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You are here: Home / Archives for happiness

Your Crazy Sexual Desires Don’t Make Sense. Enjoy ’em Anyway!

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Our Crazy Sexual Desires

If my wife wanted me to put on a clown costume and honk a horn in bed… well, that ain’t workin’ for me. At all. Although I apologize if that’s your kink.

But, I’d do it for her.

Honestly, what gives me the biggest thrill is her excitement. If something circus-related got her steamy and then acting something out pushed her into the explosion of a monumental orgasm… well, crap. Okay. I’ll do it.

That’s one of the secrets of kink.

We don’t always know why things turn us on, or what turns our partner on… but if it does, and fulfilling a person’s fantasy in the bedroom makes them blissfully happy and no one is getting hurt… then why the hell wouldn’t you?

The payoff is that you make your partner happy, which should make you happy. It brings you closer. There are those inscrutable brain chemicals that get released when we finally satisfy an appetite that we’ve had, especially one that doesn’t get fed often.

Those Crazy Sexual Desires Actually Aren’t So Crazy

Maybe what turns you on is being given permission to forget your normal roles and responsibilities, and giving up control.

Or, maybe the opposite, getting the chance to be the powerful person seeing to one’s own desires and hungers without thinking about everyone else for a change.

Maybe it’s embracing and rejoicing in that which you fear most in a safe, roleplay session.

Maybe it’s the combination of pain and pleasure, which get mixed up together and confused in the brain, providing a greater climax.

It could be taking on the attributes of another gender or role and having the freedom to embrace something that seems forbidden for family, cultural or values reasons, but which you find gives you a sexual charge.

Whatever it is that turns you on… it’s okay, really. As long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else and doesn’t control your life.

In the next post, we talk about specific things you and your partner might like to explore in your sex lives. We’re gettin’ to the really good stuff now!


Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series:  Explore Kink: Ten Spicy Sex Life Improvers for Couples!

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Discussing your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 3: Other Ideas for Discussing the Sensitive Sex Topic of Spicy Sex

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Discussing anything about Sex at All can be a Sensitive Sex Topic

Are you someone who simply cannot talk to your partner about sex?

Or, vice versa, is it too uncomfortable your partner?

Some people find it hard to believe that anyone has issues just talking about sex.

Others can’t believe that people talk about such personal things without shame.

And some of these people are even married to each other! So, find your comfort level.

Let’s say you’ve read a romance novel that gave you the idea that you might like to be spanked. Unfortunately, you’re married to a man who you are sure would find the entire idea horrifying. Perhaps he would consider it abuse and an unconscionable display of patriarchal gender roles. Or, perhaps he might see it as something that’s just too “dirty” to even consider. But if you don’t talk about this sensitive sex topic, you’ll never get your needs met.

So, if you have trouble talking about your sex life, you have some thinking to do.

You’re not going to die if he doesn’t put you over his knee some time and sensually spanks your butt until it’s pink and you’re steaming with desire. But you sure would like it if he would! How can you get him to fulfill your fantasy and see to your needs, without going against his sincere beliefs and comfort levels?

As with all this stuff, try to keep it light and playful. Which is hard sometimes, given your pounding heart as you try to get out the words. Perhaps you can just say, “Pretend to spank me,” and when he sees how much you like it, it’ll open the door to more and better.

What are the sexual issues you need to talk about?

Or maybe you’ve been feeling that Saturday Night missionary is just… dull. You’re feeling sexually unfulfilled, disconnected from your partner, and are wondering why he’s not seeing to your needs. You’ll have to cater your suggestion to your partner, but you have to ask or show him what you want, if you have any hope of getting it.

Conversely, you may be a man married to a woman who over time has come to just see sex as another one of her duties, not to be enjoyed, and is non-orgasmic. Maybe you just want her to be enthusiastic, an active participant, to enjoy having sex. If something like that applies to you, then it’s time for the tough talk. Explain how you see sex as vital to feeling fulfilled in your marriage, and if your partner understands and wants to make you happy. If so, you can open up the talk to some of the things you might want to try… and you can try to get things out of her.

And, if she continues to refuse to consider improving your sex life together, then you’ll have to insist on her seeing a doctor to rule out physical issues, a therapist if there are no physical issues, or a marriage counselor to help you work through your issues together. Or perhaps you should see a marriage counselor first, if that feels right. But you only go through life once, you should be making the most of it, and you shouldn’t be denied the sexual aspect of your existence.

And ladies, exactly the same thing applies if it is your man who is having issues of lack of sexual desire.


Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 1: The No Sex Marriage

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Reignite the Spark in your Marriage with New Bedroom Adventures

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Bedroom Adventures

Everybody and their mother is saying you have to spice stuff up in the bedroom nowadays. (“Ewww… Mom, stop!”)

But just because everyone is saying something, it doesn’t mean you should do it. There’s the wisdom of the crowd, and then there’s the herd.

But to me, the question one should always ask is, “Why.” Why should you spice up your sex life?

Well, given the stresses that we’re all under, and how those of us in long-term relationships find that over time the newness fades, leading to us feeling disconnected from our partners, unsatisfied, and like you just want “more” than we’re getting, a little sexual adventurousness could be just the ticket.

Partners are expected to be a hell of a lot nowadays…

In your marriage, you need your partner to not just be a good husband or wife, but also to:

  • Be a good parent
  • Be a friend
  • Be a provider or co-provider
  • Give you emotional support
  • Hold you accountable
  • Keep up the house
  • Support your goals
  • Support your personal growth
  • Fulfill your sexual needs
  • And so many other things…

When you have to be all these things to each other, it is easy to lose the connection between the two of you. In the rush of things, time for each other, and time for enjoyable, connecting sex falls off the list.

But if you aren’t feeling connected to your partner, or feeling emotionally or sexually unfulfilled, then improving your sex life can go a long way to improving your overall relationship.

Both men and women need sex. But men seem to feel more of a sense of loss and resentment when they don’t have sex, or the sex isn’t frequent or good enough.

But I believe incredibly strongly that sex is a fundamental part of any healthy marriage. It relieves stress, has meditative and cathartic benefits, and brings a couple closer together, wiping out irritants and hurt feelings… or at least puts you in a state of mind where you can talk about things and even let them go.

There’s no lack of things to try: in popular culture there’s an onslaught on everything from about 50 Shades, cougars, high-end dildos and vibrators, swing parties, Viagra, couples porn, sex furniture, cuckolding, and Cosmo giving tips on anal sex. And that’s just on your first page of search results for Tuna Casserole recipes!

Personally, I’m all for whatever drives your zamboni. Within reason of course: nothing that hurts another person, is non-consensual, or causes mental or emotional trauma to others. But, if you get off on draping yourself in velvet, go for it. (Extra points for those who get the pop culture reference!)

But let’s be realistic: just throwing sexual stuff at a relationship is not going to make it better if you have significant issues.

But if it’s “just” a matter of needing to get out of a rut, reconnect sexually and emotionally, and reigniting your passion for your partner, it’s a great thing to do.

There are two terrific reasons to spice up your sex life. The first is to feel closer. The other is to keep things fresh and new and exciting, which is really important to feeling connected. These are related items. But not the same.

So, are you feeling unfulfilled in your relationship or sex life?

Spice things up!  How? Check out the next series, Spicing Things Up.

Embarrassed or afraid to bring up the subject with your partner? See my next post.


Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 1

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Marriage, Part 6: Reconnecting Sexually in a Marriage of Equals

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

There are things that make us attractive to each other.  Even if your marriage has never been one of sweaty bunched-up bedsheets every night, it is the sexual desire and connection that makes a marriage a marriage.

Oh, sure, you can love each other, but if you’re not having any kind of sexual relationship, or at least not a satisfying one, then you’re just roommates. Maybe great roommates, with a marriage contract and a shared purpose, but we are built to form pairs based on sex and reproduction. What keeps us together is that sexual energy and connection. It’s the payoff for dirty diapers and long hours at work.

And if you’ve lost that connection then you have problems that need to be fixed.

Reconnecting Sexually

Assuming that your partner hasn’t grown a tail or changed in some way that makes them physically unattractive to you, and that there are no health issues contributing, then what other reasons could there be for your lack of sexual desire for your spouse, or your spouse in you?

We have already talked about anger and conflict. If you do not have that issue, or are working on it, and there is still a lack of interest, what else could it be?

Today, for most, marriage is a partnership of equals, and that’s probably your default mode. That’s the marriage I have. I wouldn’t trade it, especially given that I was raised by a feminist mother, and consider myself a feminist, too.

But, understand that below our rational, egalitarian goals, there are primitive sexual roles and desires that want and need to be fed.

Women respond to masculinity. This is not sexist to say: it’s biological. In the bedroom, women want men to be men. Because in our evolutionary past, it is the masculine features that kept women safe and provided a good and safe home for her and her children. Even today, women still respond to men in jobs that are still considered masculine: police, firefighters, soldiers, cowboys. They may not appreciate sexism, but they know these are men who can protect them if they need them to.

Women also respond to men who are physically in good shape. Ask yourself, who’s more attractive: a guy who spends all day at a desk eating junk food, or the guy who takes care of himself? You can be a programmer or have any other kind of nerdy job that pays well, but still take care of yourself.

And women are attracted to men who have confidence, who are competent and who are assertive. Not blowhards or dictators, but men who are leaders by the content of their character and because they can get the job done. If they demonstrate these traits, and if what they want is the woman in question… it’s a turn on to that woman.

In this era of equality, where men seek consensus and agreement in decisions, or even just generally defer to their woman’s preferences, this saps some of the desire from women, seeing their men as equals, not as leaders. It ain’t fair. But it’s true.

And there was a story in the New York Times recently, about how men doing domestic chores around the house can make them seem less manly… and thus, less sexually desirable to their wives. For example, a woman gets upset that the man didn’t vacuum exactly the way that the woman likes. The combination of him doing “feminine” chores with her being more “in charge” and directing him to do things, and then “correcting” him in a way that makes her dominant torpedoes a woman’s libido for her man, especially when repeated over and over in lots of different little ways.

So, men: maintain your manliness. Don’t let yourselves slide, and don’t allow yourselves to get totally domesticated.

And women: you know that your men want sex. Know that if you push us into roles that cause us to be seen as less manly in the name of equality, there can be an effect on your marriage, intimacy and sex life.

My advice? If you can afford it, get a housekeeper. Men, sacrifice something to pay for it you need to. Don’t be seen as doing feminine jobs. Just do the things that are perceived as manly by your woman.

Women, leave the manly things around your house to your guy, and either do the feminine ones yourself, or get help. Also recognize that guys often aren’t nearly as particular about their homes being just-so, and demanding he meet your standards can have a negative impact. Don’t order or nag. Nothing is less sexy or more emasculating. If you have something you want us to do, ask for it clearly and explain why you want it. If you detect hesitancy, ask if it’s not okay. Then we can discuss it. And if we want to discuss it, don’t get angry. If we have a marriage of equals, then you need to treat us as equals, not the help or as children who aren’t doing simple things the way you expect.

In the bedroom

Guys, if nowhere else, this is the place to be manly. Take charge, and take control. If your feminist girl objects, tell her firmly that you’d like to try an experiment. First, in your nice, we’re equal voice, look her in the eye and say to her, “Honey, I’d like to have sex.” Then, in your deep, masculine voice, look her in the eye, say, “I want you. Now. Get your clothes off.” Then stop. And ask her which one she preferred. She may be surprised when she admits that the second choice was much hotter to her. This should open the door to your being more assertive and demanding in bed, and you should see both her desire increase, as well as your intimacy. And your happiness.

Gals, if you’re reading the above, think about it. Which would you prefer? Which makes your temperature rise? If it’s the first answer, I’d like to know. For some women, maybe it probably is the first option. And that’s fine. But for most, it is first option.

And this is not an attack on feminism. I am totally for gender equality. But if there are side-effects that are killing desire in the bedroom and keeping me from getting sex that I need –and threatens the viability of our long-term relationship– then that’s an issue that needs to be addressed.

But let’s just say it again: a healthy relationship includes a healthy sex life. And by healthy, I mean one that is of a frequency and intensity that creates connection and intimacy between two people. It makes everything else better, eliminates stress, and makes people feel more connected and able to communicate better about other frictions.

Other nourishing things

  • Spend time apart – absence really does make the heart grow fonder. And libidos rise.
  • Women, be feminine in response to our manliness. It’s not a bad thing.
  • Try new things, both in your relationship, lives and in the bedroom.
  • Go on dates.
  • Laugh together.
  • Don’t get in ruts.
  • TALK.
  • Read erotic stories together. (Get your free erotic story in my library!)
  • Surprise each other!

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Reignite the Spark in your Marriage with New Bedroom Adventures

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Marriage, Part 4: Fix Relationship Anger with Communication and Compromise

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

I once worked with a highly-competent woman of impressive accomplishments and bearing. She was a former military officer and graduate of one of the US Military Academies. She had, in many ways, been dealt a good hand in life. She had a job she felt was important, was well compensated, and spent her weeks traveling to see clients and consulting with Fortune 500 Executives.

As her 10th Anniversary approached, she asked her husband what he wanted.

“A divorce,” he responded.

She was shocked, and devastated. But that was a stellar example of where unresolved conflict, seething anger and a total lack of communication –as well as an understanding that anything was even wrong—led to a divorce.

Relationship fixes

If we are married, we can’t let things get to that point.

We are partners. We need to have discussions about what our priorities are, and also how to communicate and talk. Anger can’t be bottled up and ignored. We need to look to our own happiness, and that of our partner’s, and we need to talk about it and work together to make sure we each are getting what we need.

We need to nourish each other. Because, if we’re in a long-term monogamous relationship, we have no one else who can nourish us in some many ways.

We need to clearly understand what’s a must-have, and a nice-to-have, both for ourselves and for our partner. And we need to make sure we each get what we need to be happy, as best we can.

Marriage is not just about compromise. Sometimes, it’s about giving, selflessly.

I have a couple college buddies who are my closest friends. When we get together, it’s joyful, fun, good for my soul. My wife wants me to see them, but she absolutely cannot stand any of their wives, for various reasons.

So, once or twice a year, I see one or more of them for a boy’s weekend, sometimes with our sons. I get what I need, and my wife avoids a weekend of misery. We’re all winners. And when I get home, I treat her like a queen, grateful to her for giving me something I value so much.

My wife feels she’s giving selflessly, letting me go away a couple times a year. Me, I feel more like we reached a compromise, where we’re both winners. Whatever the case, it’s worked out well.

And when she’s insistent that she wants a new couch, or volunteers me to work at the school carnival, I make every effort to give her what she wants.

My personal philosophy is that if your spouse really wants something, let them have it, within reason, and as long as things are roughly (but not obsessively) equitable. We’re partners, and I want to make her happy.

In a good relationship, we should both want the other person to be happy. If my wife really wants me to take out the trash every night, or get the kids fed and out the door in the mornings, or listen to her intently as she talks about her day, I will do my best in each case. (Although I admit I totally blow at the last item.) I could put a altruistic spin on it, and say that her happiness is important to me, and it is… but I’ll also admit that selfishly, her unhappiness directly impacts me as well.

But –and this is a critical point– I have to be careful. If I do everything she wants all the time, and subordinate my wants and needs to hers all the time, then our marriage is no longer equal: it’s the opposite, with her dominant. And there are significant negatives to that we’ll discuss in the next post.

Also, doing whatever she wants can become expected… and thus no longer appreciated. So, I have to be firm and say no sometimes, which can lead to a fight. While it’s important to me to make her happy, I also need to remember that she needs to be fair and reasonable. And that certainly goes both ways.

The barometer of a healthy marriage: Sex

When you’re angry with your partner, do you want to have sex? Probably not. You’re too hurt, or you deliberately shun your partner to punish them. You don’t feel sexy, or in the mood, or you look at your partner, and just see the person that wronged you. Feeling negative towards your partner, perhaps you notice other things about them that you don’t like as well.

So, how’s your sex life? Are you having much sex? Or are anger and other issues getting in the way?

Sex increases your intimacy, brings you closer to each other, or that makes each of you feel loved. It’s sex where you’re doing things to each other, and for yourself, rather than for each other. Maybe it will clear the emotions and afterwards you can talk openly, and if so, well, maybe that’s okay.

If you’re so upset with each other that you can’t have sex, you need to talk. Defuse some of the anger. And I would suggest that as soon as you can, you get together sexually. There is no more intimate act than sex.

Sex is a critical part of marriage and relationships, and makes both people feel loved and accepted.

As such, it’s a vital part of nourishing a relationship.


Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Marriage, Part 5:  I’m Just Not Feeling the Spark Anymore. I’m feeling Unfulfilled.

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Marriage, Part 2: What is a Happy Marriage?

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Maybe when you read Part 1 on Marriage, you thought, “Yeah, yeah. People can get out of marriages, and do if they’re not happy. Got it. And you think marriage is great, yada, yada. Great. Well, my marriage isn’t so great. What’s this nonsense about nourishing it, already?

Well, let’s say there are three states of marriage:

  • Happy,
  • Unhappy and
  • one with Warning Signs.

Let me ask you: What are the signs of a happy marriage?

Take a moment and think about it before you read on.

Okay, ready? Here’s my list. See how much you overlap.

The Signs of a Happy Marriage

  1. You’re not unhappy. Okay, it’s answering the question with the question. But it’s true.
  2. You feel you have a shared purpose and are working together to get there.
  3. You look forward to spending time with each other.
  4. You listen to each other.
  5. You do things for each other to make each other happy.
  6. You hold hands.
  7. When you disagree, you try not to get upset, you try to find a way to work things out.
  8. Your arguments focus more on understanding each other than proving who’s right.
  9. You don’t always have to agree, you respect your differences.
  10. You encourage each other to have your own interests, friends and hobbies.
  11. Your sex life is good in both quality and quantity.
  12. You say “I love you.”
  13. You are interested in each other.
  14. You are proud to be married to each other.
  15. You make time for each other.
  16. You talk about what’s important to each other, and make sure each person is getting what they need.

What does an unhappy marriage look like? Well, just take the opposites of the list above.

And a marriage with Warning Signs? Every case is different, but let’s say it’s that you can’t say yes to all of the above.


Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Marriage, Part 3: Anger, Conflict and Communication

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Matchstrike Media publishes books that help couples improve their lives, relationships and sexual fulfillment in a fun, relatable, and educational way. What we create is designed to appeal to both partners and bring couples closer together. Read More…

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‘Keeping the Spark Alive’ Series

Unravel your Relationship Conflict Issues

Your Dying Sex Life

Spice Up Your Sex Life to Increase Intimacy

Why Are We Fighting?

Relationship Issues are Everywhere: Can you save your Marriage?

Why Relationships Cool: What You Can Do About a Dead or Dying Marriage

Nothing Can Be New Forever: Good Sex Fades

Our Stressful Lives are Killing our Relationships, Intimacy and Sex Lives

Sex-starved and Sexless Marriages

Decide What’s Important. And that Includes Talking about Sex.

What to Do When your Sex Life is Dying and you Don’t Feel Close Anymore

Bring Back the Spark in your Relationship with These Tips!

Marriage, Part 1: Nourish your Relationship Emotionally, Mentally and Physically

Marriage, Part 2: What is a Happy Marriage?

Marriage, Part 3: Anger, Conflict and Communication

Marriage, Part 4: Fix Relationship Anger with Communication and Compromise

Marriage, Part 5: I’m Just Not Feeling the Spark Anymore. I’m feeling Unfulfilled.

Marriage, Part 6: Reconnecting Sexually in a Marriage of Equals

Reignite the Spark in your Marriage with New Bedroom Adventures

Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 1

Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 2: The Spicy Sex Checklist

Discussing your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 3: Other Ideas for Discussing the Sensitive Sex Topic of Spicy Sex

When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 1: The No Sex Marriage

When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 2: Health and Hormone Issues

Fallen out of Love

‘SPICING THINGS UP’ SERIES

Why Do People Like the Spicy Sex Stuff?

Becoming a Kinky Couple Reignites Your Relationship and is a Blast!

How Normal People Are Getting into Kink: More Stories

Is Bondage Wrong? Not if Wives Want a Strong Man in Bed and an Equal Partner the Rest of the Time.

Your Crazy Sexual Desires Don’t Make Sense. Enjoy ’em Anyway!

Explore Kink: Ten Spicy Sex Life Improvers for Couples!

Interest your Partner in the Exhilaration of Spicy Sex and Kink

No Spicy Dice: My Partner is Not Interested in Kinky Sex

The Spicy Internet: The Good, the Bad, the Great, and the Awful…

Why Kink and Spicy Sex Still isn’t Accepted

Just in the Bedroom

How Normal Couples Get into Kink: Our Story

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