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My free story on Literotica: Surprise Seduction

December 8, 2018 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

I started writing erotic stories a long time ago, as an outgrowth of my telling hot stories to my wife as foreplay and more.  The first volume of the Bedroom Secrets books consists largely of these stories, written to show the erotic excitement of a monogamous couple.

Over time, my writing expanded to my own fantasies, and those of others, until eventually I found my niche of stories that spanned erotic and educational.  That’s been a lot of fun.

For those who have asked, you can find one of my early fantasy stories Literotica.  This particular story was the fantasy of a friend I made online, and his desire to see his wife seduced by another man.  This was long before I became familiar with the term “cuckolding” or “hotwife,” which is now everywhere.

The story has a lot of themes in it:  cuckolding, D/s, exhibitionism, voyeurism, and some degree of group sex.  It was well-rated on Literotica, although it’s fallen just below the 4.5/5.0 “Hot!” story category over time.  But it’s still as serviceable read.

I hope you enjoy it!

How do I tell her I need more sex? Or how do I tell him I need more sex?

July 29, 2018 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

The most sexy thing about anyone is confidence.  Confidence you know what you want, that you deserve it, and that you are going to get it.

Being confident communicates that you are a high-value person.  No one wants to be with a person who is tentative, who begs, or indirectly maneuvers or manipulates to get what they want.

Yet, in this modern world of negotiated relationships, of putting the other person first, of thinking about their needs, the passion and desire leeches out of our dynamic.

So, if you want more, tell her.  Or tell him.  Use your words.  Your partner is not a mind reader, and if you don’t ask for what you’re not getting, well, you’re sure the hell a lot less likely to get it.

Try it.  “I need more sex.”  Or “I need better sex.”  If you’re afraid of your partner’s likely reaction, play it out in your mind, and how you’ll remain calm and focused.  But you are important.  And you have a right to get the sex you need.  Ask for it.

 

 

From LifeHacker: How to eat ass

February 28, 2018 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

The image alone is worth reposting!

Eating Ass

To recap their article:  Do it because it’s fun and feels really good.  It’s also still taboo, which adds to the thrill!

To prep, make sure your partner bathes thoroughly first.  Then, do your normal foreplay.  But knowing what’s going to happen will add a certain thrill and excitement level.

Then:

Then start to caress their ass. Cup their cheeks in your hands and squeeze. Trace a fingertip along the area where their butt cheeks meet their thighs. You can also kiss and lick along their cheeks. Tease your partner along their butt crack, starting to venture towards the anus but not quite hitting it.

 Remember… build up is a big part of the fun!
They recommend all fours as the best position… but personally I prefer my partner on her back, so I can see all her goodies at the same time.
They talk about safe sex and the importance of lubrication.  Word!  Oh, and DON’T lick from anus to v-jay.  Although I think if you’re clean, it’s less of an issue, although you should probably avoid vaginal penetration with the same fingers.
Then, the key advice:

…work your tongue around the anus. Going in circles is the easiest technique. You can adjust the diameter of your circles, moving farther apart and then closer together. Or try doing figure-eights, crossing over the anus itself.

If you and your partner are enjoying your rimming adventure, try squeezing their cheeks and pulling them wider apart. This will expose even more area for you to work with, and feels great for your partner.

The finish up with exploring other parts of bodies, too, including a guy’s perenium and testicles.  Although for some reason they don’t mention the prostate.  I guess that’s another post.
Here’s a link to the full post from LifeHacker.
Enjoy!

 

 

https://lifehacker.com/how-to-eat-ass-1820805658

Free Short Story: Almost Getting Lucky Freshman Year [NSFW] [MF] [Funny] [Whoops!] [Long]

January 4, 2018 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Watching Superbad with my teen boys the other night, I held my tongue when the drunk girl who was about to have sex with Michael Cera’s character instead threw up all over him.

I had pretty much exactly the same thing happen to me my Freshman year of college.

No teen wants to be scarred by hearing a parent tell a sex story, so, lucky Redditors, you get the story. You already know the punchline. But it gets even better.

For those who want to skip to the sexy parts, you can skip down to the [GOOD STUFF HERE] section. But I’ll share that this is one story that does not end with a bang. Well, there’s an explosion, but unfortunately, it’s not orgasmic.

Here’s a pic that’s the closest I could find to what the gal in the story looked like at the time: Lara


To set the scene, I came to college as an outgoing, friendly, lean, short, and pretty smart nice guy. I quickly made lots of friends and pledged a fraternity (not healthy for my GPA), and wound up making friends in my dorm and outside who I’m still close with 30+ years later.

I actually did okay with girls after I settled in, and especially I got elected as an officer of my frat before the end of Freshman year. But I’d only had sex once (which is another and horrifying story for another time) before coming to college, so I was more than game for making the second time happen. Oh, did I say “game”? Of that, I had none. I just tried being nice to everyone. Oddly enough, that often worked for me as time went on, as I took a leadership role in everything pretty quickly and was the guy organizing things on our dorm floor and in the student groups I joined. Being perceived as a leader gives ya some wiggle room if you aren’t tall, wealthy, fashionable or any of those other things that make a person conventionally attractive. But later, as a sophomore and junior more than one guy got pissed at me for how much action I was getting compared to them. They couldn’t figure it out. But I just mention it here as so many guys lately seem to be moaning about how you can’t get a girl if you aren’t 6/6/6. Well, I did okay. You just have to work with your strengths, and not bitch and moan in my opinion. But I digress.

Now, growing up, I was raised by a divorced, ultra-feminist alcoholic single mom. Some of my earlier memories are marching with her for women’s rights and the Equal Rights Amendment, and being the only boy in communal pot luck NOW planning sessions. I mention this because it shows I was a non-player guy, which might be good for some here to hear. I also never watched or played sports, and when I was pledging, more than one of the brothers said they thought I was gay until they got to know me better. This didn’t bother me… and actually is a testament to the group of guys in mid-80’s frat-dom, who were fine pledging a guy they thought might be gay. It was also funny that afterwards about every tenth guy did actually turn out to be gay, coming out after college. There was a lot of secretive stuff going on late night behind closed doors I guess. Then we also had some boarders to fill empty spots, and it was like a gay man magnet… for mid-80s gay guys, I think living in a frat house was like a wet dream. And no one really cared, and I just politely passed on going up to their room for a smoke, drink or whatever else they might have in mind.

Anyway, back to Freshman year, I had two roommates. One was a big Navy ROTC guy who was never there, mostly hanging out with his ROTC buddies, and another tall guy named Mike who had come out of military school and was a stoic manly-man who I liked well enough but with whom had nothing in common. He wound up dropping out after Freshman year and enlisting, and I understand then put 20 years in as a State Trooper afterwards. He comes back into the story later, thus my description of him.

I think it was near the end of my first semester, with exams finishing, and I’d been initiated and was coming back from some fraternity booze fest, probably not just half-lit, but fully lit. After stumbling off the elevator to our floor, I went from dorm room to dorm room as one did in those days, saying hi, chatting people up, just socializing. Then I found a girl I liked who was in one of the corner quad rooms. Given the distance of time and therefore anonymity, I’ll even use her real name: Lara. Now, Lara was a firecracker, exactly the kind of girl I liked. First, she was short, probably about 4’10”. I’m only 5’ 7”, so I find myself naturally attracted to short gals, and even get a bit of a rush when I look down at them. And she also had the other part of the equation that I liked: she was curvy as hell. Big boobs, big round butt, and an hourglass figure with a soft belly. I’ve never minded girls with extra padding, which is probably why I did better than most at hooking up: most other guys were focused on the tall, athletic girls. But I generally found the girls with strong personalities more attractive. And boy, did Lara have a personality. Most would say she was an out-and-out bitch, and that was fine with me. I liked the challenge.

To describe her more, Lara was cute as hell. Dark hair cut in a bob with bangs, dark eyes, round cheeks, full lips and a bit of a largish but bobbed nose. She was also loud, assertive, demanding, and just had this attractive spark of confidence. I seem to recall that she had –or had had until recently—a long-distance boyfriend, but memory fails me. Not that it mattered that night. In the distance of time passed, it may be that she had broken up with or was pissed at her boyfriend, who I suspect was the typical asshole that girls tend to like. Me being the opposite and her possibly on the rebound or angry at him, I might have been more attractive than usual.

Now, this was the era of the drinking age being 18, and drinking was allowed in the dorms. It was likely I’d had 8 or 10 beers, but I wound up hanging out with her in the doorway to the closet where she had moved her bed, and had found a fresh beer somewhere. She, I recall, had wine… maybe Boone’s Farm or a California Cooler… it was that era. And we’re talking and talking and getting more friendly and close, and her roommates kick us out because they want to go to sleep.

So, we wind up walking down the hallway to my room, and we sit in the carpeted hallway outside my dorm room for a while, talking and drinking more. We would have gone in, but my military school roommate was in there, trying to sleep, so I had us sit outside.

I have no idea what we talked about, but I’m chatty, and I tend to get into deep stuff pretty quickly… at least with girls. We were definitely connecting.

It’s all vague, but a few things from that night are still clear in my memory even after all this time, starting with the moment where Lara looks right at me from where she’s sitting on my left, leaning against the wall as I face her cross-legged, and says, “Show me your bed.”

Uh. Okay! It seems now as if was kind of a weird way to put it, but that’s kind of how things worked out in the dorms. People moved bed into closets, study nooks, built walls of milk crates around them if they were to slow to get a good spot… anything for some privacy. So, it wasn’t a weird question. And stupid me, I kind of thought the odds were she just wanted to see my bed. Haha… yeah, I was a bit naïve. Consider it charming if you would.

[Good Stuff Starts here]

So, we stumble in, no doubt waking up Mike, my roommate. We are both drunk as hell, and my bed was in the closet that connected the main room and the bathroom. I was wedged in there, but had a bit of privacy, and had hung an Elvis tapestry as sort of a fourth wall facing the bathroom. I shut the door to try to keep it quiet for Mike, lit some candles for us (Jesus, that was stupid in retrospect… I was using cardboard boxes as side tables… total fire hazard!), and she looked around my little area and posters I’d hung up, and she liked it. I seem to recall I had a foreign flag I’d stolen from somewhere, some sort of communist propaganda poster I’d found, can’t even remember what else. But it passed muster enough. On the other side of the wall my roommate was nominally asleep in the main room, but I’ll admit, my roommate was something I had put out of my mind, having other, pressing matters to focus on.

In no time we went from talking to kissing, and she felt good in my arms and then across my lap, and really, really interested. Our tongues twirled as we kissed open-mouthed, and I remember tracing her ear with my tongue, and then kissing behind her ear to below her earlobe, then down her neck. Her skin was hot and smooth, without a blemish, and oddly I remember she had a stud earring that I sucked on as brought her entire earlobe into my mouth, as she moaned and sighed in response.

I’m sure from a distance it was classic drunk, sloppy hookup sex that’s pretty common on every college campus. But at the time there was nothing else in the world but this sexy, beautiful girl who was into me and what I was doing to her. My hands traveled over her entire body, and I found and felt her large breasts over the fabric of her loose 80s sweater, and then up under the knit fabric where I found her underwired bra and explored her breasts, slipping my fingers beneath the silky cups as we kissed, finding her nipples rock hard and sensitive as I touched them with my fingertips.

It was a very tight space for two people, and I vaguely remember struggling to get her sweater off, but we worked it out with me winding up laying on my bed, head on my pillow, with her on her knees sitting on my hips as we ground into her and her sweater came off. She leaned forward and kissed me, as I –predictably—struggled to figure out the bra hooks from below. We kissed chaotically, and her hair hung in my face as we did. But she soon solved the bra hook problem for me by sitting up and reaching behind her and undoing her bra and shrugging it off.

Her breasts were everything I hoped they would be as they popped out. Large and barely contained by what were probably C or D cups, her nips were what I’d consider small now, sharp and hard on large, oval shaped nipples that covered the ends of her heavy, pendulous breasts. She was a short gal with a thick frame, and there’s something about such large tits on a smaller body that really gets me hard, even now 30 years later thinking about it.

My mouth soon was filled with her nipples as I squeezed her breasts, and she actually used both hands to press her breasts together so I could lick and suck both nipples at once.

Things were going swimmingly, and the whole time my brain was chanting, “This is going to happen. This is going to happen.” And it was!

More making out, and my hands moved to her ass, covered by her pants, which weren’t jeans but some sort of kahki or something, my brain fails me. But she was wiggling and grinding into me and my erection as I felt her up, and then when I moved my hands to her front, she sat right up so that I could undo the button at her waist and undo her zipper for me. Meanwhile, I had my hands on her breasts, looking up at her, rolling her nipples between my thumb and the side of my forefinger, and just generally enjoying myself.

Her pants undone, I slid the fingers of one hand below her navel and down her pelvis and felt the elastic of her underwear on the back of my fingers. I pushed my fingers further down, and felt the bush of her pubic hair and then, then even better the cleft of her pussy. I pushed even further down, my hand constrained by the tight fabric at the crotch of her pants, and finally felt just the soft swell of her vaginal lips on the very tip of my middle finger. Giiven our rather awkward angle, I couldn’t go any further with her pants on.

She moaned breathily as I touched her, and I put the thumb of my other hand into the waist of her pants and underwear, starting to tug down.

“Wait a moment…” she said, as she started to rise to help me get her pants off, putting one hand down next to my head as she started to raise herself up.

Then, suddenly:

“Uh oh.”

I was confused. “What?”

I didn’t have to wait long to find out what, “uh oh” meant.

A moment later, lovely, sexy, half-naked Lara was throwing up.

And not just throwing up, but throwing up on my bed, and on my pillow… but mostly on me. She managed to avoid my face, but got my chest and arms real well, and to either side of me. It was everywhere. Not her fault of course, but something in the way she moved to lean over me to get her pants off was the feather-light touch needed to get her hurling.

There was nowhere to go, and she was sitting on me, so I guess I just cringed off to my left to try to avoid the worst of it.

Then, for a few moments, there was absolute silence.

Until, explosively, came booming, howling laughter from my roommate on the other side of the wall. “Oh my GOD! This is great! I gotta tell everyone about this!” And he got up and I heard him race out of the room to find someone to tell.

Another moment of silence, then, “I am so sorry,” Lara mumbled.

As often happens in situations like this, Lara was suddenly incapacitated. I don’t remember her being any more drunk than I was, but she was just about completely down for the count now.

I somehow got us disentangled, and I vaguely remember getting both of us cleaned up. I must have thrown the sheets and stuff in the washer at some point, as I certainly couldn’t have slept in it. I really have no idea of those details anymore, but I do recall finding vomit all over everything in my little area for months to come.

Her clothes came through it mostly unscathed though, and I got her dressed, and half-carried her back to her room, all the while as she apologized and slurred over and over how horrified she was, and how embarrassed she was. I’m guessing it was maybe three in the morning at that point, but who knows. My roommate was gone, I had no idea where, and there was no one in the dorm hallway, it was just us. Thankfully.

I do recall clearly, though, telling her to not to be embarrassed, it could happen to everyone. And I remember getting her to her room and into her bed, then making her drink a ton of water and take a couple aspirin, trying not to wake up her roommates.

My last memory of her is looking up at me from her bed, her face lit up from some indirect light, as she continued on apologizing and saying how embarrassed she was. And I looked down at her from where I sat by her on the side of her bed, took her chin in my fingers, and spoke about as firmly to her as I’d ever spoken to anyone. “Stop. It happened, it’s no big deal, and I’m not bent out of shape. Tomorrow, when you see me, look me right in the eye, and pretend nothing happened. You have nothing to be embarrassed about.”

I’ll also admit, since as I wrote that it sounds gallant, that I was mostly hoping for a do-over again as soon as possible as I said it.

And with that, I left and went back to my room, and presumably slept on a bare mattress.

The epilogue to the story is that, to my disappointment, she took my direction a little too well to heart. When I said to “pretend nothing happened,” I meant, “pretend you didn’t throw up.” She, instead, took it a couple steps further and pretended the whole night never happened. I did try to strike something up with her a couple times after that, but she acted as if we didn’t know each other. Whatever bonding we had shared from our talking and projectile vomiting experience was not enough to make her acknowledge that I was more than some stranger who she sorta recognized. Perhaps she was too embarrassed to face me, or she just wasn’t interested beyond the alcohol pushing her over the edge into a one night stand with the first guy who was handy. Who knows, but I wish her well.

As a further epilogue, my roommate couldn’t find anyone awake on our floor, so went down to another friend’s room and wound up sleeping there, figuring it’d be loud as I cleaned up and he didn’t want to have to smell puke all night. He told folks on our floor what had happened and I got some shit for it, but mostly people were more interested in the fact that there was now evidence I wasn’t gay, apparently. And I don’t recall anything negative happening for Lara from it; either my roommate didn’t know who I brought in so didn’t say who it was, or more likely everyone everywhere was lit and it was just a blip on a sea of alcohol-fueled debauchery that made up Freshman year in 1985.

So, that’s my story, with appreciation to Superbad.

My sex life since has had ups and downs. College was great, then losing my hair and falling into depression led to a long dry spell. Coming through depression I had my first real relationship with a totally crazy gal, which was a ton of fun but lots of drama. But after that I met my wife, and we’ve been married for 20+ years.

I always wanted a marriage of equals, but found that a lot of the things I was taught about what male-female relationships should be turned out to be… optimistic. As a result, my gal and I have found a really good outlet to keep the spark alive and manage our male-female dynamic through D/s roleplay in the bedroom. I can share some of those stories another time. We’ve come a long way, baby!

New Book on Amazon: Absolution

January 3, 2018 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

She thought she had it all: a great husband, a great family and a great life steeped in the church. But competitive Maggie realizes that she’s missing something in her marriage and her sex life that other women seem to have. Fearful of her husband’s reaction and falling into sin, she represses her urges, growing increasingly frustrated and angry with her man for not giving her the intimacy and sexual connection she craves. Will Maggie find a way open up to her straight-laced husband and find a way to quench her raging desires?

The Bedroom Secrets Series shares stories of couples just like you embracing their fantasies and experiencing the intimacy of shared sexual adventures. Both erotic and educational, the stories are something one partner can point to, saying, “This is what I want, that I couldn’t put words to!”

Find my new book at:  http://bit.ly/absolution_erotica.

Safe flogging techniques – with Pirate Roleplay. Arrr!

October 4, 2017 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Flogging is fun, and like anything worth doing, takes a bit of practice and experience to do well.

Here’s a fun little educational video from Tiger Lee and Dead Red at PirateFashions.com.

Enjoy!

How to Use a Flogger

Am I cheating? What crosses the line into cheating?

August 16, 2017 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Someone asked, “In a dry spell in our relationship, I’m 100% loyal but need a way of dealing with my sex drive which is much higher than my partners, what are some tips you can give?”

 

Well, I’ve been in this same situation, and have thought about it a lot. A whole lot.
TLDR: Talk with your partner, be honest, and decide together what’s okay, what’s cheating, and what will be a betrayal that ends your marriage.

Cheating
“Cheating” by Newtown grafitti is licensed under CC BY 2.0

My wife had health issues that sucked, and wiped out her libido for years. We are monogamous, and I will not cheat. She was always fine with me masturbating, and I did it a lot. But it wasn’t enough. One gets bored, and goes a bit crazy. My actions as I tried to address this did cause real issues in our marriage, including after she got better.
My sincere advice: first, define for yourself what constitutes cheating. Next, ask yourself what you want to do. It’s a sort of a continuum: jerk off, porn, online chats, strip clubs, watching cam models, happy ending massages, live sex shows, hookers, a fwb, anonymous hookups, an affair. Decide where you draw the line. For me, it was letting anyone else touch my cock. Then, have a real conversation with her –which could be very, very hard– of what you need, what you’re not getting, and what you want to do.
The conversation might be difficult and emotional, and she may not like it, but the key thing is that you’re being honest. And relationships can recover from infidelity, but less likely dishonesty.
For us, I fucked up by deciding by myself what was okay and what wasn’t. I felt virtuous because I wasn’t cheating on her, despite my sex starvation. But I was afraid of the conflict, and hurting her, and probably also her possible objections. In fairness to myself, she was defensive and fragile. But that doesn’t excuse my actions.
I consider myself an honest person, and I never hid my porn use, usually sitting next to her on the couch while I watched xhamster or chatted on Literotica or FetLife.
Anyway… I always thought of cam models as just live amateur porn. Didn’t watch a lot, but when she was better I suggested we watch together. She felt shocked I had been interacting 1:1, and felt betrayed, totally felt it was cheating. I still don’t. We disagreed, as people will. But if we had spoken ahead of time, I could have prevented a real crisis in our marriage. Maybe I could have even said I disagree, and I’m doing it anyway. But it became me cheating on her behind her back.
Had other fuck ups as well. But the key thing is to use your words. And come to an agreement. And you may have to have multiple conversations. But if you want to stay married, you have to stay honest. And if you’re going to be frustrated and resentful, you’re heading for misery and/or divorce anyway. Better to work things out. I’ve been talking to a therapist since, and he says he sees this all the time, and has seen couples even negotiate open marriages, or marriages end during discussions. But when there’s lying, they always end.
Comment below if you have thoughts or want to discuss:  I’m always happy to share my hard-earned wisdom of what NOT to do. 😀

How do I help my wife get comfortable with her body?

August 14, 2017 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

My gal and I just went to the nude beach!

She’s a good sport, but definitely had some BIGTIME nervousness about it.

Not because she’s a prude.  She’s comfortable with nudity.

Not because she’s afraid of people looking at her.  For one thing she doesn’t think anyone would be interested, for another, because we wound up pretty much sitting in the gay section.

Basically, she just doesn’t feel good about how she looks, and it makes her feel bad.

This, in turn, makes me sad.  I think she looks beautiful, and sexy, and I had hoped she’d find the experience empowering and fun.

The good news is that she did enjoy it, after she got over the nervousness of doing something new.  And the weather turned out great. She even admitted she had a nice day.

But she also said it didn’t do anything for her.

For me, I just enjoyed the exhilaration of being naked. It’s so much fun. And I like people watching, and to be honest, would also like to make some open-minded friends, even though we aren’t swingers and never will be.

As we talked about it, the core issue I discerned is that she just doesn’t feel good about how she looks.  And never has.  And for that reason alone, she can’t enjoy the nude beach experience like I do.

So, what to do?

How do I help my wife get comfortable with her body?

I found a great blog post that I think had some good advice if you find yourself in a similar situation:  Tell her she’s beautiful, tell her how her being naked is something you desire and enjoy, give her time to prepare, focus on her and not her girly parts, watch your words and don’t talk about other women.  Sound advice.  Not a quick fix, but good stuff.

Is it *desire* that turns women on the most? Yes! Being desired turns women on.

March 17, 2015 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

If you haven’t come across Pamela Madsen yet, she’s a popular –if somewhat controversial– sex coach and author. Her book, “Shameless,” is a great read, although her personal solution of a submissive relationship outside her long-term vanilla marriage isn’t an option that I think is viable for most of us.

But I admire her passion and bravery, and her writings are usually worth reading. Her latest article in the Huffington Post is particularly good. In this article, she talks about “Female Responsive Desire.”

Couple embracing
www.matchstrikemedia.com – licensed from istockphoto.

Being Desired Turns Women On

The gist is that that many women –perhaps even a majority– find the focused desire of their pursuer a huge turn-on… and when that desire goes away, so does their sex drive. To quote her article:

For women who have responsive sexual desire (which is an extraordinarily large number), it can be really important that they feel sexually desired. If the woman doesn’t feel the desire, she will probably not be inspired to have sex. This is why so many people are addicted to what is known as “New Relationship Energy.” They need to feel hot desire and the game of pursuit to access their full erotic turn on. It’s amazing how quickly a steamy love affair can fade with a woman who has responsive sexual desire, when she feels the hot desire from her lover turn to warm desire .

Women with responsive sexual desire really want you to want them and require erotic stimulation in order to first feel arousal then desire for sex. I think that’s why so many women love to read romantic novels.

This just makes a huge amount of sense. As do her suggestions that the best way to turn on this kind of woman is to shower her with attention in all kinds of ways, including making it clear you desire her sexually.

Roleplay: Permission to act like a slut… and permission to treat her like a slut

March 9, 2015 by Edward Ryan 4 Comments

This is a 2010 post from my old blog; I’m reposting it here since it’s relevant to a conversation on a thread in the FetLIfe Just in the Bedroom group.

There are plenty of articles out there about how roleplay and D/s gives one “permission” to be slut.

However, it occurred to me the other day during our ‘play date’ that the same thing is true for the person who is in the dominant role.

Roleplay gives me permission to treat her like a slut… which I’d never do in real life.

By assuming our roles, it gives me permission to treat her like a slut, a whore, or as she likes to be called, “my dirty fuck hole.”

In our day-to-day lives, I’d never, ever treat her like that, nor even think of her that way. Actually, even as I write this, the idea is a bit horrifying. But, in the bedroom, I give her what she needs by ordering her to strip, pleasure me, assume submissive positions, crawl, be tied, spanked, whatever.

Our bondage play and such really started at her suggestion, although being a happy kinkster I’ve been delighted to accommodate her. But last week as I viewed her on the floor, completely naked on her knees, her forehead touching the floor, her hands out ahead of her, her ass in the air, and her legs spread a bit to give me easy access to her pussy and ass, I realized that the roleplay was giving me permission to actually ask for what I wanted. And what I wanted was this:.Complete and absolute carnality without regard to what she might think of me for asking (no, telling) her to do, or even possibly her own desires and do/don’t list. To some degree, this is objectifying this woman that I love, the mother of my children, by treating her as a vessel for my own sexual desires.

Roleplay
Roleplay

That I’m actually fulfilling her needs has always made our play okay with me intellectually on one level. But it’s only been recently, and I mean, like, in the last 6 months, that I got through some other mental barrier of my own to reach a new level, where I no longer play a role trying to cater to what I’ve been able to figure out around her sexual fantasies and desires, and asking only for what I think she, my wife, will let me do or wants me to do. Now, by adding that element of objectification, I’m separating the person that is my wife from my own desires. I’ve stopped (well, started to stop) worrying about her rejecting what I want and me as a person for asking for it, and am increasingly ordering her more firmly to do what I want her to do. This may seem like a small difference, especially if you’re a novice around D/s, but believe me, it’s not.

The result has been more satisfying roleplay sessions for both of us. It’s become more real, we’re both more invested in the scenes, and even if the scenes still aren’t terribly extreme, they’re more sincere. That in turn means more tension, build-up, release. And if the actual orgasms aren’t quantifiably stronger than the one’s we’ve had for the other 10+ years of our marriage, the cathartic release on other levels is. There are parts of both of us that are getting more nourished I think. Actually, being able to order my wife to get on her knees, reach behind her, and spread her asshole wide for me while I watch is a powerful thing that I was not comfortable doing six months ago. She’s not an object. But now, for a couple blissful hours each month, she is. And she’s delighted to be. It rocks. I am more fulfilled as a result. And by me getting more fulfilled, she’s more fulfilled as well. And that’s how it should be with sexual activity of two people who care about each other, of course.

I still haven’t asked her to do everything I want her to… there’s still lots of things I’m afraid to ask her for. But the day (or morning) is coming when I will. And I’m looking forward to it. And so is she. And if she ever does refuse me, maybe, just maybe, we’ll actually get into me actually really punishing her for the first time during one of our sessions. Which, I know, is one of her deep dark fantasies which I haven’t yet been able to fulfill for her yet, either. But without roleplay, I’m not sure we’d give ourselves and each other permission to fulfill each of our respective needs.

How people discover they want to try bondage: Maggie McNeill’s Story

March 3, 2015 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

How people discover they want to try bondage: Maggie McNeill’s Story

Maggie McNeill writes a provocative and well-reasoned pro-sex blog, The Honest Courtesan: Frank commentary from a retired call girl, that you should check out. She’s honest to a fault, pulls no punches, and is putting out a book of her compiled books soon. Check her out and watch for her book!

Here’s her story for how she discovered her interest in bondage and kinky sex, used with her permission.

…I might as well complete my confessional and admit that I’m terribly turned on by being tied up, and always have been.  In my column of July 28th I mentioned that certain situations on TV made me feel “funny”, but that nobody else seemed affected; that’s because most of those situations involved bondage.  Most people seem able to watch a scene of a woman being tied up without sexual arousal, but not me; watching girls being captured by bandits, carried off by monsters or chained and collared as slaves did it for me as well.  Of course when I was four I had no idea what sex was and could not possibly have connected it to bondage even if I had; the recognition of the “funny feelings” as sexual did not come until I was about 12.  But that didn’t stop me from enjoying the part of the damsel in distress in neighborhood make-believe games; somehow I usually managed to be the girl who was carried off or captured by the bad guys and had to be rescued.  And if I was lucky they had rope handy and would really tie me to a tree or chair!0139.howtotiegirls

By the time I turned 17 I had discovered that if a man held my wrists down during sex it really got me going, so the first time a trusted boyfriend asked if he could tie me up I obviously agreed with great enthusiasm.  That in turn led to blindfolds, gags, handcuffs, dominance and submission games and even spanking and whipping; though pain never really did anything for me, the act of submitting to the whipping was terribly exciting.  In other words, it wasn’t the pain which turned me on but the fact that a man had the power to do it to me.  Though neofeminists deny it, the fact is that most women are sexually aroused to one degree or another by being dominated by a man in a sexual situation; most male-dominant BDSM is an exaggeration of the normal female impulse rather than something completely different, which is why the rape fantasy is still among the most common of female sexual fantasies.  The opposition of neofeminists to BDSM, like their opposition to prostitution, has nothing to do with their self-proclaimed “concern” for women and everything to do with their tired old anti-sex agenda.  Neofeminism treats all non-neofeminist women as imbeciles and denies we have the right to make our own sexual choices when those choices conflict with neofeminist dogma.  This is, of course, done “for our own good”; funny how often that phrase comes up whenever sex is concerned.

I think she’s absolutely right about what arouses a goodly number –but certainly not all!– women. I also like that she says that she’s not turned on by pain. That echoes what my gal and I enjoy, and it’s nice for some to say it so definitively. While “your kink is not my kink and that’s okay,” sometimes I do feel like folks look at you a bit cross-eyed when you say you don’t enjoy what they do. If you want to enjoy bondage, you don’t always need to be into the full alphabet of letters, including “s” and “m”.

She also has some interesting thoughts in the full post on whether bdsm is abuse, which is very timely given the release of the 50 Shades Movie.

Check her out!

Word of the Day: Thighmometer

February 23, 2015 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Thighmometer

/THīˈmämədər/

Your hand between your gal’s legs as you whisper the dirty things you’d like to do to her. Heat and humidity rise with the ideas she likes… some of which she may not be able to ask for and might surprise you.  The thighmometer is a great way to discover her fantasies in a safe way!

Thighmometer
Thighmometer – Creative Commons License – thanks to https://www.flickr.com/photos/kudumomo/2838878054/

To paraphrase Shakira:  The thighs don’t lie!

How About From Now On I Do Whatever You Want?

February 11, 2015 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

How-About-From-Now_On-I-Do_Whatever-You-Want

Spanking Poem: Spanks on Your Can?

February 4, 2015 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Spanks on Your Can

…Would you try it with a brush? / Would you try it on your tush?

 

Spanking poem
Do you need / Spanks on your can?

Marriage Benefits

February 4, 2015 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Marriage Benefits

In my last post, I shared stories of the bad marriage of my alcoholic parents and step-parents, and how that not only didn’t turn me off marriage, but provided me with hard-won answers to what I wanted in my own life and relationships.

I spent Christmases alone in Atlantic City. I was starved for connection and family. I wanted, needed someone to love, to love me, to care about, to make a good life with. To cure my loneliness.

I wanted someone who could be my partner, who could be honest, who I could have kids with. I wanted someone to care about, and to care about me. Who put the same emphasis on family, and on helping and wanting the best for each other and our kids.

I came to the conclusion that family is everything, and why we’re here. I reasoned that if everyone decided to not have kids, then the world stops, at least as far as humanity is concerned. So we must be here to bring the next generation in the world, raise them, love them, and hopefully leave the world a better place with the legacy our kids represent. And I wanted to give these kids the love I felt that I had missed out myself.

Bride and Groom
Photo used with permission – freeimages.com / tonyr

Not being raised with any religious instruction except my father’s contemptuous dismissal of all religions as stupid, I had had no moral or cultural basis to help me as I struggled in my hard times, at least partial answers that might have provided values of right and wrong and why we were given life at all. I struggled, and as I came through my struggles I decided that even though I was an honest agnostic, I wanted to give my kids that background, so they had a starting point should they hit their own challenges.

Once I knew what I was looking for, I found the woman I was looking for. It’s been twenty years we’ve been together, and I still remember the moment I laid eyes on her the first time. She accepted me as I was, for who I was, and we spent months talking as friends and really getting to know each other before we had our first date. We both knew when we started dating that we would eventually marry.

Marriage is on the decline nowadays. And for good reasons. I would never wish anyone into marriages like my parents had.

But I would encourage everyone to consider marriage. Consider why you’re on earth, what’s important, and what happiness is. And be realistic about where your priorities are and why you want someone to share your life with in this all-too-brief time we’ve been gifted.

I have come to believe passionately that the quality of one’s life is ultimately judged by the quality of the relationships during your life. Did you love, were you loved, did you nurture, help, and leave the world a better place than you found it? Did you leave happiness and compassion? If you did these things, then ultimately, your life was happy, and I defy anyone to say it wasn’t. My parents, in contrast, all died bitter, angry and alone.

Everyone has to find their own definition of happiness, of course. And of course life is more than just raising kids and having a good marriage: there is meaning and value in careers, education, art, conservation and endless other things. But I personally struggle to say that Titans of Industry who changed the world have lived a fully meaningful and happy life if they left behind divorced spouses and alienated children. Aristotle said that happiness is meaningful work. I can’t think of any more meaningful work than raising kids, loving them, and being loved by them. And the best way to prepare your children for the future and raising happy kids is to have two parents, united by a commitment to raise those kids well. That commitment is marriage.

If marriage isn’t for you, that’s fine. I’m not judging, and there are many understandable and valid reasons to not marry, or to divorce. But it feels like increasingly people look down upon those of who commit to marriage. My purpose here is to tell people why I think marriage is still relevant, important, and the right choice for some.

Marriage Takes Work. But It’s Worth It.

I’ve always looked forward to growing old with my wife. Living our days, raising our family, overcoming challenges, encouraging each other to grow while still being our own persons, celebrating our victories, commiserating in our setbacks, and always finding love for each other as a couple committed to each other and our family.

I am never alone. I always know that she is there for me, as I am there for her.

Some days are hard, of course. We fight. Feelings get hurt. At times I’ve been a jerk, done things that were shitty or selfish. But we’ve always worked things out, and I’ve learned to grow as a person. Her happiness is so important to me, more important than doing what I want, when I want. And that’s true in reverse as well. I sacrifice and give up my freedom for a larger purpose, as she sacrifices and gives up her own freedom for me, us and our kids, and our shared purpose and commitment to each other.

I’ve never regretted being married once.

Why Marry?

January 29, 2015 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

My parents divorced when I was five, shortly after my mom threatened to shoot my dad in the head while he slept. She had playfully hidden his Browning somewhere in the house, and the cop used my bawling preschooler self to convince her to reveal where she hid the gun. My dad declined to press charges, but soon the brilliant idea of divorcing was enthusiastically embraced by all adults involved.

Both remarried, and both divorced again. I once asked my dad why he married my mom in the first place, and he explained that when they grew up, it was just expected. So they did, in 1961.

Today, they wouldn’t have married. Hell, with birth control, I wouldn’t have been born.

Wedding Rings
Used with permission of freeimages.com / theswedish

My mom continued to beat her depression into nightly senselessness with Gilbey’s Gin, although after my dad left she’d wait to start drinking until after she returned from her crappy secretarial job. This was an improvement over the previous model, where she’d start drinking in the morning and usually be passed out by the time my dad returned home from a long day of cheating on her with his secretary.

My mom died of slow suicide from alcoholism at 61. My dad, an angry misogynistic atheist, would trail my mom to a slow and depressing death about ten years later, fifteen years after I had married myself.

You’d think I’d be down on marriage. But I’m not.

Being Married is the Best Thing I’ve Ever Done

My parents were great examples: great examples of what not to do. From them I learned that you have to deal with your issues. You have to communicate, and talk, and admit the truth. You have to put aside your own emotions, and commit to something bigger than yourself. You have to know why you’re together, commit to each other, and be a team. And you have to make your kids a priority.

Growing up, I lived in a very small world. No community. No religious identity. No extended family. No brothers or sisters. My parents put their needs and wants ahead of mine, and mostly I was expected to stay out of the way. When my stepfather came into the equation, a terrifying but ultimately decent man who was scarred by a childhood of physical abuse and two combat tours in Vietnam, my own life went from negligence to life-threatening fear of his alcoholic rages. Beatings and then the simple threat of beatings turned me into an A student. When I left for college he told me that he’d pay my tuition, but it was his house now, and I wasn’t welcome back. That was hard. What little connection I had to anything were cut. My mom also went back to drinking hard, and the liver failures that would ultimately kill her started soon after.

I went to a good college, but had trouble opening up to people and forming relationships, romantic or otherwise. I feared the pain of rejection, particularly after my affluent college friends told me they knew I was making up stories about my family to get sympathy. For years I shut down talking about my family and the pain. I was alone, and experienced building isolation after college. I drifted, unconnected to anyone or anything, unable to find purpose and meaning in life, and I fell deeper and deeper into untreated depression.

Somehow I survived my hard times, and came to a few hard-won conclusions about life and why we’re here, and most especially the importance of honest relationships and answers to the question of, “Why marry?”

Next Post: Marriage Benefits

My mom thinks we’re just on a “romantic” weekend away

January 27, 2015 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

My mom thinks we’re just on a romantic weekend away

This sounds familiar!
This sounds familiar!

We need to get away more often!

Hide Your Sex Toys!

January 26, 2015 by Edward Ryan 2 Comments

Where do you hide your sex toys?

Maybe you’re a parent, or someone with nosy parents or visitors. Some people don’t mind being “outed” or having other people know what you’re up to in the bedroom. But most of us want to keep it to ourselves. People do judge you. And people talk. And opinions vary, but I personally don’t want our kids to have to think about what their parents do in the bedroom, especially when it gets into bondage stuff. Having had very indiscreet parents, I know from personal experience it’s a burden, especially if other kids see –and steal—the Polaroids. <shudder>

There are two ways to keep things secure. Either hide it, or lock it up. I prefer both. Much crime takes place if someone has the opportunity and notices a good target. The same goes for snooping: as a kid, I was always on the lookout for something I shouldn’t know about.

Ultimately, you want your stuff both secure and accessible. If it takes you five minutes to haul things out, that can derail the mood!

Here are the best ways I’ve found to hide your sex toys:

  • A locked suitcase. Suitcases really shouldn’t raise questions.
    1. Use a small word lock so you don’t have to futz with hiding the key.
    2. If you do decide to use a keyed lock, use a key safe like realtors use to keep keys safe.
      1. Keys on rings can be quickly borrowed if you leave them around
      2. Keys also take time to get from their hiding place
  • A locked footlocker. (If you can find a place for it!)
  • A locked filing cabinet.
  • A locking under-the-bed box. This is a cool and fairly new product, but does have the disadvantage of being keyed. Still, I put an affiliate link in for you, I would buy this!
  • A hotel safe with keypad.
    1. We lifted up our box spring and put it under the bed, it fit perfectly, and I can quickly enter the keypad code and retrieve whatever I want out of it quickly.
    2. I’ve put my affiliate link in above. I highly recommend this option!
  • Pillow storage
    1. This is the idea of “hiding in plain sight.” But it has the disadvantage of not being lockable, and someone noticing the pillow is heavy and has something in it.
  • Garment bag
    1. You can adapt a garment bag to hang things in it. Some garment bag suitcases can even be locked.
  • Shoe boxes in the closet. These are less secure, but if you’re less concerned about snooping, can be used.
  • On top of armoires or other tall places. You can place things out of view, even a lockbox. But this can be hard to get to.
  • In a wall safe
    1. A wall safe can be installed pretty easily with a drywall saw and screwdriver, fitting in between wall studs. But they can be small.
    2. Storage capacity can also be small. But this can be a great option.
  • Secret compartment
    1. My solution was to build my own large locking secret compartment in my closet. It is invisible and I’ve had it there for ten years, and the kids still haven’t found it.
    2. Using a drywall saw, I cut out a section of drywall on the closet wall, with studs on either side and one in the middle.
    3. The whole space between the wall is now available for storage. I can store long things down to the floor.
    4. Then, I cut a piece of heavy fiber board to match.
    5. I drilled two holes for locks.
    6. I cut down a piano hinge to fit along the edge, and affixed it to the stud.
    7. I painted the drywall to match.
    8. The top gap I hid with a tie rack, and the ties hang down and hide one of the vertical gaps.
    9. The bottom gap was hidden by a strip of wood that looks like a shelf had been there.
    10. The other gap is hidden by a hanging robe.

Hidden Compartment 1

Hidden Compartment 2

I have used all of these different approaches, but now mostly go with the under-the-bed keypad safe for quick-access stuff, the locked suitcase for stuff we use much less frequently. The secret compartment wound up being a little too inconvenient for quick use with the keyed locks, so I just keep a few things we use very rarely in there. Ask me nicely in an email, and I’ll tell you what that stuff might be. 🙂

How about you? What great ideas do you have for hiding your stuff and keeping it secure from prying eyes? I’d love to know!

How Do I Get My Husband to Dominate Me?

January 23, 2015 by Edward Ryan 58 Comments

How do you get your nice-guy husband to tie you and spank you?*

More than that, how do you get him to do it well?

How Do I Get My Husband to Dominate Me?

It’s a very common question… and issue. Many people aren’t comfortable with sexually dominating another, particularly in gender-equal marriages and when there are issues with values or discomfort with any kind of off-the-beaten-path sexual stuff at all.

Also, let’s talk about power dynamics. Over recent decades most women have moved out of subordinate roles, with their own careers and needing to perform in this competitive world. This can be exhausting, and increasingly many women the idea of taking a subordinate role in the bedroom and “letting someone else be in charge of your shit,” as Rhianna said. Submission can be very desirable and exciting, particularly when it’s not something that the same woman would want any other time, but still finds that dominant vibe exciting in bed.

But men have been taught being that dominant jerk isn’t cool anymore. And men are depressingly consistent; we act the same way everywhere, including in the bedroom. Perhaps we do it for the right reasons, but it you’re a gal that wants her hair pulled and ass slapped by your man, who wants him to take the lead and take what he wants at such times, getting him to mentally switch gears can be really, really hard.

Can You Talk About Your Sexual Desires or Watch Movies Together?

You might talk about it, watch movies, read books from the Sexuality Section of the book store and tell him what you want… but these things don’t do a good job really telling him what you want him to do. So the question remains, how do I get my husband to dominate me?

For some couples, talking and exploring together works great, particularly if both people are good communicators and have a natural affinity for the desired roles, and also don’t have some of the common sexual hang-ups like shame and fear of revealing one’s true sexual desires.

One Successful Way to Help Him Understand How You Want to be Dominated

For those who don’t communicate quite so well –which is most of us–,one of the more successful approaches is for the submissive to take on the role she wants to play as if he were really dominating her, and show him what shes want, as if she had just received an order, keeping up a verbal monologue of what she’s imagining he had just ordered her to do, and doing things like lay over his lap and saying things like “Now you’re going to spank me, sir? Please, no, I’ve been a very good girl! You’re going to spank me ten times with your hand? Ooooo….” He’ll get the idea, and as his comfort levels rise, he can start initiating things the way you want… and he wants. Especially if he knows you’re really into it.

We guys worry that we’ll cross the line, and we really don’t want to do that, especially since some of this stuff plays along–and crosses—the line of how we firmly believe women should be treated the rest of the time. For example, I know one woman in particular who like being called “slut” in the bedroom in scenes like this. And I’ll do it, and it makes her hot. But call her that at the wrong time, and it can really hurt feelings. Heck, at times I’ve said that at the wrong time, when she wasn’t fully into the scene… and it hurt. Geez.

The Best Way to Help Him Understand How You Want to be Dominated

For some of us, the biggest challenge has been moving beyond the play scenes, and getting into something more real, even if just in the bedroom. Taking on that dominant role where the gal doesn’t feel that he’s doing it because that’s what she wants, but because he wants to. It’s a really hard thing to explain, so I wrote an erotic book about a couple struggling with this issue and how they finally figured things out after years of butting heads called The Night He ‘Got’ It. You can check it out in my Amazon bookstore. I’d of course appreciate your buying my books, and if possible leaving positive reviews!

*July 2016 Note:  The book is relaunched!

*Note: I’ve written with the point of a view of heterosexual couple with the female partner wanting to explore the submissive role. These roles can certainly be reversed, and everything applies to other types of couples as well. I am writing from this point of view because my audience tends to be heterosexual women in monogamous relationships.

Want Passion Better than a Romance Novel?

January 18, 2015 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Make your sex life better than a romance novel

Romance novels are fantasies of a regular girl getting the man of her –and most women’s—dreams.  They aren’t realistic, but fun escape reading that scratches an itch for emotional intimacy and the thrill of the chase, concluding with a happy ending.  Who doesn’t like that?

But they also aren’t much of a roadmap for how to find your life partner.  Not that the male equivalent of Budweiser commercials and porn is better in any way.

As men and women we are struggling in our relationships.  Divorce –if we even marry at all— afflicts 50%+ of marriages, and of those who don’t divorce, how many can say they are really happy?  In some cases, it’s those who have no expectations of happiness who stay married

So, if you’re the average gal on the street, and you have unrealistic expectations of happiness in your marriage or other relationship, what do you do?  Is consoling yourself with romance novels and the new episode of The Bachelor enough?

It can be.  But you deserve more.  I don’t even know you, of course… but everyone deserves more, men and women alike.

We all need to realize that the mass media depiction of romance and relationships is not realistic.  For anyone.

But, instead of settling for less, why not shoot for more?

Instead of thinking of yourself as a romance novel character, waiting for sudden true love, embrace the fact that you are imperfect and so is your likely partner.

And also embrace that you are probably already in some sort of existing, imperfect relationship.  Maybe you’ve been married or paired for years or decades, and you even have kids.  Maybe you keep feeling, “There has to be more than this… I want more.” And you’ve given up on that more.

If that’s the case, cast yourself as the heroine (or hero) of your own story… where two people together for a long time reignite the passion of their relationship… and passion is completely intertwined with passionate sex.

If that’s not a romance, I don’t know what is.

Want to get started?  Here are a few kickoff points to get going!

  • Want your man to be more dominant in the bedroom?  Get my erotic story on about a realistic couple like you battling things out until he finally gets it.
  • Want to spice things up in the bedroom?  Check out my series of 12 posts on why people like the spicy stuff… and what that spicy stuff is!
  • Not sure how to even talk to your partner about reinvigorating your relationship?

Get to it… make your life better than a romance novel!

Interesting history of the Speculum from the Atlantic

January 8, 2015 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Wow!

  • Slavery.
  • Second-wave feminism.
  • Gravy Ladles.
  • Patriarchal male doctors wresting childbirth from female midwives.
  • Leeches!
  • Change-resistant doctors!
  • Hitler! (Okay, he comes up in the comments, not the main story.)
  • And more!

They should turn this into a musical!

Why No One Can Design a Better Speculum

Keeping Your Kink Closeted

January 7, 2015 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Are you keeping Kink closeted; just between yourselves?

Me and my gal, we stay pretty closeted, except with our online friends, where we usually keep a veil of anonymity. By closeted, I mean we don’t tell anyone publicly what we do in the bedroom.

Until the Gay Liberation Movement, most homosexual folks were closeted, which meant they were not “out” publicly about their sexual orientation.

As BDSM becomes more common and accepted, I think most of those who practice it are likewise “keeping kink closeted.”

For most of us who are dabbling, or who are Just in the Bedroom, it’s a fun and occasional part of our sex lives, not our identity. This is different from the minority of people who are more “Lifestyle,” but who make up the majority of FetLife. These are folks who incorporate bdsm into their lives and relationships every day.

Us regular folks don’t want people to know what we do in the bedroom, bdsm or otherwise. We have families, careers, and reputations. To come out and share with others what we do creates a huge risk.

My wife and I have never been to a munch or other event. The risk of running into somebody we know is too great. Even if they are in the same boat as us. We can’t be confident that they’ll keep their mouth shut. And what if some other acquaintance is serving tables, or happens to be in the same restaurant at the same time? For us, it’s not something we want to countenance. But maybe after the kids are grown and if we didn’t have careers…

Other folks feel differently I know.

So, for you, what is the threshold for coming out that you need to overcome, or overcame?

Explicit Erotica

December 13, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Explicit Erotica

I found out the other day that there is a “Bad Sex in Fiction Award” given each year by The Literary Review.

Prizes are awarded to “draw attention to the crude, tasteless, often perfunctory use of redundant passages of sexual description in the modern novel, and to discourage it.”

The prizes exclude purely erotic works, and do specifically look for poor writing. After reading a few of the snippets of past writing, I’d agree the past winners’ writing is painful.

But the intent behind this award is also to discourage sexual description they consider crude or tasteless. Which seems subjective.

Sex –explicitly described or not—is something that people do. But I don’t think enough of us do it enough… or well enough.

Erotica

Explicit sex in fiction can help relationships.

I believe that explicit sex in popular writing gives the reader a payoff that can ignite the passion in themselves and their partner. It raises awareness and acceptance of sex as a part of life, including new and exciting sexual interests, and helps push us past this legacy Puritan, prudish sexual repression we continue to have in the United States.

Plus, a well-written sex scene provides a payoff for the reader, and can ignite the passion with their partner. And a little steaminess does sell books… because that’s what people want.

Writing about sex provides the opportunity to tell the reader what each character was thinking, and to explain how events, circumstances and upbringing led to the characters connecting, for better or for worse. Understanding the characters’ issues and challenges and how they resolve those problems is interesting and important, especially if it leads to the characters connecting in the most intimate way possible. And that means sex.

I passionately believe that a good sex life is a requirement for a healthy, vibrant marriage.

A lot of people –especially those who have been together a long time—aren’t having good sex. Books that inspire, explain and motivate both partners to more passionate sex life and thus greater intimacy have their place.

And that’s pretty much what I try to accomplish with the books I write.

I like my men like I like my martini!

December 12, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

I like my men like I like my martini
I like my men like I like my martini

Dirty Martini

December 11, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

I like my sex like I like my martini. Dirty. - Matchstrike Media
I like my sex like I like my martini. Dirty. – Matchstrike Media

Matchstrike Media RSS Feed Added

December 9, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

RSS (Really Simple Syndication) is a way to get a text feed of my new posts published to the Matchstrike Media website.

You can get the latest posts published to your RSS Reader and read them on your mobile device as you have time.

Not familiar with RSS readers?  I recommend Feedly.  Check it out!

To subscribe to feeds from this site or any other site, look for the little RSS icon (below) on the sites you visit, and if you want to follow, click it, and add it to your RSS Reader feed.  You’ll get instructions after you click.

rss_example

 

You can click on the icon above right now to add the Matchstrike Media RSS feed to your reader.

Not interested in RSS, just want to get updates as they’re published by email?  You can always subscribe to the site.

Bondage Scene Cookbook

December 7, 2014 by Edward Ryan 2 Comments

As you start to explore bondage, it’s inevitable that you ask, “How do I set up a bondage scene?”

We need a bondage scene cookbook!

This post is for couples who are not bondage lifestylers, but just regular folks who like to explore the wild side a bit, at least as a fantasy. People pursue fantasies for any number of reasons; for most of us the fantasy is sufficient. I’ve found many similar folks online, and we’ve taken to calling people like us “Just in the Bedroom.”

For Just in the Bedroom folks, bondage is a fun escape to spice things up, that’s done less than regularly. But like anything, doing a good bondage scene is a skill. You get better with experience.

To help folks who are exploring this stuff, some time ago I wrote a little cookbook with one recipe for how a scene might work, and which works well for my wife when we can carve enough time to cook the full “meal.”

I hope you find this useful, and if you do, post a comment of what works, what doesn’t, and what you do in your own life!

Bondage Scenes

Increasingly, regular folks are finding that they enjoy playing with bondage, discipline, dominance and submission. Such play doesn’t just spice up sex lives, but brings couples closer together and has the cathartic effect of releasing stresses of our more gender-equal relationships.

My wife and I certainly get these benefits out of our roleplay and doing a bondage scene, although we don’t get much time for big all-day scenes like we did before we started a family. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t think about it… a lot. Especially her: it was her interest in this stuff that actually got us started. Her adventurous mind is one of the many reasons that I love her.

When we get the chance in the bedroom, my wife really enjoys being dominated. And I really enjoy her submission. There’s something about her crawling on the floor, completely naked and following all of my orders that’s a huge turn-on. I’m not a dominant personality, nor do I want to be one (I’m not a doormat, I just neither want to give nor take orders from anyone), and our relationship is one of millennial equality… but in the bedroom I’m completely in charge. This more than makes up for any dominance I don’t exert in our day-to-day relationship. And that’s where a good bondage scene comes in!

Most of the time, we don’t have time for a big bondage scene. Heck, most of the time our sex is vanilla, other times we might add some little kinky things. And that’s fine, it’s the best we can do. But we look forward to doing a bondage scene when we can get to it. We call it, “Big Sex.”  And to be honest, at this point in our lives if we do one or two a year, we’re lucky.

But a few years ago when we finally had all the kids in school at the same time, I took a half-day off from work, so that we could get a chance to enact a long-put-off scene. Damn, I still get hard remembering the vision of walking into the bedroom after dropping the kids off at school, and she’s naked, on her knees, eyes down, hands in her lap, waiting for me as I had ordered. Hot!

Given that our roleplay now needed some scheduling and planning, I started thinking about what I’d do to her in coming sessions, and I realized that when I create the kind of bondage scene I like, I tend to create a session of 4 acts:

  • Act 1 is setting the scene: ordering her to strip, or to meet me naked on her knees, ordering her to get out the toys or restraints, starting to order her to assume some different bondage positions she’s been taught. It’s easing her into the scene in some ways, although the leap into BDSM is always a plunge. But it’s generally a stepwise progression into the more extreme acts following.
  • Act 2 is getting deeper into the bondage scene… maybe training her on new positions, sexual acts, something new she’s not comfortable with, testing her limits. Maybe being rough with her, adding various real or arbitrary punishments to give her pain or pleasure and get her focused and excited. Maybe an over-the-knee spanking, flogging, paddling as she presents and offers herself to me. More giving her orders, pushing her limits. The act ends with some limit being met or not met, or punishment pushing her to or beyond the edge.
  • Act 3 is the big scene… perhaps position bondage, or equipment like the spanking bench or an overhead hook, or maybe elaborate rope ties, more extreme sensory deprivation like the ball gag, hood, blindfolds, or ear plugs, then paddling, orgasm denial, anal play… essentially, the climax. Or several climaxes, usually one or several of hers, possibly including squirting orgasms, which we’re still working on.
  • Act 4 is the conclusion, and culminates with my orgasm. Maybe I take her ass or pussy or both (or fuck her pussy while her ass is plugged, or vibrate her pussy while I fuck her ass, or whatever), but basically I’m completely over-stimulated at this point, and I fuck her silly and try to keep from coming myself. Having her gagged is actually helpful; if she’s gagged well enough she can’t tell me she’s cumming… that puts me over the edge too often. But she gets to go at least once and possibly several times more as I slam into her tied up or untied body, and this is where she’ll sometimes black out if I can hold off long enough.

Then, there’s the very important epilogue as well… untying, snuggling, loving each other, the return to normality, cleaning stuff up and putting stuff away.  The scenes we have are tame compared to some… we don’t do a lot of extreme stuff, pain is very light, and my girl has never entered subspace. But I should mention that for a lot of people, “aftercare” after a heavy bondage scene is absolutely critical, especially if there have been lots of endorphins, emotions, pain and physical limits met and crossed.  It varies a lot by person and the scene, and while sometimes no aftercare might be needed, other people need a warm blanket, cuddling, water, soft caresses and kind, loving words until the person feels recovered.  So, if you’re taking your partner through a scene, be aware and responsible for the person you love.

Anyway, as for the bondage scene itself, there are a million options and scenarios for every act… add handcuffs, toys, oral, ropes, floggers, paddles, clamps, clothespins… the possibilities are endless, and I’ve actually been thinking about all the options, to sort of balance out the bondage scene in any given session. And I’m always working on discovering what new things she might like to try, or she’s letting me know obliquely what she might be interested in. Some might call this topping from the bottom, but it’s not, as we don’t really have a dominant/submissive relationship. It’s two people exploring our sexuality and relationship together, and more than anything it’s the pleasure and excitement that she experiences with her submission that pushes my own excitement and sexual satisfaction to such amazing heights.

Why Men Don’t Listen – Reader Thoughts and Feedback

November 11, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Feel free to post your thoughts and comments below on my book, Why Men Don’t Listen.

I will be happy to respond directly to any questions, too!

How Normal Couples Get into Kink: Our Story

November 8, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

She’ll deny it, but she was the one who was interested in exploring the spicy stuff

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How do people get into kink?  Here’s our story.

When we were dating fairly early on, we went into a nice, woman-owned adult store near where we lived in suburban DC.

We were poking around, and my gal had gotten a little ahead of me. She’d never minded going in the Adult section of the video store, either. I love my gal.

Anyway, I caught up to her where she had paused, and I take a look at the “Bondage 101” kit, containing velcro wrist and ankle cuffs –with matching o-rings and clips on each, a couple lengths of nylon strapping with more hooks, a blindfold, and a leather paddle. As if waiting for me to notice it, she says, “We can get that if you want.” In retrospect, I think I was set up. 😉 But into the cart it went!

So, we got home, and this was all blank slate to me. I kinda had the general idea I guess… we got the cuffs on her ankles and wrists, blindfolded her, tied her spread-eagled to the bed. It was okay, I used the vibrator on her. It’s so long ago I don’t know if I kept up quite the verbal narration of what I was thinking, seeing, doing and feeling as I do now. So we did that for a bit, and it was hard to have sex.

Meh.

But, we tried again a night or week later, I can’t remember. I’ve got her blindfolded, wrists cuffed to the headboard, I’m looking at her ankles and am about to tie them to the footboard… and something much better occurs to me. “Fuck that.” So, I grab each of her ankles, and tie first one to the headboard behind her, then the other, so her legs are wide open and spread apart, pussy gaping.

Seriously: It was like her brain exploded when I did that to her.

Having her tied up in a way that made her vulnerable and undeniably sexual gave her the freedom to embrace her sexuality

With her tied up like that, spread and helpless for whatever I wanted to do to her, totally exposed to my view… well, her excitement was palpable, and she was almost at the point of orgasming before I even got her second ankle fastened to the headboard.

I brought out the vibrator and touched it to her pussy, and she had this huge orgasm almost instantly. Like, the biggest I’d ever seen her have, and we’d had some good sex by that point.

I’ve thought about it, and I think that it really tapped into her deepest fantasies, to be displayed, fucked, used… helpless for whatever I wanted to do to her.

After she came I climbed right on top and entered her, and I wasn’t able to hold off myself off for long… she was cumming again so hard as I used her like that I couldn’t help but mirror her excitement and frantic arousal . Man!  All these years later, it still makes me hot thinking about it.

So, that was the official start of our bondage play.

We tried switching, with her tying me up and doing the same stuff, and it was just kind of meh… she didn’t enjoy it, and I couldn’t see anything or do anything. I’m really a top, she’s a bottom… which means I like doing stuff to her, and she likes stuff being done to her.

She suggested we read some erotic books together

Then she said had read some blistering books about bondage that I might enjoy, and that I could read aloud to her.

So we did. They were Ann Rice’s Sleeping Beauty series.

In all honesty, the books aren’t great: the characters are under-developed, the stories pretty basic, and there’s not really much a plot. But Rice really does tap into very deep pools of female submissive fantasies. And the content is very graphic, and describes lots of fetish acts. Lots and lots of spanking, but also lots of dominance and submission and lots and lots of different kinds of sex acts… some of them very, very extreme. I can’t even start to remember everything.

But, reading those books aloud to her in bed definitely showed me what we wanted. And I don’t think we ever made it more than two or three chapters before she was over my lap and the book had been tossed aside, forgotten.

Discovering Spanking

Overtime, we did more roleplay, with me playing the dom: giving her orders to strip, touch herself, position herself, do whatever I told her. “Don’t look up unless ordered,” “don’t cum unless ordered,” “count each stroke.”

We did a lot of spanking play. She loved that.

She still talks about the time I called her to the bedroom, where I had placed a straight-back chair in the middle of the big empty space, and how she felt seeing it there, and me standing next to it, and telling her she had been a bad girl and I was going to give her a spanking. I then ordered her to strip, slowly, folding each item of clothing neatly and placing it in front of me on the floor, until she stood completely naked, me still clothed.

Next, I sat down on the chair,  and told her to lay herself across my lap. I slowly started to spank her, making her count each stroke, and as I spanked and I played with her pussy between strokes.

<smile> She loved –and still loves– that stuff.

We don’t get the chance for that too much lately, but it’s completely cathartic for both of us, and immediately following every scene like that there is some really, really good sex.

We have an Ikea footstool that I picked up at one point. It’s a bit under two feet high, two feet long, and is padded with a round top. We’ve put that footstool to a lot of good use over the years… You can see a picture of it on my FetLife profile.  If you look at it, you can imagine her on it in either direction.

We just redid our bedroom, and a lot of stuff went to make room for her decorating vision. But not once did she suggest that footstool be tossed. Actually, she wound up giving the bedroom a lilac color palate (I wasn’t thrilled, but it’s not as girly as I was afraid it would be)… and I haven’t pressed her on it, but I think because the footstool is being kept and is purple. I admit I could be wrong. But I also know that if I pressed her, she’d deny it. She likes to be coy sometimes.

And sometimes, I know she likes the thrill of just having it out in plain view, only her and me knowing the things we’ve done to he on it.


Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series:  How Normal People Get into Kink: More Stories

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Just in the Bedroom

November 6, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

If you join the Fetlife online community, the first thing you’re asked to do is to create a profile.  In your profile you describe yourself, your interests, and what you’re looking for on the site, from a romantic partner to friends to people who share your particular sexual interests. You’re also asked to describe your intensity of interest, and one of the choices you can select is “Just in the Bedroom.”

Just In the Bedroom fits me and my wife perfectly, so much so that I formed a group around it on the site.

It’s a fairly small group… some groups, like Novices and Newbies (recommended) have tens of thousands of members. Just in the Bedroom has a couple hundred gathered over the past year or so.

I think that part of the reason for this is that there’s a level of passion and commitment, and folks who get into fetish and kink are serious about it.

To be perfectly honest, folks who just roleplay a bit in the bedroom are a bit looked down upon by the most committed. Some feel that you can’t experience true submission unless you really dive into it, and enter a true power exchange relationship.

I understand these folks’ point, but I disagree. Like anything, I think it’s a matter of degree. For my gal and me, an occasional play session with me taking a dominant role satiates our desires and gives us what we need. Neither of us wants or needs a 24-7 master/slave relationship. And to be quite honest, I’ve never been attracted to potential partners who need or want me to take a 100% leadership role. I’ve always wanted a relationship of equals and partners.

It’s funny, though; in this crazy world nowadays, people are clearly mismatched, because a common topic on the site is people with submissive longings who wish their partner to take more of a dominant, leadership role. And some of these partners can’t or won’t. Or won’t take things far enough. It clearly causes anguish for all involved.

It’s also interesting that some majority of these folks tend to be submissive women, wanting their male partners to take more leadership and control. It is clearly a choice they’re making, and consensual. And because of that, I don’t believe that it’s anti-feminist. But sometimes it feels that way to me.

What’s also interesting to me is that I often pick up a vibe from the dominant males –or those who present themselves of such– that feels misogynist, selfish, narcissistic, and even psychopathic: more interested in manipulation and self-interest than true relationships, and are even unable and uninterested in forming real relationships. It disturbs me that women fall for this, and put themselves in these men’s hands.

Yet, this appears to be what some of these women want.

It seems that we are programmed to want things that aren’t always good for us. And there’s scientific evidence to support this. Women do tend to like assholes. Not sure? There’s lots of good stuff about this out there, but here’s a particularly readable post from Psychology Today.

So, what’s all this getting to?

Most women don’t want to be submissive or subservient. Nor do most men. Nor does either gender want to necessarily be dominant over their partner. But this causes some friction for those who do. And there is part of all of us that finds freedom scary and uncomfortable, and also not being in control. These are appetites, and some of us have stronger appetites than others.

So, if you want to satiate your appetites once in a while, you should. And if that’s enough, then you’re a Just-in-the-Bedroom kinda person like my wife and me.

Alternately, you may just want some kinky sex once in the while… and you don’t want any of that Dominance / submission, Sadism / Masochism, Bondage / Discipline stuff. And that’s fine, too. Maybe you’re fine with something else. (See my earlier post on Kinks.)

But ultimately, for all of us, we’re looking for love and connection, to have relationships that are fulfilling, that bring us closer and increase intimacy… and also scratch those itches that we have but sometimes can’t even explain to ourselves.

All this spicy sex stuff is fun.  It’s fulfilling.  It brings us closer together.  It helps us resolve issues in our relationships of increasing equality.

But, it’s not all there is.  There are people who aren’t kinky who sleep around and are good at bedding conquests, and ultimately those folks tend to be lonely and alone.  We know that seeking kink without connection will have the same result.  We who are Just in the Bedroom are looking to bring together traditional love and connection with the exhilaration of sexual exploration to make our relationships stronger and more vibrant, not just out of self-interest, but for love of our partner and what we have together.

It’s all good.

We are all different, and there’s not one “right” way to do spicy sex.  It’s what works for you and your partner, and what you do in your bedroom is your business, no one else’s.

As a friend said about Just in the Bedroom folks, “We’re as kinky as we want to be.” And no more.


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Why Kink and Spicy Sex Still isn’t Accepted

November 6, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Kink and spicy sex isn’t mainstream because people pass value judgments on how you live your life.

In the past, there was a culture to uphold. Right or wrong, in Western culture heterosexual monogamy became the standard, and people quoted scripture to support that.

It became the standard because it worked. It codified expectations. Other cultures and traditions have had other ways. But with this sexually repressed system, Western culture did become ascendant.

But Western culture also gave the world the Enlightenment with a belief in rationality and equal rights, and we find ourselves in the culmination of this chain of events. And there have been culture wars for decades between the more liberal and conservative elements of society. It’s divided along red and blue political systems, but even beyond that.

Additionally, there is an increasing body of scientific evidence about how the brain has evolved and works that suggests that there are biological reasons for our cultural norms.

For example, there is evidence that if women are going to cheat, they tend to do it when they are most fertile and their estrogen is highest. If successful in doing so secretly, there is a chance that spouses could wind up raising children that aren’t their own, which is biologically counter-productive.

Additionally, women were traditionally dependent upon their heterosexual partner to provide for them while they raise their children, so keeping marriages intact and not having sex until married was important lest the woman not be able to raise her children, with cost to her family and society.

Yet, at the same time, men desire to spread their seed widely and often, seeking multiple partners. So among a male-dominated society, boys-will-be-boys attitudes proliferate.

We continue to experience vestiges of these social structures even today, particularly in conservative communities where people were raised with values and morals that supported this system.

But things are changing, with marriage no longer being required to allow women to support their children, or to remain in abusive or unfulfilling relationships.

Polygamorous marriages and non-marriages are becoming more common. And as men and women become more equal, new power structures are being explored. Which you, reading this, are doing yourself.

Cultural changes = relationship stress

But not everything is great. When there are no rules, or old rules are swept away, we all experience stress while we figure out new equilibriums.

A husband who discusses every decision with his wife as an equal, and even usually defers to her desires can find himself in a situation where she doesn’t respect him and his masculinity. While she wants to be an equal, deep down inside there’s a primitive urge for a strong man who exhibits his caveman-like behaviors.

It gets a bit pop-science-y, but women definitely express preferences for hyper-masculine when they are most fertile: alpha male jerks who exhibit dominant behaviors… and these are the men with whom they have one-night stands. Esther Perel put it best: “What we protest against during the day is what we desire during the night.”

It puts nice guys –men who are trying to live up to the expectations of gender equality– in a tough situation.

But for those who can swing it, some roleplay and spicy sex in the bedroom satisfies appetites that aren’t getting filled otherwise.

When women demand PC partners… then get bored

My dad left when I was five. Plenty of blame to go around, but the net result was that it left me to tag along with my mom as she immersed herself fully in the early-70’s Equal Rights movement. I was raised a feminist, and I have no regrets about that.

But, it took me a fairly long time to get into the mind of being able to dominate my wife in the bedroom. I raised to defer to women, to seek equality in all things, to not treat women like objects or a naughty girl that needed to be punished.

My wife would publicly deny she wants me to treat her like that in the bedroom, out of propriety and her reputation. But the fact is… she does. But only occasionally, and only in the bedroom. Oh, okay, or in a hotel room. 🙂

I wrote in another post how I finally got more comfortable with things, and my “Aha!” moment. And things have been great since then. Spicy sex has made our marriage and relationship stronger and better.

But the issue goes both ways. If you are a woman whose partner wants you to submit to him in the bedroom, you might slam into your own feminist beliefs. You might not have any submissive desires, or you might not feel able to admit them to yourself given how hard women have worked to get where they are today, and how they still have far to go both in Western society and globally.

Or, you might as a woman find yourself in a situation where you have a strong man who you fantasize about dominating… or who wishes to be dominated. That can be a particularly tricky one to figure out, especially for if your male partner is vanilla, not interested in kink, and either committed to or insecure about his masculinity. Being submissive in any capacity, spicy sex or not, could be psychologically difficult to accept.

 

But again, think of the stereotype of who sees dominatrixes: powerful, professional men who have the desire and means to give up power for a short time. If you want to try this, or if your man wants to try this kind of spicy sex, you should.  See how you both like it, and remember how it’s only temporary and a game played in the bedroom.

And if you do try being dominant during some spicy sex in the bedroom, the same tip as always applies: start slow. And approach it the right way:  I doubt there’s any guy who wouldn’t be willing to let you try out the furry handcuffs while you gave him a blowjob. See how that goes, and take it from there.

But if partner struggling with this, give them time to absorb and process after each experience.

Reconciling feminism with submissive fantasies

There is a controversial topic in feminist blogs about a common female fantasy of being overpowered during sex. It causes a lot of anguish, for obvious reasons. But studies show that four out of ten women have these fantasies… regularly. Why? There are theories. You can read a great high-level article from Psychology Today here for an overview. And the comments are even better.

But, if you are a woman struggling with the contradiction of submissive fantasies with your desire to maintain the hard-won advances that women have made in the past century, you aren’t alone. And some men are also sensitive to this.

My opinion –which some won’t agree with, including some feminist bloggers– is that fantasy is fantasy, and what excites you in the bedroom is your business. If you want your partner to roleplay your fantasies, and he’s willing, there is no stigma with that.

But I will also say that it took me some time to get my own mind to where I could be the person to make our roleplay sessions what my wife really wanted. And for me, it took me understanding how much my wife got off on it, how much she wanted me to get off on it, and then the secret sauce that this was acting for both of us (or perhaps a bit more). Our allowing ourselves to fulfill our own and each others’ desires was incredibly fulfilling and sexy.


Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series:  Just in the Bedroom

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The Spicy Internet: The Good, the Bad, the Great, and the Awful…

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

The Internet is filled with Spicy Internet sites.  Some folks even say it’s why the Internet exists!

I enjoy participating a social media site called FetLife. It bills itself as the BDSM and fetish community for kinksters by kinksters. And I think it does a pretty good job at that and it’s probably at the center of the spicy internet. Besides creating a profile for yourself, you can find and join groups of people who share your interests, and pitch right in on conversations and topics.

You won’t be surprised to find out I created and host a group there called, “Just in the Bedroom.” If you visit the site, drop by the group and say, “hi!”

But frankly, FetLife scares the hell out of the vanillas. (Vanillas being those who are new to spicy sex.)

When you first log in, after you create a stub profile, you are likely to see graphic and even extreme pictures from the first moment, mostly from advertiser banner ads along the right-side of the page, but also from the “Kinky and Popular” tab of the site. One ad that sticks in my mind is for an adult movie site, kink.com, that has a woman tied spread eagle to some sort of device, while a sex device plunges in and out of her. This is not 101-level stuff, and for someone whose speed is romance novels, well, it’s too much. People run the other direction.

Then, if you do stick around and join a group that sounds interesting, it is an unfortunate fact that some “lifestylers” enjoy shocking and scaring off the newbies. That the person had the courage to join at all was a big step and should be admired; instead, some folks can be be mean and insulting to people for asking basic questions. It’s a bit disappointing.

But, plenty of hardy souls do make it through, find interesting groups, and get immersed in the value of the site, from pictures and videos, discussion groups, and even find get-togethers and more in their local area. And that’s great.

Fetlife Envy

But some of us are not able or willing to play publicly. We aren’t going to go to a public dungeon and let it all hang out, for various reasons. And we maybe aren’t going to try some of the things we see other people blissfully trying and posting pics of online. Or maybe we want to, but our spouse isn’t willing.

And then comes the FetLife Envy.

FetLife Envy is when you want something you can’t have. And your primal sexual cave-man or -woman is crying out in frustration that you can’t have it.

I hit this myself when I started reading a series of post –that I found credible– by a guy who posted sort of a part-instructional, part-biographical series of writings on how he finds strong, mature female submissives, and trains them to become his sex slaves, to the point that he can make them orgasm with his voice alone. And he posts pictures, too. And I know enough to know that some people really do reach those kind of levels of… whatever you call it.

For my wife and me, our sex life has been slow for a long time given our other responsibilities and priorities, and time for spicy sex has been scarce. But to read about what he does and how he does it, and the levels of fulfillment and sexual satisfaction that he and his (many!) partners get is… frustrating.

I laugh while I say it, but things like this can cause issues, when the immature part of your brain starts screaming, “I want it! I want it!” And the answer is you can’t have it.

Another online friend of mine gets frustrated when she sees things others of her friends from the site are doing, and her husband can’t do to her… or, more the case, not as often or as much as she likes. She knows she gets more than most… but still wants more. Ah, the perils of the Spicy Internet…

So, just be aware of it, and keep a throttle on it. The Internet is good… and bad… and good… and bad.

Try to focus on the good, and be realistic.

Some recommended sites

There are a vast number of adult websites out there on the spicy internet.  But here are a few ones I recommend that can help you build intimacy with your partner.  These sites can also help you connect with other people like you as well as educate and entertain.

  • Literotica – Free, user-submitted Erotica. Quality is all over the place, but ratings help you find the better stories, and you can search by topic.,
  • Fetlife – This free site combines a social media site with endless user-created groups for discussion of any topic, from “Novices and Newbies” to… extreme things. Some of this is way beyond the spicy internet… but everyone can find a place there.
  • Voyeurweb / Redclouds – Amateur-submitted photos and videos.  Voyeurweb is free but has more tame pictures.  Redclouds is $24/year, but both the explicit pictures and my favorite forum discussion board on the Internet.
  • Psychology Today – Easily the most readable, interesting and enjoyable site that covers kink topics on the Internet. And no one even thinks it’s part of the spicy internet… but it definitely is. Check out topics under “Sex.”  Free!

Bad people, and why you need to be careful

While this blog is written mainly for people in their middle years in long-term relationships, I still feel the need to say something to people who are single and looking for a partner about the BDSM community and potential partners out there:

You need to be very careful.

There are bad people out there. When you are dealing with fantasy stuff like bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism, you are dealing with somewhat extreme things. And there are people for whom this stuff isn’t extreme: it’s what they want and desire all the time.

I offer no apologies to the fetish community. It’s a fact, and one of the things that makes me uncomfortable about some of what I see is that there are clearly sociopathic, abusive and dangerous people out there. The community does talk, and munches (non-sexual happy hours, usually) do give people the chance to meet, and talk, and check up on each other. But there is still danger out there.

Also, there is rampant and reactive misogyny out there. Misogyny is hatred of women. As women exert more power in the workforce, the legal system and society, some men feel threatened. And they are looking to exploit women and don’t really care about others, just their own sexual satisfaction. Some of these guys are known as players, and there’s a whole subculture of guys out there who look to exploit women sexually, without looking for healthy relationships. Some of these guys would say they are just beating women at their own game, but I find the trend concerning. I guess it’s a natural reaction, but women need to educate themselves and be careful.

And what if you’re a woman in a long-term relationship and your significant other exhibits misogynistic behaviors? Well, you’re probably already having marriage issues beyond not feeling close, and looking at spicing up your sex life is not likely to help. Although it occurs to me that such women may not be dissatisfied with their relationships if they crave to be submissive. Of course, they probably aren’t reading this post anyway. So we’ll move along now.


Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Why Kink and Spicy Sex Still isn’t Accepted

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No Spicy Dice: My Partner is Not Interested in Kinky Sex

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan 1 Comment

What do you do if your partner just is not interested in kinky sex?

You probably got married before you really got interested in the steamy stuff. For most young couples, frequent sex is good enough. But over time, things cooled.

Maybe not just the intensity, but the frequency of the sex. Or maybe you just never had much of a sex life to begin with.

You started wanting to spice things up. And maybe you introduced the idea to your partner.

And each time, your partner wasn’t interested. The reasons could be anything… some of which were discussed in the previous post.

But in this post, let’s say that your partner just is not interested in kinky sex, and it’s been settled.

It’s a tough situation. What do you do?

First: are you still having sex at all?

If not, then you have bigger issues. If you’ve tried to talk to your spouse about it, and they won’t, then you really need to consider marriage counseling… because things often don’t just get better on their own. And a healthy marriage absolutely needs a healthy sex life as part of it. If you don’t have that, then one or both partners will be getting frustrated, resentful and angry, and may go looking for sex somewhere else.

Or possibly, the partner that doesn’t want sex may be getting it somewhere else. Possibly even with a member of the same sex.

Whatever the case, these issues need to be surfaced, and worked out. Relationships can’t survive dishonesty and lack of no connection. Or perhaps they can, but I personally don’t wish that kind of relationship on anyone.

Assuming you’ve worked things through and understand that your partner just doesn’t want kinky sex, but loves you and wants to continue having sex with you, what other options do you have?

There are some, such as Pamela Madsen, who feels okay going outside her marriage. That’s not for me, or us, and I find some of her rationalizations for her actions a… great stretch. But she kept her marriage with her husband even while taking on a dominant lover who fills her need for raunchy D/s sex, and her marriage to her husband seems strong.

But personally, I don’t think most of our marriages can survive spitting our attentions and affections beyond our spouse or partner, especially sexually. Others disagree. But in this blog, we’re looking at strengthening monogamous marriage.

You can read

How many wives read 50 Shades and suddenly found themselves desiring a more spicy relationship? Many, that’s how many. Much of our sex lives are in our brains. You can continue to read, and try to introduce small items into your vanilla lovemaking. “Hold my wrists.” “Tell me ‘I’m yours to do with as you please.'” “Let’s try this position.” Small things that your partner shouldn’t object to. Then, be diligent about verbally and physically expressing your pleasure and appreciation. Build that positive feedback loop. It pays off.

But he / she just can’t…

I had a lot of trouble getting over treating my wife like anything other than a lady and an equal in the bedroom.

In my case, it was that I was programmed as a child with a very feminist worldview. I don’t regret it… but it did impact our roleplay, and deep down, my wife hungered being taken and roughly used by a dominant man overcome by her sexuality and focused on nothing but satisfying his own urges.

It took me a long time, but finally I figured out the flip-side of the old trope, “submission gives her permission to be a dirty girl.” In my case, her acquiescence and desire for my dominance gave me permission to treat her like a dirty girl. That was huge, and the Rosetta stone for me. Because, frankly, I did want to. I wanted to see to my own needs and desires. But it had been drilled into me that you treat women as equals and not objects at all times.

But, one of the crazy revelations about BDSM –and why it’s getting so popular– is that deep down, at a primal level, we still have urges to treat each other in ways that aren’t politically correct. To quote the Eurthymics “Some of them want to use you / Some of them want to get used by you / Some of them want to abuse you / Some of them want to be abused.”

Some of us crave to dominate, some of us crave to submit… and sometimes, we even want the opposite when we’re with someone else.

There are theories that these are primal things wired into our brains, and while most of us are in the middle and generally just get along, some folks are more dominant and hunger to compete, win, and be in control, while others hunger to submit and serve.

There’s an interesting yin-and-yang. I have read that the person most interested in BDSM in the scene is almost always the powerful alpha male who craves submission, usually to a powerful woman. He seeks relief from his position of authority. And I think the same thing holds true for the many successful, strong women nowadays, who are always “on,” and seek an occasional respite from their heavy mantle of responsibilities by submitting in the bedroom.

Do you need it?

And if you’ve tried everything to get your spouse interested, and they just aren’t, you need to ask yourself if this is a need, or a want, and if you can satisfy your needs for connection, intimacy and sexual satisfaction in other ways. If you can’t, then there may be some hard conversations in your future.


Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series:  The Spicy Internet: The Good, the Bad, the Great, and the Awful…

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Interest your Partner in the Exhilaration of Spicy Sex and Kink

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

You want to explore the kinky stuff because:

  • You’re feeling empty
  • You’re bored
  • You have these desires, these things you want to experience!
  • You’re not feeling close to your partner
  • You want to bring back the intimacy

But what about your partner? How do they feel about it?

I like to think that most people are open-minded and have some sense of adventure, and would like to try new things.

But some people are resistant, for predictable reasons. Maybe these things seem immoral or against their religion or values. Maybe they feel that these are not things that nice people do. Or that if their family or friends found out, they’d be judged harshly.

Maybe, there’s even some of the Madonna-Whore thing that some men have, including some men that I know, where some men can’t bring themselves to have raunchy sex with their bride and mother of their children, because they consider it dirty and they don’t want to soil their woman with their carnal desires

It’s a shame, because they are both denying themselves and their wives a more satisfying relationship. It’s at least partially religion- and family-based. And also, these same men are more prone to take on mistresses on the side, with whom they can have raunchy sex without it impacting their conscience. How that’s better is a pretty impressive piece of rationalization. But in my opinion (and some disagree) fidelity to your spouse is critical to your relationship, and having a secret mistress is not cool. Although, such marriages do tend to last, as divorce is also very frowned upon in such families. But anyway, if I were the wife and mother in such a relationship, I’d insist my husband not stray, and not deny me the sex life I deserve.

How about a spouse that’s just really straight… not interested in trying anything that isn’t missionary. That one can be tough, as again, morality and expectations get all wrapped up in there. I’d suggest in such a case you start slow, and introduce things very slowly, one at a time, getting your spouse used to things before introducing the next. I was chatting online with someone who had a very traditional girlfriend, and sex was dull… until one night, he reached up and put a hand on her throat as he entered her. This triggered something primal in her, and opened up the door to trying new things, with enthusiasm on her part. They never called it what it was, which was rough sex or even dominance and submission, but it worked for them.

If you’re a wife with unadventurous husband, you can introduce lingerie and candles and other tame things, until one night when he’s excited you pull out a little vibrator and ask him to use it on you… or perhaps lay yourself over his lap and say you’ve been naughty and he should spank you a bit before you’ve earned the main course. He may be shocked, but if he loves you and wants to please you, he’ll do it. Your job is to give him lots of positive reinforcement as he makes each tentative step… show him and tell him how excited you are and how pleasurable you find it… and your excitement should be contagious. And he’ll be thinking about it afterwards, and will want to do it again.

If your partner raises objections that he or she doesn’t feel right about it, then you may have to stand up for yourself, and say that you feel fine about it, and you have needs and desires, too… and that you never feel closer than when you share such things.

The flat out refusal

That’s hard. It happens. But seriously… not often. And you have to ask yourself, what have you got to lose? You have a right to feel fulfilled in your marriage and sex life, and we all need our needs filled. If your spouse can’t fill them, then who can? If you need to, talk to a counselor on this one topic to get over it.

Judging

The absolute worst-case scenario is that your spouse judges your requests and desires as immoral and wrong, and treats you as if you are doing something wrong. In most of the Western World, this isn’t so likely. But it could and does happen.

So what do you do?

Honestly, it depends on how much of a partnership your marriage really is.

If it is an old-world marriage, with the man in charge and no negotiation possible, then your options are limited. But, alternately, you may have married a person in a conservative culture who is like you, and is happy and relieved to be able to explore their desires with their life-mate.

And one thing about conservative cultures that works to our advantage is that what people do behind closed doors is their own business; people don’t want to know, but they also believe in independence and freedom of choice, even if they don’t agree with that choice.

The attitude is, “My house, my rules.” So, you need to figure out how to get your partner to adopt the rules you like.


Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  No Spicy Dice: My Partner is Not Interested in Kinky Sex

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Explore Kink: Ten Spicy Sex Life Improvers for Couples!

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan 1 Comment

The world of kink is vast, limited only by the minds and interests of everyone in the world. So we aren’t going to get into everything. But, we can at least look at some of the more “mainstream” kinks that you might be interested in.

But before we do, one comment about the words “kink” and “fetish”: They suck.

Words are loaded, and those words in particular have negative emotional connotations that imply sexual deviancy and unwholesomeness. So, I’ll try to use the word “spicy” to better describe these things for folks who want to explore kink.

With that, if you want to explore kink, here are ten common ones to consider.

  1. Voyeurism – People-watching is a time-honored sport, it’s fun, especially on a date night say watching singles hook up and make out. And porn movies can count, too.
  2. Exhibitionism – Ever get aroused by the idea of someone checking you out or getting titillated seeing more of you than they probably should? There are many degrees of this, from wearing a low-cut blouse to streaking through campus.
  3. Clothing: Lingerie & Shoes – Besides looking sexy, there are a large number of people who have developed sexual attraction to certain clothing items. The variety is vast, but some men just get incredibly turned on by their women tramping it up in something revealing, others get turned on by shoes and stockings.
  4. Body Parts: Feet, hands and hair – Like clothing, some people have biologically come to associate certain body parts with sexual arousal. Straight men often respond to boobs, butts, legs and waists. But some also get turned on by feed, hands and hair. And straight women get turned on by masculine features like shoulders and waists. If there’s some way you guys can get a thrill in the bedroom with your partner by enjoying these body parts, why wouldn’t you?
  5. Bondage – Bondage has become a catch-all phrase for a lot of things, but we’ll say here that it’s tying someone up through any number of methods, in any kind of position, for sexual or non-sexual reasons. For some, it’s about the control that they have over the other person, or the demonstration of submission, that they willingly give themselves up to another person. Personally, I find that bondage is a lot of fun because when I’m done, my wife has given me total control over her, and I feel I have permission to see to my own pleasure with her like that which I don’t have otherwise. Combine this with a blindfold and other stuff, and the freedom it gives both of us is amazing.
  6. Spanking (S&M) – Spanking is one kind of sensation play, where a person spanks another person’s butt, either by hand or with a device. Other parts of the body can be flogged or paddled as well, and some folks enjoy the endorphins released that tangle up with the pleasure receptors so much they get into what’s called “heavy sensation play.” That’s not something my wife and I are interested in, but many are.
  7. Dominance and Submission – it’s just like it sounds: One person takes charge, the other gives up control. We are all wired with neural pathways for this kind of stuff, and in some cases we are leaders, in others followers, and there is a pleasure to be found in each. This kind of play takes that further, and some folks get a lot of pleasure from each role. Tie that up with sexual play, and it’s a hell of a cocktail.
  8. Oral – Okay, this seems tame compared to the other topics we’ve been talking about… but it’s not. Have you and your partner really discovered oral sex? I’m going to guess that most of us haven’t. We’ll do more posts on this later, but for now, check out She Comes First in our recommended books section.
  9. Anal – Anal has a bad rep, for a lot of obvious reasons. But I can personally attest that there is pleasure to be found in this area, for both of you. If you already know you’re interested, then go for it. If it’s not something you’ve ever considered, consider it. Check our other posts for posts tagged “anal.”
  10. Toys – Butt plugs and dildos and lube, Oh my! A clothing catalog my wife got in the mail the other day had two pages of sex toys in it. They’re everywhere. Try ‘em out. One of my stories is about a rosebud buttplug. It’s a kink, but also getting more common.

Want to learn more about what you might like? Try a checklist: you can find a post I did on checklists here.

Even better, sit down with your partner, and do a checklist together. You’ll learn a lot, it’ll be fun and exciting, and perhaps most importantly what you and your spouse are not interested in.

Plus, you’ll learn some things that your spouse might not just be willing to try, but is enthusiastic about. I remember when my wife and I did a checklist for the first time. I was stunned –and overjoyed– by some of the things my wife said she would try. “Really?? You’d do THAT?” My god, my gal… I love her.

And that is a great example of the benefits that kink can bring. That my wife is willing to admit and even do some things that would shock the neighbors makes me feel incredibly close to her, and excited, and grateful that she shares such thoughts with me. And I think the same would be true for everyone in the same situation.

Your feelings of rejection and shame

Jeremy Nicholson, M.S.W., Ph.D. writes in Psychology Today that:

There is an unfortunate misconception that fantasies, fetishes, and kink necessarily “objectify” and “distance” lovers from one another. Usually, just the opposite is true. Sharing your secret sexual cravings with a special partner can increase trust and intimacy. It is a special, private piece of yourself that you are giving to someone else.

In this world where half of all marriages end in divorce –if people even get married at all– looking into things to satisfy your own desires isn’t bad. What happens in the bedroom is your own business.

If you feel ashamed of your desires, then you owe it to yourself to ask why. Most likely, it’s expectations that you feel society, religion, family or you have for yourself. But are you subordinating your own happiness for subjective morality that you never chose for yourself? If so, then stick up for yourself. If you are feeling unhappy, unconnected and unfulfilled, that is no way to go through life. Try other things, and get a loving partner to explore them with you.


Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series:  Get Your Partner Interested in the Exhilaration of Spicy Sex and Kink

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Your Crazy Sexual Desires Don’t Make Sense. Enjoy ’em Anyway!

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Our Crazy Sexual Desires

If my wife wanted me to put on a clown costume and honk a horn in bed… well, that ain’t workin’ for me. At all. Although I apologize if that’s your kink.

But, I’d do it for her.

Honestly, what gives me the biggest thrill is her excitement. If something circus-related got her steamy and then acting something out pushed her into the explosion of a monumental orgasm… well, crap. Okay. I’ll do it.

That’s one of the secrets of kink.

We don’t always know why things turn us on, or what turns our partner on… but if it does, and fulfilling a person’s fantasy in the bedroom makes them blissfully happy and no one is getting hurt… then why the hell wouldn’t you?

The payoff is that you make your partner happy, which should make you happy. It brings you closer. There are those inscrutable brain chemicals that get released when we finally satisfy an appetite that we’ve had, especially one that doesn’t get fed often.

Those Crazy Sexual Desires Actually Aren’t So Crazy

Maybe what turns you on is being given permission to forget your normal roles and responsibilities, and giving up control.

Or, maybe the opposite, getting the chance to be the powerful person seeing to one’s own desires and hungers without thinking about everyone else for a change.

Maybe it’s embracing and rejoicing in that which you fear most in a safe, roleplay session.

Maybe it’s the combination of pain and pleasure, which get mixed up together and confused in the brain, providing a greater climax.

It could be taking on the attributes of another gender or role and having the freedom to embrace something that seems forbidden for family, cultural or values reasons, but which you find gives you a sexual charge.

Whatever it is that turns you on… it’s okay, really. As long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else and doesn’t control your life.

In the next post, we talk about specific things you and your partner might like to explore in your sex lives. We’re gettin’ to the really good stuff now!


Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series:  Explore Kink: Ten Spicy Sex Life Improvers for Couples!

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‘Keeping the Spark Alive’ Series

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Marriage, Part 5: I’m Just Not Feeling the Spark Anymore. I’m feeling Unfulfilled.

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Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 1

Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 2: The Spicy Sex Checklist

Discussing your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 3: Other Ideas for Discussing the Sensitive Sex Topic of Spicy Sex

When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 1: The No Sex Marriage

When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 2: Health and Hormone Issues

Fallen out of Love

‘SPICING THINGS UP’ SERIES

Why Do People Like the Spicy Sex Stuff?

Becoming a Kinky Couple Reignites Your Relationship and is a Blast!

How Normal People Are Getting into Kink: More Stories

Is Bondage Wrong? Not if Wives Want a Strong Man in Bed and an Equal Partner the Rest of the Time.

Your Crazy Sexual Desires Don’t Make Sense. Enjoy ’em Anyway!

Explore Kink: Ten Spicy Sex Life Improvers for Couples!

Interest your Partner in the Exhilaration of Spicy Sex and Kink

No Spicy Dice: My Partner is Not Interested in Kinky Sex

The Spicy Internet: The Good, the Bad, the Great, and the Awful…

Why Kink and Spicy Sex Still isn’t Accepted

Just in the Bedroom

How Normal Couples Get into Kink: Our Story

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