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You are here: Home / Archives for 50 Shades of Grey

Is Bondage Wrong? Not if Wives Want a Strong Man in Bed and an Equal Partner the Rest of the Time.

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Sex Lives are Sucking.

Jen is a good girl. Good mom. Good wife. Good daughter. Good employee. She’s dedicated to everyone. Always on. Always thinking of others.

Her husband Mark is kind. Handsome. Attentive. Nice

And their sex life sucks.

They do it twice a week. Usually missionary after the kids go to sleep. Mark is gentle, loving, attentive to her needs. Usually she has a nice little orgasm, and falls asleep in Mark’s arms.

She’s bored.

Sometimes, she just wants Mark to tear off her clothes, throw her down, and fuck her hard.

Maybe even pull her hair, spank her ass.

Of course, Mark would never treat the mother of her children that way.

So, she feels empty. And sometimes a few of her girlfriends give hints of wild nights and just-the-grownups trips away, things that they do in the bedroom that she hasn’t done. They don’t seem to ask themselves, “is bondage wrong? And she feels jealous, and a bit disappointed, and even a bit angry.

But good girls don’t want to do those kind of things. Right?

Well, actually, they do.

Things are changing:  Kinky Sex is going Mainstream

50 Shades was a phenomenon, with moms and girlfriends reading and talking about having that kind of sex with that kind of focused, hungry, dominant man.

Maybe Jen secretly read the book. But she knows that in her long relationship with Mark, that he is not going to change that much. And Christian Grey in the book was a new man; she is not about to start a new romance.

But Jen is wrong.

She can have a new man, and a new relationship. And that man can be her husband. She just doesn’t get this. While there might be some barriers for Mark to overcome, he’d probably be delighted to delight his wife. And he’ll benefit, too.

First, Jen needs to decide what she wants out of this. Sex is nice, but really, she wants some adventure… and to feel desired. To feel more intimacy with her husband. And to fulfill some dark fantasies she can’t even put words to, around being… lusted for… owned… and taken.

She wants to feel that desire that Mark had for her when they were first together. And, for a time, she wants to forget her roles and responsibilities, and be free to live in that moment. She wants the freedom to revel in herself and her own pleasure, which she really can’t do with her mind buzzing with all of her other roles and responsibilities.

Mark, concurrently, really wants similar things. Besides every guy’s drive for passionate sex, he wants to rekindle the romance with his wife. He wants to feel closer, and wants her to feel closer to him. And, ultimately, because he’s a good guy, he wants to please his wife, and give her what she desires.

Mark may have to overcome conditioning about how to treat a lady… and Jen about how she should expect to be treated. But the key here is that this is just-in-the-bedroom stuff. This is fun, and temporary, and something two people that care and even love each other do, with respect and trust.

How do they do this?

Roleplay.

How to have a Roleplay Session

Before a session, Jen and Mark agree who does what, as should you. It can be hard to ask for and discuss. But if one person is playing a king or queen, and the other the servant, it puts some distance between the people who they are in day-to-day life. And allows fantasies to be fulfilled.

It can be hard to ask. Before the session, you should agree to how things begin and end, and on safewords. (Safewords are special words that are used if things get too intense… often folks use “yellow” for “slow down!” and “red” for “Stop!”)

And if it’s hard to know what to do, you can do a checklist or read some erotic stories together. Maybe you identify a few things in advance that you might like to do or try. This way, both of you know what you’re getting into. And if there’s special equipment you have to get (“Honey, where’s your hairbrush?”) you guys can get things together ahead of time. And if both people know the limits and what’s expected, that reduces stress hugely.

If both people think of it as a scene in a play, that helps lower inhibitions. You’re playing roles, not yourselves, so you can do things you might not usually be comfortable saying or doing, as “it’s the character, not me!” That provides a bit of emotional distance from asking for things you want to try but are embarrassed to ask for.

I would guess that when the person who is fulfilling the request of their partner sees how sexually excited and enthusiastic the other person gets, well, there is no better positive reinforcement than that for continuing exploring.

The benefits are the excitement, fulfillment, and intimacy. Being able to share these things with your partner brings you closer. Maybe it’s an endorphin blast to your brain that makes you feel all goofy and happy… but, scientifically, isn’t that what love is, too?


Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series:  Your Crazy Sexual Desires Don’t Make Sense. Enjoy ‘em Anyway!

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How Normal People Are Getting into Kink: More Stories

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

More and More People are Getting Into Kink

For me, the greatest thing about the Internet is that I have made some incredibly close online friends, friends like I haven’t made since college. I’ve met them on discussion boards and in chat rooms over the years, and I have half-a-dozen folks who I keep in touch with online fairly regularly, who I’ve never met in person.

As you might guess, I met all of them in adult chatrooms. They are all people who are a bit more introspective and “real,” than most, and we soon were chatting about our lives as well as things like how to hide your bondage stuff when you have in-laws visiting.

And it’s not as seedy or sordid as it might seem. Nowadays, you can chat with people of like interests on any number of sites, from Yahoo Instant Messenger to FetLife. You won’t click with most. But over time, you might.

With these folks’ permission, I am sharing a bit of these folks’ stories of how they discovered kink. In all cases, these are not their real names.

Jenna

Jenna’s a mom with kids in high school. She’s never been a member of the popular crowd, but is sincere in her faith and her desire to be a good wife and mom. She’s always hungered for love and attention, and to be desired, owned and protected by her partner.

She didn’t fully come to realize what she wanted until 50 Shades came out. Reading that book, she soon was devouring other erotic fiction she found on Amazon. And one of the books she read mentioned FetLife as a site she might want to join… which she did, which was where we met online.

Like us, she and her husband are entirely monogamous, and are similar in a lot of other interesting ways that I won’t mention. But we just clicked.

Jenna gathered her courage as she figured out what she wanted, and spoke to her great husband about her spicy desires. It’s hard making someone who had never considered this stuff understand what was being asked for, but she wasn’t shy about giving him things to read.

They ratcheted it up over time. They experimented with different things, and found what they liked. And, he was surprised and excited by both how worked up the things got her, and also the visual and mental stimulation it gave him.

What she finds most compelling is that she has his full attention and his clear desire for her.  He may be distracted other times, but when they’re in the throes of a kinky sex session, there is no one there but them, and their play can be intense and cathartic.

They’ve had their setbacks; she struggles with his ability to truly “lead” in their bedroom activities, to fully take on the “dom” role and “own” everything, including her. But, compared to most folks, the nature and intensity of their activities impresses the hell out of me, personally.

They continue to work on him taking more of the lead, and it’s not always as much as she wants and desires, but she knows she is getting a lot of what she wants.  And I joked with her once that I suspect that they have more and better sex than the rest of their church, combined.

Diane

Now married to a disabled man who is step-father to her adult son, Diane had some horrific family situations that left her scarred in many ways, including being married to an emotionally-abusive alcoholic.

She says she has always been submissive, although she’d never had words to describe it. Then, one day, she met a man who was a classical dominant, and cheated on her husband. After that night, she never had sex with her soon-to-be ex again, and also resolved to leave him, which she did.  She had to save up her courage, and her money.  It happened long before I ever knew her, but I’m proud of her.

Over time, thanks to the Internet, she read and researched more, and found out she was sexually submissive, and found herself a good man who she educated to be what she wanted in the bedroom. Their sex life is incredibly and increasingly steamy, and most folks wouldn’t believe it. They’ve also found that the quality of their connection has only improved over time, and as they’ve slowly opened up to each other about their sexual desires, they’ve been able to open up their hearts further to each other as well.

Rafael

With nearly ten years in the military and several overseas deployments, Rafael and his wife had the need to reconnect after their long separations.

His wife wanted to know that when he was there, he was there. She wanted to know that he truly wanted and desired her, to the point that she wanted him wanted him to own her. She couldn’t out-and-out ask for this, but Rafael noticed that she responded very strongly and positively to rougher, more assertive sex… and sex that was incredibly fulfilling for him.

It wasn’t long before he figured out that tying her up and giving her orders was part of what she fantasized about.  This opened the door to some intimate conversations where she opened her heart, and the two of them have pursued an arrangement with him in the more constant dominant role than what my wife and I do.

But I find it a heart-warming story of two people who love each other who want to give each other what they need.

Kink is normal

Does any of this sound weird to you? Hopefully not.

In each of these cases, these folks were meeting the needs of their partners or getting their own needs satisfied. The roughness or dominance of what they do or desire is not abusive or unwanted, but is perceived more as a visceral demonstration of their desire and hunger for one another.

No one’s getting hurt or abused. Actually, it’s exactly the opposite. Both people are getting exactly what they want and need, and which has for a long time seemed wrong to ask for.

Still in the Closet

There are many people who are still hiding their desires and what they are. “In the Closet” has traditionally meant that someone is secretly gay, but it can also apply to folks with other fetishes and sexual interests that aren’t acceptable in mainstream society.

A common one is men who have a fetish for women’s underwear, or even cross-dressing. Many of these men feel they can’t share their desires with their wives.

Other fetishes are too many to list… but if you have a fetish, or your partner does, consider bringing it out. You might need to do it in a joking or non-threatening way, but if your partner wants you to be happy, it is reasonable to expect that you can work something out.

And really, unspoken and unfulfilled desires can eventually kill a relationship. Or can keep you from having true intimacy with your partner, depriving both of you of the connection you deserve.


Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series:  Is Bondage Wrong? Not if Wives Want a Strong Man in Bed and an Equal Partner the Rest of the Time.

Keeping The Spark Alive Index

Spicing Things Up Index

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About Matchstrike Media

Why Do People Like the Spicy Sex Stuff?

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan 1 Comment

Everyone wants a fantastic sex life.

But… what is your definition of a terrific sex life?

For me, it’s really about connecting with my partner. Her excitement is what’s most exciting to me. And some of the best sex we’ve had has been plain “vanilla.” Nothing fancy, but where we fed off each other’s exhilaration. I think we all can relate: think of the excitement of the first time you had sex with your partner, with the anxiety, excitement and the thrill of it.

But newness fades. So to keep things fresh we try new things. Not just for the novelty, but to explore and excite our partners, and excite ourselves in return.

Of course, some folks don’t try new things. The result can be “bed death,” a phrase I find so perfectly descriptive. It’s when the sex gets so dull that neither partner sees the point anymore.

So, to stay enthusiastic, we try new things. Sometimes we try the Spicy Sex Stuff, which is more often known as “kink.” Kinky stuff is everywhere nowadays. Books. Movies. Magazines. TV shoes. And it’s a popular topic of conversation.

But you may not know anybody that actually does it. Or admits to doing it. Yet people clearly are doing it. After 50 Shades, became popular, hardware stores reported they were selling out of rope.

And people were into this stuff before 50 Shades came around. My wife and I got into this as a direct result of her interest from reading Ann Rice’s Sleeping Beauty series long before I even met her. (link to affiliate store)

So, we do kinky stuff in the bedroom.

It’s been an absolute blast.

How Spicy Sex is Exciting to us: Dominance and submission

But, despite us playing with kink in the bedroom, we have a modern marriage of equals. So what do we enjoy about this stuff? Well, being equals can be exhausting. Sometimes she gets tired of being the strong woman; she wants me to step up, be in charge, and lead. And for me, being careful to make every single decision together is exhausting for me, too. And frankly, it evaporates my manly independence –which I admit is important to me as a guy—and thus impacts my own feelings of masculinity and also how she perceives me.

I mean, crap, sometimes I just want to say, “Enough.  We’ll do it my way. Decided.” <smile> Which is guaranteed to make her explode. So, often we’ll talk, and just do things her way, because I don’t really care, and I don’t want a fight. But sometimes I feel it would be nice to be able to be Papa Bear, and everyone jumps to my commands. But… the world don’t work like that no more, at least not in our house.

She’d never want to give up her power in the relationship. She wants me to be nurturing, be involved with running the house and making a nice home for us and our family, and be sensitive to her needs and emotions. Yet she craves to be overpowered by a strong man. Luckily for both of us, we’ve figured it out, and roleplay in the bedroom scratches that itch. And I’m the one that scratches it. Me. I’m the only one.

And my wife isn’t alone. A recent Huffington Post article by psychologist Randi Gunther, Ph.D. shares that she is seeing numerous couples where, Husbands are happy with more equality. Wives are still divorcing them. The sensitive male does not inspire sexual passion.

But, for us, in the bedroom we have play sessions where we live out these fantasies of her submission and my dominance… my overpowering masculinity, her enthusiastic submission. It’s a mental shift, totally unlike our day-to-day relationship, where she submits to my will.

Being the son of a single, strongly feminist mother, I had issues accepting the dominant role when I figured out that was what she needed, wanted and was asking for. But eventually I figured it out. And it has totally paid off.

For us, her occasional submission gives her permission to be naughty and my object… and to give herself over to her pleasure, as well as mine. She gives up control, and there’s a freedom in that, which she usually doesn’t have. She doesn’t have to think, she just does. And for me, it’s the same thing, just from the opposite direction.

We are fortunate that we’re comfortable going back to our normal roles of equals afterwards with no real trouble. And for some time –days, weeks, even months—we’re both much more happy and relaxed. It also cements in her brain that I am a man who has demonstrated I can –and do—act in bold, dominant male fashion. And it satisfies her need for masculinity.

How Kink is Exciting to us: Sensation Play

Some folks enjoy being spanked… and more.

For us, we really aren’t into anything painful, except that a sound spanking can be a lot of fun. For us it’s much more about the roleplaying aspect, but the nerves down in that area get all jumbled up, and there’s crossover that can lead to stronger orgasms for my gal.

There’s also the sensation and adrenaline, and how alive and focused it makes the person getting spanked feel… and it’s exciting to the person giving the spanking as well.

We’re pretty basic in what we do, but you’ve probably seen stuff on the Internet that makes you wince. Us, too. But some folks do enjoy that stuff. Intensely.

Spicy sex is what you like. Like the spices we add to the recipes you like, you cook up what you personally like.

Roleplaying versus Lifestyle

Meanwhile, others seek more “24/7” or “lifestyle” arrangements: a more permanent relationship structure where one person is dominant over the other. In some ways this is reminiscent of “traditional” marriages, but it’s different in that it often now includes a much more explicit sexual element, and either gender can be dominant.

Personally, I see all this this as another example of the normal distribution… the majority of people clump towards the average in anything, but there are always some who at either extremes, and that’s fine for them. Most of us are in the middle, though. We don’t need a full-time dominant-submissive relationship. Yet that is what much of the literature out there is targeted towards… which makes perfect sense, actually. Who’s most passionate about this stuff? The folks who live and breathe it, or who crave it. And that’s one of the things that makes this site different: we’re for the folks in the middle, looking to address marriage friction, communicate better, and improve intimacy through a better sex life.

And, on the other extreme, many people have no interest in kink. And that’s fine, too. It could also be that these folks are in more ‘traditional’ marriages, with more ‘old-style’ gender roles, and no need to play out power games since they live them already. Or they’re just not particularly sexual, or don’t have a need or desire to be dominant or submissive. Or folks have “traditional” values, the idea of explicit sex and things that come with kink may make them uncomfortable.

But, if you’re in a loving, monogamous marriage or relationship, and you are feeling the desire or disconnected from each other, this spicy sex stuff can provide huge benefits.


Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series:  Becoming a Kinky Couple Reignites Your Relationship and is a Blast!

Keeping The Spark Alive Index

Spicing Things Up Index

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About Matchstrike Media

Reignite the Spark in your Marriage with New Bedroom Adventures

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Bedroom Adventures

Everybody and their mother is saying you have to spice stuff up in the bedroom nowadays. (“Ewww… Mom, stop!”)

But just because everyone is saying something, it doesn’t mean you should do it. There’s the wisdom of the crowd, and then there’s the herd.

But to me, the question one should always ask is, “Why.” Why should you spice up your sex life?

Well, given the stresses that we’re all under, and how those of us in long-term relationships find that over time the newness fades, leading to us feeling disconnected from our partners, unsatisfied, and like you just want “more” than we’re getting, a little sexual adventurousness could be just the ticket.

Partners are expected to be a hell of a lot nowadays…

In your marriage, you need your partner to not just be a good husband or wife, but also to:

  • Be a good parent
  • Be a friend
  • Be a provider or co-provider
  • Give you emotional support
  • Hold you accountable
  • Keep up the house
  • Support your goals
  • Support your personal growth
  • Fulfill your sexual needs
  • And so many other things…

When you have to be all these things to each other, it is easy to lose the connection between the two of you. In the rush of things, time for each other, and time for enjoyable, connecting sex falls off the list.

But if you aren’t feeling connected to your partner, or feeling emotionally or sexually unfulfilled, then improving your sex life can go a long way to improving your overall relationship.

Both men and women need sex. But men seem to feel more of a sense of loss and resentment when they don’t have sex, or the sex isn’t frequent or good enough.

But I believe incredibly strongly that sex is a fundamental part of any healthy marriage. It relieves stress, has meditative and cathartic benefits, and brings a couple closer together, wiping out irritants and hurt feelings… or at least puts you in a state of mind where you can talk about things and even let them go.

There’s no lack of things to try: in popular culture there’s an onslaught on everything from about 50 Shades, cougars, high-end dildos and vibrators, swing parties, Viagra, couples porn, sex furniture, cuckolding, and Cosmo giving tips on anal sex. And that’s just on your first page of search results for Tuna Casserole recipes!

Personally, I’m all for whatever drives your zamboni. Within reason of course: nothing that hurts another person, is non-consensual, or causes mental or emotional trauma to others. But, if you get off on draping yourself in velvet, go for it. (Extra points for those who get the pop culture reference!)

But let’s be realistic: just throwing sexual stuff at a relationship is not going to make it better if you have significant issues.

But if it’s “just” a matter of needing to get out of a rut, reconnect sexually and emotionally, and reigniting your passion for your partner, it’s a great thing to do.

There are two terrific reasons to spice up your sex life. The first is to feel closer. The other is to keep things fresh and new and exciting, which is really important to feeling connected. These are related items. But not the same.

So, are you feeling unfulfilled in your relationship or sex life?

Spice things up!  How? Check out the next series, Spicing Things Up.

Embarrassed or afraid to bring up the subject with your partner? See my next post.


Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 1

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About Us

Matchstrike Media publishes books that help couples improve their lives, relationships and sexual fulfillment in a fun, relatable, and educational way. What we create is designed to appeal to both partners and bring couples closer together. Read More…

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Recent Posts

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‘Keeping the Spark Alive’ Series

Unravel your Relationship Conflict Issues

Your Dying Sex Life

Spice Up Your Sex Life to Increase Intimacy

Why Are We Fighting?

Relationship Issues are Everywhere: Can you save your Marriage?

Why Relationships Cool: What You Can Do About a Dead or Dying Marriage

Nothing Can Be New Forever: Good Sex Fades

Our Stressful Lives are Killing our Relationships, Intimacy and Sex Lives

Sex-starved and Sexless Marriages

Decide What’s Important. And that Includes Talking about Sex.

What to Do When your Sex Life is Dying and you Don’t Feel Close Anymore

Bring Back the Spark in your Relationship with These Tips!

Marriage, Part 1: Nourish your Relationship Emotionally, Mentally and Physically

Marriage, Part 2: What is a Happy Marriage?

Marriage, Part 3: Anger, Conflict and Communication

Marriage, Part 4: Fix Relationship Anger with Communication and Compromise

Marriage, Part 5: I’m Just Not Feeling the Spark Anymore. I’m feeling Unfulfilled.

Marriage, Part 6: Reconnecting Sexually in a Marriage of Equals

Reignite the Spark in your Marriage with New Bedroom Adventures

Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 1

Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 2: The Spicy Sex Checklist

Discussing your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 3: Other Ideas for Discussing the Sensitive Sex Topic of Spicy Sex

When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 1: The No Sex Marriage

When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 2: Health and Hormone Issues

Fallen out of Love

‘SPICING THINGS UP’ SERIES

Why Do People Like the Spicy Sex Stuff?

Becoming a Kinky Couple Reignites Your Relationship and is a Blast!

How Normal People Are Getting into Kink: More Stories

Is Bondage Wrong? Not if Wives Want a Strong Man in Bed and an Equal Partner the Rest of the Time.

Your Crazy Sexual Desires Don’t Make Sense. Enjoy ’em Anyway!

Explore Kink: Ten Spicy Sex Life Improvers for Couples!

Interest your Partner in the Exhilaration of Spicy Sex and Kink

No Spicy Dice: My Partner is Not Interested in Kinky Sex

The Spicy Internet: The Good, the Bad, the Great, and the Awful…

Why Kink and Spicy Sex Still isn’t Accepted

Just in the Bedroom

How Normal Couples Get into Kink: Our Story

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