequent or good enough.
But I believe incredibly strongly that sex is a fundamental part of any healthy marriage. It relieves stress, has meditative and cathartic benefits, and brings a couple closer together, wiping out irritants and hurt feelings… or at least puts you in a state of mind where you can talk about things and even let them go.
There’s no lack of things to try: in popular culture there’s an onslaught on everything from about 50 Shades, cougars, high-end dildos and vibrators, swing parties, Viagra, couples porn, sex furniture, cuckolding, and Cosmo giving tips on anal sex. And that’s just on your first page of search results for Tuna Casserole recipes!
Personally, I’m all for whatever drives your zamboni. Within reason of course: nothing that hurts another person, is non-consensual, or causes mental or emotional trauma to others. But, if you get off on draping yourself in velvet, go for it. (Extra points for those who get the pop culture reference!)
But let’s be realistic: just throwing sexual stuff at a relationship is not going to make it better if you have significant issues.
But if it’s “just” a matter of needing to get out of a rut, reconnect sexually and emotionally, and reigniting your passion for your partner, it’s a great thing to do.
There are two terrific reasons to spice up your sex life. The first is to feel closer. The other is to keep things fresh and new and exciting, which is really important to feeling connected. These are related items. But not the same.
So, are you feeling unfulfilled in your relationship or sex life?
Spice things up! How? Check out the next series, Spicing Things Up.
Embarrassed or afraid to bring up the subject with your partner? See my next post.
Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 1