Matchstrike Media

Matchstrike Media helps couples improve their relationship, intimacy, communication and sex lives and through educational, entertaining and erotic ebooks and articles.

  • Home
  • About
  • Blog
  • Library
  • Contact
  • Login
  • Facebook
  • Google+
  • LinkedIn
  • Pinterest
  • RSS
  • Twitter
You are here: Home / Archives for fetlife

Just in the Bedroom

November 6, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

If you join the Fetlife online community, the first thing you’re asked to do is to create a profile.  In your profile you describe yourself, your interests, and what you’re looking for on the site, from a romantic partner to friends to people who share your particular sexual interests. You’re also asked to describe your intensity of interest, and one of the choices you can select is “Just in the Bedroom.”

Just In the Bedroom fits me and my wife perfectly, so much so that I formed a group around it on the site.

It’s a fairly small group… some groups, like Novices and Newbies (recommended) have tens of thousands of members. Just in the Bedroom has a couple hundred gathered over the past year or so.

I think that part of the reason for this is that there’s a level of passion and commitment, and folks who get into fetish and kink are serious about it.

To be perfectly honest, folks who just roleplay a bit in the bedroom are a bit looked down upon by the most committed. Some feel that you can’t experience true submission unless you really dive into it, and enter a true power exchange relationship.

I understand these folks’ point, but I disagree. Like anything, I think it’s a matter of degree. For my gal and me, an occasional play session with me taking a dominant role satiates our desires and gives us what we need. Neither of us wants or needs a 24-7 master/slave relationship. And to be quite honest, I’ve never been attracted to potential partners who need or want me to take a 100% leadership role. I’ve always wanted a relationship of equals and partners.

It’s funny, though; in this crazy world nowadays, people are clearly mismatched, because a common topic on the site is people with submissive longings who wish their partner to take more of a dominant, leadership role. And some of these partners can’t or won’t. Or won’t take things far enough. It clearly causes anguish for all involved.

It’s also interesting that some majority of these folks tend to be submissive women, wanting their male partners to take more leadership and control. It is clearly a choice they’re making, and consensual. And because of that, I don’t believe that it’s anti-feminist. But sometimes it feels that way to me.

What’s also interesting to me is that I often pick up a vibe from the dominant males –or those who present themselves of such– that feels misogynist, selfish, narcissistic, and even psychopathic: more interested in manipulation and self-interest than true relationships, and are even unable and uninterested in forming real relationships. It disturbs me that women fall for this, and put themselves in these men’s hands.

Yet, this appears to be what some of these women want.

It seems that we are programmed to want things that aren’t always good for us. And there’s scientific evidence to support this. Women do tend to like assholes. Not sure? There’s lots of good stuff about this out there, but here’s a particularly readable post from Psychology Today.

So, what’s all this getting to?

Most women don’t want to be submissive or subservient. Nor do most men. Nor does either gender want to necessarily be dominant over their partner. But this causes some friction for those who do. And there is part of all of us that finds freedom scary and uncomfortable, and also not being in control. These are appetites, and some of us have stronger appetites than others.

So, if you want to satiate your appetites once in a while, you should. And if that’s enough, then you’re a Just-in-the-Bedroom kinda person like my wife and me.

Alternately, you may just want some kinky sex once in the while… and you don’t want any of that Dominance / submission, Sadism / Masochism, Bondage / Discipline stuff. And that’s fine, too. Maybe you’re fine with something else. (See my earlier post on Kinks.)

But ultimately, for all of us, we’re looking for love and connection, to have relationships that are fulfilling, that bring us closer and increase intimacy… and also scratch those itches that we have but sometimes can’t even explain to ourselves.

All this spicy sex stuff is fun.  It’s fulfilling.  It brings us closer together.  It helps us resolve issues in our relationships of increasing equality.

But, it’s not all there is.  There are people who aren’t kinky who sleep around and are good at bedding conquests, and ultimately those folks tend to be lonely and alone.  We know that seeking kink without connection will have the same result.  We who are Just in the Bedroom are looking to bring together traditional love and connection with the exhilaration of sexual exploration to make our relationships stronger and more vibrant, not just out of self-interest, but for love of our partner and what we have together.

It’s all good.

We are all different, and there’s not one “right” way to do spicy sex.  It’s what works for you and your partner, and what you do in your bedroom is your business, no one else’s.

As a friend said about Just in the Bedroom folks, “We’re as kinky as we want to be.” And no more.


Keeping The Spark Alive Index

Spicing Things Up Index

My Amazon Author Page

About Matchstrike Media

The Spicy Internet: The Good, the Bad, the Great, and the Awful…

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

The Internet is filled with Spicy Internet sites.  Some folks even say it’s why the Internet exists!

I enjoy participating a social media site called FetLife. It bills itself as the BDSM and fetish community for kinksters by kinksters. And I think it does a pretty good job at that and it’s probably at the center of the spicy internet. Besides creating a profile for yourself, you can find and join groups of people who share your interests, and pitch right in on conversations and topics.

You won’t be surprised to find out I created and host a group there called, “Just in the Bedroom.” If you visit the site, drop by the group and say, “hi!”

But frankly, FetLife scares the hell out of the vanillas. (Vanillas being those who are new to spicy sex.)

When you first log in, after you create a stub profile, you are likely to see graphic and even extreme pictures from the first moment, mostly from advertiser banner ads along the right-side of the page, but also from the “Kinky and Popular” tab of the site. One ad that sticks in my mind is for an adult movie site, kink.com, that has a woman tied spread eagle to some sort of device, while a sex device plunges in and out of her. This is not 101-level stuff, and for someone whose speed is romance novels, well, it’s too much. People run the other direction.

Then, if you do stick around and join a group that sounds interesting, it is an unfortunate fact that some “lifestylers” enjoy shocking and scaring off the newbies. That the person had the courage to join at all was a big step and should be admired; instead, some folks can be be mean and insulting to people for asking basic questions. It’s a bit disappointing.

But, plenty of hardy souls do make it through, find interesting groups, and get immersed in the value of the site, from pictures and videos, discussion groups, and even find get-togethers and more in their local area. And that’s great.

Fetlife Envy

But some of us are not able or willing to play publicly. We aren’t going to go to a public dungeon and let it all hang out, for various reasons. And we maybe aren’t going to try some of the things we see other people blissfully trying and posting pics of online. Or maybe we want to, but our spouse isn’t willing.

And then comes the FetLife Envy.

FetLife Envy is when you want something you can’t have. And your primal sexual cave-man or -woman is crying out in frustration that you can’t have it.

I hit this myself when I started reading a series of post –that I found credible– by a guy who posted sort of a part-instructional, part-biographical series of writings on how he finds strong, mature female submissives, and trains them to become his sex slaves, to the point that he can make them orgasm with his voice alone. And he posts pictures, too. And I know enough to know that some people really do reach those kind of levels of… whatever you call it.

For my wife and me, our sex life has been slow for a long time given our other responsibilities and priorities, and time for spicy sex has been scarce. But to read about what he does and how he does it, and the levels of fulfillment and sexual satisfaction that he and his (many!) partners get is… frustrating.

I laugh while I say it, but things like this can cause issues, when the immature part of your brain starts screaming, “I want it! I want it!” And the answer is you can’t have it.

Another online friend of mine gets frustrated when she sees things others of her friends from the site are doing, and her husband can’t do to her… or, more the case, not as often or as much as she likes. She knows she gets more than most… but still wants more. Ah, the perils of the Spicy Internet…

So, just be aware of it, and keep a throttle on it. The Internet is good… and bad… and good… and bad.

Try to focus on the good, and be realistic.

Some recommended sites

There are a vast number of adult websites out there on the spicy internet.  But here are a few ones I recommend that can help you build intimacy with your partner.  These sites can also help you connect with other people like you as well as educate and entertain.

  • Literotica – Free, user-submitted Erotica. Quality is all over the place, but ratings help you find the better stories, and you can search by topic.,
  • Fetlife – This free site combines a social media site with endless user-created groups for discussion of any topic, from “Novices and Newbies” to… extreme things. Some of this is way beyond the spicy internet… but everyone can find a place there.
  • Voyeurweb / Redclouds – Amateur-submitted photos and videos.  Voyeurweb is free but has more tame pictures.  Redclouds is $24/year, but both the explicit pictures and my favorite forum discussion board on the Internet.
  • Psychology Today – Easily the most readable, interesting and enjoyable site that covers kink topics on the Internet. And no one even thinks it’s part of the spicy internet… but it definitely is. Check out topics under “Sex.”  Free!

Bad people, and why you need to be careful

While this blog is written mainly for people in their middle years in long-term relationships, I still feel the need to say something to people who are single and looking for a partner about the BDSM community and potential partners out there:

You need to be very careful.

There are bad people out there. When you are dealing with fantasy stuff like bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism, you are dealing with somewhat extreme things. And there are people for whom this stuff isn’t extreme: it’s what they want and desire all the time.

I offer no apologies to the fetish community. It’s a fact, and one of the things that makes me uncomfortable about some of what I see is that there are clearly sociopathic, abusive and dangerous people out there. The community does talk, and munches (non-sexual happy hours, usually) do give people the chance to meet, and talk, and check up on each other. But there is still danger out there.

Also, there is rampant and reactive misogyny out there. Misogyny is hatred of women. As women exert more power in the workforce, the legal system and society, some men feel threatened. And they are looking to exploit women and don’t really care about others, just their own sexual satisfaction. Some of these guys are known as players, and there’s a whole subculture of guys out there who look to exploit women sexually, without looking for healthy relationships. Some of these guys would say they are just beating women at their own game, but I find the trend concerning. I guess it’s a natural reaction, but women need to educate themselves and be careful.

And what if you’re a woman in a long-term relationship and your significant other exhibits misogynistic behaviors? Well, you’re probably already having marriage issues beyond not feeling close, and looking at spicing up your sex life is not likely to help. Although it occurs to me that such women may not be dissatisfied with their relationships if they crave to be submissive. Of course, they probably aren’t reading this post anyway. So we’ll move along now.


Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Why Kink and Spicy Sex Still isn’t Accepted

Keeping The Spark Alive Index

Spicing Things Up Index

My Amazon Author Page

About Matchstrike Media

How Normal People Are Getting into Kink: More Stories

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

More and More People are Getting Into Kink

For me, the greatest thing about the Internet is that I have made some incredibly close online friends, friends like I haven’t made since college. I’ve met them on discussion boards and in chat rooms over the years, and I have half-a-dozen folks who I keep in touch with online fairly regularly, who I’ve never met in person.

As you might guess, I met all of them in adult chatrooms. They are all people who are a bit more introspective and “real,” than most, and we soon were chatting about our lives as well as things like how to hide your bondage stuff when you have in-laws visiting.

And it’s not as seedy or sordid as it might seem. Nowadays, you can chat with people of like interests on any number of sites, from Yahoo Instant Messenger to FetLife. You won’t click with most. But over time, you might.

With these folks’ permission, I am sharing a bit of these folks’ stories of how they discovered kink. In all cases, these are not their real names.

Jenna

Jenna’s a mom with kids in high school. She’s never been a member of the popular crowd, but is sincere in her faith and her desire to be a good wife and mom. She’s always hungered for love and attention, and to be desired, owned and protected by her partner.

She didn’t fully come to realize what she wanted until 50 Shades came out. Reading that book, she soon was devouring other erotic fiction she found on Amazon. And one of the books she read mentioned FetLife as a site she might want to join… which she did, which was where we met online.

Like us, she and her husband are entirely monogamous, and are similar in a lot of other interesting ways that I won’t mention. But we just clicked.

Jenna gathered her courage as she figured out what she wanted, and spoke to her great husband about her spicy desires. It’s hard making someone who had never considered this stuff understand what was being asked for, but she wasn’t shy about giving him things to read.

They ratcheted it up over time. They experimented with different things, and found what they liked. And, he was surprised and excited by both how worked up the things got her, and also the visual and mental stimulation it gave him.

What she finds most compelling is that she has his full attention and his clear desire for her.  He may be distracted other times, but when they’re in the throes of a kinky sex session, there is no one there but them, and their play can be intense and cathartic.

They’ve had their setbacks; she struggles with his ability to truly “lead” in their bedroom activities, to fully take on the “dom” role and “own” everything, including her. But, compared to most folks, the nature and intensity of their activities impresses the hell out of me, personally.

They continue to work on him taking more of the lead, and it’s not always as much as she wants and desires, but she knows she is getting a lot of what she wants.  And I joked with her once that I suspect that they have more and better sex than the rest of their church, combined.

Diane

Now married to a disabled man who is step-father to her adult son, Diane had some horrific family situations that left her scarred in many ways, including being married to an emotionally-abusive alcoholic.

She says she has always been submissive, although she’d never had words to describe it. Then, one day, she met a man who was a classical dominant, and cheated on her husband. After that night, she never had sex with her soon-to-be ex again, and also resolved to leave him, which she did.  She had to save up her courage, and her money.  It happened long before I ever knew her, but I’m proud of her.

Over time, thanks to the Internet, she read and researched more, and found out she was sexually submissive, and found herself a good man who she educated to be what she wanted in the bedroom. Their sex life is incredibly and increasingly steamy, and most folks wouldn’t believe it. They’ve also found that the quality of their connection has only improved over time, and as they’ve slowly opened up to each other about their sexual desires, they’ve been able to open up their hearts further to each other as well.

Rafael

With nearly ten years in the military and several overseas deployments, Rafael and his wife had the need to reconnect after their long separations.

His wife wanted to know that when he was there, he was there. She wanted to know that he truly wanted and desired her, to the point that she wanted him wanted him to own her. She couldn’t out-and-out ask for this, but Rafael noticed that she responded very strongly and positively to rougher, more assertive sex… and sex that was incredibly fulfilling for him.

It wasn’t long before he figured out that tying her up and giving her orders was part of what she fantasized about.  This opened the door to some intimate conversations where she opened her heart, and the two of them have pursued an arrangement with him in the more constant dominant role than what my wife and I do.

But I find it a heart-warming story of two people who love each other who want to give each other what they need.

Kink is normal

Does any of this sound weird to you? Hopefully not.

In each of these cases, these folks were meeting the needs of their partners or getting their own needs satisfied. The roughness or dominance of what they do or desire is not abusive or unwanted, but is perceived more as a visceral demonstration of their desire and hunger for one another.

No one’s getting hurt or abused. Actually, it’s exactly the opposite. Both people are getting exactly what they want and need, and which has for a long time seemed wrong to ask for.

Still in the Closet

There are many people who are still hiding their desires and what they are. “In the Closet” has traditionally meant that someone is secretly gay, but it can also apply to folks with other fetishes and sexual interests that aren’t acceptable in mainstream society.

A common one is men who have a fetish for women’s underwear, or even cross-dressing. Many of these men feel they can’t share their desires with their wives.

Other fetishes are too many to list… but if you have a fetish, or your partner does, consider bringing it out. You might need to do it in a joking or non-threatening way, but if your partner wants you to be happy, it is reasonable to expect that you can work something out.

And really, unspoken and unfulfilled desires can eventually kill a relationship. Or can keep you from having true intimacy with your partner, depriving both of you of the connection you deserve.


Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series:  Is Bondage Wrong? Not if Wives Want a Strong Man in Bed and an Equal Partner the Rest of the Time.

Keeping The Spark Alive Index

Spicing Things Up Index

My Amazon Author Page

About Matchstrike Media

About Us

Matchstrike Media publishes books that help couples improve their lives, relationships and sexual fulfillment in a fun, relatable, and educational way. What we create is designed to appeal to both partners and bring couples closer together. Read More…

Find my Erotic Books at:

Get Free Books and Website Access!

Sign up to access the entire Free Library and to receive email updates.

Recent Posts

  • My free story on Literotica: Surprise Seduction
  • How do I tell her I need more sex? Or how do I tell him I need more sex?
  • From LifeHacker: How to eat ass
  • Free Short Story: Almost Getting Lucky Freshman Year [NSFW] [MF] [Funny] [Whoops!] [Long]
  • New Book on Amazon: Absolution

‘Keeping the Spark Alive’ Series

Unravel your Relationship Conflict Issues

Your Dying Sex Life

Spice Up Your Sex Life to Increase Intimacy

Why Are We Fighting?

Relationship Issues are Everywhere: Can you save your Marriage?

Why Relationships Cool: What You Can Do About a Dead or Dying Marriage

Nothing Can Be New Forever: Good Sex Fades

Our Stressful Lives are Killing our Relationships, Intimacy and Sex Lives

Sex-starved and Sexless Marriages

Decide What’s Important. And that Includes Talking about Sex.

What to Do When your Sex Life is Dying and you Don’t Feel Close Anymore

Bring Back the Spark in your Relationship with These Tips!

Marriage, Part 1: Nourish your Relationship Emotionally, Mentally and Physically

Marriage, Part 2: What is a Happy Marriage?

Marriage, Part 3: Anger, Conflict and Communication

Marriage, Part 4: Fix Relationship Anger with Communication and Compromise

Marriage, Part 5: I’m Just Not Feeling the Spark Anymore. I’m feeling Unfulfilled.

Marriage, Part 6: Reconnecting Sexually in a Marriage of Equals

Reignite the Spark in your Marriage with New Bedroom Adventures

Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 1

Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 2: The Spicy Sex Checklist

Discussing your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 3: Other Ideas for Discussing the Sensitive Sex Topic of Spicy Sex

When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 1: The No Sex Marriage

When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 2: Health and Hormone Issues

Fallen out of Love

‘SPICING THINGS UP’ SERIES

Why Do People Like the Spicy Sex Stuff?

Becoming a Kinky Couple Reignites Your Relationship and is a Blast!

How Normal People Are Getting into Kink: More Stories

Is Bondage Wrong? Not if Wives Want a Strong Man in Bed and an Equal Partner the Rest of the Time.

Your Crazy Sexual Desires Don’t Make Sense. Enjoy ’em Anyway!

Explore Kink: Ten Spicy Sex Life Improvers for Couples!

Interest your Partner in the Exhilaration of Spicy Sex and Kink

No Spicy Dice: My Partner is Not Interested in Kinky Sex

The Spicy Internet: The Good, the Bad, the Great, and the Awful…

Why Kink and Spicy Sex Still isn’t Accepted

Just in the Bedroom

How Normal Couples Get into Kink: Our Story

Find it Here

Tags

50 Shades of Grey bdsm bondage boredom communication conflict connection counseling Desire discovery dominance equality exhaustion expectations feminism fighting gender happiness happy marriage health honeymoon is over humor intimacy kink libido lifestyle love marriage meme priorities psychology rejection relationship relationships roleplay sexless marriage sex life shame spanking spark spice spice up stress submission tips

© 2022 www.Matchstrikemedia.com Rainmaker Platform