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You are here: Home / Archives for connection

Just in the Bedroom

November 6, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

If you join the Fetlife online community, the first thing you’re asked to do is to create a profile.  In your profile you describe yourself, your interests, and what you’re looking for on the site, from a romantic partner to friends to people who share your particular sexual interests. You’re also asked to describe your intensity of interest, and one of the choices you can select is “Just in the Bedroom.”

Just In the Bedroom fits me and my wife perfectly, so much so that I formed a group around it on the site.

It’s a fairly small group… some groups, like Novices and Newbies (recommended) have tens of thousands of members. Just in the Bedroom has a couple hundred gathered over the past year or so.

I think that part of the reason for this is that there’s a level of passion and commitment, and folks who get into fetish and kink are serious about it.

To be perfectly honest, folks who just roleplay a bit in the bedroom are a bit looked down upon by the most committed. Some feel that you can’t experience true submission unless you really dive into it, and enter a true power exchange relationship.

I understand these folks’ point, but I disagree. Like anything, I think it’s a matter of degree. For my gal and me, an occasional play session with me taking a dominant role satiates our desires and gives us what we need. Neither of us wants or needs a 24-7 master/slave relationship. And to be quite honest, I’ve never been attracted to potential partners who need or want me to take a 100% leadership role. I’ve always wanted a relationship of equals and partners.

It’s funny, though; in this crazy world nowadays, people are clearly mismatched, because a common topic on the site is people with submissive longings who wish their partner to take more of a dominant, leadership role. And some of these partners can’t or won’t. Or won’t take things far enough. It clearly causes anguish for all involved.

It’s also interesting that some majority of these folks tend to be submissive women, wanting their male partners to take more leadership and control. It is clearly a choice they’re making, and consensual. And because of that, I don’t believe that it’s anti-feminist. But sometimes it feels that way to me.

What’s also interesting to me is that I often pick up a vibe from the dominant males –or those who present themselves of such– that feels misogynist, selfish, narcissistic, and even psychopathic: more interested in manipulation and self-interest than true relationships, and are even unable and uninterested in forming real relationships. It disturbs me that women fall for this, and put themselves in these men’s hands.

Yet, this appears to be what some of these women want.

It seems that we are programmed to want things that aren’t always good for us. And there’s scientific evidence to support this. Women do tend to like assholes. Not sure? There’s lots of good stuff about this out there, but here’s a particularly readable post from Psychology Today.

So, what’s all this getting to?

Most women don’t want to be submissive or subservient. Nor do most men. Nor does either gender want to necessarily be dominant over their partner. But this causes some friction for those who do. And there is part of all of us that finds freedom scary and uncomfortable, and also not being in control. These are appetites, and some of us have stronger appetites than others.

So, if you want to satiate your appetites once in a while, you should. And if that’s enough, then you’re a Just-in-the-Bedroom kinda person like my wife and me.

Alternately, you may just want some kinky sex once in the while… and you don’t want any of that Dominance / submission, Sadism / Masochism, Bondage / Discipline stuff. And that’s fine, too. Maybe you’re fine with something else. (See my earlier post on Kinks.)

But ultimately, for all of us, we’re looking for love and connection, to have relationships that are fulfilling, that bring us closer and increase intimacy… and also scratch those itches that we have but sometimes can’t even explain to ourselves.

All this spicy sex stuff is fun.  It’s fulfilling.  It brings us closer together.  It helps us resolve issues in our relationships of increasing equality.

But, it’s not all there is.  There are people who aren’t kinky who sleep around and are good at bedding conquests, and ultimately those folks tend to be lonely and alone.  We know that seeking kink without connection will have the same result.  We who are Just in the Bedroom are looking to bring together traditional love and connection with the exhilaration of sexual exploration to make our relationships stronger and more vibrant, not just out of self-interest, but for love of our partner and what we have together.

It’s all good.

We are all different, and there’s not one “right” way to do spicy sex.  It’s what works for you and your partner, and what you do in your bedroom is your business, no one else’s.

As a friend said about Just in the Bedroom folks, “We’re as kinky as we want to be.” And no more.


Keeping The Spark Alive Index

Spicing Things Up Index

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Fallen out of Love

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

“I love you… but I’m not in love with you.”

Those words are usually spoken by wives to their husbands, and it means it’s the end.

The woman has fallen out of love.  And she doesn’t find him sexually attractive anymore.

There could be any number of reasons. The usual ones are that the couple grew apart, found flaws in their relationship, their priorities changed, or just couldn’t get along. More extreme reasons are abuse, infidelity, financial irresponsibility, or maybe the person just met someone else.

But, let’s think about the last item. Let’s suppose that the guy is a great husband who believes in equality and supports his wife. He vacuums, cooks, takes care of the kids. He encourages his wife to have her own career and interests, listens to her, rubs her neck. He doesn’t push sex on her when she’s tired and stressed. She starts thinking of him not just her husband… but her best friend.

And then she meets the testosterone-laden alpha male who may not do any of those things… but lights her fires like they haven’t been aflame in years. She obsesses on this new man… and gives her nice, caring husband the heave-ho.

Why?

They aren’t rational.

Or, let’s take the flip side of the coin. A guy has a wife who is perfect in every way… but he starts sleeping with a coworker who he’s fallen in love –and lust– with. He throws away his marriage and everything he had.

Again, why?

Hormones again.

Our hormones are addictive. They control us, subconsciously. And they impact both sexes equally.

They drive us to do stupid things for shitty reasons.

But there is an answer

And the answer is that both partners need to be honest with themselves and each other about what they want. And often, this means non-politically correct sex.

In the case of my wife and me, we have found that occasional roleplay in the bedroom resets the stresses of relationship of equals, recharges us, and gives us a cathartic outlet that brings balance to our relationship.

We don’t do it all the time, and we need our regular sexual connection as well. But me taking the dominant role, acting the alpha and giving her orders I expect obeyed lets my wife see me in a more masculine way that she secretly hungers for.  And to trigger her enjoyment she has to make the mental shift to surrender and give up control… which is a hard thing for her to do, but ultimately is liberating and cathartic for her.

It’s been the answer for us, and increasingly, science is proving this out.

So, for those wives and husbands who have lost interest in their partner, who have fallen out of love or are risk of doing so, I firmly believe an occasional session of such roleplay does wonders, and can heal some of what is potentially fatally stressing the relationship.

And with that, we end this series of posts.

The next series of posts is called Spicing Things Up: Ignite your Passion! The first post explains what folks enjoy about spicy sex and things that aren’t politically correct but which are bringing back the spark in marriages and relationships.


Read the first post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Why Do People Like the Spicy Sex Stuff?

Keeping The Spark Alive Index

Spicing Things Up Index

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Marriage, Part 5: I’m Just Not Feeling the Spark Anymore. I’m feeling Unfulfilled.

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan 2 Comments

No Spark in Marriage

Maybe you don’t have big issues, but are just feeling unsatisfied in your marriage and sex life.

How do you reignite the spark that has died?

This may be surprising, but it’s not flowers, love notes, a surprise date, or a massage.

Some of it is just connecting again.

If you feel like you’re just roommates, cohabitating but who have nothing in common, then you both need to remember what it was that attracted you to each other in the first place. Then, think of how to recapture that spirit. If it was sports, go someplace and play or watch what you enjoyed. If it was music, go to a show. If it was art, or poetry, or a shared passion, get out of your rut and make the effort to reconnect through what brought you together in the first place.

Then, clear out distractions, and talk, like you’re on a first date. Ask questions. Be interested in each other. Ask your partner to tell you something you didn’t know, about them or what you’re doing.

Often, much of our attraction to each other is based on newness, novelty, and surprise. Find ways to do things together that inspire these things. Build new connections and experiences together.

If you keep doing the same thing you’ve always done… you’ll keep getting the result you’ve always gotten.

Get out of your rut.  Go on dates.  Do new things.  Have an adventure.

Everyone gets bored doing the same thing, in the same four walls, predictably and invariably. So, mix it up. Go for a walk. Find a concert. Go window shopping. Book a cruise.  Keep things new for both of you!

Spicing things up

It is amazing to me that even with all the sexual imagery we’re all bombarded with, how many people seem to have disappointing sex lives. Sex that is either infrequent or where missionary on Saturday night is about as good as it gets.

Some folks are hung up about admitting their desires or curiosity about various things. Others have moral or religious reservations about doing things that seem “dirty.” Or, they are afraid of how their spouse may respond.

My opinion is that what happens in your own bedroom is no one’s business but your own. If you want to order something sexy out of a Victoria’s Secret catalog… or Frederick’s of Hollywood, do it. And if you want to get something that buzzes, vibrates or plugs in, for heaven’s sake, do it already. Your partner will more than likely be thrilled. And if they’re not, then it’s a great conversation opener about why not… and how you’re not getting experiences you’d like to have.

And that goes for other things you might like to try, watch or participate in as well.

My next series of posts gives a ton more details about how to spice things up… and what people like and find sexy about those things.

But what about when it’s not about trying something new… but just a lack of desire, period?

In my next post, I talk about reconnecting sexually.


Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Marriage, Part 6: Reconnecting Sexually in a Marriage of Equals

Keeping The Spark Alive Index

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Marriage, Part 2: What is a Happy Marriage?

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Maybe when you read Part 1 on Marriage, you thought, “Yeah, yeah. People can get out of marriages, and do if they’re not happy. Got it. And you think marriage is great, yada, yada. Great. Well, my marriage isn’t so great. What’s this nonsense about nourishing it, already?

Well, let’s say there are three states of marriage:

  • Happy,
  • Unhappy and
  • one with Warning Signs.

Let me ask you: What are the signs of a happy marriage?

Take a moment and think about it before you read on.

Okay, ready? Here’s my list. See how much you overlap.

The Signs of a Happy Marriage

  1. You’re not unhappy. Okay, it’s answering the question with the question. But it’s true.
  2. You feel you have a shared purpose and are working together to get there.
  3. You look forward to spending time with each other.
  4. You listen to each other.
  5. You do things for each other to make each other happy.
  6. You hold hands.
  7. When you disagree, you try not to get upset, you try to find a way to work things out.
  8. Your arguments focus more on understanding each other than proving who’s right.
  9. You don’t always have to agree, you respect your differences.
  10. You encourage each other to have your own interests, friends and hobbies.
  11. Your sex life is good in both quality and quantity.
  12. You say “I love you.”
  13. You are interested in each other.
  14. You are proud to be married to each other.
  15. You make time for each other.
  16. You talk about what’s important to each other, and make sure each person is getting what they need.

What does an unhappy marriage look like? Well, just take the opposites of the list above.

And a marriage with Warning Signs? Every case is different, but let’s say it’s that you can’t say yes to all of the above.


Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Marriage, Part 3: Anger, Conflict and Communication

Keeping The Spark Alive Index

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About Matchstrike Media

About Us

Matchstrike Media publishes books that help couples improve their lives, relationships and sexual fulfillment in a fun, relatable, and educational way. What we create is designed to appeal to both partners and bring couples closer together. Read More…

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Recent Posts

  • My free story on Literotica: Surprise Seduction
  • How do I tell her I need more sex? Or how do I tell him I need more sex?
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‘Keeping the Spark Alive’ Series

Unravel your Relationship Conflict Issues

Your Dying Sex Life

Spice Up Your Sex Life to Increase Intimacy

Why Are We Fighting?

Relationship Issues are Everywhere: Can you save your Marriage?

Why Relationships Cool: What You Can Do About a Dead or Dying Marriage

Nothing Can Be New Forever: Good Sex Fades

Our Stressful Lives are Killing our Relationships, Intimacy and Sex Lives

Sex-starved and Sexless Marriages

Decide What’s Important. And that Includes Talking about Sex.

What to Do When your Sex Life is Dying and you Don’t Feel Close Anymore

Bring Back the Spark in your Relationship with These Tips!

Marriage, Part 1: Nourish your Relationship Emotionally, Mentally and Physically

Marriage, Part 2: What is a Happy Marriage?

Marriage, Part 3: Anger, Conflict and Communication

Marriage, Part 4: Fix Relationship Anger with Communication and Compromise

Marriage, Part 5: I’m Just Not Feeling the Spark Anymore. I’m feeling Unfulfilled.

Marriage, Part 6: Reconnecting Sexually in a Marriage of Equals

Reignite the Spark in your Marriage with New Bedroom Adventures

Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 1

Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 2: The Spicy Sex Checklist

Discussing your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 3: Other Ideas for Discussing the Sensitive Sex Topic of Spicy Sex

When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 1: The No Sex Marriage

When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 2: Health and Hormone Issues

Fallen out of Love

‘SPICING THINGS UP’ SERIES

Why Do People Like the Spicy Sex Stuff?

Becoming a Kinky Couple Reignites Your Relationship and is a Blast!

How Normal People Are Getting into Kink: More Stories

Is Bondage Wrong? Not if Wives Want a Strong Man in Bed and an Equal Partner the Rest of the Time.

Your Crazy Sexual Desires Don’t Make Sense. Enjoy ’em Anyway!

Explore Kink: Ten Spicy Sex Life Improvers for Couples!

Interest your Partner in the Exhilaration of Spicy Sex and Kink

No Spicy Dice: My Partner is Not Interested in Kinky Sex

The Spicy Internet: The Good, the Bad, the Great, and the Awful…

Why Kink and Spicy Sex Still isn’t Accepted

Just in the Bedroom

How Normal Couples Get into Kink: Our Story

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