As you start to explore bondage, it’s inevitable that you ask, “How do I set up a bondage scene?”
We need a bondage scene cookbook!
This post is for couples who are not bondage lifestylers, but just regular folks who like to explore the wild side a bit, at least as a fantasy. People pursue fantasies for any number of reasons; for most of us the fantasy is sufficient. I’ve found many similar folks online, and we’ve taken to calling people like us “Just in the Bedroom.”
For Just in the Bedroom folks, bondage is a fun escape to spice things up, that’s done less than regularly. But like anything, doing a good bondage scene is a skill. You get better with experience.
To help folks who are exploring this stuff, some time ago I wrote a little cookbook with one recipe for how a scene might work, and which works well for my wife when we can carve enough time to cook the full “meal.”
I hope you find this useful, and if you do, post a comment of what works, what doesn’t, and what you do in your own life!
Increasingly, regular folks are finding that they enjoy playing with bondage, discipline, dominance and submission. Such play doesn’t just spice up sex lives, but brings couples closer together and has the cathartic effect of releasing stresses of our more gender-equal relationships.
My wife and I certainly get these benefits out of our roleplay and doing a bondage scene, although we don’t get much time for big all-day scenes like we did before we started a family. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t think about it… a lot. Especially her: it was her interest in this stuff that actually got us started. Her adventurous mind is one of the many reasons that I love her.
When we get the chance in the bedroom, my wife really enjoys being dominated. And I really enjoy her submission. There’s something about her crawling on the floor, completely naked and following all of my orders that’s a huge turn-on. I’m not a dominant personality, nor do I want to be one (I’m not a doormat, I just neither want to give nor take orders from anyone), and our relationship is one of millennial equality… but in the bedroom I’m completely in charge. This more than makes up for any dominance I don’t exert in our day-to-day relationship. And that’s where a good bondage scene comes in!
Most of the time, we don’t have time for a big bondage scene. Heck, most of the time our sex is vanilla, other times we might add some little kinky things. And that’s fine, it’s the best we can do. But we look forward to doing a bondage scene when we can get to it. We call it, “Big Sex.” And to be honest, at this point in our lives if we do one or two a year, we’re lucky.
But a few years ago when we finally had all the kids in school at the same time, I took a half-day off from work, so that we could get a chance to enact a long-put-off scene. Damn, I still get hard remembering the vision of walking into the bedroom after dropping the kids off at school, and she’s naked, on her knees, eyes down, hands in her lap, waiting for me as I had ordered. Hot!
Given that our roleplay now needed some scheduling and planning, I started thinking about what I’d do to her in coming sessions, and I realized that when I create the kind of bondage scene I like, I tend to create a session of 4 acts:
- Act 1 is setting the scene: ordering her to strip, or to meet me naked on her knees, ordering her to get out the toys or restraints, starting to order her to assume some different bondage positions she’s been taught. It’s easing her into the scene in some ways, although the leap into BDSM is always a plunge. But it’s generally a stepwise progression into the more extreme acts following.
- Act 2 is getting deeper into the bondage scene… maybe training her on new positions, sexual acts, something new she’s not comfortable with, testing her limits. Maybe being rough with her, adding various real or arbitrary punishments to give her pain or pleasure and get her focused and excited. Maybe an over-the-knee spanking, flogging, paddling as she presents and offers herself to me. More giving her orders, pushing her limits. The act ends with some limit being met or not met, or punishment pushing her to or beyond the edge.
- Act 3 is the big scene… perhaps position bondage, or equipment like the spanking bench or an overhead hook, or maybe elaborate rope ties, more extreme sensory deprivation like the ball gag, hood, blindfolds, or ear plugs, then paddling, orgasm denial, anal play… essentially, the climax. Or several climaxes, usually one or several of hers, possibly including squirting orgasms, which we’re still working on.
- Act 4 is the conclusion, and culminates with my orgasm. Maybe I take her ass or pussy or both (or fuck her pussy while her ass is plugged, or vibrate her pussy while I fuck her ass, or whatever), but basically I’m completely over-stimulated at this point, and I fuck her silly and try to keep from coming myself. Having her gagged is actually helpful; if she’s gagged well enough she can’t tell me she’s cumming… that puts me over the edge too often. But she gets to go at least once and possibly several times more as I slam into her tied up or untied body, and this is where she’ll sometimes black out if I can hold off long enough.
Then, there’s the very important epilogue as well… untying, snuggling, loving each other, the return to normality, cleaning stuff up and putting stuff away. The scenes we have are tame compared to some… we don’t do a lot of extreme stuff, pain is very light, and my girl has never entered subspace. But I should mention that for a lot of people, “aftercare” after a heavy bondage scene is absolutely critical, especially if there have been lots of endorphins, emotions, pain and physical limits met and crossed. It varies a lot by person and the scene, and while sometimes no aftercare might be needed, other people need a warm blanket, cuddling, water, soft caresses and kind, loving words until the person feels recovered. So, if you’re taking your partner through a scene, be aware and responsible for the person you love.
Anyway, as for the bondage scene itself, there are a million options and scenarios for every act… add handcuffs, toys, oral, ropes, floggers, paddles, clamps, clothespins… the possibilities are endless, and I’ve actually been thinking about all the options, to sort of balance out the bondage scene in any given session. And I’m always working on discovering what new things she might like to try, or she’s letting me know obliquely what she might be interested in. Some might call this topping from the bottom, but it’s not, as we don’t really have a dominant/submissive relationship. It’s two people exploring our sexuality and relationship together, and more than anything it’s the pleasure and excitement that she experiences with her submission that pushes my own excitement and sexual satisfaction to such amazing heights.