The world of kink is vast, limited only by the minds and interests of everyone in the world. So we aren’t going to get into everything. But, we can at least look at some of the more “mainstream” kinks that you might be interested in.
But before we do, one comment about the words “kink” and “fetish”: They suck.
Words are loaded, and those words in particular have negative emotional connotations that imply sexual deviancy and unwholesomeness. So, I’ll try to use the word “spicy” to better describe these things for folks who want to explore kink.
With that, if you want to explore kink, here are ten common ones to consider.
- Voyeurism – People-watching is a time-honored sport, it’s fun, especially on a date night say watching singles hook up and make out. And porn movies can count, too.
- Exhibitionism – Ever get aroused by the idea of someone checking you out or getting titillated seeing more of you than they probably should? There are many degrees of this, from wearing a low-cut blouse to streaking through campus.
- Clothing: Lingerie & Shoes – Besides looking sexy, there are a large number of people who have developed sexual attraction to certain clothing items. The variety is vast, but some men just get incredibly turned on by their women tramping it up in something revealing, others get turned on by shoes and stockings.
- Body Parts: Feet, hands and hair – Like clothing, some people have biologically come to associate certain body parts with sexual arousal. Straight men often respond to boobs, butts, legs and waists. But some also get turned on by feed, hands and hair. And straight women get turned on by masculine features like shoulders and waists. If there’s some way you guys can get a thrill in the bedroom with your partner by enjoying these body parts, why wouldn’t you?
- Bondage – Bondage has become a catch-all phrase for a lot of things, but we’ll say here that it’s tying someone up through any number of methods, in any kind of position, for sexual or non-sexual reasons. For some, it’s about the control that they have over the other person, or the demonstration of submission, that they willingly give themselves up to another person. Personally, I find that bondage is a lot of fun because when I’m done, my wife has given me total control over her, and I feel I have permission to see to my own pleasure with her like that which I don’t have otherwise. Combine this with a blindfold and other stuff, and the freedom it gives both of us is amazing.
- Spanking (S&M) – Spanking is one kind of sensation play, where a person spanks another person’s butt, either by hand or with a device. Other parts of the body can be flogged or paddled as well, and some folks enjoy the endorphins released that tangle up with the pleasure receptors so much they get into what’s called “heavy sensation play.” That’s not something my wife and I are interested in, but many are.
- Dominance and Submission – it’s just like it sounds: One person takes charge, the other gives up control. We are all wired with neural pathways for this kind of stuff, and in some cases we are leaders, in others followers, and there is a pleasure to be found in each. This kind of play takes that further, and some folks get a lot of pleasure from each role. Tie that up with sexual play, and it’s a hell of a cocktail.
- Oral – Okay, this seems tame compared to the other topics we’ve been talking about… but it’s not. Have you and your partner really discovered oral sex? I’m going to guess that most of us haven’t. We’ll do more posts on this later, but for now, check out She Comes First in our recommended books section.
- Anal – Anal has a bad rep, for a lot of obvious reasons. But I can personally attest that there is pleasure to be found in this area, for both of you. If you already know you’re interested, then go for it. If it’s not something you’ve ever considered, consider it. Check our other posts for posts tagged “anal.”
- Toys – Butt plugs and dildos and lube, Oh my! A clothing catalog my wife got in the mail the other day had two pages of sex toys in it. They’re everywhere. Try ‘em out. One of my stories is about a rosebud buttplug. It’s a kink, but also getting more common.
Want to learn more about what you might like? Try a checklist: you can find a post I did on checklists here.
Even better, sit down with your partner, and do a checklist together. You’ll learn a lot, it’ll be fun and exciting, and perhaps most importantly what you and your spouse are not interested in.
Plus, you’ll learn some things that your spouse might not just be willing to try, but is enthusiastic about. I remember when my wife and I did a checklist for the first time. I was stunned –and overjoyed– by some of the things my wife said she would try. “Really?? You’d do THAT?” My god, my gal… I love her.
And that is a great example of the benefits that kink can bring. That my wife is willing to admit and even do some things that would shock the neighbors makes me feel incredibly close to her, and excited, and grateful that she shares such thoughts with me. And I think the same would be true for everyone in the same situation.
Your feelings of rejection and shame
Jeremy Nicholson, M.S.W., Ph.D. writes in Psychology Today that:
There is an unfortunate misconception that fantasies, fetishes, and kink necessarily “objectify” and “distance” lovers from one another. Usually, just the opposite is true. Sharing your secret sexual cravings with a special partner can increase trust and intimacy. It is a special, private piece of yourself that you are giving to someone else.
In this world where half of all marriages end in divorce –if people even get married at all– looking into things to satisfy your own desires isn’t bad. What happens in the bedroom is your own business.
If you feel ashamed of your desires, then you owe it to yourself to ask why. Most likely, it’s expectations that you feel society, religion, family or you have for yourself. But are you subordinating your own happiness for subjective morality that you never chose for yourself? If so, then stick up for yourself. If you are feeling unhappy, unconnected and unfulfilled, that is no way to go through life. Try other things, and get a loving partner to explore them with you.
Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Get Your Partner Interested in the Exhilaration of Spicy Sex and Kink