How people discover they want to try bondage: Maggie McNeill’s Story

March 3, 2015 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

How people discover they want to try bondage: Maggie McNeill’s Story

Maggie McNeill writes a provocative and well-reasoned pro-sex blog, The Honest Courtesan: Frank commentary from a retired call girl, that you should check out. She’s honest to a fault, pulls no punches, and is putting out a book of her compiled books soon. Check her out and watch for her book!

Here’s her story for how she discovered her interest in bondage and kinky sex, used with her permission.

…I might as well complete my confessional and admit that I’m terribly turned on by being tied up, and always have been. In my column of July 28^th I mentioned that certain situations on TV made me feel “funny”, but that nobody else seemed affected; that’s because most of those situations involved bondage. Most people seem able to watch a scene of a woman being tied up without sexual arousal, but not me; watching girls being captured by bandits, carried off by monsters or chained and collared as slaves did it for me as well. Of course when I was four I had no idea what sex was and could not possibly have connected it to bondage even if I had; the recognition of the “funny feelings” as sexual did not come until I was about 12. But that didn’t stop me from enjoying the part of the damsel in distress in neighborhood make-believe games; somehow I usually managed to be the girl who was carried off or captured by the bad guys and had to be rescued. And if I was lucky they had rope handy and would really tie me to a tree or chair!

By the time I turned 17 I had discovered that if a man held my wrists down during sex it really got me going, so the first time a trusted boyfriend asked if he could tie me up I obviously agreed with great enthusiasm. That in turn led to blindfolds, gags, handcuffs, dominance and submission games and even spanking and whipping; though pain never really did anything for me, the act of submitting to the whipping was terribly exciting. In other words, it wasn’t the pain which turned me on but the fact that a man had the power to do it to me. Though neofeminists deny it, the fact is that most women are sexually aroused to one degree or another by being dominated by a man in a sexual situation; most male-dominant BDSM is an exaggeration of the normal female impulse rather than something completely different, which is why the rape fantasy is still among the most common of female sexual fantasies. The opposition of neofeminists to BDSM, like their opposition to prostitution, has nothing to do with their self-proclaimed “concern” for women and everything to do with their tired old anti-sex agenda. Neofeminism treats all non-neofeminist women as imbeciles and denies we have the right to make our own sexual choices when those choices conflict with neofeminist dogma. This is, of course, done “for our own good”; funny how often that phrase comes up whenever sex is concerned.

I think she’s absolutely right about what arouses a goodly number –but certainly not all!– women. I also like that she says that she’s not turned on by pain. That echoes what my gal and I enjoy, and it’s nice for some to say it so definitively. While “your kink is not my kink and that’s okay,” sometimes I do feel like folks look at you a bit cross-eyed when you say you don’t enjoy what they do. If you want to enjoy bondage, you don’t always need to be into the full alphabet of letters, including “s” and “m”.

She also has some interesting thoughts in the full post on whether bdsm is abuse, which is very timely given the release of the 50 Shades Movie.

Check her out!

The Spicy Internet: The Good, the Bad, the Great, and the Awful…

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

The Internet is filled with Spicy Internet sites. Some folks even say it’s why the Internet exists!

I enjoy participating a social media site called FetLife. It bills itself as the BDSM and fetish community for kinksters by kinksters. And I think it does a pretty good job at that and it’s probably at the center of the spicy internet. Besides creating a profile for yourself, you can find and join groups of people who share your interests, and pitch right in on conversations and topics.

You won’t be surprised to find out I created and host a group there called, “Just in the Bedroom.” If you visit the site, drop by the group and say, “hi!”

But frankly, FetLife scares the hell out of the vanillas. (Vanillas being those who are new to spicy sex.)

When you first log in, after you create a stub profile, you are likely to see graphic and even extreme pictures from the first moment, mostly from advertiser banner ads along the right-side of the page, but also from the “Kinky and Popular” tab of the site. One ad that sticks in my mind is for an adult movie site, kink.com, that has a woman tied spread eagle to some sort of device, while a sex device plunges in and out of her. This is not 101-level stuff, and for someone whose speed is romance novels, well, it’s too much. People run the other direction.

Then, if you do stick around and join a group that sounds interesting, it is an unfortunate fact that some “lifestylers” enjoy shocking and scaring off the newbies. That the person had the courage to join at all was a big step and should be admired; instead, some folks can be be mean and insulting to people for asking basic questions. It’s a bit disappointing.

But, plenty of hardy souls do make it through, find interesting groups, and get immersed in the value of the site, from pictures and videos, discussion groups, and even find get-togethers and more in their local area. And that’s great.

Fetlife Envy

But some of us are not able or willing to play publicly. We aren’t going to go to a public dungeon and let it all hang out, for various reasons. And we maybe aren’t going to try some of the things we see other people blissfully trying and posting pics of online. Or maybe we want to, but our spouse isn’t willing.

And then comes the FetLife Envy.

FetLife Envy is when you want something you can’t have. And your primal sexual cave-man or -woman is crying out in frustration that you can’t have it.

I hit this myself when I started reading a series of post –that I found credible– by a guy who posted sort of a part-instructional, part-biographical series of writings on how he finds strong, mature female submissives, and trains them to become his sex slaves, to the point that he can make them orgasm with his voice alone. And he posts pictures, too. And I know enough to know that some people really do reach those kind of levels of… whatever you call it.

For my wife and me, our sex life has been slow for a long time given our other responsibilities and priorities, and time for spicy sex has been scarce. But to read about what he does and how he does it, and the levels of fulfillment and sexual satisfaction that he and his (many!) partners get is… frustrating.

I laugh while I say it, but things like this can cause issues, when the immature part of your brain starts screaming, “I want it! I want it!” And the answer is you can’t have it.

Another online friend of mine gets frustrated when she sees things others of her friends from the site are doing, and her husband can’t do to her… or, more the case, not as often or as much as she likes. She knows she gets more than most… but still wants more. Ah, the perils of the Spicy Internet…

So, just be aware of it, and keep a throttle on it. The Internet is good… and bad… and good… and bad.

Try to focus on the good, and be realistic.

Some recommended sites

There are a vast number of adult websites out there on the spicy internet. But here are a few ones I recommend that can help you build intimacy with your partner. These sites can also help you connect with other people like you as well as educate and entertain.

Literotica – Free, user-submitted Erotica. Quality is all over the place, but ratings help you find the better stories, and you can search by topic.,
Fetlife – This free site combines a social media site with endless user-created groups for discussion of any topic, from “Novices and Newbies” to… extreme things. Some of this is way beyond the spicy internet… but everyone can find a place there.
Voyeurweb / Redclouds – Amateur-submitted photos and videos. Voyeurweb is free but has more tame pictures. Redclouds is $24/year, but both the explicit pictures and my favorite forum discussion board on the Internet.
Psychology Today – Easily the most readable, interesting and enjoyable site that covers kink topics on the Internet. And no one even thinks it’s part of the spicy internet… but it definitely is. Check out topics under “Sex.” Free!

Bad people, and why you need to be careful

While this blog is written mainly for people in their middle years in long-term relationships, I still feel the need to say something to people who are single and looking for a partner about the BDSM community and potential partners out there:

You need to be very careful.

There are bad people out there. When you are dealing with fantasy stuff like bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism, you are dealing with somewhat extreme things. And there are people for whom this stuff isn’t extreme: it’s what they want and desire all the time.

I offer no apologies to the fetish community. It’s a fact, and one of the things that makes me uncomfortable about some of what I see is that there are clearly sociopathic, abusive and dangerous people out there. The community does talk, and munches (non-sexual happy hours, usually) do give people the chance to meet, and talk, and check up on each other. But there is still danger out there.

Also, there is rampant and reactive misogyny out there. Misogyny is hatred of women. As women exert more power in the workforce, the legal system and society, some men feel threatened. And they are looking to exploit women and don’t really care about others, just their own sexual satisfaction. Some of these guys are known as players, and there’s a whole subculture of guys out there who look to exploit women sexually, without looking for healthy relationships. Some of these guys would say they are just beating women at their own game, but I find the trend concerning. I guess it’s a natural reaction, but women need to educate themselves and be careful.

And what if you’re a woman in a long-term relationship and your significant other exhibits misogynistic behaviors? Well, you’re probably already having marriage issues beyond not feeling close, and looking at spicing up your sex life is not likely to help. Although it occurs to me that such women may not be dissatisfied with their relationships if they crave to be submissive. Of course, they probably aren’t reading this post anyway. So we’ll move along now.

Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Why Kink and Spicy Sex Still isn’t Accepted

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No Spicy Dice: My Partner is Not Interested in Kinky Sex

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan 1 Comment

What do you do if your partner just is not interested in kinky sex?

You probably got married before you really got interested in the steamy stuff. For most young couples, frequent sex is good enough. But over time, things cooled.

Maybe not just the intensity, but the frequency of the sex. Or maybe you just never had much of a sex life to begin with.

You started wanting to spice things up. And maybe you introduced the idea to your partner.

And each time, your partner wasn’t interested. The reasons could be anything… some of which were discussed in the previous post.

But in this post, let’s say that your partner just is not interested in kinky sex, and it’s been settled.

It’s a tough situation. What do you do?

First: are you still having sex at all?

If not, then you have bigger issues. If you’ve tried to talk to your spouse about it, and they won’t, then you really need to consider marriage counseling… because things often don’t just get better on their own. And a healthy marriage absolutely needs a healthy sex life as part of it. If you don’t have that, then one or both partners will be getting frustrated, resentful and angry, and may go looking for sex somewhere else.

Or possibly, the partner that doesn’t want sex may be getting it somewhere else. Possibly even with a member of the same sex.

Whatever the case, these issues need to be surfaced, and worked out. Relationships can’t survive dishonesty and lack of no connection. Or perhaps they can, but I personally don’t wish that kind of relationship on anyone.

Assuming you’ve worked things through and understand that your partner just doesn’t want kinky sex, but loves you and wants to continue having sex with you, what other options do you have?

There are some, such as Pamela Madsen, who feels okay going outside her marriage. That’s not for me, or us, and I find some of her rationalizations for her actions a… great stretch. But she kept her marriage with her husband even while taking on a dominant lover who fills her need for raunchy D/s sex, and her marriage to her husband seems strong.

But personally, I don’t think most of our marriages can survive spitting our attentions and affections beyond our spouse or partner, especially sexually. Others disagree. But in this blog, we’re looking at strengthening monogamous marriage.

You can read

How many wives read 50 Shades and suddenly found themselves desiring a more spicy relationship? Many, that’s how many. Much of our sex lives are in our brains. You can continue to read, and try to introduce small items into your vanilla lovemaking. “Hold my wrists.” “Tell me ‘I’m yours to do with as you please.'” “Let’s try this position.” Small things that your partner shouldn’t object to. Then, be diligent about verbally and physically expressing your pleasure and appreciation. Build that positive feedback loop. It pays off.

But he / she just can’t…

I had a lot of trouble getting over treating my wife like anything other than a lady and an equal in the bedroom.

In my case, it was that I was programmed as a child with a very feminist worldview. I don’t regret it… but it did impact our roleplay, and deep down, my wife hungered being taken and roughly used by a dominant man overcome by her sexuality and focused on nothing but satisfying his own urges.

It took me a long time, but finally I figured out the flip-side of the old trope, “submission gives her permission to be a dirty girl.” In my case, her acquiescence and desire for my dominance gave me permission to treat her like a dirty girl. That was huge, and the Rosetta stone for me. Because, frankly, I did want to. I wanted to see to my own needs and desires. But it had been drilled into me that you treat women as equals and not objects at all times.

But, one of the crazy revelations about BDSM –and why it’s getting so popular– is that deep down, at a primal level, we still have urges to treat each other in ways that aren’t politically correct. To quote the Eurthymics “Some of them want to use you / Some of them want to get used by you / Some of them want to abuse you / Some of them want to be abused.”

Some of us crave to dominate, some of us crave to submit… and sometimes, we even want the opposite when we’re with someone else.

There are theories that these are primal things wired into our brains, and while most of us are in the middle and generally just get along, some folks are more dominant and hunger to compete, win, and be in control, while others hunger to submit and serve.

There’s an interesting yin-and-yang. I have read that the person most interested in BDSM in the scene is almost always the powerful alpha male who craves submission, usually to a powerful woman. He seeks relief from his position of authority. And I think the same thing holds true for the many successful, strong women nowadays, who are always “on,” and seek an occasional respite from their heavy mantle of responsibilities by submitting in the bedroom.

Do you need it?

And if you’ve tried everything to get your spouse interested, and they just aren’t, you need to ask yourself if this is a need, or a want, and if you can satisfy your needs for connection, intimacy and sexual satisfaction in other ways. If you can’t, then there may be some hard conversations in your future.

Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: The Spicy Internet: The Good, the Bad, the Great, and the Awful…

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Is Bondage Wrong? Not if Wives Want a Strong Man in Bed and an Equal Partner the Rest of the Time.

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Sex Lives are Sucking.

Jen is a good girl. Good mom. Good wife. Good daughter. Good employee. She’s dedicated to everyone. Always on. Always thinking of others.

Her husband Mark is kind. Handsome. Attentive. Nice

And their sex life sucks.

They do it twice a week. Usually missionary after the kids go to sleep. Mark is gentle, loving, attentive to her needs. Usually she has a nice little orgasm, and falls asleep in Mark’s arms.

She’s bored.

Sometimes, she just wants Mark to tear off her clothes, throw her down, and fuck her hard.

Maybe even pull her hair, spank her ass.

Of course, Mark would never treat the mother of her children that way.

So, she feels empty. And sometimes a few of her girlfriends give hints of wild nights and just-the-grownups trips away, things that they do in the bedroom that she hasn’t done. They don’t seem to ask themselves, “is bondage wrong? And she feels jealous, and a bit disappointed, and even a bit angry.

But good girls don’t want to do those kind of things. Right?

Well, actually, they do.

Things are changing: Kinky Sex is going Mainstream

50 Shades was a phenomenon, with moms and girlfriends reading and talking about having that kind of sex with that kind of focused, hungry, dominant man.

Maybe Jen secretly read the book. But she knows that in her long relationship with Mark, that he is not going to change that much. And Christian Grey in the book was a new man; she is not about to start a new romance.

But Jen is wrong.

She can have a new man, and a new relationship. And that man can be her husband. She just doesn’t get this. While there might be some barriers for Mark to overcome, he’d probably be delighted to delight his wife. And he’ll benefit, too.

First, Jen needs to decide what she wants out of this. Sex is nice, but really, she wants some adventure… and to feel desired. To feel more intimacy with her husband. And to fulfill some dark fantasies she can’t even put words to, around being… lusted for… owned… and taken.

She wants to feel that desire that Mark had for her when they were first together. And, for a time, she wants to forget her roles and responsibilities, and be free to live in that moment. She wants the freedom to revel in herself and her own pleasure, which she really can’t do with her mind buzzing with all of her other roles and responsibilities.

Mark, concurrently, really wants similar things. Besides every guy’s drive for passionate sex, he wants to rekindle the romance with his wife. He wants to feel closer, and wants her to feel closer to him. And, ultimately, because he’s a good guy, he wants to please his wife, and give her what she desires.

Mark may have to overcome conditioning about how to treat a lady… and Jen about how she should expect to be treated. But the key here is that this is just-in-the-bedroom stuff. This is fun, and temporary, and something two people that care and even love each other do, with respect and trust.

How do they do this?

Roleplay.

How to have a Roleplay Session

Before a session, Jen and Mark agree who does what, as should you. It can be hard to ask for and discuss. But if one person is playing a king or queen, and the other the servant, it puts some distance between the people who they are in day-to-day life. And allows fantasies to be fulfilled.

It can be hard to ask. Before the session, you should agree to how things begin and end, and on safewords. (Safewords are special words that are used if things get too intense… often folks use “yellow” for “slow down!” and “red” for “Stop!”)

And if it’s hard to know what to do, you can do a checklist or read some erotic stories together. Maybe you identify a few things in advance that you might like to do or try. This way, both of you know what you’re getting into. And if there’s special equipment you have to get (“Honey, where’s your hairbrush?”) you guys can get things together ahead of time. And if both people know the limits and what’s expected, that reduces stress hugely.

If both people think of it as a scene in a play, that helps lower inhibitions. You’re playing roles, not yourselves, so you can do things you might not usually be comfortable saying or doing, as “it’s the character, not me!” That provides a bit of emotional distance from asking for things you want to try but are embarrassed to ask for.

I would guess that when the person who is fulfilling the request of their partner sees how sexually excited and enthusiastic the other person gets, well, there is no better positive reinforcement than that for continuing exploring.

The benefits are the excitement, fulfillment, and intimacy. Being able to share these things with your partner brings you closer. Maybe it’s an endorphin blast to your brain that makes you feel all goofy and happy… but, scientifically, isn’t that what love is, too?

Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Your Crazy Sexual Desires Don’t Make Sense. Enjoy ‘em Anyway!

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Fallen out of Love

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

“I love you… but I’m not in love with you.”

Those words are usually spoken by wives to their husbands, and it means it’s the end.

The woman has fallen out of love. And she doesn’t find him sexually attractive anymore.

There could be any number of reasons. The usual ones are that the couple grew apart, found flaws in their relationship, their priorities changed, or just couldn’t get along. More extreme reasons are abuse, infidelity, financial irresponsibility, or maybe the person just met someone else.

But, let’s think about the last item. Let’s suppose that the guy is a great husband who believes in equality and supports his wife. He vacuums, cooks, takes care of the kids. He encourages his wife to have her own career and interests, listens to her, rubs her neck. He doesn’t push sex on her when she’s tired and stressed. She starts thinking of him not just her husband… but her best friend.

And then she meets the testosterone-laden alpha male who may not do any of those things… but lights her fires like they haven’t been aflame in years. She obsesses on this new man… and gives her nice, caring husband the heave-ho.

Why?

They aren’t rational.

Or, let’s take the flip side of the coin. A guy has a wife who is perfect in every way… but he starts sleeping with a coworker who he’s fallen in love –and lust– with. He throws away his marriage and everything he had.

Again, why?

Hormones again.

Our hormones are addictive. They control us, subconsciously. And they impact both sexes equally.

They drive us to do stupid things for shitty reasons.

But there is an answer

And the answer is that both partners need to be honest with themselves and each other about what they want. And often, this means non-politically correct sex.

In the case of my wife and me, we have found that occasional roleplay in the bedroom resets the stresses of relationship of equals, recharges us, and gives us a cathartic outlet that brings balance to our relationship.

We don’t do it all the time, and we need our regular sexual connection as well. But me taking the dominant role, acting the alpha and giving her orders I expect obeyed lets my wife see me in a more masculine way that she secretly hungers for. And to trigger her enjoyment she has to make the mental shift to surrender and give up control… which is a hard thing for her to do, but ultimately is liberating and cathartic for her.

It’s been the answer for us, and increasingly, science is proving this out.

So, for those wives and husbands who have lost interest in their partner, who have fallen out of love or are risk of doing so, I firmly believe an occasional session of such roleplay does wonders, and can heal some of what is potentially fatally stressing the relationship.

And with that, we end this series of posts.

The next series of posts is called Spicing Things Up: Ignite your Passion! The first post explains what folks enjoy about spicy sex and things that aren’t politically correct but which are bringing back the spark in marriages and relationships.

Read the first post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Why Do People Like the Spicy Sex Stuff?

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