Sex Lives are Sucking.
Jen is a good girl. Good mom. Good wife. Good daughter. Good employee. She’s dedicated to everyone. Always on. Always thinking of others.
Her husband Mark is kind. Handsome. Attentive. Nice
And their sex life sucks.
They do it twice a week. Usually missionary after the kids go to sleep. Mark is gentle, loving, attentive to her needs. Usually she has a nice little orgasm, and falls asleep in Mark’s arms.
Sometimes, she just wants Mark to tear off her clothes, throw her down, and fuck her hard.
Maybe even pull her hair, spank her ass.
Of course, Mark would never treat the mother of her children that way.
So, she feels empty. And sometimes a few of her girlfriends give hints of wild nights and just-the-grownups trips away, things that they do in the bedroom that she hasn’t done. They don’t seem to ask themselves, “is bondage wrong? And she feels jealous, and a bit disappointed, and even a bit angry.
But good girls don’t want to do those kind of things. Right?
Well, actually, they do.
Things are changing: Kinky Sex is going Mainstream
50 Shades was a phenomenon, with moms and girlfriends reading and talking about having that kind of sex with that kind of focused, hungry, dominant man.
Maybe Jen secretly read the book. But she knows that in her long relationship with Mark, that he is not going to change that much. And Christian Grey in the book was a new man; she is not about to start a new romance.
But Jen is wrong.
She can have a new man, and a new relationship. And that man can be her husband. She just doesn’t get this. While there might be some barriers for Mark to overcome, he’d probably be delighted to delight his wife. And he’ll benefit, too.
First, Jen needs to decide what she wants out of this. Sex is nice, but really, she wants some adventure… and to feel desired. To feel more intimacy with her husband. And to fulfill some dark fantasies she can’t even put words to, around being… lusted for… owned… and taken.
She wants to feel that desire that Mark had for her when they were first together. And, for a time, she wants to forget her roles and responsibilities, and be free to live in that moment. She wants the freedom to revel in herself and her own pleasure, which she really can’t do with her mind buzzing with all of her other roles and responsibilities.
Mark, concurrently, really wants similar things. Besides every guy’s drive for passionate sex, he wants to rekindle the romance with his wife. He wants to feel closer, and wants her to feel closer to him. And, ultimately, because he’s a good guy, he wants to please his wife, and give her what she desires.
Mark may have to overcome conditioning about how to treat a lady… and Jen about how she should expect to be treated. But the key here is that this is just-in-the-bedroom stuff. This is fun, and temporary, and something two people that care and even love each other do, with respect and trust.
How do they do this?
How to have a Roleplay Session
Before a session, Jen and Mark agree who does what, as should you. It can be hard to ask for and discuss. But if one person is playing a king or queen, and the other the servant, it puts some distance between the people who they are in day-to-day life. And allows fantasies to be fulfilled.
It can be hard to ask. Before the session, you should agree to how things begin and end, and on safewords. (Safewords are special words that are used if things get too intense… often folks use “yellow” for “slow down!” and “red” for “Stop!”)
And if it’s hard to know what to do, you can do a checklist or read some erotic stories together. Maybe you identify a few things in advance that you might like to do or try. This way, both of you know what you’re getting into. And if there’s special equipment you have to get (“Honey, where’s your hairbrush?”) you guys can get things together ahead of time. And if both people know the limits and what’s expected, that reduces stress hugely.
If both people think of it as a scene in a play, that helps lower inhibitions. You’re playing roles, not yourselves, so you can do things you might not usually be comfortable saying or doing, as “it’s the character, not me!” That provides a bit of emotional distance from asking for things you want to try but are embarrassed to ask for.
I would guess that when the person who is fulfilling the request of their partner sees how sexually excited and enthusiastic the other person gets, well, there is no better positive reinforcement than that for continuing exploring.
The benefits are the excitement, fulfillment, and intimacy. Being able to share these things with your partner brings you closer. Maybe it’s an endorphin blast to your brain that makes you feel all goofy and happy… but, scientifically, isn’t that what love is, too?
Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Your Crazy Sexual Desires Don’t Make Sense. Enjoy ‘em Anyway!