No Spark in Marriage
Maybe you don’t have big issues, but are just feeling unsatisfied in your marriage and sex life.
How do you reignite the spark that has died?
This may be surprising, but it’s not flowers, love notes, a surprise date, or a massage.
Some of it is just connecting again.
If you feel like you’re just roommates, cohabitating but who have nothing in common, then you both need to remember what it was that attracted you to each other in the first place. Then, think of how to recapture that spirit. If it was sports, go someplace and play or watch what you enjoyed. If it was music, go to a show. If it was art, or poetry, or a shared passion, get out of your rut and make the effort to reconnect through what brought you together in the first place.
Then, clear out distractions, and talk, like you’re on a first date. Ask questions. Be interested in each other. Ask your partner to tell you something you didn’t know, about them or what you’re doing.
Often, much of our attraction to each other is based on newness, novelty, and surprise. Find ways to do things together that inspire these things. Build new connections and experiences together.
If you keep doing the same thing you’ve always done… you’ll keep getting the result you’ve always gotten.
Get out of your rut. Go on dates. Do new things. Have an adventure.
Everyone gets bored doing the same thing, in the same four walls, predictably and invariably. So, mix it up. Go for a walk. Find a concert. Go window shopping. Book a cruise. Keep things new for both of you!
Spicing things up
It is amazing to me that even with all the sexual imagery we’re all bombarded with, how many people seem to have disappointing sex lives. Sex that is either infrequent or where missionary on Saturday night is about as good as it gets.
Some folks are hung up about admitting their desires or curiosity about various things. Others have moral or religious reservations about doing things that seem “dirty.” Or, they are afraid of how their spouse may respond.
My opinion is that what happens in your own bedroom is no one’s business but your own. If you want to order something sexy out of a Victoria’s Secret catalog… or Frederick’s of Hollywood, do it. And if you want to get something that buzzes, vibrates or plugs in, for heaven’s sake, do it already. Your partner will more than likely be thrilled. And if they’re not, then it’s a great conversation opener about why not… and how you’re not getting experiences you’d like to have.
And that goes for other things you might like to try, watch or participate in as well.
My next series of posts gives a ton more details about how to spice things up… and what people like and find sexy about those things.
But what about when it’s not about trying something new… but just a lack of desire, period?
In my next post, I talk about reconnecting sexually.
Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Marriage, Part 6: Reconnecting Sexually in a Marriage of Equals
Lesbian relationship, together 16 yrs, legally married 2.
Sex maybe 5 times a year. Feel like roommates
I’m sorry for your situation; it’s not easy. But you’re not alone, lots of couples are in similar situations. If talking to a counselor as a couple isn’t possible, you might find it worth talking to one on your own. I recently did that, and it really helped me be able to talk to my wife about our issues.