How Do I Get My Husband to Dominate Me?

Interest your Partner in the Exhilaration of Spicy Sex and Kink

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

You want to explore the kinky stuff because:

You’re feeling empty
You’re bored
You have these desires, these things you want to experience!
You’re not feeling close to your partner
You want to bring back the intimacy

But what about your partner? How do they feel about it?

I like to think that most people are open-minded and have some sense of adventure, and would like to try new things.

But some people are resistant, for predictable reasons. Maybe these things seem immoral or against their religion or values. Maybe they feel that these are not things that nice people do. Or that if their family or friends found out, they’d be judged harshly.

Maybe, there’s even some of the Madonna-Whore thing that some men have, including some men that I know, where some men can’t bring themselves to have raunchy sex with their bride and mother of their children, because they consider it dirty and they don’t want to soil their woman with their carnal desires

It’s a shame, because they are both denying themselves and their wives a more satisfying relationship. It’s at least partially religion- and family-based. And also, these same men are more prone to take on mistresses on the side, with whom they can have raunchy sex without it impacting their conscience. How that’s better is a pretty impressive piece of rationalization. But in my opinion (and some disagree) fidelity to your spouse is critical to your relationship, and having a secret mistress is not cool. Although, such marriages do tend to last, as divorce is also very frowned upon in such families. But anyway, if I were the wife and mother in such a relationship, I’d insist my husband not stray, and not deny me the sex life I deserve.

How about a spouse that’s just really straight… not interested in trying anything that isn’t missionary. That one can be tough, as again, morality and expectations get all wrapped up in there. I’d suggest in such a case you start slow, and introduce things very slowly, one at a time, getting your spouse used to things before introducing the next. I was chatting online with someone who had a very traditional girlfriend, and sex was dull… until one night, he reached up and put a hand on her throat as he entered her. This triggered something primal in her, and opened up the door to trying new things, with enthusiasm on her part. They never called it what it was, which was rough sex or even dominance and submission, but it worked for them.

If you’re a wife with unadventurous husband, you can introduce lingerie and candles and other tame things, until one night when he’s excited you pull out a little vibrator and ask him to use it on you… or perhaps lay yourself over his lap and say you’ve been naughty and he should spank you a bit before you’ve earned the main course. He may be shocked, but if he loves you and wants to please you, he’ll do it. Your job is to give him lots of positive reinforcement as he makes each tentative step… show him and tell him how excited you are and how pleasurable you find it… and your excitement should be contagious. And he’ll be thinking about it afterwards, and will want to do it again.

If your partner raises objections that he or she doesn’t feel right about it, then you may have to stand up for yourself, and say that you feel fine about it, and you have needs and desires, too… and that you never feel closer than when you share such things.

The flat out refusal

That’s hard. It happens. But seriously… not often. And you have to ask yourself, what have you got to lose? You have a right to feel fulfilled in your marriage and sex life, and we all need our needs filled. If your spouse can’t fill them, then who can? If you need to, talk to a counselor on this one topic to get over it.

Judging

The absolute worst-case scenario is that your spouse judges your requests and desires as immoral and wrong, and treats you as if you are doing something wrong. In most of the Western World, this isn’t so likely. But it could and does happen.

So what do you do?

Honestly, it depends on how much of a partnership your marriage really is.

If it is an old-world marriage, with the man in charge and no negotiation possible, then your options are limited. But, alternately, you may have married a person in a conservative culture who is like you, and is happy and relieved to be able to explore their desires with their life-mate.

And one thing about conservative cultures that works to our advantage is that what people do behind closed doors is their own business; people don’t want to know, but they also believe in independence and freedom of choice, even if they don’t agree with that choice.

The attitude is, “My house, my rules.” So, you need to figure out how to get your partner to adopt the rules you like.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: No Spicy Dice: My Partner is Not Interested in Kinky Sex

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Your Crazy Sexual Desires Don’t Make Sense. Enjoy ’em Anyway!

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Our Crazy Sexual Desires

If my wife wanted me to put on a clown costume and honk a horn in bed… well, that ain’t workin’ for me. At all. Although I apologize if that’s your kink.

But, I’d do it for her.

Honestly, what gives me the biggest thrill is her excitement. If something circus-related got her steamy and then acting something out pushed her into the explosion of a monumental orgasm… well, crap. Okay. I’ll do it.

That’s one of the secrets of kink.

We don’t always know why things turn us on, or what turns our partner on… but if it does, and fulfilling a person’s fantasy in the bedroom makes them blissfully happy and no one is getting hurt… then why the hell wouldn’t you?

The payoff is that you make your partner happy, which should make you happy. It brings you closer. There are those inscrutable brain chemicals that get released when we finally satisfy an appetite that we’ve had, especially one that doesn’t get fed often.

Those Crazy Sexual Desires Actually Aren’t So Crazy

Maybe what turns you on is being given permission to forget your normal roles and responsibilities, and giving up control.

Or, maybe the opposite, getting the chance to be the powerful person seeing to one’s own desires and hungers without thinking about everyone else for a change.

Maybe it’s embracing and rejoicing in that which you fear most in a safe, roleplay session.

Maybe it’s the combination of pain and pleasure, which get mixed up together and confused in the brain, providing a greater climax.

It could be taking on the attributes of another gender or role and having the freedom to embrace something that seems forbidden for family, cultural or values reasons, but which you find gives you a sexual charge.

Whatever it is that turns you on… it’s okay, really. As long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else and doesn’t control your life.

In the next post, we talk about specific things you and your partner might like to explore in your sex lives. We’re gettin’ to the really good stuff now!

Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Explore Kink: Ten Spicy Sex Life Improvers for Couples!

Is Bondage Wrong? Not if Wives Want a Strong Man in Bed and an Equal Partner the Rest of the Time.

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Sex Lives are Sucking.

Jen is a good girl. Good mom. Good wife. Good daughter. Good employee. She’s dedicated to everyone. Always on. Always thinking of others.

Her husband Mark is kind. Handsome. Attentive. Nice

And their sex life sucks.

They do it twice a week. Usually missionary after the kids go to sleep. Mark is gentle, loving, attentive to her needs. Usually she has a nice little orgasm, and falls asleep in Mark’s arms.

She’s bored.

Sometimes, she just wants Mark to tear off her clothes, throw her down, and fuck her hard.

Maybe even pull her hair, spank her ass.

Of course, Mark would never treat the mother of her children that way.

So, she feels empty. And sometimes a few of her girlfriends give hints of wild nights and just-the-grownups trips away, things that they do in the bedroom that she hasn’t done. They don’t seem to ask themselves, “is bondage wrong? And she feels jealous, and a bit disappointed, and even a bit angry.

But good girls don’t want to do those kind of things. Right?

Well, actually, they do.

Things are changing: Kinky Sex is going Mainstream

50 Shades was a phenomenon, with moms and girlfriends reading and talking about having that kind of sex with that kind of focused, hungry, dominant man.

Maybe Jen secretly read the book. But she knows that in her long relationship with Mark, that he is not going to change that much. And Christian Grey in the book was a new man; she is not about to start a new romance.

But Jen is wrong.

She can have a new man, and a new relationship. And that man can be her husband. She just doesn’t get this. While there might be some barriers for Mark to overcome, he’d probably be delighted to delight his wife. And he’ll benefit, too.

First, Jen needs to decide what she wants out of this. Sex is nice, but really, she wants some adventure… and to feel desired. To feel more intimacy with her husband. And to fulfill some dark fantasies she can’t even put words to, around being… lusted for… owned… and taken.

She wants to feel that desire that Mark had for her when they were first together. And, for a time, she wants to forget her roles and responsibilities, and be free to live in that moment. She wants the freedom to revel in herself and her own pleasure, which she really can’t do with her mind buzzing with all of her other roles and responsibilities.

Mark, concurrently, really wants similar things. Besides every guy’s drive for passionate sex, he wants to rekindle the romance with his wife. He wants to feel closer, and wants her to feel closer to him. And, ultimately, because he’s a good guy, he wants to please his wife, and give her what she desires.

Mark may have to overcome conditioning about how to treat a lady… and Jen about how she should expect to be treated. But the key here is that this is just-in-the-bedroom stuff. This is fun, and temporary, and something two people that care and even love each other do, with respect and trust.

How do they do this?

Roleplay.

How to have a Roleplay Session

Before a session, Jen and Mark agree who does what, as should you. It can be hard to ask for and discuss. But if one person is playing a king or queen, and the other the servant, it puts some distance between the people who they are in day-to-day life. And allows fantasies to be fulfilled.

It can be hard to ask. Before the session, you should agree to how things begin and end, and on safewords. (Safewords are special words that are used if things get too intense… often folks use “yellow” for “slow down!” and “red” for “Stop!”)

And if it’s hard to know what to do, you can do a checklist or read some erotic stories together. Maybe you identify a few things in advance that you might like to do or try. This way, both of you know what you’re getting into. And if there’s special equipment you have to get (“Honey, where’s your hairbrush?”) you guys can get things together ahead of time. And if both people know the limits and what’s expected, that reduces stress hugely.

If both people think of it as a scene in a play, that helps lower inhibitions. You’re playing roles, not yourselves, so you can do things you might not usually be comfortable saying or doing, as “it’s the character, not me!” That provides a bit of emotional distance from asking for things you want to try but are embarrassed to ask for.

I would guess that when the person who is fulfilling the request of their partner sees how sexually excited and enthusiastic the other person gets, well, there is no better positive reinforcement than that for continuing exploring.

The benefits are the excitement, fulfillment, and intimacy. Being able to share these things with your partner brings you closer. Maybe it’s an endorphin blast to your brain that makes you feel all goofy and happy… but, scientifically, isn’t that what love is, too?

Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Your Crazy Sexual Desires Don’t Make Sense. Enjoy ‘em Anyway!

Fallen out of Love

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

“I love you… but I’m not in love with you.”

Those words are usually spoken by wives to their husbands, and it means it’s the end.

The woman has fallen out of love. And she doesn’t find him sexually attractive anymore.

There could be any number of reasons. The usual ones are that the couple grew apart, found flaws in their relationship, their priorities changed, or just couldn’t get along. More extreme reasons are abuse, infidelity, financial irresponsibility, or maybe the person just met someone else.

But, let’s think about the last item. Let’s suppose that the guy is a great husband who believes in equality and supports his wife. He vacuums, cooks, takes care of the kids. He encourages his wife to have her own career and interests, listens to her, rubs her neck. He doesn’t push sex on her when she’s tired and stressed. She starts thinking of him not just her husband… but her best friend.

And then she meets the testosterone-laden alpha male who may not do any of those things… but lights her fires like they haven’t been aflame in years. She obsesses on this new man… and gives her nice, caring husband the heave-ho.

Why?

They aren’t rational.

Or, let’s take the flip side of the coin. A guy has a wife who is perfect in every way… but he starts sleeping with a coworker who he’s fallen in love –and lust– with. He throws away his marriage and everything he had.

Again, why?

Hormones again.

Our hormones are addictive. They control us, subconsciously. And they impact both sexes equally.

They drive us to do stupid things for shitty reasons.

But there is an answer

And the answer is that both partners need to be honest with themselves and each other about what they want. And often, this means non-politically correct sex.

In the case of my wife and me, we have found that occasional roleplay in the bedroom resets the stresses of relationship of equals, recharges us, and gives us a cathartic outlet that brings balance to our relationship.

We don’t do it all the time, and we need our regular sexual connection as well. But me taking the dominant role, acting the alpha and giving her orders I expect obeyed lets my wife see me in a more masculine way that she secretly hungers for. And to trigger her enjoyment she has to make the mental shift to surrender and give up control… which is a hard thing for her to do, but ultimately is liberating and cathartic for her.

It’s been the answer for us, and increasingly, science is proving this out.

So, for those wives and husbands who have lost interest in their partner, who have fallen out of love or are risk of doing so, I firmly believe an occasional session of such roleplay does wonders, and can heal some of what is potentially fatally stressing the relationship.

And with that, we end this series of posts.

The next series of posts is called Spicing Things Up: Ignite your Passion! The first post explains what folks enjoy about spicy sex and things that aren’t politically correct but which are bringing back the spark in marriages and relationships.

Read the first post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Why Do People Like the Spicy Sex Stuff?

Discussing your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 3: Other Ideas for Discussing the Sensitive Sex Topic of Spicy Sex

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Discussing anything about Sex at All can be a Sensitive Sex Topic

Are you someone who simply cannot talk to your partner about sex?

Or, vice versa, is it too uncomfortable your partner?

Some people find it hard to believe that anyone has issues just talking about sex.

Others can’t believe that people talk about such personal things without shame.

And some of these people are even married to each other! So, find your comfort level.

Let’s say you’ve read a romance novel that gave you the idea that you might like to be spanked. Unfortunately, you’re married to a man who you are sure would find the entire idea horrifying. Perhaps he would consider it abuse and an unconscionable display of patriarchal gender roles. Or, perhaps he might see it as something that’s just too “dirty” to even consider. But if you don’t talk about this sensitive sex topic, you’ll never get your needs met.

So, if you have trouble talking about your sex life, you have some thinking to do.

You’re not going to die if he doesn’t put you over his knee some time and sensually spanks your butt until it’s pink and you’re steaming with desire. But you sure would like it if he would! How can you get him to fulfill your fantasy and see to your needs, without going against his sincere beliefs and comfort levels?

As with all this stuff, try to keep it light and playful. Which is hard sometimes, given your pounding heart as you try to get out the words. Perhaps you can just say, “Pretend to spank me,” and when he sees how much you like it, it’ll open the door to more and better.

What are the sexual issues you need to talk about?

Or maybe you’ve been feeling that Saturday Night missionary is just… dull. You’re feeling sexually unfulfilled, disconnected from your partner, and are wondering why he’s not seeing to your needs. You’ll have to cater your suggestion to your partner, but you have to ask or show him what you want, if you have any hope of getting it.

Conversely, you may be a man married to a woman who over time has come to just see sex as another one of her duties, not to be enjoyed, and is non-orgasmic. Maybe you just want her to be enthusiastic, an active participant, to enjoy having sex. If something like that applies to you, then it’s time for the tough talk. Explain how you see sex as vital to feeling fulfilled in your marriage, and if your partner understands and wants to make you happy. If so, you can open up the talk to some of the things you might want to try… and you can try to get things out of her.

And, if she continues to refuse to consider improving your sex life together, then you’ll have to insist on her seeing a doctor to rule out physical issues, a therapist if there are no physical issues, or a marriage counselor to help you work through your issues together. Or perhaps you should see a marriage counselor first, if that feels right. But you only go through life once, you should be making the most of it, and you shouldn’t be denied the sexual aspect of your existence.

And ladies, exactly the same thing applies if it is your man who is having issues of lack of sexual desire.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 1: The No Sex Marriage

Basic Spicy Sex Checklist

Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 2: The Spicy Sex Checklist

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan 1 Comment

Let’s say that your partner has agreed to up their game and try new things. And you might have an idea of things that you want to do right away.

However, those things may be way too much for your spouse first thing. Likewise, there might be some things your spouse might be open to, that you’re not ready for.

What to do?

Thanks to the Internet, the answer is simple, and accessible.

Sit down one night, and go through a sexual checklist.

There are lots of them out there. Below, I’ve provided links to three. The first is a lot less likely to freak your spouse out if they’re a bit sheltered. The second checklist gets into more adventurous stuff. And the last checklist is a complete and detailed lists of activities you may never have heard of. You might have to Google some of the terms. I did.

But the idea is to go through the list together, and to see which items you each might want to try… and even better, find a few that you’re both enthusiastic about trying. That is a great place to start.

Intermediate Spicy Sex Checklist

Whoa! Crazy Kinky Spicy Sex Checklist

You can look through these, and copy and paste just the sections you want to review with your partner. And you can even tell them there’s more for another time.

And of course, there are plenty of books out there on all kinds of sexual topics, and you can order them online so you don’t have to be embarrassed at the bookstore checkout line. The disadvantage is that shoving a book at your partner with a request that they read it has a low probability of them actually reading. In my opinion, you’re better off with a finite task you do together.

Plus… if you do it right, it should be fun! It will certainly be educational. I will always remember going through a similar list with my wife a decade or so back. I think my jaw dropped. “You want to do that?? Uh… okay!!! I’ll do it!”

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 3: Other Ideas for Discussing The Sensitive Topic of Spicy Sex

Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 1

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Know what you’re asking for

So… you have an idea of how you want to spice things up in the bedroom. Maybe you…

Read 50 Shades, and got turned on by the focus, assertiveness and masculinity of Mr. Gray…
Saw an article in Cosmo that gave you the idea to try something you’d never have considered before…
Heard of the guys at the bar mention that his new girlfriend is crazy for anal…
Saw a commercial on TV for a hotel with a heart-shaped tub…
Want to visit a Gentleman’s Club in Vegas…
Want to experiment with toys, bondage, or spanking?

And now… you’re terrified to bring the subject up with your spouse.

But getting the sex you want requires discussing your desires with your partner. Even if it’s hard.

If you don’t ask, the answer is always “No.”

On the plus side, at least you know what turns you on.

So, if you want it, you have to ask for it. Your spouse can’t read your mind.

But… maybe you’re afraid of being rejected?

Well, if you don’t ask, you’ll always be rejected. And remember, timing is everything.

Or, it may be a case that you’re just embarrassed, or afraid of being judged.

But gals, trust me, in most cases men will be delighted to try anything sexual you’d like to explore. Heck, we’ll be incredibly grateful you told us, and trusted us… and will feel closer to you for your just asking!

And the same might go for guys talking to their partners, as well.

If afraid your straight-and-narrow partner might reject you, then think of how to introduce the idea to them in a non-threatening way.

Sometimes, just the right tone of voice goes a long way.

Saying lightly, “Ya know, I’ve always kinda wanted to try that. Ha ha! Isn’t that crazy? But it turns me on.” You didn’t ask or push her for whatever it might be, and at worst, they might say no way, Jose. But there’s a chance they might say yes.

If she says no, it raises the opportunity to ask, again in a non-threatening way, “Really? Why wouldn’t you do that?” She might raise legitimate concerns and objections… and chances are, they’re more about her and how she’s afraid you might view her if she did that thing, than anything having to do with you. But it gives you the chance to start the discussion, and maybe you can convince her to give it a try some time.

And, again, if you don’t ask, then the answer is always, “No.”

So, talking is always the first thing to do. But timing is everything. Perhaps after the kids are asleep on a Saturday, in front of the fire, with a bottle of wine.

And see what you can find out that they might like to try, too.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 2: The Checklist

Marriage, Part 4: Fix Relationship Anger with Communication and Compromise

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

I once worked with a highly-competent woman of impressive accomplishments and bearing. She was a former military officer and graduate of one of the US Military Academies. She had, in many ways, been dealt a good hand in life. She had a job she felt was important, was well compensated, and spent her weeks traveling to see clients and consulting with Fortune 500 Executives.

As her 10^th Anniversary approached, she asked her husband what he wanted.

“A divorce,” he responded.

She was shocked, and devastated. But that was a stellar example of where unresolved conflict, seething anger and a total lack of communication –as well as an understanding that anything was even wrong—led to a divorce.

Relationship fixes

If we are married, we can’t let things get to that point.

We are partners. We need to have discussions about what our priorities are, and also how to communicate and talk. Anger can’t be bottled up and ignored. We need to look to our own happiness, and that of our partner’s, and we need to talk about it and work together to make sure we each are getting what we need.

We need to nourish each other. Because, if we’re in a long-term monogamous relationship, we have no one else who can nourish us in some many ways.

We need to clearly understand what’s a must-have, and a nice-to-have, both for ourselves and for our partner. And we need to make sure we each get what we need to be happy, as best we can.

Marriage is not just about compromise. Sometimes, it’s about giving, selflessly.

I have a couple college buddies who are my closest friends. When we get together, it’s joyful, fun, good for my soul. My wife wants me to see them, but she absolutely cannot stand any of their wives, for various reasons.

So, once or twice a year, I see one or more of them for a boy’s weekend, sometimes with our sons. I get what I need, and my wife avoids a weekend of misery. We’re all winners. And when I get home, I treat her like a queen, grateful to her for giving me something I value so much.

My wife feels she’s giving selflessly, letting me go away a couple times a year. Me, I feel more like we reached a compromise, where we’re both winners. Whatever the case, it’s worked out well.

And when she’s insistent that she wants a new couch, or volunteers me to work at the school carnival, I make every effort to give her what she wants.

My personal philosophy is that if your spouse really wants something, let them have it, within reason, and as long as things are roughly (but not obsessively) equitable. We’re partners, and I want to make her happy.

In a good relationship, we should both want the other person to be happy. If my wife really wants me to take out the trash every night, or get the kids fed and out the door in the mornings, or listen to her intently as she talks about her day, I will do my best in each case. (Although I admit I totally blow at the last item.) I could put a altruistic spin on it, and say that her happiness is important to me, and it is… but I’ll also admit that selfishly, her unhappiness directly impacts me as well.

But –and this is a critical point– I have to be careful. If I do everything she wants all the time, and subordinate my wants and needs to hers all the time, then our marriage is no longer equal: it’s the opposite, with her dominant. And there are significant negatives to that we’ll discuss in the next post.

Also, doing whatever she wants can become expected… and thus no longer appreciated. So, I have to be firm and say no sometimes, which can lead to a fight. While it’s important to me to make her happy, I also need to remember that she needs to be fair and reasonable. And that certainly goes both ways.

The barometer of a healthy marriage: Sex

When you’re angry with your partner, do you want to have sex? Probably not. You’re too hurt, or you deliberately shun your partner to punish them. You don’t feel sexy, or in the mood, or you look at your partner, and just see the person that wronged you. Feeling negative towards your partner, perhaps you notice other things about them that you don’t like as well.

So, how’s your sex life? Are you having much sex? Or are anger and other issues getting in the way?

Sex increases your intimacy, brings you closer to each other, or that makes each of you feel loved. It’s sex where you’re doing things to each other, and for yourself, rather than for each other. Maybe it will clear the emotions and afterwards you can talk openly, and if so, well, maybe that’s okay.

If you’re so upset with each other that you can’t have sex, you need to talk. Defuse some of the anger. And I would suggest that as soon as you can, you get together sexually. There is no more intimate act than sex.

Sex is a critical part of marriage and relationships, and makes both people feel loved and accepted.

As such, it’s a vital part of nourishing a relationship.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Marriage, Part 5: I’m Just Not Feeling the Spark Anymore. I’m feeling Unfulfilled.

Marriage, Part 3: Anger, Conflict and Communication

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Are you angry?

Or is your partner angry with you?

If so, then you have to address that before you can work on any other part of your relationship.

Marriage Anger

If it has gotten to the point where one or both of you are always angry, then you’ve got serious issues. Are you committed to working them out? If so, consider a marriage counselor. If you’re not willing to see a marriage counselor, are you willing to work on your issues? And is your spouse? Honestly, can you actually sit down and work things out? If not, then your relationship may be done.

What if you’ve got occasional things that lead to anger? In such cases, then there is an emotional trigger being tripped. Can you talk about it?

Why are we getting into this?

Because it’s hard to feel and be intimate with another person when we’re angry.

When we’re angry, we feel wronged. Misunderstood. Uncared for. Betrayed.

How can you feel close to a person who treats you that way?

You have to work those things out before anything else.

And these conversations are hard, often with a lot of related and unrelated things feeding into them.

A typical example of relationship conflict, anger and communication problems

Jane has to stay late at work to get a presentation done for the Board the next day. Joe left work on time, and was able to get the kids from after care, get them fed, homework done, and clean up the kitchen and get some laundry put away, then gets the kids bathed and in bed. He was supposed to go over to a friend’s house to watch a big playoff game, but can’t since Jane’s still at work. Some time after ten he finally grabs a beer and plops down to watch the second half of the game. Jane doesn’t get home until nearly eleven o’clock, and when she does, she’s tired, irritable and hungry. Joe is upstairs and has left a few lights on for her.

She notices the kids shoes piled up by the door, and that the counter hasn’t been wiped, and there’s nothing on the stove for her.

Joe had figured she’d have eaten, so had cleaned up the leftovers.

She grabs something out of the fridge, and stomps up the stairs, noticing dirty socks on the landing and a Nerf gun on the fourth step from the top. When she enters the bedroom, she sees Joe, in his underwear, feet up, drinking a beer.

A half-filled laundry basket is sitting by her bureau, filled with her laundry waiting for her to put away.

Joe looks up as she enters. “Hey! Welcome home!”

She draws a deep breath… and lets him have it.

Her Point of View

She is exhausted, has worked fourteen hours, and left a clean house. When she gets home, he doesn’t even have the courtesy to come meet her, or to leave her something to eat. He left a huge mess, and just expects her to put her laundry away when she’d have preferred if he had left it where she didn’t have to look at it. And after her day, he’s sitting there on his ass, drinking a beer??!

His Point of View

He busted his ass tonight. He had other plans that he had to cancel, but he didn’t complain, not one word. He got the kids totally squared away, and even did some extra stuff, putting away all the laundry except her stuff, which he could never figure out where it went anyway. He’s feeling pretty good and virtuous, if disappointed, and when Jane walks in the room, he greets her cheerfully… only to get blasted. Now his feelings are hurt and he feels betrayed, when he feels he not just stepped up but went above and beyond.

What Happened?

Different points of view, different expectations, and then load on that stress and exhaustion.

Joe didn’t think about what Jane might be feeling when she came home… nor that she might be hungry or want him to meet her. But neither did Jane ask for those things.

Jane didn’t think about what Joe might be feeling… how, from his point of view, he had been a good husband. She only looked at the negatives, and in her exhaustion didn’t –and probably couldn’t—take the step back she needed to to realize how Joe might feel.

The Result

Joe has a couple options here. He can counter Jane’s emotional assertions with his own heated responses. Or, he can disengage and stew silently. Or, he can listen to Jane, hear her, and try to respond in a way that acknowledges her feelings without escalating. This takes some emotional maturity –inside, he may be screaming that he’s been wronged—but it’s the best course. And then, later, he can explain his point of view, after she knows he cares enough to listen to her and her feelings. Ultimately, Jane wants to be heard.

Jane needs to then listen to Joe after he has listened to her, and let her own stress and anger go.

If, instead, Joe and Jane fight, with neither listening to the other, managing emotions and seeing the point of view of the other, the likely result is anger, stony silences, hurt feelings, and more fights. Let it go long enough, and it can actually kill the relationship entirely.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Marriage, Part 4: Fix Relationship Anger with Communication and Compromise

Marriage, Part 2: What is a Happy Marriage?

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Maybe when you read Part 1 on Marriage, you thought, “Yeah, yeah. People can get out of marriages, and do if they’re not happy. Got it. And you think marriage is great, yada, yada. Great. Well, my marriage isn’t so great. What’s this nonsense about nourishing it, already?

Well, let’s say there are three states of marriage:

Happy,
Unhappy and
one with Warning Signs.

Let me ask you: What are the signs of a happy marriage?

Take a moment and think about it before you read on.

Okay, ready? Here’s my list. See how much you overlap.

The Signs of a Happy Marriage

You’re not unhappy. Okay, it’s answering the question with the question. But it’s true.
You feel you have a shared purpose and are working together to get there.
You look forward to spending time with each other.
You listen to each other.
You do things for each other to make each other happy.
You hold hands.
When you disagree, you try not to get upset, you try to find a way to work things out.
Your arguments focus more on understanding each other than proving who’s right.
You don’t always have to agree, you respect your differences.
You encourage each other to have your own interests, friends and hobbies.
Your sex life is good in both quality and quantity.
You say “I love you.”
You are interested in each other.
You are proud to be married to each other.
You make time for each other.
You talk about what’s important to each other, and make sure each person is getting what they need.

What does an unhappy marriage look like? Well, just take the opposites of the list above.

And a marriage with Warning Signs? Every case is different, but let’s say it’s that you can’t say yes to all of the above.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Marriage, Part 3: Anger, Conflict and Communication

Marriage, Part 1: Nourish your Relationship Emotionally, Mentally and Physically

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

This is Part 1 of a six-part post on long-term committed relationships, which for simplicity’s sake I will call Marriage, although I understand there are other kinds of relationships, too.

Part 1 is on what’s unique about these kinds of relationships, the benefits, and the special challenges of nourishing them. Really, it’s about marriage benefits, which we don’t say enough about in today’s world.

Part 2 is on what makes a long-term relationship happy. I believe that if you can define something, you can then work towards achieving it.

Part 3 discusses anger, conflict and communication, and how left unaddressed, it can kill a marriage.

Part 4 is about the long-term impact of anger, conflict and poor communications.

Part 5 is about when the spark and passion is gone in marriage.

Part 6 is Reconnecting sexually in a marriage of equals.

“I brought my wife flowers; she was delighted.”

“I brought my wife flowers every day; it became expected.”

“My husband bought me nothing because we could afford nothing. But he made time to listen to me and talk with me every night while he rubbed my neck.”

“My wife won’t have sex with me, she says she’s too tired every night.”

“My husband makes sure that I always have a full tank of gas.”

“My husband doesn’t come home until after I’m asleep most nights, spending every night with his friends at the bar.”

“My life partner came home early from work to make sure I could go out to girl’s night.”

These are examples of things that are seen as nourishing –or hurting– a relationship.

There’s more to a relationship than small gestures that show you care.

Keeping the spark alive takes work. Dammit.

I believe that as hard as it may be at times, being married is one of life’s greatest rewards.

Marriage is a relationship unlike any other, with you and your partner each committed to each other for life. It’s often hard, and there will always be. But life is much richer when you are each able to wholly trust and rely on each other, when you have a shared purpose, and when each other’s happiness is important to each other.

Ultimately, we are all alone; having someone to share our lives with, happy moments and sad, joyful and stressful, makes everything so much better. I truly believe that shared joy is more joyful, and shared pain more bearable. There is no one else I want to spend my life with than my wife.

Sadly, most marriages in the United States end in divorce. Increasingly, people don’t even see the point in getting married.

Why is this?

Lots of columnists, scientists, marriage counselors and ill-informed bloggers (like this one!) have their opinions. But my opinion is that in this society, people have gravitated more and more to seeking their own happiness and self-interest, and are less interested in committing to marriages that don’t fully provide those benefits.

More, couples today expect to be nourished in their relationships. Emotionally, mentally, physically. But often, people don’t nourish each other very well.

In the old days, people stayed married, even if they weren’t happy. Now, people bail.

More, people used to need to stay married to support a family. And kids were a pretty sure-fire product of having sex, which people wanted to have. And we shouldn’t underestimate men’s desire to have sex: if sex was what was required to have sex, then men were going to get married.

With birth control, sex is more available. This undercuts the one rationale for marriage, both for men and women.

And women now have their own careers and incomes, and don’t need to get married to be able to support their children. Although it certainly helps.

Additionally, although some may disagree, the growth of government public assistance assures that there is some minimum level of basic human needs being provided for children and families who are destitute. Being on welfare isn’t anyone’s first choice, but for some, it does provide a safety net that allows women to provide for their children… and get out of bad marriages if they absolutely have to, or not marry a poor choice of partners at all.

Partners need to know, and discuss, what each of them need and expect in their relationship, to be nourished. And even with marriage and relationships being easier to terminate, really, we all want our relationships not just to last, but to thrive, where we each provide what the other person needs.

This, I would put forward, is the definition of happiness. Where you’re getting what you need. I believe that we all need other people, and in particular, we need the love, commitment, affection, respect and companionship of one person in particular, our life partner. We are born wanting this connection, this partnership. And if even if you’ve had relationships that have gone bad or left you scarred, you still want a person to spend your time with. Perhaps the term “soul-mate” is overused and too romantic. But no one should have to be alone, and having been very alone in my own life, I know how much I value what my gal gives me, every day, even if she’s having a bad day and yelling at me.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Marriage, Part 2: What is a Happy Marriage?

Bring Back the Spark in your Relationship with These Tips!

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

To feel like having sex, a woman needs to feel loved. To feel loved, a man needs to have sex.

In the past 50 years, gender roles have been reinvented, with women following career paths outside the home and becoming breadwinners. Meanwhile, men are taking on more domestic duties, sharing childrearing, and even giving up careers in favor of their wives’ careers.

On one hand, women like and demand this equality.

On the other hand, somewhere in the subconscious, this can make women less interested in having sex, as recently reported in the New York Times. Deep down inside, most women want their men to be manly, and seeing their men being domestic can temper their sexual interest.

It’s a Catch-22 for men, or at least those who wish to try to live by new egalitarian expectations.

And it’s not one that can be cured by being nicer, bringing more flowers and gifts, or doing more around the house to help take more stress off our wives.

How do we bring back the spark, improve intimacy and build closeness?

Sex is part of it. If you aren’t having a satisfying sex life, neither partner is feeling good. Intimacy is down. And it flows through to the rest of your relationship.

We all have different aspects of ourselves that we need to nourish. If we are out of balance, with some parts of ourselves being unsatisfied, it ripples through to the rest of lives and our relationships.

Let’s use a bad analogy. Let’s suppose we’re a tree. (Admittedly, sometimes us guys are difficult to distinguish from plant life.) To thrive, we need water, soil, air, and sunlight. We also need warm weather and to not be in the path of a bulldozer. If all of those conditions are met, we’re pretty happy flora, doing our thing, photosynthesizing, adding rings, providing shade, maybe giving off fruit.

But, if aren’t getting what we need, we can wither and die, sometimes very quickly.

Our relationships are the same.

If we’re getting love, affection, emotional support, shared purpose, appreciation, the satisfaction of a mutually rewarding relationship, as well as regular and good sex, then we’re probably doing pretty well.

But, if we’re missing some or all of these things, we are under stress.

If we’ve built up goodwill in our relationship, then a bad day now and then happens and is no big deal. But repeated bad days that turn into bad weeks, months and years can lead to the end of a relationship.

If our spouse doesn’t appreciate us, or we just feel that way, maybe we stop giving appreciation back. We stop talking. Little resentments build up, and silence grows.

Negative feedback loops build.

Relationships wither. Intimacy ends. Sex stops. And maybe the marriage implodes.

So what’s the answer?

The answer, simply, is that to bring back the spark we all need to look at the different aspects of our relationships constantly, and do the work that’s required to keep things healthy.

And, as hard as it may be, sometimes we have to have hard talks.

We have to communicate.

If something is bothering you, or your spouse, you have to talk about it.

Personally, I hate conflict.

I also hate talking about my feelings and emotions. But we have to.

We have to talk about our expectations. So often, we never do.

We also have to talk about how we talk

Sometimes, my wife might tell me, not so nicely, “pick that up and put it in the trashcan.”

This causes a waterfall of thoughts and emotions in me.

To her, it’s just a reasonable, instinctual request to me to keep our home looking clean, that of course I’d just do.

To me, it’s an affront to my primitive brain and manhood. I feel like she’s ordering me around, and implying that I’m an idiot, irresponsible and uncaring. If I say something, she’ll also feel I’m unreasonable, oversensitive and a jerk. To her, it was a simple request. Me, I saw it as an order. And I am not her subordinate to be ordered around.

But we can work it out; I can explain how it made me feel, and why, and next time, she’ll instead say, “Could you remember to throw that in the trashcan when you’re done? You know how clutter drives me crazy.” She makes it a request, and explains why she it’s important to her. It’s no longer just an order.

We’ve had plenty of conversations just like that. Honestly, they’re not always easy and can trigger emotions. And I hate talking about how it makes me “feel.” It seems wussy. But afterwards, we understand each other better, we proved we care and respect each other enough to have the conversation… and we both get what we want.

Therapists say that preceding such discussions with “I feel…” takes a lot of the threat out of statements in such discussions, by making it clear it’s the speaker’s perceptions and emotions being discussed, not the actual behavior of the other person. This makes things less confrontational, and if not always easier, at least helps.

And another thing couples should talk about it sex. How much. How often. How adventurous… and if there’s an issue, how to fix any issues. If you missed my earlier post on that topic, you can find it here.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Marriage, Part 1: Nourish your Relationship Emotionally, Mentally and Physically

What to Do When your Sex Life is Dying and you Don’t Feel Close Anymore

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

“I’m bored in our marriage.”

“I don’t feel close to my spouse any more.”

“Our sex life has fizzled.”

Have you heard these, or maybe said them yourself?

If you have, you’re in good company.

Actually, if you’re married, it’s almost inevitable that at some point, you’ll say one, some or all of these things yourself.

Being married is hard. Raising a family is exhausting. And making a living is often thankless and stressful.

Then, trying to maintain the spark and intimacy with your spouse on top of everything else?

It’s near impossible, especially when you consider that everything has cycles, including long-term relationships. There comes a point where things aren’t “new,” anymore, where you know each other as well as two people can, and all the other responsibilities have pushed “time for each other and good sex” way down the list, if you can get to it at all.

It sucks. But this is life in the 21st Century.

But All is Not Lost

If you’re reading this blog or just found this post, you’re probably looking for answers to what you can do about declining libidos and intimacy, to bring back the romance and excitement. Maybe you’re just looking to spice things up, maybe you’re looking to reignite the spark in your marriage, or maybe you’re trying to introduce new ideas, both sexual and non-sexual, to your spouse.

Again, whatever the case, you’re in good company.

And just buying some sexy underwear or a toy is not going to be the magic wand. Well, maybe the toy you buy is a Magic Wand (highly recommended!), but you know what I mean. Any fix is more in your understanding of each other and your relationship, not in adding a Band Aid.

Every person and every relationship is different, but when the “newness” and adventure disappears from relationships, things go off track.

Also, people and relationships change and evolve over time. The Marlboro Man that made his lady swoon doesn’t seem quite as desirable when he’s splitting diaper duty, going to a cubicle job, volunteering to rub tired feet and doing all the things that make him a good husband… but not the manly, dangerous lover he was when the couple first met.

Ester Perel said it very well in her TED talk: The security, safety and comfort that we want in a long-term relationship is death to our sexual desire, which craves newness, novelty and unpredictability.

She recommends several things in keeping desire alive:

1. Make space for the erotic:

* Have a lot of privacy

* Make erotic space: time when you are just being, and are not being responsible

* Prevent distractions

2. Remember that foreplay starts long before the love making

3. Keep realistic expectations

* Things ebb and flow

* Spontaneity is a myth

* Relationship issues are not equal to bad sex

This is great advice.

But there’s more to it.

My next post provides more insight about what’s going on, how genders view things differently, and gives suggestions of things you can do to resolve conflict, communicate better, and keep the spark alive in your relationship and sex life.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Bring Back the Spark in your Relationship with These Tips!

Decide What’s Important. And that Includes Talking about Sex.

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Prioritizing Sex

I don’t know how many couples have really sat down and decide what’s important, and what’s not.

I would guess that most haven’t.

But there are systems out there to help you work this out. The Franklin Covey system is one, which I’ve had good luck in really considering my roles, which are important, and making sure that I pay attention to each of my roles to the best of my ability.

Some roles, like being a volunteer, has had to be put aside for a decade.

Others, like being a good husband and father, are at the top of the list all the time. And making a daily and weekly list of what’s important in those roles each week helps me say “no” to other things.

Nothing is perfect; sometimes I still can’t do the things I want to do. But if I am aware of my priorities and goals, then I can make better choices every day to get closer to them, and I find it powerfully calming that I know I’m working on the most important things every day.

If you don’t have a plan, then you’ll just be buffeted by each strong breeze of other people’s wants.

And if addressing issues in your relationship and sex life is a priority, make sure you make it one.

Sex is a Priority, too

Couples often don’t like to talk about their sex lives. They are afraid of hurt feelings, negative reactions, and confronting their own faults and inadequacies. Plus, there is the fear of being judged or rejected for mental, emotional or moral reasons if they were to talk about their own desires. Sometimes, one or both people can’t even put words to their desires and dissatisfaction

That being said, you need to talk about your sex life.

If you want sex every day, and your spouse is happy with sex every other Leap Year, you need to talk. Maybe you can come to an agreement you can both live with.

Perhaps you’ve always wanted to have sex swinging from a chandelier. Well, if you don’t talk about it, then it’s never going to happen. Maybe your partner is afraid of heights. Or maybe they’ll think it’s a grand idea.

And while the world of sexual interests can be wrought with landmines, I will go out on a limb and say that in my opinion, your sexual interests are fine and normal, and you shouldn’t hesitate to discuss them with your spouse. If you’re in a permanent, monogamous relationship, then the only way you’re going to get your needs met is through your spouse.

And in a healthy relationship, your spouse should want to make you happy. As you should want to make your partner happy in return.

Scheduling Sex

Sex should be spontaneous, exciting and adventurous.

But let’s get real.

It’s often not.

And “should” is a loaded, unrealistic word anyway.

Most of us are too busy, stressed and exhausted to have a lot of sex like that. We wish we did. And perhaps we used to. But when the baby is crying and needs a diaper change, or when mom calls and dad has fallen and is on his way to the hospital with a shattered pelvis, well the furry handcuffs aren’t coming out tonight.

So, given that spontaneous sex isn’t as much of an option as it used to be, but both partners agree that sex is both important and something they want, then a standing sex date might be the answer. One or two nights a week (or mornings, or whatever works), put nookie on the calendar. Both partners agree that they will show up if at all possible, put other concerns aside and do their best to relax, have fun, and connect..

And the secret sauce? Your imaginations. Think of things to inspire and excite your partner when you do get together. A story. A character. An outfit. Or maybe something ordered out of the back of a magazine. The key is to show your partner you were thinking about them and both of you as a couple.

And remember: sex is one of the best antidotes for stress and is critical for maintaining connection and intimacy.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: What to Do When your Sex Life is Dying and you Don’t Feel Close Anymore

Sex-starved and Sexless Marriages

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Some things just don’t get done every day in our crazy lives. Our top priorities are our jobs, kids, parents, and other obligations. If we’re lucky, we try to make time for the gym and all the other little errands that come up.

Often, very important things get pushed off the list, especially our relationship and sex.

Relationships require maintenance.

If the two people in the relationship aren’t spending time together enjoying each other’s company, then is it still a relationship? For a while it will be, but at some point, it just becomes two people living together, disconnected, with separate lives and interests. We’ve all see that happen. Maybe for some people that’s okay. But I believe that your life with your partner is the greatest relationship either of you will and should ever have, and you should make it a priority. And you know what to do. It can be anything from just taking walks together to a weekend away. But you need to take the time you need to keep connected and with enough time to appreciate your spouse.

And sex… sex is not just a checkbox. It’s a time for a couple to connect, explore, relax and recharge. Is that kind of sex getting pushed off your list of priorities as a couple? If so, you’re not alone. But how does your spouse feel about it? And how do you feel about it? You need to make sex a priority.

“It’s not a priority to me.”

Recently I saw the topic of sexless marriages being discussed on an online discussion board, and one gentleman, clearly distraught, bemoaned, “I come fourth on her list of priorities. Fourth! The fucking dogs come before me!”

I had to laugh, but I totally understood what he was saying.

I’m not sure what #1 and #2 were, but I’d guess that they are the kids and her job. I know, because I sometimes feel that way about where my wife’s priorities are. And if we had dogs, I suspect I’d often be #4 as well.

And I’ve struggled over time with this.

Sex is such a priority to me. And to be brutally honest, sex is the reason I do much of what I do. I work my ass off to provide a good home and lifestyle for our family… so that my wife will have sex with me.

When she doesn’t see it as a priority, well… to say my feelings are hurt can sometimes be an understatement.

But rationally, I understand she’s exhausted, stressed, often doesn’t feel well, and doesn’t prioritize sex as high as I do. The stresses she’s under are exhausting: her job, being a mom of three kids, helping her aging parents, and then all the household chores that pile up quickly (sometimes literally), from laundry to an uncluttered living room. Then she also volunteers at church and school, and does a hell of a lot beyond that.

I understand her stress. Hell, I even want her to do all those things.

But. I want her to save something for me.

Especially when I do a lot for her, to try to make her life easier, from nightly foot and shoulder rubs to all the household crap I do to all the stuff I do for the kids and our family.

And have I mentioned that my job is a high-stress, high-responsibility killer of a job? I bust my ass to leave there on time at night to be a good husband and father.

Then, she’s too tired for sex more than once every week or two… and then only wants to do the bare minimum when we do get time together.

Yeah, that really sucks.

Then there are Health Issues, too

In my case, my wife also has health issues. All women get screwed when it comes to their cycles and their periods, especially if it comes with migraines and cysts and a long list of other stuff guys don’t need to deal with. But in our case, my gal is the lucky winner of some additional endocrine issues, which leave her exhausted and feeling crappy all the time.

And, as time has gone on, her libido has tanked. Which isn’t her fault. I want her to feel well, because I love her. But I also want her to be interested in having sex with me. So, getting her health issues addressed is a high priority for me.

If you or your spouse is having health issues that are impacting your relationship, you have a responsibility to yourself and your spouse to get them addressed.

And I can attest that such issues can be tricky. As I’ve gotten deeper into the workings of the endocrine system, I’ve found it is terribly complicated, and frequently such issues are often poorly diagnosed and even more poorly treated.

So, if health issues are impacting your life and sex life, learn all you can about them. Be an informed patient. Connect with patient communities, and look for the good doctors who are going to treat you, not “a patient.” You aren’t a number or an average, and life is too short to not feel well if you can avoid it.

Is sex a priority?

As for relationships without enough sex… what can you do?

Well, first, you both need to discuss where sex falls in your relationship.

For my wife, sex fell further and further down the priority list. She wasn’t didn’t feeling sexy or much desire, and was glad when I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t ask for it, despite wanting it desperately, because I knew that she was exhausted, didn’t feel good, and wasn’t interested anyway.

But it finally got to the point that I had to talk to her about it, and she was surprised how strongly I felt, and how deprived and disconnected I was feeling. We agreed to make it more of a priority, and she also agreed to try to work on being enthusiastic, not just there taking one for the team.

We also agreed at that time for me to get more involved in looking into her health issues.

So, as is always the case, we had to talk.

If you’re having similar issues, you need to talk, too.

We decided together what was important. The next post in this series talks about prioritizing things in your relationship.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Decide What’s Important. And that includes talking about Sex.

Our Stressful Lives are Killing our Relationships, Intimacy and Sex Lives

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Do you hear yourself saying things like:

“I just don’t have time for anything.”

“I just don’t have energy at the end of the day.”

“I am always so tired.”

“I can’t get it all done.”

“I have nothing left.”

Sound familiar?

It sure does to me.

Or maybe this applies to your spouse, and you’re asking yourself:

“Why is she always exhausted?”

“Why is he always cranky?”

“Why can’t he relax?”

“Why won’t she have sex with me?”

We are all Burnt Out

It’s never good to make generalizations, but I’ll make one anyway.

We are all exhausted and stressed.

We are trying to fit a gallon of milk in a quart container. And it’s not working very well.

We’re trying to be good employees, spouses, parents, and children to our own parents. We are trying to hold on to our jobs in an economy that’s increasingly competitive and unpredictable. We’re trying to prepare our kids for their own careers and lives. We’re trying to provide care to our rapidly aging parents.

And somewhere in there, we’re trying to have a relationship with our spouse, including a sexual relationship.

It sure ain’t easy.

Oh, and then there’s one other forgotten person we’d also like to give some attention: ourselves.

It doesn’t all fit!

No, that’s not what John Hamm’s girlfriend says.

Well, okay, maybe it is.

But in our case, we’re talking about our ability to do everything we want to.

In our case, we had kids, with each additional kid we jettisoned more of our lives.

Hobbies. Reading. A clean house. An attractive yard. Elaborate home-cooked meals.

And we have to be realistic: there are trade-offs for everything. I don’t care what some book-writing Fortune 500 COOs are saying: most of us can’t have it all. Frankly, not all of us can be at the c-level, with multiple nannies, a personal chef and personal trainer.

And it’s fine. Really, it is.

“We Need to Talk.”

Those words that scare the sh*t out of anyone hearing them. But that’s what you need to do if you’re going to address these issues..

You need to sit down with your partner and talk about priorities, both for your lives as well as for any given day.

When we haven’t done that, and we are dissatisfied with our relationship, then we have to figure out what’s going to give, and how we’re going to change.

And if our sex lives aren’t working, we need to talk about that, too. In the next post, I talk about sexless and sex-starved marriages. stress killing sex lives

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Sexless and Sex-starved Marriages

Nothing Can Be New Forever: Good Sex Fades

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

If you haven’t watched Esther Perel’s outstanding TED talk, “The Secret to Desire in a Long Term Relationship,” you need to watch it. If you have 20 minutes, go watch it now. Seriously! I’ll wait. If you don’t have 20 minutes, bookmark it now or send the link to yourself in an email to watch when you have time.

She explicitly asks the question, “Why does good sex fade?”

Esther’s talk is simply outstanding, and she shares how all of us in long-term relationships are going to have conflicting demands for safety and comfort (love) and novelty and desire (lust). She has some specific suggestions for what we can do to keep things fresh and new, which we’ll do a separate post about another time.

However, I’ll sum up her points as follows:

In order to keep our relationship, sexual life and our own selves alive, we need to use our imaginations, and commit to making space for the erotic, our fantasies, and each other. It’s hard. But you and your partner’s imaginations are key to keeping things new and fresh.

Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

For all the improvements in technology, productivity and science, it sure does seem like everyone is working their asses off.

If we can find a job, that is.

If you don’t have a job, you’re busting your butt to try to find one, and fretting about how to survive.

If you have a job, by and large you’re probably working longer and harder than you’ve ever worked before. And you’re probably working for less money than you were ten years ago.

And if you’re a full-time caregiver, recent articles report that you work longer and harder than those who get paychecks.

The pressures of raising a family keep increasing, with sports, homework and extracurriculars getting more and more overwhelming as parents try to get their kids ready for this increasingly competitive world.

And with shopping, cooking healthy meals, cleaning and endless laundry, you’re probably at least 20 hours a week behind before Monday even comes. And that’s not even doing anything for yourself.

What does this do to your relationship and sex life?

Bluntly, libidos tank when we’re tired, overwhelmed and stressed.

But a healthy sex life is critical for a healthy marriage.

For many of us, it’s not just a stress relief, it’s a way of feeling closer and spending time together.

Society seems to be conspiring to take our sex lives out at the knees.

It sucks. Good sex fades.

Not all is lost

To address a problem, understand it.

Is your stressful life undermining your relationship? Is it impacting your intimacy and your sex life?

If so, then talk about it with your partner, and see if they agree, both on the situation, the causes, and the impact. And then commit to doing something about it.

And in my next few posts, we’ll see what we might be able to do about this stuff, including how good sex fades. We may not be able to fix the original problems, but we can address how we respond, and how we act.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Our Stressful Lives are Killing our Relationships, Intimacy and Sex Lives

Why Relationships Cool: What You Can Do About a Dead or Dying Marriage

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

At some point, the Honeymoon is over.

It’s a terrible old saying.

Unfortunately, it’s true.

No One Is Perfect

Even for the world’s most perfect couple, the newness rubs off. Maybe it takes a week, maybe a decade. But at some point, two people know each other as well as two people can. Strengths come to be regarded as expected, and weaknesses –or just things one person just doesn’t like about the other—grow from being minor irritants to relationship-killers. To their surprise, these couples find themselves in a dying marriage.

No two people will be in perfect alignment all the time. It’s as simple as one person being too hot, and the other too cold.

Maybe through chance one person is genetically more concerned about seeing to the needs of the other at their own expense, and that can work. But at some point, conflict arises and two people want different things, and the small parade of small irritants accumulate until the dam breaks, and there’s a fight… maybe even a cataclysmic all-out battle.

This is part of being human.

There Will be Conflict

Some of us are naturally skilled at working through conflict in a healthy manner. We are able to take a step back to look at the situation and put things in perspective. We can put our emotions and hurt feelings aside. We are even good at seeing the other person’s point of view, and at apologizing if we’re wrong or when we see how the other person might feel hurt or aggrieved.

Then there’s the rest of us. Actually, virtually all of us.

Most of us aren’t so good at working through issues. We are taught to avoid conflict, and criticism, and we also have an inborn sense that, “of course I’m right and they’re wrong!” It’s human nature.

We also find it hard to admit we’re wrong, to admit weakness, and to risk getting our feelings hurt by making ourselves emotionally vulnerable.

But left unaddressed, over time, everything eventually blows up.

Most of us don’t like to fight, and when we do, we fight emotionally and focus on telling our partner what we want them to hear, rather than listening and trying to understand, discuss and fix whatever the issue may be, and making sure we understand the other person’s point of view. So hurt feelings multiply; we just aren’t good fighters.

And often, the way that some people –especially men– avoid hurt feelings and the discomfort of talking about emotions is to avoid the conflict all together, or to just stop engaging. So, if there’s an argument, we sulk, and perhaps even go to the silent treatment. Often this isn’t to punish our partner, but because we’re too mad to think and communicate clearly or without making things worse. So the argument doesn’t get resolved, and the inventory of hurt feelings grows further.

And when people stop talking and trying to work things out, this can poison the relationship to the point that it can’t be fixed.

“I don’t talk too much. I just have a lot to say.”

And on the flip side of the silent treatment is over-communicating.

Let’s say there’s a fight, and the couple has talked and debated exhaustively… and the issue is still not resolved. One person wants to keep at it… but the other is completely spent. It’s best at that point to take a break, pick it up again later. Some of us just need some time to think, to digest, and to get our frazzled brains and emotions gathered before we can again talk constructively about an issue.

If we keep going, the fight can get worse, where one person says something out of frustration and exhaustion that makes things worse. Or one person caves to just end the argument and move on. This isn’t good or fair either, although it’s a long-acknowledged negotiating technique. But you’re not working out a corporate merger or selling another person a used car; you’re working things out in your marriage. And if you don’t work things out fairly, you’re just adding to your future troubles.

If your partner needs a break, give them the break. But you have every right to ask them to commit to picking up the issues again at an agreed-to time.

Extraverts and Introverts

Remember that there’s a difference between extraverts and introverts.

Extraverts often love to drag everything out into the open and talk things through, and as soon as they’re thinking it, they’re saying it.

Introverts, on the other hand, need time to really consider everything until they’ve thought things through, and they’ve perhaps even rehearsed the conversation in their mind.

Throw things at Introverts without preparation, and they feel completely uncomfortable, unprepared, and like the other person isn’t fighting fair. But to an extravert, when the introvert pushes back on needing more time before they are ready to talk, it feels like the introvert is shutting them down and doesn’t care. That’s not the case, they just need time to gather their thoughts.

So, remember and accept that your partner may be different from you, and this is okay, even if you don’t completely understand it. The way your partner thinks, talks, and handles conflict doesn’t necessarily reflect how they feel about you.

“But I thought that…” / “You never said…”

False assumptions lead to the cooling of relationships when couples discover they strongly disagree on something important that they’d never talked about.

For example, how and where to vacation, when, and for how long. One person might want a relaxing week at the beach with their toes in the sand. The other person wants to explore a historic city, soaking in as much history and experiences as possible. Who compromises?

Or, it might be the couple disagrees on how much money to save for retirement versus how much to spend on those same vacations.

And there’s always the issue of sex: how often and for how long? As the newness of the relationship fades, perhaps one partner is feeling less interested and adventurous, to the alarm of the other.

And People Are Just Different

And what if two people find they don’t put the same importance or emphasis on some things?

We all enjoy different things and make some things priorities that others don’t. Me, I like watching football. On a list of things my wife enjoys, that rates somewhere just above watching Ken Burns’ documentaries. Which she finds painfully boring, but that I also happen to enjoy.

How about when one spouse is passionate about something that the other spouse views as unimportant or uninteresting? And worse, what if the first spouse thinks it should be important to the other? And the other spouse just can’t make themselves care. For example, I agree the living room should be painted. My wife, however, had a long list of details of critical importance that she wanted my full and unwavering attention. And I try, but I just can’t put my mind to it. Here, her unstated expectations are not being met, leading to feelings of betrayal, rejection and hurt feelings.

Boom. Instant conflict.

In our own relationship, this has happened frequently. Personally, having a showplace home is not important to me. All I really want is to have a comfortable spot where I can put up my feet and use my laptop and watch TV, a soft bed, and a spot in the corner of the garage for my workbench. If I were to decorate, I’d rather have some quirky, interesting objects and posters that communicate ideas and novelty. Maybe a velvet Elvis tapestry, perhaps some gritty proof art from pulp fiction novels from the 60’s of a hardened private detective bursting into a hotel room, gun drawn.

That doesn’t fly with my gal. She wants a home she can be proud of, that friends could envision being featured in a home magazine when they visit. I joke with her sometimes about decorating my way instead.

She finds this monumentally un-amusing.

Actually, she sees it as me making fun of something that is important to her. So, I’ve mostly stopped joking about it. Although I still do occasionally see something, say a huge 1970’s Spencer Gifts Lava Lamp at a garage sale, and will suggest it would look great on our mantle. She never fails to give me a dirty look. I laugh and let it go. Call it a flaw of mine, that I needle her once in a while, jokingly. It shouldn’t be a big deal to her. But it is. And I guess my needling is to point this out to her, and remind her that I let her do what she wants. Not that it gets me any credit.

Although I should mention that she did give me permission to decorate the garage and basement any way I like.

Joking aside (well, actually, that’s not a joke, it’s really what she said), this was a case where we compromised, and we do things her way because it’s more important to her. And when she wants to talk about things that are important to her, like decorating, I really do try to sit down and give her my full attention.

And in fairness to my wife, she did make absolutely sure that I had a comfortable place to sit.

But, the key point here is that if two people feel strongly about something, and disagree, the disagreement can sap the energy of a relationship, and the feeling of intimacy. It doesn’t matter if it’s how to decorate, what possessions to purchase, or how to raise the kids: any kind of conflict can cause two people to view each other as adversaries.

In any relationship, the two people need to decide on priorities and what’s important and where they can compromise, and where they can’t.

And in the case of decorating our house, my wife has carte blanche, and I agree to not express my opinions afterwards since I wouldn’t express them ahead of time.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Nothing Can Be New Forever: Good Sex Fades

Why Are We Fighting?

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Understand Why You’re Fighting to Solve Arguments

I get home after a long day at work, with screaming bosses, backstabbing coworkers, and a self-destructing project that I’m on the hook to fix and which could have big consequences for my continued employment if I don’t figure out.

I walk in the door, and it’s the usual blur as I jump into Dad role, helping with homework, refereeing a fight, sitting down to dinner, then doing the dishes while my wife tells me about her day and frustrations.

As my wife talks I try to listen and respond despite my genetic manfault of not being able to multitask very well, which means specifically that I struggle to hear her while I’m trying to figure out how to get everything into the dishwasher.

When I finally get a chance to sit down on the couch next to her when the kids are squared away, I flip on the game… and she wants to talk more. All I want to do is zone out and let my punch-drunk brain and body marinate for a bit. But, she talks at me, and my attention wanders, and it’s not long before I realize that she’s asking me if I’m listening to her… and I’m not. Now her feelings are hurt, and that leads to a fight…

My wife and I have the same fights over and over. Maybe the circumstances are different each time, but the underlying themes repeat. As do the outcomes… or lack them.

Like all couples, we fight.

Why are we fighting? Often, the fights come down to issues of different expectations, many of which we have never talked about, where each of us assumes something completely different.

Or there’s a difference of perception; she feels that I did something that seemed selfish to her, or didn’t consider her and her needs or how it would make her look or feel. To me, often what I did seemed perfectly reasonable and rational, and I don’t understand what the big deal is. Which, to her, further proves I’m a jerk.

Or, she gets mad when she feels I ignore her, or don’t listen to her, like in the story that started this post. (If you haven’t done so already, download my free eBook, “Why Men Don’t Listen,” which is free to everyone who signs up for a free membership to this site.

Other times she says that I’m distant, or don’t care about her. That I don’t invite her into my life. To me, her assertions seem to come out of nowhere: I wasn’t shutting her out, I just didn’t have much to say, and I’m certainly not unhappy!

Some good portion of these things have to do with differences between men and women and how we think and communicate.

Contributing is our different expectations, as well as our differing needs for talk, empathy and companionship. And this isn’t just between genders, it’s between any two people.

And then there’s always conflict around sex. Given the stresses my wife experiences though the day, and her exhaustion and frustration levels, she is often too wound up or too tired for sex. Me, I’m much more ready to work off some stress with a bit of energetic sexual exercise. So, our mismatched libidos can be a source of frustration as well.

Sometimes, my wife feels that I don’t like her, or even feels that I hate her, particularly if we’ve had a fight. When she says things like this, I’m shocked. We had a fight, we’ll work things out. No two people are ever going to agree on everything. But that does knock me out of complacency, and usually motivates me to have a hard conversation I really don’t want to have –you know, one where I have to talk about my feelings or something I’d just as happily not talk about—which then gives her what she really wants, reassurance that I like and love her just as much as I ever have. I suspect that ultimately, and perhaps subconsciously, she makes these assertions as her way of getting what she wants : my attention, emotional connection and reassurance of our bond.

Interestingly, such conversations usually end up with me apologizing for whatever the fight was originally about, and me agreeing to do whatever it was she wanted me to do in the first place.

Why else do we fight? Money is always a good one… we disagree on what to spend, what to save, and what’s important. Often, the fight is really about power and control than about the actual money.

We fight about time… we don’t have much to spare, and anything one of us does can be seen as being at the expense of the other. Think of it this way: if I want to go meet some guys for a beer, who’s left on duty to get the kids fed, bathed, in their jammies and in bed? She is. And the same is true in reverse if she wants to meet her girlfriends. And once homework and kids’ sports kick into gear, it gets an order of magnitude harder.

We fight because of our perception that the other should –or should not– be doing something differently. We pass judgment on them and their choices, because ultimately, we feel their actions have an effect on us or show how they feel about us.

And I’ll admit it: we can both sometimes be selfish, thoughtless, irritable, and rude, especially when we’re tired or stressed. We are human. But at the same time, we can both be generous, kind, forgiving and pleasant. We are all a combination of the good and the bad. Even Mother Theresa probably had her bad days.

Fights are inevitable. So make the best of it.

So, we fight. What have we found that works to mend things?

We both try to be grateful, and recognize that for every one irritant, there were probably ten kindnesses that went unnoticed.

When we lash out at each other, we try to admit it, and apologize quickly. We each know how it feels to be on the receiving end.

I ask her to be nice to me, and I try to be nice in return. Her anger can really hurt my feelings, but often this anger is borne of other frustrations rather than my actions. I try to not get mad in return, and try to not lash out in response; that just makes things worse. And when tempers have cooled, we can touch on things and work it out. I apologize, and she apologizes.

I apologize even when I don’t feel I’m necessarily in the wrong. I try to think about how she feels, and often I can see that her feelings were hurt because she felt I wasn’t thinking of her and how she’d feel. So I apologize for this, and try to show her that I’m thinking now about how she felt. I apologize because our relationship is more important to me than my pride.

We try to not fight in front of the kids. But like everybody, we still do. And this isn’t a bad thing… everyone fights. If the kids can see us work things out, that’s good. And if we don’t, that’s okay, too. They can see that people disagree. And if things get too heated, they can see us agree to table things.

Unfortunately, they can also see us exhibit bad behavior as well. Raised voices, unfounded accusations, perhaps even one or the other storming off once in a while. And there’s a lesson in such events as well, of what not to do. Especially when they see us apologize and work things out later.

And there have been times when we haven’t worked things out, or not for a long time. Times when, frankly, I have been a jerk. And so has she. Of course both of us think our actions are stellar examples of principle and maturity at the time. But, over time, we’ve learned that we are each still growing, and are not perfect. We accept each other’s faults, and that neither of us are perfect. Although one of us might still say she’s more perfect than the other. 😉

What’s the different between those who stay together, and those who don’t?

In my opinion, it’s the willingness to talk, to listen, and to do the hard work of talking things through. Admitting that perhaps you aren’t always right, or that there’s more than one way to see things.

Staying together is also showing you care enough about your partner and your relationship to be honest and open, and if necessary to make changes.

It’s to think about your partner, and how your choices impact them.

It’s also to forgive, and to accept differences. To not always need to be right. To respect the other person’s feelings, as well as their opinions, even if you don’t agree.

With enough effort, you can work through any issue, as long as you don’t cross into the big relationship killers of abuse (mental, physical or emotional), adultery (and other betrayals) or abandonment. The best thing to do is to not let it get to that point.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Relationship Issues are Everywhere