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You are here: Home / Archives for counseling

When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 2: Health and Hormone Issues

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Often, the person who won’t have sex doesn’t see it as a big deal.

But it is for the other person.

Both partners need to realize this. And need to work together to solve the issue.

Reading the comments on a Psychology Today article about whether sexless marriages justify infidelity, it seems that the person who doesn’t want to have sex often doesn’t understand their partner’s distress and unhappiness.

I read some comments on an article about sexless marriages where a woman said she was just done, and her husband needed to deal with it, and she didn’t see it as a bit issue.

But it clearly is an issue when a spouse won’t have sex. And some people have an unwillingness to admit there’s a problem, especially with them.

Sometimes, it’s simple self-centeredness.

But other times, it’s hormones.

We are share many traits with other species, particularly in the limbic system of our brain. In humans, a rational brain evolved over millions of year, but it is on top of the primal, pre-rational brain that existed for hundreds of million years before in one form or another. The primitive parts of our brain are still there, and are primarily responsible for our emotions and many of our behaviors. And sometimes what our emotions want and what our rational brain knows is good for us are two different things.

And if we have a hormonal imbalance, our sex drive can drop or disappear. Science has shown that women’s libido is directly correlated with estrogen and testosterone.

So, it’s not a stretch to say that when these levels drop, due to menopause or something else, women’s libidos tank.

These hormones are also especially sensitive to stress. When women are stressed, they produce more of the stress hormone cortisol as well as adrenaline, which has been shown in studies to depress libido.

So. One of the first things to address, beyond chronic health issues, are issues related to menopause and stress. There are things that a person can do about these, either with a physician –particularly a holistic or alternative medicine doctor– or mental health professional.

But, let’s say something that isn’t said often: the person who is suffering from these issues often do not feel they have an issue, and have no desire to have them addressed. Even if their spouse is suffering, and their marriage is suffering, mentally they feel that the other person is over-reacting and should just let it go. Sex, they feel, should not be the basis of a marriage, as a marriage is more than just sex.

One one hand, yes, that’s true.

On the other hand, sex is part of marriage. Part of the implied contract is that both spouses will remain faithful. But, this also presupposes that the couple is having sex, and adequate sex. When one person can’t or won’t have sex, that marriage contract is being broken, although perhaps unintentionally.

If your partner won’t agree that lack of sex is an issue, then you need to get marriage counseling to help you work through the issue.

Marriage Counseling

My wife and I have had our issues.

Everyone does.

We’ve been fortunate, though, that they haven’t been serious issues compared to others. No alcohol or substance addictions. No abuse, physical or otherwise. No infidelity or affairs. No growing apart or significant issues with anger or resentment.

But, we have had our issues. Often they’re around expectations, lack of communication, or things we never talked about around how we want to live our lives.

By far, the biggest issue for me was been when our sex life withered on the vine.

We were having an increasing number of disagreements and fights. We didn’t feel as close. We didn’t spend quality time together. And it worked out time after time that she won’t have sex.

And although rationally I knew it wasn’t her fault, seething below the surface I was angry that I wasn’t getting sex. That she wasn’t making herself available to me. That she didn’t want me. That she didn’t care about me. That she rejected me when I did ask. That, my subconscious insisted, she didn’t really love me.

And on top of that, she was irritable, anxious, depressed and defensive as a result of her condition. Our fights were the worst of our marriage… and often, I had no idea where they came from or even what they were really about. And she’s always had the ability to go on the offense when she felt defensive. Our fights never went well for me.

During one of our fights, I can’t even remember about what, I said that maybe we needed marriage counseling.

Oddly, that cooled her off. Although I did frame it as it being to help me understand all the things I was doing wrong so I could be a better husband.

But to her mind, it showed that I did want to be married to her, and I did want to work things out.

And somehow, that right there triggered me to really immerse myself in her health issues, as I realized that I really needed to get those solved first, before there was any point in addressing other relationship issues.

Plus, frankly, I had read enough to suspect that if I could get her health issues addressed, her libido should return. And that should go a long way towards fixing the tension between us.

And it has.


Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Fallen out of Love

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When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 1: The No Sex Marriage

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

When you got married, or when you started your relationship, you probably didn’t talk much about how much sex to have. You were probably too busy having sex, and just made the assumption that things would be fine.

But then, years passed. In our case, about fifteen. We had kids. We got hit with aging parents who needed our attention. And then all the crap involved in raising kids really took off with sports and extracurricular activities.

Plus, we’re in our forties now, not our twenties.

Our sex life fell off.

It fell off gradually, but measurably, with each kid, and with each life event. Until it got to the point where we were sometimes going a month or more without having sex.

Once a month may seem better than nothing, but as I looked into it online, I found we fit the definition of a no sex marriage, or sexless marriage.

Talking with other people online, this is pretty common. And understandable. But it sucks for lots of reasons.

Complicating Issues: Health

We also had another issue that we really needed to solve before anything else: her increasing health issues. These issues caused her to be constantly exhausted, unable to lose weight pounds no matter how carefully she ate and exercised, unable to sleep, constipated and irritable and in a bad mental frame of mind most of the time. She really was a trooper and did her best, but by the time we got alone time at night or on the weekends, she was just too wiped for much. And, to add insult to injury, her condition also took out her libido.

It really, really sucked.

It wasn’t her fault, and I kept that in mind. But it finally got to the point where it was impacting our marriage such that I had to get involved since her doctors weren’t able to help her. With research, I found there were alternative treatments to which the medical establishment was hostile… and which had a long track record of success, and didn’t require expensive pharmaceutical drugs. I took the time to really research and learn everything I could, then approached my wife and our PCP with the facts and evidence, and she agreed to try the new treatment plan, thankfully. In less than a month, I had my old wife back.

So, the moral of that sub-story is to take things into your own hands if you need to. And before you can solve any other issues, you have to solve any underlying health issues first.

No sex when there aren’t health issues

In other posts I’ve said what I truly believe: a healthy sex life is absolutely critical for a healthy relationship.

Sex is the most intimate thing that two people can do together. You open yourself up, trust the other person, and please the other person. If all goes well, you both can admit the things you like and do them for each other, without judgment, because it makes the other person happy.

Guys need sex

Yes, women need sex, too. And some guys don’t need sex. But most of us do, and we feel the lack more than women seem to when we don’t get it.

Bus I have also noticed something else that I don’t think women often don’t understand.

Beyond the fact that guys want and need sex to feel loved, there is also a rush of endorphins or other brain chemicals from the limbic system when certain thresholds are crossed. It may be equivalent to the rush women feel when a man says, “I love you” or opens up his soul.

For me, I have felt rushes of overwhelming love for my wife the first time we have tried new sexual things, or when she admitted she wanted to try some forbidden sexual thing, or would be willing to do some other sexual thing with me.

It is a material demonstration of her love for me and trust for me. Those are pinnacle moments of my life that I’ll always remember, when I feel completely loved and fulfilled. And it doesn’t just need to be some new act of sexual adventure; it can be something that we’ve done before, that she asks me for, but clearly wants.

I think there’s something deep and primal in our souls that hungers this moment, where there is no doubt that we as men are wanted, desired, and trusted with the secrets of our woman’s soul, proof that our women want to have sex with us in a primal way, all walls down.

And the bath of brain chemicals that surges through my body is amazing in those moments, and washes away all previous cares and previous frictions. It energizes and fulfills me deeply. I’m connected. Actualized. Fulfilled. And I never feel closer to my woman than in those moments.

I don’t need that kind of sex all the time. Maybe not even often. But I need it. And when I don’t ever get that kind of sex, it’s an issue.

And the same thing is true for women.

And if you’re in a no sex marriage, you’re not getting it.

When the frequency and quality of the sex decreases, that’s another issue.

I don’t want sex every day. Given our current crazy schedules, I don’t even want it every other day. But twice a week would be good. I’ll settle for once a week.

When it gets less than once a week… it’s an issue. Maybe it’s not my wife’s fault, but I’m not getting satisfaction.

Then, if the quality of what sex we do have drops to the bare minimum… the issue goes from big to huge. No one enjoys having sex with someone who doesn’t want to be there.

When sex stops… marriages end. Whether it’s the male or female partner who doesn’t want to have sex, the other partner feels rejected and lost. And their needs are unfulfilled. Maybe some folks hang in there, for various reasons. But it’s no longer a marriage if there’s no sex.


Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 2: Health and Hormone Issues

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Relationship Issues are Everywhere: Can you save your Marriage?

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

My best friend from high school hadn’t had sex with his wife in years. She was also a financial adulteress, generating huge bills on luxury items for herself while not working, putting the burden fully on him to pay for her extravagant spending.

They had other issues as well, but he couldn’t get her to discuss them at all, much less rationally.

The divorce took years, and he needed therapy to move on with his life.

Another friend, this one from college, had a similar situation. He married his college sweetheart, a woman with a huge heart and absolutely no self-control. She never worked, and gained weight to the point of becoming morbidly obese. She had initially provided the emotional nourishment he lacked growing up, but later her own issues sunk their marriage. Like my other friend, he is remarried now, and seems much happier now with a woman much more emotionally mature. She got a huge alimony payment, and found a new husband quickly.

Then there was a close female friend from college who divorced her husband after he stopped coming home much, preferring long business trips and a job far enough away from home that he got an apartment in the city. Both she and her husband both had extremely demanding careers that they put first, and their awesome young sons wound up spending most of their days with grandma. The resentment of neither one of them being willing to sacrifice their careers for the other, or for the family, became a source of constant friction, fights and anger. Nasty fights evolved into sullen silences, and then eventually mutual hated.  The relationship ended in a divorce that was brutal for both its emotional and financial toll, as well as a particularly nasty custody battle.

These stories probably sound familiar. We all have friends who have separated, especially if we’re of a certain age.

And those are just the divorces; other relationship issues are everywhere. Relationships are lousy with frictions between partners.

The difference in those who stay together and those who don’t is probably most often around communication, commitment, expectations and willingness to forgive, to accept and to be grateful.

Some Relationships Can’t Be Saved. And Shouldn’t Be.

If you’re having issues, you need to decide first whether the issues are ones that can be worked out, or the kind that can’t.

What kind of relationship issues have a low probability of getting worked out? Here’s a partial list:

  • A spouse who unrepentantly maintains has a string of affairs.
  • The spouse who won’t connect emotionally.
  • The spouse who won’t control their spending to the point the family faces major issues, including eviction.
  • The abusive spouse.
  • The husband or wife who refuses to address an alcohol or other addiction
  • The spouse who just turned out to be batsh*t crazy, and can’t or won’t change.
  • The spouse who won’t admit or address big issues.
  • And, perhaps, the sexless marriage.

In some cases there may be reasons to stay with a bad marriage. Perhaps for the good of the kids. Perhaps it’s tolerable, and better than the cost of divorcing. Perhaps the spouse is okay with a spouse having sexual relationships outside marriage. Perhaps, for all the flaws, you love the other person, and can’t imagine being without them.

But, if there are issues of safety involved, for you or your children, I would say that you have a moral obligation to really consider leaving the relationship.

And if you are miserable and your spouse does not care about you enough to treat you with respect, or is incapable of changing, then you have a responsibility to yourself to weigh the options and decide if a life of endless unhappiness and lack of fulfillment is fair to you. Life is short; if you spend it being miserable, are you really making the most of your life? I would say no. And while the idea of happiness is very much a Western idea that is not globally accepted as important, I would say that at the minimum, you have a right to make sure you’re not living in misery.

Some Relationships Can’t Be Fixed

Sometimes, couples just grow apart. They may find out that while they married for what seemed like good reasons, but there was no real glue holding their relationship together.

Others find that after the kids are gone, that they have nothing in common anymore.

Some find that they did not expect the exhaustion and lack of time that comes with adulthood, raising kids, and having a career.

Some folks discover sooner that they have different expectations. Expectations that they never talked about –or thought about– until after they had married. Maybe they have different expectations on vacations, how to spend leisure time, how much time to spend together, or what their sex life is going to be like.

If you’re in a situation that sounds like one of these cases, and you are emotionally remote from each other and the intimacy has disappeared from your relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t fix things.

Many Relationships Can Be Fixed. Remember that Relationships Take Work.

In these cases, honest discussion and hard work can be enough to work through these disagreements. Not that it’s easy. But taking the time to identify the problem, then talking through options, can be huge in finding a solution. But it will require honest communication and maturity. It may take going back to square one, identifying what each of you want out of your relationship and partnership, what you like about each other, and coming to agreement on a new, shared purpose.

Sometimes emotions can be a huge part of the issue. For us, talking about money has always been that killer issue: for her, money is very much connected to the issue of independence and control, and having someone tell her –or even just suggest– how to spend money makes her defensive at best. So two people can view money very, very differently. But they can certainly still love one another despite the disagreement.

If you want to make your relationship better, though, don’t avoid the issues. The next time that the time is right, ask your spouse what your two biggest relationship issues are. Not how to fix them, just see if you agree on what they are. Then, from there, you can think about them and hold a series of less stressful conversations about various points of the issue over time.

It won’t solve all your problems instantly. But at least you’ll be working on the top priorities. And notice that you’re asking your spouse for what their issues are. You’re investing in them. But fair is fair, and it is inevitable and fair that you will bring up your own top issues in matter of course.

If you each have different views on what the problems are, you can work through that, too.

Consider Marriage Counseling

If you have trouble talking about things, or even identifying the issues, then seriously consider marriage counseling. You’d see a doctor if you had a health problem that was threatening your life; why wouldn’t you consider meeting with a trained professional if you have a relationship issue that’s threatening your marriage? Position it as something to help you work through what you can do better in the relationship, not as something to address your spouse’s faults. Say “me” or “us,” not “you.” No one likes “you.”

The key point is that you are committed to your marriage, and are willing to do the hard work it takes to save your marriage. Even if it hurts. Even if it means conflict, and hurt feelings as you work through the issues. And, if you’re willing to accept that, then you should also be willing to admit that there are professionals who see these kinds of issues all the time, and can help you work things through faster, better and more completely than you can do on your own if you find you’ve hit a roadblock.

You are important. Your marriage is important. First, talk, respectfully, and try to figure out the issues and then try to solve them on your own. It’s amazing how many couples just haven’t talked about their issues, in the interest of avoiding fights and hurt feelings. And when they talk, the find out what they thought their spouse thought, or what their own assumptions were, are totally different than what they thought.

And if you can’t do it on your own, there’s no shame in getting help. If anything, you should feel proud that you’re both willing to do whatever it takes to address your issues… even asking for help.


Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Why Relationships Cool: What You Can Do About a Dead or Dying Marriage

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