Are you keeping Kink closeted; just between yourselves?

If you join the Fetlife online community, the first thing you’re asked to do is to create a profile.  In your profile you describe yourself, your interests, and what you’re looking for on the site, from a romantic partner to friends to people who share your particular sexual interests. You’re also asked to describe your intensity of interest, and one of the choices you can select is “Just in the Bedroom.”

Just In the Bedroom fits me and my wife perfectly, so much so that I formed a group around it on the site.

It’s a fairly small group… some groups, like Novices and Newbies (recommended) have tens of thousands of members. Just in the Bedroom has a couple hundred gathered over the past year or so.

I think that part of the reason for this is that there’s a level of passion and commitment, and folks who get into fetish and kink are serious about it.

To be perfectly honest, folks who just roleplay a bit in the bedroom are a bit looked down upon by the most committed. Some feel that you can’t experience true submission unless you really dive into it, and enter a true power exchange relationship.

I understand these folks’ point, but I disagree. Like anything, I think it’s a matter of degree. For my gal and me, an occasional play session with me taking a dominant role satiates our desires and gives us what we need. Neither of us wants or needs a 24-7 master/slave relationship. And to be quite honest, I’ve never been attracted to potential partners who need or want me to take a 100% leadership role. I’ve always wanted a relationship of equals and partners.

It’s funny, though; in this crazy world nowadays, people are clearly mismatched, because a common topic on the site is people with submissive longings who wish their partner to take more of a dominant, leadership role. And some of these partners can’t or won’t. Or won’t take things far enough. It clearly causes anguish for all involved.

It’s also interesting that some majority of these folks tend to be submissive women, wanting their male partners to take more leadership and control. It is clearly a choice they’re making, and consensual. And because of that, I don’t believe that it’s anti-feminist. But sometimes it feels that way to me.

What’s also interesting to me is that I often pick up a vibe from the dominant males –or those who present themselves of such– that feels misogynist, selfish, narcissistic, and even psychopathic: more interested in manipulation and self-interest than true relationships, and are even unable and uninterested in forming real relationships. It disturbs me that women fall for this, and put themselves in these men’s hands.

Yet, this appears to be what some of these women want.

It seems that we are programmed to want things that aren’t always good for us. And there’s scientific evidence to support this. Women do tend to like assholes. Not sure? There’s lots of good stuff about this out there, but here’s a particularly readable post from Psychology Today.

So, what’s all this getting to?

Most women don’t want to be submissive or subservient. Nor do most men. Nor does either gender want to necessarily be dominant over their partner. But this causes some friction for those who do. And there is part of all of us that finds freedom scary and uncomfortable, and also not being in control. These are appetites, and some of us have stronger appetites than others.

So, if you want to satiate your appetites once in a while, you should. And if that’s enough, then you’re a Just-in-the-Bedroom kinda person like my wife and me.

Alternately, you may just want some kinky sex once in the while… and you don’t want any of that Dominance / submission, Sadism / Masochism, Bondage / Discipline stuff. And that’s fine, too. Maybe you’re fine with something else. (See my earlier post on Kinks.)

But ultimately, for all of us, we’re looking for love and connection, to have relationships that are fulfilling, that bring us closer and increase intimacy… and also scratch those itches that we have but sometimes can’t even explain to ourselves.

All this spicy sex stuff is fun.  It’s fulfilling.  It brings us closer together.  It helps us resolve issues in our relationships of increasing equality.

But, it’s not all there is.  There are people who aren’t kinky who sleep around and are good at bedding conquests, and ultimately those folks tend to be lonely and alone.  We know that seeking kink without connection will have the same result.  We who are Just in the Bedroom are looking to bring together traditional love and connection with the exhilaration of sexual exploration to make our relationships stronger and more vibrant, not just out of self-interest, but for love of our partner and what we have together.

It’s all good.

We are all different, and there’s not one “right” way to do spicy sex.  It’s what works for you and your partner, and what you do in your bedroom is your business, no one else’s.

As a friend said about Just in the Bedroom folks, “We’re as kinky as we want to be.” And no more.

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