The Internet is filled with Spicy Internet sites. Some folks even say it’s why the Internet exists!
I enjoy participating a social media site called FetLife. It bills itself as the BDSM and fetish community for kinksters by kinksters. And I think it does a pretty good job at that and it’s probably at the center of the spicy internet. Besides creating a profile for yourself, you can find and join groups of people who share your interests, and pitch right in on conversations and topics.
You won’t be surprised to find out I created and host a group there called, “Just in the Bedroom.” If you visit the site, drop by the group and say, “hi!”
But frankly, FetLife scares the hell out of the vanillas. (Vanillas being those who are new to spicy sex.)
When you first log in, after you create a stub profile, you are likely to see graphic and even extreme pictures from the first moment, mostly from advertiser banner ads along the right-side of the page, but also from the “Kinky and Popular” tab of the site. One ad that sticks in my mind is for an adult movie site, kink.com, that has a woman tied spread eagle to some sort of device, while a sex device plunges in and out of her. This is not 101-level stuff, and for someone whose speed is romance novels, well, it’s too much. People run the other direction.
Then, if you do stick around and join a group that sounds interesting, it is an unfortunate fact that some “lifestylers” enjoy shocking and scaring off the newbies. That the person had the courage to join at all was a big step and should be admired; instead, some folks can be be mean and insulting to people for asking basic questions. It’s a bit disappointing.
But, plenty of hardy souls do make it through, find interesting groups, and get immersed in the value of the site, from pictures and videos, discussion groups, and even find get-togethers and more in their local area. And that’s great.
But some of us are not able or willing to play publicly. We aren’t going to go to a public dungeon and let it all hang out, for various reasons. And we maybe aren’t going to try some of the things we see other people blissfully trying and posting pics of online. Or maybe we want to, but our spouse isn’t willing.
And then comes the FetLife Envy.
FetLife Envy is when you want something you can’t have. And your primal sexual cave-man or -woman is crying out in frustration that you can’t have it.
I hit this myself when I started reading a series of post –that I found credible– by a guy who posted sort of a part-instructional, part-biographical series of writings on how he finds strong, mature female submissives, and trains them to become his sex slaves, to the point that he can make them orgasm with his voice alone. And he posts pictures, too. And I know enough to know that some people really do reach those kind of levels of… whatever you call it.
For my wife and me, our sex life has been slow for a long time given our other responsibilities and priorities, and time for spicy sex has been scarce. But to read about what he does and how he does it, and the levels of fulfillment and sexual satisfaction that he and his (many!) partners get is… frustrating.
I laugh while I say it, but things like this can cause issues, when the immature part of your brain starts screaming, “I want it! I want it!” And the answer is you can’t have it.
Another online friend of mine gets frustrated when she sees things others of her friends from the site are doing, and her husband can’t do to her… or, more the case, not as often or as much as she likes. She knows she gets more than most… but still wants more. Ah, the perils of the Spicy Internet…
So, just be aware of it, and keep a throttle on it. The Internet is good… and bad… and good… and bad.
Try to focus on the good, and be realistic.
Some recommended sites
There are a vast number of adult websites out there on the spicy internet. But here are a few ones I recommend that can help you build intimacy with your partner. These sites can also help you connect with other people like you as well as educate and entertain.
- Literotica – Free, user-submitted Erotica. Quality is all over the place, but ratings help you find the better stories, and you can search by topic.,
- Fetlife – This free site combines a social media site with endless user-created groups for discussion of any topic, from “Novices and Newbies” to… extreme things. Some of this is way beyond the spicy internet… but everyone can find a place there.
- Voyeurweb / Redclouds – Amateur-submitted photos and videos. Voyeurweb is free but has more tame pictures. Redclouds is $24/year, but both the explicit pictures and my favorite forum discussion board on the Internet.
- Psychology Today – Easily the most readable, interesting and enjoyable site that covers kink topics on the Internet. And no one even thinks it’s part of the spicy internet… but it definitely is. Check out topics under “Sex.” Free!
Bad people, and why you need to be careful
While this blog is written mainly for people in their middle years in long-term relationships, I still feel the need to say something to people who are single and looking for a partner about the BDSM community and potential partners out there:
You need to be very careful.
There are bad people out there. When you are dealing with fantasy stuff like bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism, you are dealing with somewhat extreme things. And there are people for whom this stuff isn’t extreme: it’s what they want and desire all the time.
I offer no apologies to the fetish community. It’s a fact, and one of the things that makes me uncomfortable about some of what I see is that there are clearly sociopathic, abusive and dangerous people out there. The community does talk, and munches (non-sexual happy hours, usually) do give people the chance to meet, and talk, and check up on each other. But there is still danger out there.
Also, there is rampant and reactive misogyny out there. Misogyny is hatred of women. As women exert more power in the workforce, the legal system and society, some men feel threatened. And they are looking to exploit women and don’t really care about others, just their own sexual satisfaction. Some of these guys are known as players, and there’s a whole subculture of guys out there who look to exploit women sexually, without looking for healthy relationships. Some of these guys would say they are just beating women at their own game, but I find the trend concerning. I guess it’s a natural reaction, but women need to educate themselves and be careful.
And what if you’re a woman in a long-term relationship and your significant other exhibits misogynistic behaviors? Well, you’re probably already having marriage issues beyond not feeling close, and looking at spicing up your sex life is not likely to help. Although it occurs to me that such women may not be dissatisfied with their relationships if they crave to be submissive. Of course, they probably aren’t reading this post anyway. So we’ll move along now.
Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Why Kink and Spicy Sex Still isn’t Accepted