More and More People are Getting Into Kink
For me, the greatest thing about the Internet is that I have made some incredibly close online friends, friends like I haven’t made since college. I’ve met them on discussion boards and in chat rooms over the years, and I have half-a-dozen folks who I keep in touch with online fairly regularly, who I’ve never met in person.
As you might guess, I met all of them in adult chatrooms. They are all people who are a bit more introspective and “real,” than most, and we soon were chatting about our lives as well as things like how to hide your bondage stuff when you have in-laws visiting.
And it’s not as seedy or sordid as it might seem. Nowadays, you can chat with people of like interests on any number of sites, from Yahoo Instant Messenger to FetLife. You won’t click with most. But over time, you might.
With these folks’ permission, I am sharing a bit of these folks’ stories of how they discovered kink. In all cases, these are not their real names.
Jenna’s a mom with kids in high school. She’s never been a member of the popular crowd, but is sincere in her faith and her desire to be a good wife and mom. She’s always hungered for love and attention, and to be desired, owned and protected by her partner.
She didn’t fully come to realize what she wanted until 50 Shades came out. Reading that book, she soon was devouring other erotic fiction she found on Amazon. And one of the books she read mentioned FetLife as a site she might want to join… which she did, which was where we met online.
Like us, she and her husband are entirely monogamous, and are similar in a lot of other interesting ways that I won’t mention. But we just clicked.
Jenna gathered her courage as she figured out what she wanted, and spoke to her great husband about her spicy desires. It’s hard making someone who had never considered this stuff understand what was being asked for, but she wasn’t shy about giving him things to read.
They ratcheted it up over time. They experimented with different things, and found what they liked. And, he was surprised and excited by both how worked up the things got her, and also the visual and mental stimulation it gave him.
What she finds most compelling is that she has his full attention and his clear desire for her. He may be distracted other times, but when they’re in the throes of a kinky sex session, there is no one there but them, and their play can be intense and cathartic.
They’ve had their setbacks; she struggles with his ability to truly “lead” in their bedroom activities, to fully take on the “dom” role and “own” everything, including her. But, compared to most folks, the nature and intensity of their activities impresses the hell out of me, personally.
They continue to work on him taking more of the lead, and it’s not always as much as she wants and desires, but she knows she is getting a lot of what she wants. And I joked with her once that I suspect that they have more and better sex than the rest of their church, combined.
Now married to a disabled man who is step-father to her adult son, Diane had some horrific family situations that left her scarred in many ways, including being married to an emotionally-abusive alcoholic.
She says she has always been submissive, although she’d never had words to describe it. Then, one day, she met a man who was a classical dominant, and cheated on her husband. After that night, she never had sex with her soon-to-be ex again, and also resolved to leave him, which she did. She had to save up her courage, and her money. It happened long before I ever knew her, but I’m proud of her.
Over time, thanks to the Internet, she read and researched more, and found out she was sexually submissive, and found herself a good man who she educated to be what she wanted in the bedroom. Their sex life is incredibly and increasingly steamy, and most folks wouldn’t believe it. They’ve also found that the quality of their connection has only improved over time, and as they’ve slowly opened up to each other about their sexual desires, they’ve been able to open up their hearts further to each other as well.
With nearly ten years in the military and several overseas deployments, Rafael and his wife had the need to reconnect after their long separations.
His wife wanted to know that when he was there, he was there. She wanted to know that he truly wanted and desired her, to the point that she wanted him wanted him to own her. She couldn’t out-and-out ask for this, but Rafael noticed that she responded very strongly and positively to rougher, more assertive sex… and sex that was incredibly fulfilling for him.
It wasn’t long before he figured out that tying her up and giving her orders was part of what she fantasized about. This opened the door to some intimate conversations where she opened her heart, and the two of them have pursued an arrangement with him in the more constant dominant role than what my wife and I do.
But I find it a heart-warming story of two people who love each other who want to give each other what they need.
Kink is normal
Does any of this sound weird to you? Hopefully not.
In each of these cases, these folks were meeting the needs of their partners or getting their own needs satisfied. The roughness or dominance of what they do or desire is not abusive or unwanted, but is perceived more as a visceral demonstration of their desire and hunger for one another.
No one’s getting hurt or abused. Actually, it’s exactly the opposite. Both people are getting exactly what they want and need, and which has for a long time seemed wrong to ask for.
Still in the Closet
There are many people who are still hiding their desires and what they are. “In the Closet” has traditionally meant that someone is secretly gay, but it can also apply to folks with other fetishes and sexual interests that aren’t acceptable in mainstream society.
A common one is men who have a fetish for women’s underwear, or even cross-dressing. Many of these men feel they can’t share their desires with their wives.
Other fetishes are too many to list… but if you have a fetish, or your partner does, consider bringing it out. You might need to do it in a joking or non-threatening way, but if your partner wants you to be happy, it is reasonable to expect that you can work something out.
And really, unspoken and unfulfilled desires can eventually kill a relationship. Or can keep you from having true intimacy with your partner, depriving both of you of the connection you deserve.
Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Is Bondage Wrong? Not if Wives Want a Strong Man in Bed and an Equal Partner the Rest of the Time.