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Marriage, Part 1: Nourish your Relationship Emotionally, Mentally and Physically

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

This is Part 1 of a six-part post on long-term committed relationships, which for simplicity’s sake I will call Marriage, although I understand there are other kinds of relationships, too.

Part 1 is on what’s unique about these kinds of relationships, the benefits, and the special challenges of nourishing them. Really, it’s about marriage benefits, which we don’t say enough about in today’s world.

Part 2 is on what makes a long-term relationship happy. I believe that if you can define something, you can then work towards achieving it.

Part 3 discusses anger, conflict and communication, and how left unaddressed, it can kill a marriage.

Part 4 is about the long-term impact of anger, conflict and poor communications.

Part 5 is about when the spark and passion is gone in marriage.

Part 6 is Reconnecting sexually in a marriage of equals.

“I brought my wife flowers; she was delighted.”

“I brought my wife flowers every day; it became expected.”

“My husband bought me nothing because we could afford nothing. But he made time to listen to me and talk with me every night while he rubbed my neck.”

“My wife won’t have sex with me, she says she’s too tired every night.”

“My husband makes sure that I always have a full tank of gas.”

“My husband doesn’t come home until after I’m asleep most nights, spending every night with his friends at the bar.”

“My life partner came home early from work to make sure I could go out to girl’s night.”

These are examples of things that are seen as nourishing –or hurting– a relationship.

There’s more to a relationship than small gestures that show you care.

Keeping the spark alive takes work. Dammit.

I believe that as hard as it may be at times, being married is one of life’s greatest rewards.

Marriage is a relationship unlike any other, with you and your partner each committed to each other for life. It’s often hard, and there will always be. But life is much richer when you are each able to wholly trust and rely on each other, when you have a shared purpose, and when each other’s happiness is important to each other.

Ultimately, we are all alone; having someone to share our lives with, happy moments and sad, joyful and stressful, makes everything so much better. I truly believe that shared joy is more joyful, and shared pain more bearable. There is no one else I want to spend my life with than my wife.

Sadly, most marriages in the United States end in divorce. Increasingly, people don’t even see the point in getting married.

Why is this?

Lots of columnists, scientists, marriage counselors and ill-informed bloggers (like this one!) have their opinions. But my opinion is that in this society, people have gravitated more and more to seeking their own happiness and self-interest, and are less interested in committing to marriages that don’t fully provide those benefits.

More, couples today expect to be nourished in their relationships. Emotionally, mentally, physically. But often, people don’t nourish each other very well.

In the old days, people stayed married, even if they weren’t happy. Now, people bail.

More, people used to need to stay married to support a family. And kids were a pretty sure-fire product of having sex, which people wanted to have. And we shouldn’t underestimate men’s desire to have sex: if sex was what was required to have sex, then men were going to get married.

With birth control, sex is more available. This undercuts the one rationale for marriage, both for men and women.

And women now have their own careers and incomes, and don’t need to get married to be able to support their children. Although it certainly helps.

Additionally, although some may disagree, the growth of government public assistance assures that there is some minimum level of basic human needs being provided for children and families who are destitute. Being on welfare isn’t anyone’s first choice, but for some, it does provide a safety net that allows women to provide for their children… and get out of bad marriages if they absolutely have to, or not marry a poor choice of partners at all.

Partners need to know, and discuss, what each of them need and expect in their relationship, to be nourished. And even with marriage and relationships being easier to terminate, really, we all want our relationships not just to last, but to thrive, where we each provide what the other person needs.

This, I would put forward, is the definition of happiness. Where you’re getting what you need. I believe that we all need other people, and in particular, we need the love, commitment, affection, respect and companionship of one person in particular, our life partner. We are born wanting this connection, this partnership. And if even if you’ve had relationships that have gone bad or left you scarred, you still want a person to spend your time with. Perhaps the term “soul-mate” is overused and too romantic. But no one should have to be alone, and having been very alone in my own life, I know how much I value what my gal gives me, every day, even if she’s having a bad day and yelling at me.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Marriage, Part 2: What is a Happy Marriage?

Bring Back the Spark in your Relationship with These Tips!

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

To feel like having sex, a woman needs to feel loved. To feel loved, a man needs to have sex.

In the past 50 years, gender roles have been reinvented, with women following career paths outside the home and becoming breadwinners. Meanwhile, men are taking on more domestic duties, sharing childrearing, and even giving up careers in favor of their wives’ careers.

On one hand, women like and demand this equality.

On the other hand, somewhere in the subconscious, this can make women less interested in having sex, as recently reported in the New York Times. Deep down inside, most women want their men to be manly, and seeing their men being domestic can temper their sexual interest.

It’s a Catch-22 for men, or at least those who wish to try to live by new egalitarian expectations.

And it’s not one that can be cured by being nicer, bringing more flowers and gifts, or doing more around the house to help take more stress off our wives.

How do we bring back the spark, improve intimacy and build closeness?

Sex is part of it. If you aren’t having a satisfying sex life, neither partner is feeling good. Intimacy is down. And it flows through to the rest of your relationship.

We all have different aspects of ourselves that we need to nourish. If we are out of balance, with some parts of ourselves being unsatisfied, it ripples through to the rest of lives and our relationships.

Let’s use a bad analogy. Let’s suppose we’re a tree. (Admittedly, sometimes us guys are difficult to distinguish from plant life.) To thrive, we need water, soil, air, and sunlight. We also need warm weather and to not be in the path of a bulldozer. If all of those conditions are met, we’re pretty happy flora, doing our thing, photosynthesizing, adding rings, providing shade, maybe giving off fruit.

But, if aren’t getting what we need, we can wither and die, sometimes very quickly.

Our relationships are the same.

If we’re getting love, affection, emotional support, shared purpose, appreciation, the satisfaction of a mutually rewarding relationship, as well as regular and good sex, then we’re probably doing pretty well.

But, if we’re missing some or all of these things, we are under stress.

If we’ve built up goodwill in our relationship, then a bad day now and then happens and is no big deal. But repeated bad days that turn into bad weeks, months and years can lead to the end of a relationship.

If our spouse doesn’t appreciate us, or we just feel that way, maybe we stop giving appreciation back. We stop talking. Little resentments build up, and silence grows.

Negative feedback loops build.

Relationships wither. Intimacy ends. Sex stops. And maybe the marriage implodes.

So what’s the answer?

The answer, simply, is that to bring back the spark we all need to look at the different aspects of our relationships constantly, and do the work that’s required to keep things healthy.

And, as hard as it may be, sometimes we have to have hard talks.

We have to communicate.

If something is bothering you, or your spouse, you have to talk about it.

Personally, I hate conflict.

I also hate talking about my feelings and emotions. But we have to.

We have to talk about our expectations. So often, we never do.

We also have to talk about how we talk

Sometimes, my wife might tell me, not so nicely, “pick that up and put it in the trashcan.”

This causes a waterfall of thoughts and emotions in me.

To her, it’s just a reasonable, instinctual request to me to keep our home looking clean, that of course I’d just do.

To me, it’s an affront to my primitive brain and manhood. I feel like she’s ordering me around, and implying that I’m an idiot, irresponsible and uncaring. If I say something, she’ll also feel I’m unreasonable, oversensitive and a jerk. To her, it was a simple request. Me, I saw it as an order. And I am not her subordinate to be ordered around.

But we can work it out; I can explain how it made me feel, and why, and next time, she’ll instead say, “Could you remember to throw that in the trashcan when you’re done? You know how clutter drives me crazy.” She makes it a request, and explains why she it’s important to her. It’s no longer just an order.

We’ve had plenty of conversations just like that. Honestly, they’re not always easy and can trigger emotions. And I hate talking about how it makes me “feel.” It seems wussy. But afterwards, we understand each other better, we proved we care and respect each other enough to have the conversation… and we both get what we want.

Therapists say that preceding such discussions with “I feel…” takes a lot of the threat out of statements in such discussions, by making it clear it’s the speaker’s perceptions and emotions being discussed, not the actual behavior of the other person. This makes things less confrontational, and if not always easier, at least helps.

And another thing couples should talk about it sex. How much. How often. How adventurous… and if there’s an issue, how to fix any issues. If you missed my earlier post on that topic, you can find it here.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Marriage, Part 1: Nourish your Relationship Emotionally, Mentally and Physically

Sex-starved and Sexless Marriages

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Some things just don’t get done every day in our crazy lives. Our top priorities are our jobs, kids, parents, and other obligations. If we’re lucky, we try to make time for the gym and all the other little errands that come up.

Often, very important things get pushed off the list, especially our relationship and sex.

Relationships require maintenance.

If the two people in the relationship aren’t spending time together enjoying each other’s company, then is it still a relationship? For a while it will be, but at some point, it just becomes two people living together, disconnected, with separate lives and interests. We’ve all see that happen. Maybe for some people that’s okay. But I believe that your life with your partner is the greatest relationship either of you will and should ever have, and you should make it a priority. And you know what to do. It can be anything from just taking walks together to a weekend away. But you need to take the time you need to keep connected and with enough time to appreciate your spouse.

And sex… sex is not just a checkbox. It’s a time for a couple to connect, explore, relax and recharge. Is that kind of sex getting pushed off your list of priorities as a couple? If so, you’re not alone. But how does your spouse feel about it? And how do you feel about it? You need to make sex a priority.

“It’s not a priority to me.”

Recently I saw the topic of sexless marriages being discussed on an online discussion board, and one gentleman, clearly distraught, bemoaned, “I come fourth on her list of priorities. Fourth! The fucking dogs come before me!”

I had to laugh, but I totally understood what he was saying.

I’m not sure what #1 and #2 were, but I’d guess that they are the kids and her job. I know, because I sometimes feel that way about where my wife’s priorities are. And if we had dogs, I suspect I’d often be #4 as well.

And I’ve struggled over time with this.

Sex is such a priority to me. And to be brutally honest, sex is the reason I do much of what I do. I work my ass off to provide a good home and lifestyle for our family… so that my wife will have sex with me.

When she doesn’t see it as a priority, well… to say my feelings are hurt can sometimes be an understatement.

But rationally, I understand she’s exhausted, stressed, often doesn’t feel well, and doesn’t prioritize sex as high as I do. The stresses she’s under are exhausting: her job, being a mom of three kids, helping her aging parents, and then all the household chores that pile up quickly (sometimes literally), from laundry to an uncluttered living room. Then she also volunteers at church and school, and does a hell of a lot beyond that.

I understand her stress. Hell, I even want her to do all those things.

But. I want her to save something for me.

Especially when I do a lot for her, to try to make her life easier, from nightly foot and shoulder rubs to all the household crap I do to all the stuff I do for the kids and our family.

And have I mentioned that my job is a high-stress, high-responsibility killer of a job? I bust my ass to leave there on time at night to be a good husband and father.

Then, she’s too tired for sex more than once every week or two… and then only wants to do the bare minimum when we do get time together.

Yeah, that really sucks.

Then there are Health Issues, too

In my case, my wife also has health issues. All women get screwed when it comes to their cycles and their periods, especially if it comes with migraines and cysts and a long list of other stuff guys don’t need to deal with. But in our case, my gal is the lucky winner of some additional endocrine issues, which leave her exhausted and feeling crappy all the time.

And, as time has gone on, her libido has tanked. Which isn’t her fault. I want her to feel well, because I love her. But I also want her to be interested in having sex with me. So, getting her health issues addressed is a high priority for me.

If you or your spouse is having health issues that are impacting your relationship, you have a responsibility to yourself and your spouse to get them addressed.

And I can attest that such issues can be tricky. As I’ve gotten deeper into the workings of the endocrine system, I’ve found it is terribly complicated, and frequently such issues are often poorly diagnosed and even more poorly treated.

So, if health issues are impacting your life and sex life, learn all you can about them. Be an informed patient. Connect with patient communities, and look for the good doctors who are going to treat you, not “a patient.” You aren’t a number or an average, and life is too short to not feel well if you can avoid it.

Is sex a priority?

As for relationships without enough sex… what can you do?

Well, first, you both need to discuss where sex falls in your relationship.

For my wife, sex fell further and further down the priority list. She wasn’t didn’t feeling sexy or much desire, and was glad when I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t ask for it, despite wanting it desperately, because I knew that she was exhausted, didn’t feel good, and wasn’t interested anyway.

But it finally got to the point that I had to talk to her about it, and she was surprised how strongly I felt, and how deprived and disconnected I was feeling. We agreed to make it more of a priority, and she also agreed to try to work on being enthusiastic, not just there taking one for the team.

We also agreed at that time for me to get more involved in looking into her health issues.

So, as is always the case, we had to talk.

If you’re having similar issues, you need to talk, too.

We decided together what was important. The next post in this series talks about prioritizing things in your relationship.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Decide What’s Important. And that includes talking about Sex.

Our Stressful Lives are Killing our Relationships, Intimacy and Sex Lives

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Do you hear yourself saying things like:

“I just don’t have time for anything.”

“I just don’t have energy at the end of the day.”

“I am always so tired.”

“I can’t get it all done.”

“I have nothing left.”

Sound familiar?

It sure does to me.

Or maybe this applies to your spouse, and you’re asking yourself:

“Why is she always exhausted?”

“Why is he always cranky?”

“Why can’t he relax?”

“Why won’t she have sex with me?”

We are all Burnt Out

It’s never good to make generalizations, but I’ll make one anyway.

We are all exhausted and stressed.

We are trying to fit a gallon of milk in a quart container. And it’s not working very well.

We’re trying to be good employees, spouses, parents, and children to our own parents. We are trying to hold on to our jobs in an economy that’s increasingly competitive and unpredictable. We’re trying to prepare our kids for their own careers and lives. We’re trying to provide care to our rapidly aging parents.

And somewhere in there, we’re trying to have a relationship with our spouse, including a sexual relationship.

It sure ain’t easy.

Oh, and then there’s one other forgotten person we’d also like to give some attention: ourselves.

It doesn’t all fit!

No, that’s not what John Hamm’s girlfriend says.

Well, okay, maybe it is.

But in our case, we’re talking about our ability to do everything we want to.

In our case, we had kids, with each additional kid we jettisoned more of our lives.

Hobbies. Reading. A clean house. An attractive yard. Elaborate home-cooked meals.

And we have to be realistic: there are trade-offs for everything. I don’t care what some book-writing Fortune 500 COOs are saying: most of us can’t have it all. Frankly, not all of us can be at the c-level, with multiple nannies, a personal chef and personal trainer.

And it’s fine. Really, it is.

“We Need to Talk.”

Those words that scare the sh*t out of anyone hearing them. But that’s what you need to do if you’re going to address these issues..

You need to sit down with your partner and talk about priorities, both for your lives as well as for any given day.

When we haven’t done that, and we are dissatisfied with our relationship, then we have to figure out what’s going to give, and how we’re going to change.

And if our sex lives aren’t working, we need to talk about that, too. In the next post, I talk about sexless and sex-starved marriages. stress killing sex lives

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Sexless and Sex-starved Marriages

Nothing Can Be New Forever: Good Sex Fades

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

If you haven’t watched Esther Perel’s outstanding TED talk, “The Secret to Desire in a Long Term Relationship,” you need to watch it. If you have 20 minutes, go watch it now. Seriously! I’ll wait. If you don’t have 20 minutes, bookmark it now or send the link to yourself in an email to watch when you have time.

She explicitly asks the question, “Why does good sex fade?”

Esther’s talk is simply outstanding, and she shares how all of us in long-term relationships are going to have conflicting demands for safety and comfort (love) and novelty and desire (lust). She has some specific suggestions for what we can do to keep things fresh and new, which we’ll do a separate post about another time.

However, I’ll sum up her points as follows:

In order to keep our relationship, sexual life and our own selves alive, we need to use our imaginations, and commit to making space for the erotic, our fantasies, and each other. It’s hard. But you and your partner’s imaginations are key to keeping things new and fresh.

Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

For all the improvements in technology, productivity and science, it sure does seem like everyone is working their asses off.

If we can find a job, that is.

If you don’t have a job, you’re busting your butt to try to find one, and fretting about how to survive.

If you have a job, by and large you’re probably working longer and harder than you’ve ever worked before. And you’re probably working for less money than you were ten years ago.

And if you’re a full-time caregiver, recent articles report that you work longer and harder than those who get paychecks.

The pressures of raising a family keep increasing, with sports, homework and extracurriculars getting more and more overwhelming as parents try to get their kids ready for this increasingly competitive world.

And with shopping, cooking healthy meals, cleaning and endless laundry, you’re probably at least 20 hours a week behind before Monday even comes. And that’s not even doing anything for yourself.

What does this do to your relationship and sex life?

Bluntly, libidos tank when we’re tired, overwhelmed and stressed.

But a healthy sex life is critical for a healthy marriage.

For many of us, it’s not just a stress relief, it’s a way of feeling closer and spending time together.

Society seems to be conspiring to take our sex lives out at the knees.

It sucks. Good sex fades.

Not all is lost

To address a problem, understand it.

Is your stressful life undermining your relationship? Is it impacting your intimacy and your sex life?

If so, then talk about it with your partner, and see if they agree, both on the situation, the causes, and the impact. And then commit to doing something about it.

And in my next few posts, we’ll see what we might be able to do about this stuff, including how good sex fades. We may not be able to fix the original problems, but we can address how we respond, and how we act.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Our Stressful Lives are Killing our Relationships, Intimacy and Sex Lives

Why Relationships Cool: What You Can Do About a Dead or Dying Marriage

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

At some point, the Honeymoon is over.

It’s a terrible old saying.

Unfortunately, it’s true.

No One Is Perfect

Even for the world’s most perfect couple, the newness rubs off. Maybe it takes a week, maybe a decade. But at some point, two people know each other as well as two people can. Strengths come to be regarded as expected, and weaknesses –or just things one person just doesn’t like about the other—grow from being minor irritants to relationship-killers. To their surprise, these couples find themselves in a dying marriage.

No two people will be in perfect alignment all the time. It’s as simple as one person being too hot, and the other too cold.

Maybe through chance one person is genetically more concerned about seeing to the needs of the other at their own expense, and that can work. But at some point, conflict arises and two people want different things, and the small parade of small irritants accumulate until the dam breaks, and there’s a fight… maybe even a cataclysmic all-out battle.

This is part of being human.

There Will be Conflict

Some of us are naturally skilled at working through conflict in a healthy manner. We are able to take a step back to look at the situation and put things in perspective. We can put our emotions and hurt feelings aside. We are even good at seeing the other person’s point of view, and at apologizing if we’re wrong or when we see how the other person might feel hurt or aggrieved.

Then there’s the rest of us. Actually, virtually all of us.

Most of us aren’t so good at working through issues. We are taught to avoid conflict, and criticism, and we also have an inborn sense that, “of course I’m right and they’re wrong!” It’s human nature.

We also find it hard to admit we’re wrong, to admit weakness, and to risk getting our feelings hurt by making ourselves emotionally vulnerable.

But left unaddressed, over time, everything eventually blows up.

Most of us don’t like to fight, and when we do, we fight emotionally and focus on telling our partner what we want them to hear, rather than listening and trying to understand, discuss and fix whatever the issue may be, and making sure we understand the other person’s point of view. So hurt feelings multiply; we just aren’t good fighters.

And often, the way that some people –especially men– avoid hurt feelings and the discomfort of talking about emotions is to avoid the conflict all together, or to just stop engaging. So, if there’s an argument, we sulk, and perhaps even go to the silent treatment. Often this isn’t to punish our partner, but because we’re too mad to think and communicate clearly or without making things worse. So the argument doesn’t get resolved, and the inventory of hurt feelings grows further.

And when people stop talking and trying to work things out, this can poison the relationship to the point that it can’t be fixed.

“I don’t talk too much. I just have a lot to say.”

And on the flip side of the silent treatment is over-communicating.

Let’s say there’s a fight, and the couple has talked and debated exhaustively… and the issue is still not resolved. One person wants to keep at it… but the other is completely spent. It’s best at that point to take a break, pick it up again later. Some of us just need some time to think, to digest, and to get our frazzled brains and emotions gathered before we can again talk constructively about an issue.

If we keep going, the fight can get worse, where one person says something out of frustration and exhaustion that makes things worse. Or one person caves to just end the argument and move on. This isn’t good or fair either, although it’s a long-acknowledged negotiating technique. But you’re not working out a corporate merger or selling another person a used car; you’re working things out in your marriage. And if you don’t work things out fairly, you’re just adding to your future troubles.

If your partner needs a break, give them the break. But you have every right to ask them to commit to picking up the issues again at an agreed-to time.

Extraverts and Introverts

Remember that there’s a difference between extraverts and introverts.

Extraverts often love to drag everything out into the open and talk things through, and as soon as they’re thinking it, they’re saying it.

Introverts, on the other hand, need time to really consider everything until they’ve thought things through, and they’ve perhaps even rehearsed the conversation in their mind.

Throw things at Introverts without preparation, and they feel completely uncomfortable, unprepared, and like the other person isn’t fighting fair. But to an extravert, when the introvert pushes back on needing more time before they are ready to talk, it feels like the introvert is shutting them down and doesn’t care. That’s not the case, they just need time to gather their thoughts.

So, remember and accept that your partner may be different from you, and this is okay, even if you don’t completely understand it. The way your partner thinks, talks, and handles conflict doesn’t necessarily reflect how they feel about you.

“But I thought that…” / “You never said…”

False assumptions lead to the cooling of relationships when couples discover they strongly disagree on something important that they’d never talked about.

For example, how and where to vacation, when, and for how long. One person might want a relaxing week at the beach with their toes in the sand. The other person wants to explore a historic city, soaking in as much history and experiences as possible. Who compromises?

Or, it might be the couple disagrees on how much money to save for retirement versus how much to spend on those same vacations.

And there’s always the issue of sex: how often and for how long? As the newness of the relationship fades, perhaps one partner is feeling less interested and adventurous, to the alarm of the other.

And People Are Just Different

And what if two people find they don’t put the same importance or emphasis on some things?

We all enjoy different things and make some things priorities that others don’t. Me, I like watching football. On a list of things my wife enjoys, that rates somewhere just above watching Ken Burns’ documentaries. Which she finds painfully boring, but that I also happen to enjoy.

How about when one spouse is passionate about something that the other spouse views as unimportant or uninteresting? And worse, what if the first spouse thinks it should be important to the other? And the other spouse just can’t make themselves care. For example, I agree the living room should be painted. My wife, however, had a long list of details of critical importance that she wanted my full and unwavering attention. And I try, but I just can’t put my mind to it. Here, her unstated expectations are not being met, leading to feelings of betrayal, rejection and hurt feelings.

Boom. Instant conflict.

In our own relationship, this has happened frequently. Personally, having a showplace home is not important to me. All I really want is to have a comfortable spot where I can put up my feet and use my laptop and watch TV, a soft bed, and a spot in the corner of the garage for my workbench. If I were to decorate, I’d rather have some quirky, interesting objects and posters that communicate ideas and novelty. Maybe a velvet Elvis tapestry, perhaps some gritty proof art from pulp fiction novels from the 60’s of a hardened private detective bursting into a hotel room, gun drawn.

That doesn’t fly with my gal. She wants a home she can be proud of, that friends could envision being featured in a home magazine when they visit. I joke with her sometimes about decorating my way instead.

She finds this monumentally un-amusing.

Actually, she sees it as me making fun of something that is important to her. So, I’ve mostly stopped joking about it. Although I still do occasionally see something, say a huge 1970’s Spencer Gifts Lava Lamp at a garage sale, and will suggest it would look great on our mantle. She never fails to give me a dirty look. I laugh and let it go. Call it a flaw of mine, that I needle her once in a while, jokingly. It shouldn’t be a big deal to her. But it is. And I guess my needling is to point this out to her, and remind her that I let her do what she wants. Not that it gets me any credit.

Although I should mention that she did give me permission to decorate the garage and basement any way I like.

Joking aside (well, actually, that’s not a joke, it’s really what she said), this was a case where we compromised, and we do things her way because it’s more important to her. And when she wants to talk about things that are important to her, like decorating, I really do try to sit down and give her my full attention.

And in fairness to my wife, she did make absolutely sure that I had a comfortable place to sit.

But, the key point here is that if two people feel strongly about something, and disagree, the disagreement can sap the energy of a relationship, and the feeling of intimacy. It doesn’t matter if it’s how to decorate, what possessions to purchase, or how to raise the kids: any kind of conflict can cause two people to view each other as adversaries.

In any relationship, the two people need to decide on priorities and what’s important and where they can compromise, and where they can’t.

And in the case of decorating our house, my wife has carte blanche, and I agree to not express my opinions afterwards since I wouldn’t express them ahead of time.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Nothing Can Be New Forever: Good Sex Fades

Why Are We Fighting?

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Understand Why You’re Fighting to Solve Arguments

I get home after a long day at work, with screaming bosses, backstabbing coworkers, and a self-destructing project that I’m on the hook to fix and which could have big consequences for my continued employment if I don’t figure out.

I walk in the door, and it’s the usual blur as I jump into Dad role, helping with homework, refereeing a fight, sitting down to dinner, then doing the dishes while my wife tells me about her day and frustrations.

As my wife talks I try to listen and respond despite my genetic manfault of not being able to multitask very well, which means specifically that I struggle to hear her while I’m trying to figure out how to get everything into the dishwasher.

When I finally get a chance to sit down on the couch next to her when the kids are squared away, I flip on the game… and she wants to talk more. All I want to do is zone out and let my punch-drunk brain and body marinate for a bit. But, she talks at me, and my attention wanders, and it’s not long before I realize that she’s asking me if I’m listening to her… and I’m not. Now her feelings are hurt, and that leads to a fight…

My wife and I have the same fights over and over. Maybe the circumstances are different each time, but the underlying themes repeat. As do the outcomes… or lack them.

Like all couples, we fight.

Why are we fighting? Often, the fights come down to issues of different expectations, many of which we have never talked about, where each of us assumes something completely different.

Or there’s a difference of perception; she feels that I did something that seemed selfish to her, or didn’t consider her and her needs or how it would make her look or feel. To me, often what I did seemed perfectly reasonable and rational, and I don’t understand what the big deal is. Which, to her, further proves I’m a jerk.

Or, she gets mad when she feels I ignore her, or don’t listen to her, like in the story that started this post. (If you haven’t done so already, download my free eBook, “Why Men Don’t Listen,” which is free to everyone who signs up for a free membership to this site.

Other times she says that I’m distant, or don’t care about her. That I don’t invite her into my life. To me, her assertions seem to come out of nowhere: I wasn’t shutting her out, I just didn’t have much to say, and I’m certainly not unhappy!

Some good portion of these things have to do with differences between men and women and how we think and communicate.

Contributing is our different expectations, as well as our differing needs for talk, empathy and companionship. And this isn’t just between genders, it’s between any two people.

And then there’s always conflict around sex. Given the stresses my wife experiences though the day, and her exhaustion and frustration levels, she is often too wound up or too tired for sex. Me, I’m much more ready to work off some stress with a bit of energetic sexual exercise. So, our mismatched libidos can be a source of frustration as well.

Sometimes, my wife feels that I don’t like her, or even feels that I hate her, particularly if we’ve had a fight. When she says things like this, I’m shocked. We had a fight, we’ll work things out. No two people are ever going to agree on everything. But that does knock me out of complacency, and usually motivates me to have a hard conversation I really don’t want to have –you know, one where I have to talk about my feelings or something I’d just as happily not talk about—which then gives her what she really wants, reassurance that I like and love her just as much as I ever have. I suspect that ultimately, and perhaps subconsciously, she makes these assertions as her way of getting what she wants : my attention, emotional connection and reassurance of our bond.

Interestingly, such conversations usually end up with me apologizing for whatever the fight was originally about, and me agreeing to do whatever it was she wanted me to do in the first place.

Why else do we fight? Money is always a good one… we disagree on what to spend, what to save, and what’s important. Often, the fight is really about power and control than about the actual money.

We fight about time… we don’t have much to spare, and anything one of us does can be seen as being at the expense of the other. Think of it this way: if I want to go meet some guys for a beer, who’s left on duty to get the kids fed, bathed, in their jammies and in bed? She is. And the same is true in reverse if she wants to meet her girlfriends. And once homework and kids’ sports kick into gear, it gets an order of magnitude harder.

We fight because of our perception that the other should –or should not– be doing something differently. We pass judgment on them and their choices, because ultimately, we feel their actions have an effect on us or show how they feel about us.

And I’ll admit it: we can both sometimes be selfish, thoughtless, irritable, and rude, especially when we’re tired or stressed. We are human. But at the same time, we can both be generous, kind, forgiving and pleasant. We are all a combination of the good and the bad. Even Mother Theresa probably had her bad days.

Fights are inevitable. So make the best of it.

So, we fight. What have we found that works to mend things?

We both try to be grateful, and recognize that for every one irritant, there were probably ten kindnesses that went unnoticed.

When we lash out at each other, we try to admit it, and apologize quickly. We each know how it feels to be on the receiving end.

I ask her to be nice to me, and I try to be nice in return. Her anger can really hurt my feelings, but often this anger is borne of other frustrations rather than my actions. I try to not get mad in return, and try to not lash out in response; that just makes things worse. And when tempers have cooled, we can touch on things and work it out. I apologize, and she apologizes.

I apologize even when I don’t feel I’m necessarily in the wrong. I try to think about how she feels, and often I can see that her feelings were hurt because she felt I wasn’t thinking of her and how she’d feel. So I apologize for this, and try to show her that I’m thinking now about how she felt. I apologize because our relationship is more important to me than my pride.

We try to not fight in front of the kids. But like everybody, we still do. And this isn’t a bad thing… everyone fights. If the kids can see us work things out, that’s good. And if we don’t, that’s okay, too. They can see that people disagree. And if things get too heated, they can see us agree to table things.

Unfortunately, they can also see us exhibit bad behavior as well. Raised voices, unfounded accusations, perhaps even one or the other storming off once in a while. And there’s a lesson in such events as well, of what not to do. Especially when they see us apologize and work things out later.

And there have been times when we haven’t worked things out, or not for a long time. Times when, frankly, I have been a jerk. And so has she. Of course both of us think our actions are stellar examples of principle and maturity at the time. But, over time, we’ve learned that we are each still growing, and are not perfect. We accept each other’s faults, and that neither of us are perfect. Although one of us might still say she’s more perfect than the other. 😉

What’s the different between those who stay together, and those who don’t?

In my opinion, it’s the willingness to talk, to listen, and to do the hard work of talking things through. Admitting that perhaps you aren’t always right, or that there’s more than one way to see things.

Staying together is also showing you care enough about your partner and your relationship to be honest and open, and if necessary to make changes.

It’s to think about your partner, and how your choices impact them.

It’s also to forgive, and to accept differences. To not always need to be right. To respect the other person’s feelings, as well as their opinions, even if you don’t agree.

With enough effort, you can work through any issue, as long as you don’t cross into the big relationship killers of abuse (mental, physical or emotional), adultery (and other betrayals) or abandonment. The best thing to do is to not let it get to that point.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Relationship Issues are Everywhere

Your Dying Sex Life

November 3, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

A dying sex life is all too common…

Paul turns off the lights in the kids’ rooms. They’re all tucked in, bedtime stories are told, and now he has loving on his mind. It’s Saturday night, and this is probably his only opportunity for the week. He slips into the master bedroom and sees his wife Elaine propped up on a few pillows, in her threadbare but comfy cotton nightgown. Tonight she’s reading a novel; other nights she’s playing Candy Crush or watching the new episode of Scandal. Paul brushes his teeth, and then heads towards the bed.

Elaine ignores him until he’s turning the sheets back, and then she looks up at Paul with some annoyance. She knows what he wants… and she isn’t really in the mood. She knows it’s been a week since they last made love… but she’s tired, and just not feeling it. They have a boring sex life at best. But if he insists, she’ll feel guilty if she doesn’t accommodate him.

Meanwhile, Paul tries to remain positive, but he can read the body language, and already he knows he has the choice of either nicely taking the brush-off, or pushing it and getting sex with an unenthusiastic, borderline resentful partner… which is almost worse than not getting sex at all. But it’s been a week… he’s starving for sex…

If you’ve been together for a while, this may sound all too familiar. The novelty and newness is gone, one or both partners are having libido issues, and the life is just getting sucked out of the relationship.

You can barely find time for sex at all, and when you do it’s not as good as it used to be. You can feel the intimacy waning. And you don’t know what to do about it.

Your sex life is dying.

We don’t have enough time for ourselves. We don’t have enough time for each other. And unsurprisingly, we aren’t having enough sex and what sex we are having is terrible.

Even worse, for some the sex even stops all together. Perhaps it’s stress. Or no time. Or the sex got boring. Or one or the other partners lost their libido. Or the sense of intimacy in the relationship failed due to other problems in the relationship. It’s hard to feel sexy and want intimacy when you’re angry and resentful.

So, how about you?

Are relationship issues impacting your sex life?

Or, are sex life issues impacting your relationship?

Do you know why? Do you know how to fix things?

Here, I talk about relationship issues, conflict, communication, and how it’s all connected to feeling intimate with our partners and our sex lives. But I feel very strongly about one thing:

A healthy sex life is a requirement for a vibrant marriage.

And by healthy sex life, I mean one of quantity and quality that fulfills both partners, and reinforces and builds connection. You can’t get more intimate than when you have sex; pleasing your partner, them pleasing you, and letting your barriers down and making yourself vulnerable. You keep things fresh by admitting your fantasies to each other, and lovingly fulfilling those fantasies without judgment and with understanding. This kind of intimacy is nourishing, cathartic, exhilarating, and fulfilling.

But so many people are missing out. Perhaps you are one of them.

Love and sex are the greatest rewards of life. We all deserve to have someone to love, and to love us, and to have someone with whom we can let our guard down around and explore and experience our sexuality in different ways.

If you’re in a monogamous, long-term relationship, your partner is the only one you have for exploration of your sexual fantasies and get emotional fulfillment.

But in so many cases this isn’t happening. Why is this?

One or the other partner not being interested or available
Simple exhaustion and lack of time
Boredom
Health or mental challenges
Fear of a partner’s rejection for asking for new things
Concerns about being judged or doing things seem forbidden
Just not being aware of the possibilities that are out there
Lack of sexual interest in one’s partner

And of course there are traditional relationship issues; if you have those, you have another set of problems. But if you have a reasonably good marriage where the spark has just disappeared, this site and these posts can help.

This series of posts will talk about the issues that can lead to a loss of sexual desire, how you can address the, and how you can bring the spark back to your relationship.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Spice Up Your Sex Life to Increase Intimacy

Unravel your Relationship Conflict Issues

November 3, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Oh crap. Another fight…

…about whatever. Yeah, it’s money, it’s stress, it’s sex, it’s who said what or didn’t do something… but it’s more than that, too.

It’s things you can’t exactly put words to.

You’ve felt the distance grow between the two of you over time. There’s no time for each other, and when you do get time, you don’t connect. It’s just ongoing relationship conflict and fighting.

You feel unfulfilled. Disconnected. And your sex life sucks, too.

You just want more.

Let’s state the obvious: Long-term relationships are hard, especially nowadays. You’re struggling with the pressures of two careers, mounting bills, a couple kids, aging parents, kids’ sports, volunteering and trying to be the perfect wife or husband. You’re stretched to the breaking point.

It’s no wonder you’re going at each other. There’s no break.

You’re not happy. Neither is your partner.

And your sex life, at best, is infrequent and not particularly satisfying.

What’s the problem? Why so much Relationship Conflict?

Why is there ongoing relationship conflict? How do you fix it? What’s missing in your life?

And how do you fix it?

This series will help you figure it all out.

This site exists to help couples improve their relationships, communication, intimacy and sex lives through useful, educational and entertaining articles and stories.

Read these posts, and when you see something that makes you say, “Aha! That’s exactly how I feel!” share the item with your partner.

Interested in what I’ll be covering? Here’s the list of the topics I’ll cover in this series:

Unravel your Relationship Conflict Issues
Your Dying Sex Life
Spice Up Your Sex Life to Increase Intimacy
Why Are We Fighting?
Relationship Issues are Everywhere
Why Relationships Cool: What You Can Do About a Dead or Dying Marriage
Nothing Can Be New Forever
Our Stressful Lives are Killing our Relationships, Intimacy and Sex Lives
Sexless and Sex-starved Marriages
Decide What’s Important. And that Includes Talking about Sex
What to Do When your Sex Life is Dying and you Don’t Feel Close Anymore
Bring Back the Spark in your Relationship with These Tips!
Marriage, Part 1: Nourish your Relationship Emotionally, Mentally and Physically
Marriage, Part 2: What is a Happy Marriage?
Marriage, Part 3: Anger, Conflict and Communication
Marriage, Part 4: Fix Relationship Anger with Communication and Compromise
Marriage, Part 5: I’m Just Not Feeling the Spark Anymore. I’m feeling Unfulfilled
Marriage, Part 6: Reconnecting Sexually in a Marriage of Equals
Reignite the Spark in your Marriage with New Bedroom Adventures
Talking About Sex with your Partner, Part 1
Talking about Sex with Your Partner, Part 2: The Checklist
Talking about sex with your Partner, Part 3: Other ideas for discussing the sensitive topic of sex
When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 1
When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 2
Falling out of Love

Ready to get going? Then let’s go!

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Your Dying Sex Life