feminism Archives - Matchstrike Media

Why Kink and Spicy Sex Still isn’t Accepted

November 6, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Kink and spicy sex isn’t mainstream because people pass value judgments on how you live your life.

In the past, there was a culture to uphold. Right or wrong, in Western culture heterosexual monogamy became the standard, and people quoted scripture to support that.

It became the standard because it worked. It codified expectations. Other cultures and traditions have had other ways. But with this sexually repressed system, Western culture did become ascendant.

But Western culture also gave the world the Enlightenment with a belief in rationality and equal rights, and we find ourselves in the culmination of this chain of events. And there have been culture wars for decades between the more liberal and conservative elements of society. It’s divided along red and blue political systems, but even beyond that.

Additionally, there is an increasing body of scientific evidence about how the brain has evolved and works that suggests that there are biological reasons for our cultural norms.

For example, there is evidence that if women are going to cheat, they tend to do it when they are most fertile and their estrogen is highest. If successful in doing so secretly, there is a chance that spouses could wind up raising children that aren’t their own, which is biologically counter-productive.

Additionally, women were traditionally dependent upon their heterosexual partner to provide for them while they raise their children, so keeping marriages intact and not having sex until married was important lest the woman not be able to raise her children, with cost to her family and society.

Yet, at the same time, men desire to spread their seed widely and often, seeking multiple partners. So among a male-dominated society, boys-will-be-boys attitudes proliferate.

We continue to experience vestiges of these social structures even today, particularly in conservative communities where people were raised with values and morals that supported this system.

But things are changing, with marriage no longer being required to allow women to support their children, or to remain in abusive or unfulfilling relationships.

Polygamorous marriages and non-marriages are becoming more common. And as men and women become more equal, new power structures are being explored. Which you, reading this, are doing yourself.

Cultural changes = relationship stress

But not everything is great. When there are no rules, or old rules are swept away, we all experience stress while we figure out new equilibriums.

A husband who discusses every decision with his wife as an equal, and even usually defers to her desires can find himself in a situation where she doesn’t respect him and his masculinity. While she wants to be an equal, deep down inside there’s a primitive urge for a strong man who exhibits his caveman-like behaviors.

It gets a bit pop-science-y, but women definitely express preferences for hyper-masculine when they are most fertile: alpha male jerks who exhibit dominant behaviors… and these are the men with whom they have one-night stands. Esther Perel put it best: “What we protest against during the day is what we desire during the night.”

It puts nice guys –men who are trying to live up to the expectations of gender equality– in a tough situation.

But for those who can swing it, some roleplay and spicy sex in the bedroom satisfies appetites that aren’t getting filled otherwise.

When women demand PC partners… then get bored

My dad left when I was five. Plenty of blame to go around, but the net result was that it left me to tag along with my mom as she immersed herself fully in the early-70’s Equal Rights movement. I was raised a feminist, and I have no regrets about that.

But, it took me a fairly long time to get into the mind of being able to dominate my wife in the bedroom. I raised to defer to women, to seek equality in all things, to not treat women like objects or a naughty girl that needed to be punished.

My wife would publicly deny she wants me to treat her like that in the bedroom, out of propriety and her reputation. But the fact is… she does. But only occasionally, and only in the bedroom. Oh, okay, or in a hotel room. 🙂

I wrote in another post how I finally got more comfortable with things, and my “Aha!” moment. And things have been great since then. Spicy sex has made our marriage and relationship stronger and better.

But the issue goes both ways. If you are a woman whose partner wants you to submit to him in the bedroom, you might slam into your own feminist beliefs. You might not have any submissive desires, or you might not feel able to admit them to yourself given how hard women have worked to get where they are today, and how they still have far to go both in Western society and globally.

Or, you might as a woman find yourself in a situation where you have a strong man who you fantasize about dominating… or who wishes to be dominated. That can be a particularly tricky one to figure out, especially for if your male partner is vanilla, not interested in kink, and either committed to or insecure about his masculinity. Being submissive in any capacity, spicy sex or not, could be psychologically difficult to accept.

But again, think of the stereotype of who sees dominatrixes: powerful, professional men who have the desire and means to give up power for a short time. If you want to try this, or if your man wants to try this kind of spicy sex, you should. See how you both like it, and remember how it’s only temporary and a game played in the bedroom.

And if you do try being dominant during some spicy sex in the bedroom, the same tip as always applies: start slow. And approach it the right way: I doubt there’s any guy who wouldn’t be willing to let you try out the furry handcuffs while you gave him a blowjob. See how that goes, and take it from there.

But if partner struggling with this, give them time to absorb and process after each experience.

Reconciling feminism with submissive fantasies

There is a controversial topic in feminist blogs about a common female fantasy of being overpowered during sex. It causes a lot of anguish, for obvious reasons. But studies show that four out of ten women have these fantasies… regularly. Why? There are theories. You can read a great high-level article from Psychology Today here for an overview. And the comments are even better.

But, if you are a woman struggling with the contradiction of submissive fantasies with your desire to maintain the hard-won advances that women have made in the past century, you aren’t alone. And some men are also sensitive to this.

My opinion –which some won’t agree with, including some feminist bloggers– is that fantasy is fantasy, and what excites you in the bedroom is your business. If you want your partner to roleplay your fantasies, and he’s willing, there is no stigma with that.

But I will also say that it took me some time to get my own mind to where I could be the person to make our roleplay sessions what my wife really wanted. And for me, it took me understanding how much my wife got off on it, how much she wanted me to get off on it, and then the secret sauce that this was acting for both of us (or perhaps a bit more). Our allowing ourselves to fulfill our own and each others’ desires was incredibly fulfilling and sexy.

Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Just in the Bedroom

Keeping The Spark Alive Index

Spicing Things Up Index

My Amazon Author Page

About Matchstrike Media

No Spicy Dice: My Partner is Not Interested in Kinky Sex

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan 1 Comment

What do you do if your partner just is not interested in kinky sex?

You probably got married before you really got interested in the steamy stuff. For most young couples, frequent sex is good enough. But over time, things cooled.

Maybe not just the intensity, but the frequency of the sex. Or maybe you just never had much of a sex life to begin with.

You started wanting to spice things up. And maybe you introduced the idea to your partner.

And each time, your partner wasn’t interested. The reasons could be anything… some of which were discussed in the previous post.

But in this post, let’s say that your partner just is not interested in kinky sex, and it’s been settled.

It’s a tough situation. What do you do?

First: are you still having sex at all?

If not, then you have bigger issues. If you’ve tried to talk to your spouse about it, and they won’t, then you really need to consider marriage counseling… because things often don’t just get better on their own. And a healthy marriage absolutely needs a healthy sex life as part of it. If you don’t have that, then one or both partners will be getting frustrated, resentful and angry, and may go looking for sex somewhere else.

Or possibly, the partner that doesn’t want sex may be getting it somewhere else. Possibly even with a member of the same sex.

Whatever the case, these issues need to be surfaced, and worked out. Relationships can’t survive dishonesty and lack of no connection. Or perhaps they can, but I personally don’t wish that kind of relationship on anyone.

Assuming you’ve worked things through and understand that your partner just doesn’t want kinky sex, but loves you and wants to continue having sex with you, what other options do you have?

There are some, such as Pamela Madsen, who feels okay going outside her marriage. That’s not for me, or us, and I find some of her rationalizations for her actions a… great stretch. But she kept her marriage with her husband even while taking on a dominant lover who fills her need for raunchy D/s sex, and her marriage to her husband seems strong.

But personally, I don’t think most of our marriages can survive spitting our attentions and affections beyond our spouse or partner, especially sexually. Others disagree. But in this blog, we’re looking at strengthening monogamous marriage.

You can read

How many wives read 50 Shades and suddenly found themselves desiring a more spicy relationship? Many, that’s how many. Much of our sex lives are in our brains. You can continue to read, and try to introduce small items into your vanilla lovemaking. “Hold my wrists.” “Tell me ‘I’m yours to do with as you please.'” “Let’s try this position.” Small things that your partner shouldn’t object to. Then, be diligent about verbally and physically expressing your pleasure and appreciation. Build that positive feedback loop. It pays off.

But he / she just can’t…

I had a lot of trouble getting over treating my wife like anything other than a lady and an equal in the bedroom.

In my case, it was that I was programmed as a child with a very feminist worldview. I don’t regret it… but it did impact our roleplay, and deep down, my wife hungered being taken and roughly used by a dominant man overcome by her sexuality and focused on nothing but satisfying his own urges.

It took me a long time, but finally I figured out the flip-side of the old trope, “submission gives her permission to be a dirty girl.” In my case, her acquiescence and desire for my dominance gave me permission to treat her like a dirty girl. That was huge, and the Rosetta stone for me. Because, frankly, I did want to. I wanted to see to my own needs and desires. But it had been drilled into me that you treat women as equals and not objects at all times.

But, one of the crazy revelations about BDSM –and why it’s getting so popular– is that deep down, at a primal level, we still have urges to treat each other in ways that aren’t politically correct. To quote the Eurthymics “Some of them want to use you / Some of them want to get used by you / Some of them want to abuse you / Some of them want to be abused.”

Some of us crave to dominate, some of us crave to submit… and sometimes, we even want the opposite when we’re with someone else.

There are theories that these are primal things wired into our brains, and while most of us are in the middle and generally just get along, some folks are more dominant and hunger to compete, win, and be in control, while others hunger to submit and serve.

There’s an interesting yin-and-yang. I have read that the person most interested in BDSM in the scene is almost always the powerful alpha male who craves submission, usually to a powerful woman. He seeks relief from his position of authority. And I think the same thing holds true for the many successful, strong women nowadays, who are always “on,” and seek an occasional respite from their heavy mantle of responsibilities by submitting in the bedroom.

Do you need it?

And if you’ve tried everything to get your spouse interested, and they just aren’t, you need to ask yourself if this is a need, or a want, and if you can satisfy your needs for connection, intimacy and sexual satisfaction in other ways. If you can’t, then there may be some hard conversations in your future.

Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: The Spicy Internet: The Good, the Bad, the Great, and the Awful…

Keeping The Spark Alive Index

Spicing Things Up Index

My Amazon Author Page

About Matchstrike Media

Why Do People Like the Spicy Sex Stuff?

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan 1 Comment

Everyone wants a fantastic sex life.

But… what is your definition of a terrific sex life?

For me, it’s really about connecting with my partner. Her excitement is what’s most exciting to me. And some of the best sex we’ve had has been plain “vanilla.” Nothing fancy, but where we fed off each other’s exhilaration. I think we all can relate: think of the excitement of the first time you had sex with your partner, with the anxiety, excitement and the thrill of it.

But newness fades. So to keep things fresh we try new things. Not just for the novelty, but to explore and excite our partners, and excite ourselves in return.

Of course, some folks don’t try new things. The result can be “bed death,” a phrase I find so perfectly descriptive. It’s when the sex gets so dull that neither partner sees the point anymore.

So, to stay enthusiastic, we try new things. Sometimes we try the Spicy Sex Stuff, which is more often known as “kink.” Kinky stuff is everywhere nowadays. Books. Movies. Magazines. TV shoes. And it’s a popular topic of conversation.

But you may not know anybody that actually does it. Or admits to doing it. Yet people clearly are doing it. After 50 Shades, became popular, hardware stores reported they were selling out of rope.

And people were into this stuff before 50 Shades came around. My wife and I got into this as a direct result of her interest from reading Ann Rice’s Sleeping Beauty series long before I even met her. (link to affiliate store)

So, we do kinky stuff in the bedroom.

It’s been an absolute blast.

How Spicy Sex is Exciting to us: Dominance and submission

But, despite us playing with kink in the bedroom, we have a modern marriage of equals. So what do we enjoy about this stuff? Well, being equals can be exhausting. Sometimes she gets tired of being the strong woman; she wants me to step up, be in charge, and lead. And for me, being careful to make every single decision together is exhausting for me, too. And frankly, it evaporates my manly independence –which I admit is important to me as a guy—and thus impacts my own feelings of masculinity and also how she perceives me.

I mean, crap, sometimes I just want to say, “Enough. We’ll do it my way. Decided.” <smile> Which is guaranteed to make her explode. So, often we’ll talk, and just do things her way, because I don’t really care, and I don’t want a fight. But sometimes I feel it would be nice to be able to be Papa Bear, and everyone jumps to my commands. But… the world don’t work like that no more, at least not in our house.

She’d never want to give up her power in the relationship. She wants me to be nurturing, be involved with running the house and making a nice home for us and our family, and be sensitive to her needs and emotions. Yet she craves to be overpowered by a strong man. Luckily for both of us, we’ve figured it out, and roleplay in the bedroom scratches that itch. And I’m the one that scratches it. Me. I’m the only one.

And my wife isn’t alone. A recent Huffington Post article by psychologist Randi Gunther, Ph.D. shares that she is seeing numerous couples where, Husbands are happy with more equality. Wives are still divorcing them. The sensitive male does not inspire sexual passion.

But, for us, in the bedroom we have play sessions where we live out these fantasies of her submission and my dominance… my overpowering masculinity, her enthusiastic submission. It’s a mental shift, totally unlike our day-to-day relationship, where she submits to my will.

Being the son of a single, strongly feminist mother, I had issues accepting the dominant role when I figured out that was what she needed, wanted and was asking for. But eventually I figured it out. And it has totally paid off.

For us, her occasional submission gives her permission to be naughty and my object… and to give herself over to her pleasure, as well as mine. She gives up control, and there’s a freedom in that, which she usually doesn’t have. She doesn’t have to think, she just does. And for me, it’s the same thing, just from the opposite direction.

We are fortunate that we’re comfortable going back to our normal roles of equals afterwards with no real trouble. And for some time –days, weeks, even months—we’re both much more happy and relaxed. It also cements in her brain that I am a man who has demonstrated I can –and do—act in bold, dominant male fashion. And it satisfies her need for masculinity.

How Kink is Exciting to us: Sensation Play

Some folks enjoy being spanked… and more.

For us, we really aren’t into anything painful, except that a sound spanking can be a lot of fun. For us it’s much more about the roleplaying aspect, but the nerves down in that area get all jumbled up, and there’s crossover that can lead to stronger orgasms for my gal.

There’s also the sensation and adrenaline, and how alive and focused it makes the person getting spanked feel… and it’s exciting to the person giving the spanking as well.

We’re pretty basic in what we do, but you’ve probably seen stuff on the Internet that makes you wince. Us, too. But some folks do enjoy that stuff. Intensely.

Spicy sex is what you like. Like the spices we add to the recipes you like, you cook up what you personally like.

Roleplaying versus Lifestyle

Meanwhile, others seek more “24/7” or “lifestyle” arrangements: a more permanent relationship structure where one person is dominant over the other. In some ways this is reminiscent of “traditional” marriages, but it’s different in that it often now includes a much more explicit sexual element, and either gender can be dominant.

Personally, I see all this this as another example of the normal distribution… the majority of people clump towards the average in anything, but there are always some who at either extremes, and that’s fine for them. Most of us are in the middle, though. We don’t need a full-time dominant-submissive relationship. Yet that is what much of the literature out there is targeted towards… which makes perfect sense, actually. Who’s most passionate about this stuff? The folks who live and breathe it, or who crave it. And that’s one of the things that makes this site different: we’re for the folks in the middle, looking to address marriage friction, communicate better, and improve intimacy through a better sex life.

And, on the other extreme, many people have no interest in kink. And that’s fine, too. It could also be that these folks are in more ‘traditional’ marriages, with more ‘old-style’ gender roles, and no need to play out power games since they live them already. Or they’re just not particularly sexual, or don’t have a need or desire to be dominant or submissive. Or folks have “traditional” values, the idea of explicit sex and things that come with kink may make them uncomfortable.

But, if you’re in a loving, monogamous marriage or relationship, and you are feeling the desire or disconnected from each other, this spicy sex stuff can provide huge benefits.

Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Becoming a Kinky Couple Reignites Your Relationship and is a Blast!

Keeping The Spark Alive Index

Spicing Things Up Index

My Amazon Author Page

About Matchstrike Media

Fallen out of Love

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

“I love you… but I’m not in love with you.”

Those words are usually spoken by wives to their husbands, and it means it’s the end.

The woman has fallen out of love. And she doesn’t find him sexually attractive anymore.

There could be any number of reasons. The usual ones are that the couple grew apart, found flaws in their relationship, their priorities changed, or just couldn’t get along. More extreme reasons are abuse, infidelity, financial irresponsibility, or maybe the person just met someone else.

But, let’s think about the last item. Let’s suppose that the guy is a great husband who believes in equality and supports his wife. He vacuums, cooks, takes care of the kids. He encourages his wife to have her own career and interests, listens to her, rubs her neck. He doesn’t push sex on her when she’s tired and stressed. She starts thinking of him not just her husband… but her best friend.

And then she meets the testosterone-laden alpha male who may not do any of those things… but lights her fires like they haven’t been aflame in years. She obsesses on this new man… and gives her nice, caring husband the heave-ho.

Why?

They aren’t rational.

Or, let’s take the flip side of the coin. A guy has a wife who is perfect in every way… but he starts sleeping with a coworker who he’s fallen in love –and lust– with. He throws away his marriage and everything he had.

Again, why?

Hormones again.

Our hormones are addictive. They control us, subconsciously. And they impact both sexes equally.

They drive us to do stupid things for shitty reasons.

But there is an answer

And the answer is that both partners need to be honest with themselves and each other about what they want. And often, this means non-politically correct sex.

In the case of my wife and me, we have found that occasional roleplay in the bedroom resets the stresses of relationship of equals, recharges us, and gives us a cathartic outlet that brings balance to our relationship.

We don’t do it all the time, and we need our regular sexual connection as well. But me taking the dominant role, acting the alpha and giving her orders I expect obeyed lets my wife see me in a more masculine way that she secretly hungers for. And to trigger her enjoyment she has to make the mental shift to surrender and give up control… which is a hard thing for her to do, but ultimately is liberating and cathartic for her.

It’s been the answer for us, and increasingly, science is proving this out.

So, for those wives and husbands who have lost interest in their partner, who have fallen out of love or are risk of doing so, I firmly believe an occasional session of such roleplay does wonders, and can heal some of what is potentially fatally stressing the relationship.

And with that, we end this series of posts.

The next series of posts is called Spicing Things Up: Ignite your Passion! The first post explains what folks enjoy about spicy sex and things that aren’t politically correct but which are bringing back the spark in marriages and relationships.

Read the first post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Why Do People Like the Spicy Sex Stuff?

Keeping The Spark Alive Index

Spicing Things Up Index

My Amazon Author Page

About Matchstrike Media

Reignite the Spark in your Marriage with New Bedroom Adventures

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Bedroom Adventures

Everybody and their mother is saying you have to spice stuff up in the bedroom nowadays. (“Ewww… Mom, stop!”)

But just because everyone is saying something, it doesn’t mean you should do it. There’s the wisdom of the crowd, and then there’s the herd.

But to me, the question one should always ask is, “Why.” Why should you spice up your sex life?

Well, given the stresses that we’re all under, and how those of us in long-term relationships find that over time the newness fades, leading to us feeling disconnected from our partners, unsatisfied, and like you just want “more” than we’re getting, a little sexual adventurousness could be just the ticket.

Partners are expected to be a hell of a lot nowadays…

In your marriage, you need your partner to not just be a good husband or wife, but also to:

Be a good parent
Be a friend
Be a provider or co-provider
Give you emotional support
Hold you accountable
Keep up the house
Support your goals
Support your personal growth
Fulfill your sexual needs
And so many other things…

When you have to be all these things to each other, it is easy to lose the connection between the two of you. In the rush of things, time for each other, and time for enjoyable, connecting sex falls off the list.

But if you aren’t feeling connected to your partner, or feeling emotionally or sexually unfulfilled, then improving your sex life can go a long way to improving your overall relationship.

Both men and women need sex. But men seem to feel more of a sense of loss and resentment when they don’t have sex, or the sex isn’t frequent or good enough.

But I believe incredibly strongly that sex is a fundamental part of any healthy marriage. It relieves stress, has meditative and cathartic benefits, and brings a couple closer together, wiping out irritants and hurt feelings… or at least puts you in a state of mind where you can talk about things and even let them go.

There’s no lack of things to try: in popular culture there’s an onslaught on everything from about 50 Shades, cougars, high-end dildos and vibrators, swing parties, Viagra, couples porn, sex furniture, cuckolding, and Cosmo giving tips on anal sex. And that’s just on your first page of search results for Tuna Casserole recipes!

Personally, I’m all for whatever drives your zamboni. Within reason of course: nothing that hurts another person, is non-consensual, or causes mental or emotional trauma to others. But, if you get off on draping yourself in velvet, go for it. (Extra points for those who get the pop culture reference!)

But let’s be realistic: just throwing sexual stuff at a relationship is not going to make it better if you have significant issues.

But if it’s “just” a matter of needing to get out of a rut, reconnect sexually and emotionally, and reigniting your passion for your partner, it’s a great thing to do.

There are two terrific reasons to spice up your sex life. The first is to feel closer. The other is to keep things fresh and new and exciting, which is really important to feeling connected. These are related items. But not the same.

So, are you feeling unfulfilled in your relationship or sex life?

Spice things up! How? Check out the next series, Spicing Things Up.

Embarrassed or afraid to bring up the subject with your partner? See my next post.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 1

Keeping The Spark Alive Index

My Amazon Author Page

About Matchstrike Media

Marriage, Part 6: Reconnecting Sexually in a Marriage of Equals

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

There are things that make us attractive to each other. Even if your marriage has never been one of sweaty bunched-up bedsheets every night, it is the sexual desire and connection that makes a marriage a marriage.

Oh, sure, you can love each other, but if you’re not having any kind of sexual relationship, or at least not a satisfying one, then you’re just roommates. Maybe great roommates, with a marriage contract and a shared purpose, but we are built to form pairs based on sex and reproduction. What keeps us together is that sexual energy and connection. It’s the payoff for dirty diapers and long hours at work.

And if you’ve lost that connection then you have problems that need to be fixed.

Reconnecting Sexually

Assuming that your partner hasn’t grown a tail or changed in some way that makes them physically unattractive to you, and that there are no health issues contributing, then what other reasons could there be for your lack of sexual desire for your spouse, or your spouse in you?

We have already talked about anger and conflict. If you do not have that issue, or are working on it, and there is still a lack of interest, what else could it be?

Today, for most, marriage is a partnership of equals, and that’s probably your default mode. That’s the marriage I have. I wouldn’t trade it, especially given that I was raised by a feminist mother, and consider myself a feminist, too.

But, understand that below our rational, egalitarian goals, there are primitive sexual roles and desires that want and need to be fed.

Women respond to masculinity. This is not sexist to say: it’s biological. In the bedroom, women want men to be men. Because in our evolutionary past, it is the masculine features that kept women safe and provided a good and safe home for her and her children. Even today, women still respond to men in jobs that are still considered masculine: police, firefighters, soldiers, cowboys. They may not appreciate sexism, but they know these are men who can protect them if they need them to.

Women also respond to men who are physically in good shape. Ask yourself, who’s more attractive: a guy who spends all day at a desk eating junk food, or the guy who takes care of himself? You can be a programmer or have any other kind of nerdy job that pays well, but still take care of yourself.

And women are attracted to men who have confidence, who are competent and who are assertive. Not blowhards or dictators, but men who are leaders by the content of their character and because they can get the job done. If they demonstrate these traits, and if what they want is the woman in question… it’s a turn on to that woman.

In this era of equality, where men seek consensus and agreement in decisions, or even just generally defer to their woman’s preferences, this saps some of the desire from women, seeing their men as equals, not as leaders. It ain’t fair. But it’s true.

And there was a story in the New York Times recently, about how men doing domestic chores around the house can make them seem less manly… and thus, less sexually desirable to their wives. For example, a woman gets upset that the man didn’t vacuum exactly the way that the woman likes. The combination of him doing “feminine” chores with her being more “in charge” and directing him to do things, and then “correcting” him in a way that makes her dominant torpedoes a woman’s libido for her man, especially when repeated over and over in lots of different little ways.

So, men: maintain your manliness. Don’t let yourselves slide, and don’t allow yourselves to get totally domesticated.

And women: you know that your men want sex. Know that if you push us into roles that cause us to be seen as less manly in the name of equality, there can be an effect on your marriage, intimacy and sex life.

My advice? If you can afford it, get a housekeeper. Men, sacrifice something to pay for it you need to. Don’t be seen as doing feminine jobs. Just do the things that are perceived as manly by your woman.

Women, leave the manly things around your house to your guy, and either do the feminine ones yourself, or get help. Also recognize that guys often aren’t nearly as particular about their homes being just-so, and demanding he meet your standards can have a negative impact. Don’t order or nag. Nothing is less sexy or more emasculating. If you have something you want us to do, ask for it clearly and explain why you want it. If you detect hesitancy, ask if it’s not okay. Then we can discuss it. And if we want to discuss it, don’t get angry. If we have a marriage of equals, then you need to treat us as equals, not the help or as children who aren’t doing simple things the way you expect.

In the bedroom

Guys, if nowhere else, this is the place to be manly. Take charge, and take control. If your feminist girl objects, tell her firmly that you’d like to try an experiment. First, in your nice, we’re equal voice, look her in the eye and say to her, “Honey, I’d like to have sex.” Then, in your deep, masculine voice, look her in the eye, say, “I want you. Now. Get your clothes off.” Then stop. And ask her which one she preferred. She may be surprised when she admits that the second choice was much hotter to her. This should open the door to your being more assertive and demanding in bed, and you should see both her desire increase, as well as your intimacy. And your happiness.

Gals, if you’re reading the above, think about it. Which would you prefer? Which makes your temperature rise? If it’s the first answer, I’d like to know. For some women, maybe it probably is the first option. And that’s fine. But for most, it is first option.

And this is not an attack on feminism. I am totally for gender equality. But if there are side-effects that are killing desire in the bedroom and keeping me from getting sex that I need –and threatens the viability of our long-term relationship– then that’s an issue that needs to be addressed.

But let’s just say it again: a healthy relationship includes a healthy sex life. And by healthy, I mean one that is of a frequency and intensity that creates connection and intimacy between two people. It makes everything else better, eliminates stress, and makes people feel more connected and able to communicate better about other frictions.

Other nourishing things

Spend time apart – absence really does make the heart grow fonder. And libidos rise.
Women, be feminine in response to our manliness. It’s not a bad thing.
Try new things, both in your relationship, lives and in the bedroom.
Go on dates.
Laugh together.
Don’t get in ruts.
TALK.
Read erotic stories together. (Get your free erotic story in my library!)
Surprise each other!

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Reignite the Spark in your Marriage with New Bedroom Adventures

Keeping The Spark Alive Index

My Amazon Author Page

About Matchstrike Media

Bring Back the Spark in your Relationship with These Tips!

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

To feel like having sex, a woman needs to feel loved. To feel loved, a man needs to have sex.

In the past 50 years, gender roles have been reinvented, with women following career paths outside the home and becoming breadwinners. Meanwhile, men are taking on more domestic duties, sharing childrearing, and even giving up careers in favor of their wives’ careers.

On one hand, women like and demand this equality.

On the other hand, somewhere in the subconscious, this can make women less interested in having sex, as recently reported in the New York Times. Deep down inside, most women want their men to be manly, and seeing their men being domestic can temper their sexual interest.

It’s a Catch-22 for men, or at least those who wish to try to live by new egalitarian expectations.

And it’s not one that can be cured by being nicer, bringing more flowers and gifts, or doing more around the house to help take more stress off our wives.

How do we bring back the spark, improve intimacy and build closeness?

Sex is part of it. If you aren’t having a satisfying sex life, neither partner is feeling good. Intimacy is down. And it flows through to the rest of your relationship.

We all have different aspects of ourselves that we need to nourish. If we are out of balance, with some parts of ourselves being unsatisfied, it ripples through to the rest of lives and our relationships.

Let’s use a bad analogy. Let’s suppose we’re a tree. (Admittedly, sometimes us guys are difficult to distinguish from plant life.) To thrive, we need water, soil, air, and sunlight. We also need warm weather and to not be in the path of a bulldozer. If all of those conditions are met, we’re pretty happy flora, doing our thing, photosynthesizing, adding rings, providing shade, maybe giving off fruit.

But, if aren’t getting what we need, we can wither and die, sometimes very quickly.

Our relationships are the same.

If we’re getting love, affection, emotional support, shared purpose, appreciation, the satisfaction of a mutually rewarding relationship, as well as regular and good sex, then we’re probably doing pretty well.

But, if we’re missing some or all of these things, we are under stress.

If we’ve built up goodwill in our relationship, then a bad day now and then happens and is no big deal. But repeated bad days that turn into bad weeks, months and years can lead to the end of a relationship.

If our spouse doesn’t appreciate us, or we just feel that way, maybe we stop giving appreciation back. We stop talking. Little resentments build up, and silence grows.

Negative feedback loops build.

Relationships wither. Intimacy ends. Sex stops. And maybe the marriage implodes.

So what’s the answer?

The answer, simply, is that to bring back the spark we all need to look at the different aspects of our relationships constantly, and do the work that’s required to keep things healthy.

And, as hard as it may be, sometimes we have to have hard talks.

We have to communicate.

If something is bothering you, or your spouse, you have to talk about it.

Personally, I hate conflict.

I also hate talking about my feelings and emotions. But we have to.

We have to talk about our expectations. So often, we never do.

We also have to talk about how we talk

Sometimes, my wife might tell me, not so nicely, “pick that up and put it in the trashcan.”

This causes a waterfall of thoughts and emotions in me.

To her, it’s just a reasonable, instinctual request to me to keep our home looking clean, that of course I’d just do.

To me, it’s an affront to my primitive brain and manhood. I feel like she’s ordering me around, and implying that I’m an idiot, irresponsible and uncaring. If I say something, she’ll also feel I’m unreasonable, oversensitive and a jerk. To her, it was a simple request. Me, I saw it as an order. And I am not her subordinate to be ordered around.

But we can work it out; I can explain how it made me feel, and why, and next time, she’ll instead say, “Could you remember to throw that in the trashcan when you’re done? You know how clutter drives me crazy.” She makes it a request, and explains why she it’s important to her. It’s no longer just an order.

We’ve had plenty of conversations just like that. Honestly, they’re not always easy and can trigger emotions. And I hate talking about how it makes me “feel.” It seems wussy. But afterwards, we understand each other better, we proved we care and respect each other enough to have the conversation… and we both get what we want.

Therapists say that preceding such discussions with “I feel…” takes a lot of the threat out of statements in such discussions, by making it clear it’s the speaker’s perceptions and emotions being discussed, not the actual behavior of the other person. This makes things less confrontational, and if not always easier, at least helps.

And another thing couples should talk about it sex. How much. How often. How adventurous… and if there’s an issue, how to fix any issues. If you missed my earlier post on that topic, you can find it here.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Marriage, Part 1: Nourish your Relationship Emotionally, Mentally and Physically

Keeping The Spark Alive Index

My Amazon Author Page

About Matchstrike Media