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Bondage Scene Cookbook

December 7, 2014 by Edward Ryan 2 Comments

As you start to explore bondage, it’s inevitable that you ask, “How do I set up a bondage scene?”

We need a bondage scene cookbook!

This post is for couples who are not bondage lifestylers, but just regular folks who like to explore the wild side a bit, at least as a fantasy. People pursue fantasies for any number of reasons; for most of us the fantasy is sufficient. I’ve found many similar folks online, and we’ve taken to calling people like us “Just in the Bedroom.”

For Just in the Bedroom folks, bondage is a fun escape to spice things up, that’s done less than regularly. But like anything, doing a good bondage scene is a skill. You get better with experience.

To help folks who are exploring this stuff, some time ago I wrote a little cookbook with one recipe for how a scene might work, and which works well for my wife when we can carve enough time to cook the full “meal.”

I hope you find this useful, and if you do, post a comment of what works, what doesn’t, and what you do in your own life!

Bondage Scenes

Increasingly, regular folks are finding that they enjoy playing with bondage, discipline, dominance and submission. Such play doesn’t just spice up sex lives, but brings couples closer together and has the cathartic effect of releasing stresses of our more gender-equal relationships.

My wife and I certainly get these benefits out of our roleplay and doing a bondage scene, although we don’t get much time for big all-day scenes like we did before we started a family. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t think about it… a lot. Especially her: it was her interest in this stuff that actually got us started. Her adventurous mind is one of the many reasons that I love her.

When we get the chance in the bedroom, my wife really enjoys being dominated. And I really enjoy her submission. There’s something about her crawling on the floor, completely naked and following all of my orders that’s a huge turn-on. I’m not a dominant personality, nor do I want to be one (I’m not a doormat, I just neither want to give nor take orders from anyone), and our relationship is one of millennial equality… but in the bedroom I’m completely in charge. This more than makes up for any dominance I don’t exert in our day-to-day relationship. And that’s where a good bondage scene comes in!

Most of the time, we don’t have time for a big bondage scene. Heck, most of the time our sex is vanilla, other times we might add some little kinky things. And that’s fine, it’s the best we can do. But we look forward to doing a bondage scene when we can get to it. We call it, “Big Sex.” And to be honest, at this point in our lives if we do one or two a year, we’re lucky.

But a few years ago when we finally had all the kids in school at the same time, I took a half-day off from work, so that we could get a chance to enact a long-put-off scene. Damn, I still get hard remembering the vision of walking into the bedroom after dropping the kids off at school, and she’s naked, on her knees, eyes down, hands in her lap, waiting for me as I had ordered. Hot!

Given that our roleplay now needed some scheduling and planning, I started thinking about what I’d do to her in coming sessions, and I realized that when I create the kind of bondage scene I like, I tend to create a session of 4 acts:

Act 1 is setting the scene: ordering her to strip, or to meet me naked on her knees, ordering her to get out the toys or restraints, starting to order her to assume some different bondage positions she’s been taught. It’s easing her into the scene in some ways, although the leap into BDSM is always a plunge. But it’s generally a stepwise progression into the more extreme acts following.
Act 2 is getting deeper into the bondage scene… maybe training her on new positions, sexual acts, something new she’s not comfortable with, testing her limits. Maybe being rough with her, adding various real or arbitrary punishments to give her pain or pleasure and get her focused and excited. Maybe an over-the-knee spanking, flogging, paddling as she presents and offers herself to me. More giving her orders, pushing her limits. The act ends with some limit being met or not met, or punishment pushing her to or beyond the edge.
Act 3 is the big scene… perhaps position bondage, or equipment like the spanking bench or an overhead hook, or maybe elaborate rope ties, more extreme sensory deprivation like the ball gag, hood, blindfolds, or ear plugs, then paddling, orgasm denial, anal play… essentially, the climax. Or several climaxes, usually one or several of hers, possibly including squirting orgasms, which we’re still working on.
Act 4 is the conclusion, and culminates with my orgasm. Maybe I take her ass or pussy or both (or fuck her pussy while her ass is plugged, or vibrate her pussy while I fuck her ass, or whatever), but basically I’m completely over-stimulated at this point, and I fuck her silly and try to keep from coming myself. Having her gagged is actually helpful; if she’s gagged well enough she can’t tell me she’s cumming… that puts me over the edge too often. But she gets to go at least once and possibly several times more as I slam into her tied up or untied body, and this is where she’ll sometimes black out if I can hold off long enough.

Then, there’s the very important epilogue as well… untying, snuggling, loving each other, the return to normality, cleaning stuff up and putting stuff away. The scenes we have are tame compared to some… we don’t do a lot of extreme stuff, pain is very light, and my girl has never entered subspace. But I should mention that for a lot of people, “aftercare” after a heavy bondage scene is absolutely critical, especially if there have been lots of endorphins, emotions, pain and physical limits met and crossed. It varies a lot by person and the scene, and while sometimes no aftercare might be needed, other people need a warm blanket, cuddling, water, soft caresses and kind, loving words until the person feels recovered. So, if you’re taking your partner through a scene, be aware and responsible for the person you love.

Anyway, as for the bondage scene itself, there are a million options and scenarios for every act… add handcuffs, toys, oral, ropes, floggers, paddles, clamps, clothespins… the possibilities are endless, and I’ve actually been thinking about all the options, to sort of balance out the bondage scene in any given session. And I’m always working on discovering what new things she might like to try, or she’s letting me know obliquely what she might be interested in. Some might call this topping from the bottom, but it’s not, as we don’t really have a dominant/submissive relationship. It’s two people exploring our sexuality and relationship together, and more than anything it’s the pleasure and excitement that she experiences with her submission that pushes my own excitement and sexual satisfaction to such amazing heights.

Just in the Bedroom

November 6, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

If you join the Fetlife online community, the first thing you’re asked to do is to create a profile. In your profile you describe yourself, your interests, and what you’re looking for on the site, from a romantic partner to friends to people who share your particular sexual interests. You’re also asked to describe your intensity of interest, and one of the choices you can select is “Just in the Bedroom.”

Just In the Bedroom fits me and my wife perfectly, so much so that I formed a group around it on the site.

It’s a fairly small group… some groups, like Novices and Newbies (recommended) have tens of thousands of members. Just in the Bedroom has a couple hundred gathered over the past year or so.

I think that part of the reason for this is that there’s a level of passion and commitment, and folks who get into fetish and kink are serious about it.

To be perfectly honest, folks who just roleplay a bit in the bedroom are a bit looked down upon by the most committed. Some feel that you can’t experience true submission unless you really dive into it, and enter a true power exchange relationship.

I understand these folks’ point, but I disagree. Like anything, I think it’s a matter of degree. For my gal and me, an occasional play session with me taking a dominant role satiates our desires and gives us what we need. Neither of us wants or needs a 24-7 master/slave relationship. And to be quite honest, I’ve never been attracted to potential partners who need or want me to take a 100% leadership role. I’ve always wanted a relationship of equals and partners.

It’s funny, though; in this crazy world nowadays, people are clearly mismatched, because a common topic on the site is people with submissive longings who wish their partner to take more of a dominant, leadership role. And some of these partners can’t or won’t. Or won’t take things far enough. It clearly causes anguish for all involved.

It’s also interesting that some majority of these folks tend to be submissive women, wanting their male partners to take more leadership and control. It is clearly a choice they’re making, and consensual. And because of that, I don’t believe that it’s anti-feminist. But sometimes it feels that way to me.

What’s also interesting to me is that I often pick up a vibe from the dominant males –or those who present themselves of such– that feels misogynist, selfish, narcissistic, and even psychopathic: more interested in manipulation and self-interest than true relationships, and are even unable and uninterested in forming real relationships. It disturbs me that women fall for this, and put themselves in these men’s hands.

Yet, this appears to be what some of these women want.

It seems that we are programmed to want things that aren’t always good for us. And there’s scientific evidence to support this. Women do tend to like assholes. Not sure? There’s lots of good stuff about this out there, but here’s a particularly readable post from Psychology Today.

So, what’s all this getting to?

Most women don’t want to be submissive or subservient. Nor do most men. Nor does either gender want to necessarily be dominant over their partner. But this causes some friction for those who do. And there is part of all of us that finds freedom scary and uncomfortable, and also not being in control. These are appetites, and some of us have stronger appetites than others.

So, if you want to satiate your appetites once in a while, you should. And if that’s enough, then you’re a Just-in-the-Bedroom kinda person like my wife and me.

Alternately, you may just want some kinky sex once in the while… and you don’t want any of that Dominance / submission, Sadism / Masochism, Bondage / Discipline stuff. And that’s fine, too. Maybe you’re fine with something else. (See my earlier post on Kinks.)

But ultimately, for all of us, we’re looking for love and connection, to have relationships that are fulfilling, that bring us closer and increase intimacy… and also scratch those itches that we have but sometimes can’t even explain to ourselves.

All this spicy sex stuff is fun. It’s fulfilling. It brings us closer together. It helps us resolve issues in our relationships of increasing equality.

But, it’s not all there is. There are people who aren’t kinky who sleep around and are good at bedding conquests, and ultimately those folks tend to be lonely and alone. We know that seeking kink without connection will have the same result. We who are Just in the Bedroom are looking to bring together traditional love and connection with the exhilaration of sexual exploration to make our relationships stronger and more vibrant, not just out of self-interest, but for love of our partner and what we have together.

It’s all good.

We are all different, and there’s not one “right” way to do spicy sex. It’s what works for you and your partner, and what you do in your bedroom is your business, no one else’s.

As a friend said about Just in the Bedroom folks, “We’re as kinky as we want to be.” And no more.

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Why Kink and Spicy Sex Still isn’t Accepted

November 6, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Kink and spicy sex isn’t mainstream because people pass value judgments on how you live your life.

In the past, there was a culture to uphold. Right or wrong, in Western culture heterosexual monogamy became the standard, and people quoted scripture to support that.

It became the standard because it worked. It codified expectations. Other cultures and traditions have had other ways. But with this sexually repressed system, Western culture did become ascendant.

But Western culture also gave the world the Enlightenment with a belief in rationality and equal rights, and we find ourselves in the culmination of this chain of events. And there have been culture wars for decades between the more liberal and conservative elements of society. It’s divided along red and blue political systems, but even beyond that.

Additionally, there is an increasing body of scientific evidence about how the brain has evolved and works that suggests that there are biological reasons for our cultural norms.

For example, there is evidence that if women are going to cheat, they tend to do it when they are most fertile and their estrogen is highest. If successful in doing so secretly, there is a chance that spouses could wind up raising children that aren’t their own, which is biologically counter-productive.

Additionally, women were traditionally dependent upon their heterosexual partner to provide for them while they raise their children, so keeping marriages intact and not having sex until married was important lest the woman not be able to raise her children, with cost to her family and society.

Yet, at the same time, men desire to spread their seed widely and often, seeking multiple partners. So among a male-dominated society, boys-will-be-boys attitudes proliferate.

We continue to experience vestiges of these social structures even today, particularly in conservative communities where people were raised with values and morals that supported this system.

But things are changing, with marriage no longer being required to allow women to support their children, or to remain in abusive or unfulfilling relationships.

Polygamorous marriages and non-marriages are becoming more common. And as men and women become more equal, new power structures are being explored. Which you, reading this, are doing yourself.

Cultural changes = relationship stress

But not everything is great. When there are no rules, or old rules are swept away, we all experience stress while we figure out new equilibriums.

A husband who discusses every decision with his wife as an equal, and even usually defers to her desires can find himself in a situation where she doesn’t respect him and his masculinity. While she wants to be an equal, deep down inside there’s a primitive urge for a strong man who exhibits his caveman-like behaviors.

It gets a bit pop-science-y, but women definitely express preferences for hyper-masculine when they are most fertile: alpha male jerks who exhibit dominant behaviors… and these are the men with whom they have one-night stands. Esther Perel put it best: “What we protest against during the day is what we desire during the night.”

It puts nice guys –men who are trying to live up to the expectations of gender equality– in a tough situation.

But for those who can swing it, some roleplay and spicy sex in the bedroom satisfies appetites that aren’t getting filled otherwise.

When women demand PC partners… then get bored

My dad left when I was five. Plenty of blame to go around, but the net result was that it left me to tag along with my mom as she immersed herself fully in the early-70’s Equal Rights movement. I was raised a feminist, and I have no regrets about that.

But, it took me a fairly long time to get into the mind of being able to dominate my wife in the bedroom. I raised to defer to women, to seek equality in all things, to not treat women like objects or a naughty girl that needed to be punished.

My wife would publicly deny she wants me to treat her like that in the bedroom, out of propriety and her reputation. But the fact is… she does. But only occasionally, and only in the bedroom. Oh, okay, or in a hotel room. 🙂

I wrote in another post how I finally got more comfortable with things, and my “Aha!” moment. And things have been great since then. Spicy sex has made our marriage and relationship stronger and better.

But the issue goes both ways. If you are a woman whose partner wants you to submit to him in the bedroom, you might slam into your own feminist beliefs. You might not have any submissive desires, or you might not feel able to admit them to yourself given how hard women have worked to get where they are today, and how they still have far to go both in Western society and globally.

Or, you might as a woman find yourself in a situation where you have a strong man who you fantasize about dominating… or who wishes to be dominated. That can be a particularly tricky one to figure out, especially for if your male partner is vanilla, not interested in kink, and either committed to or insecure about his masculinity. Being submissive in any capacity, spicy sex or not, could be psychologically difficult to accept.

But again, think of the stereotype of who sees dominatrixes: powerful, professional men who have the desire and means to give up power for a short time. If you want to try this, or if your man wants to try this kind of spicy sex, you should. See how you both like it, and remember how it’s only temporary and a game played in the bedroom.

And if you do try being dominant during some spicy sex in the bedroom, the same tip as always applies: start slow. And approach it the right way: I doubt there’s any guy who wouldn’t be willing to let you try out the furry handcuffs while you gave him a blowjob. See how that goes, and take it from there.

But if partner struggling with this, give them time to absorb and process after each experience.

Reconciling feminism with submissive fantasies

There is a controversial topic in feminist blogs about a common female fantasy of being overpowered during sex. It causes a lot of anguish, for obvious reasons. But studies show that four out of ten women have these fantasies… regularly. Why? There are theories. You can read a great high-level article from Psychology Today here for an overview. And the comments are even better.

But, if you are a woman struggling with the contradiction of submissive fantasies with your desire to maintain the hard-won advances that women have made in the past century, you aren’t alone. And some men are also sensitive to this.

My opinion –which some won’t agree with, including some feminist bloggers– is that fantasy is fantasy, and what excites you in the bedroom is your business. If you want your partner to roleplay your fantasies, and he’s willing, there is no stigma with that.

But I will also say that it took me some time to get my own mind to where I could be the person to make our roleplay sessions what my wife really wanted. And for me, it took me understanding how much my wife got off on it, how much she wanted me to get off on it, and then the secret sauce that this was acting for both of us (or perhaps a bit more). Our allowing ourselves to fulfill our own and each others’ desires was incredibly fulfilling and sexy.

Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Just in the Bedroom

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Explore Kink: Ten Spicy Sex Life Improvers for Couples!

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan 1 Comment

The world of kink is vast, limited only by the minds and interests of everyone in the world. So we aren’t going to get into everything. But, we can at least look at some of the more “mainstream” kinks that you might be interested in.

But before we do, one comment about the words “kink” and “fetish”: They suck.

Words are loaded, and those words in particular have negative emotional connotations that imply sexual deviancy and unwholesomeness. So, I’ll try to use the word “spicy” to better describe these things for folks who want to explore kink.

With that, if you want to explore kink, here are ten common ones to consider.

Voyeurism – People-watching is a time-honored sport, it’s fun, especially on a date night say watching singles hook up and make out. And porn movies can count, too.
Exhibitionism – Ever get aroused by the idea of someone checking you out or getting titillated seeing more of you than they probably should? There are many degrees of this, from wearing a low-cut blouse to streaking through campus.
Clothing: Lingerie & Shoes – Besides looking sexy, there are a large number of people who have developed sexual attraction to certain clothing items. The variety is vast, but some men just get incredibly turned on by their women tramping it up in something revealing, others get turned on by shoes and stockings.
Body Parts: Feet, hands and hair – Like clothing, some people have biologically come to associate certain body parts with sexual arousal. Straight men often respond to boobs, butts, legs and waists. But some also get turned on by feed, hands and hair. And straight women get turned on by masculine features like shoulders and waists. If there’s some way you guys can get a thrill in the bedroom with your partner by enjoying these body parts, why wouldn’t you?
Bondage – Bondage has become a catch-all phrase for a lot of things, but we’ll say here that it’s tying someone up through any number of methods, in any kind of position, for sexual or non-sexual reasons. For some, it’s about the control that they have over the other person, or the demonstration of submission, that they willingly give themselves up to another person. Personally, I find that bondage is a lot of fun because when I’m done, my wife has given me total control over her, and I feel I have permission to see to my own pleasure with her like that which I don’t have otherwise. Combine this with a blindfold and other stuff, and the freedom it gives both of us is amazing.
Spanking (S&M) – Spanking is one kind of sensation play, where a person spanks another person’s butt, either by hand or with a device. Other parts of the body can be flogged or paddled as well, and some folks enjoy the endorphins released that tangle up with the pleasure receptors so much they get into what’s called “heavy sensation play.” That’s not something my wife and I are interested in, but many are.
Dominance and Submission – it’s just like it sounds: One person takes charge, the other gives up control. We are all wired with neural pathways for this kind of stuff, and in some cases we are leaders, in others followers, and there is a pleasure to be found in each. This kind of play takes that further, and some folks get a lot of pleasure from each role. Tie that up with sexual play, and it’s a hell of a cocktail.
Oral – Okay, this seems tame compared to the other topics we’ve been talking about… but it’s not. Have you and your partner really discovered oral sex? I’m going to guess that most of us haven’t. We’ll do more posts on this later, but for now, check out She Comes First in our recommended books section.
Anal – Anal has a bad rep, for a lot of obvious reasons. But I can personally attest that there is pleasure to be found in this area, for both of you. If you already know you’re interested, then go for it. If it’s not something you’ve ever considered, consider it. Check our other posts for posts tagged “anal.”
Toys – Butt plugs and dildos and lube, Oh my! A clothing catalog my wife got in the mail the other day had two pages of sex toys in it. They’re everywhere. Try ‘em out. One of my stories is about a rosebud buttplug. It’s a kink, but also getting more common.

Want to learn more about what you might like? Try a checklist: you can find a post I did on checklists here.

Even better, sit down with your partner, and do a checklist together. You’ll learn a lot, it’ll be fun and exciting, and perhaps most importantly what you and your spouse are not interested in.

Plus, you’ll learn some things that your spouse might not just be willing to try, but is enthusiastic about. I remember when my wife and I did a checklist for the first time. I was stunned –and overjoyed– by some of the things my wife said she would try. “Really?? You’d do THAT?” My god, my gal… I love her.

And that is a great example of the benefits that kink can bring. That my wife is willing to admit and even do some things that would shock the neighbors makes me feel incredibly close to her, and excited, and grateful that she shares such thoughts with me. And I think the same would be true for everyone in the same situation.

Your feelings of rejection and shame

Jeremy Nicholson, M.S.W., Ph.D. writes in Psychology Today that:

There is an unfortunate misconception that fantasies, fetishes, and kink necessarily “objectify” and “distance” lovers from one another. Usually, just the opposite is true. Sharing your secret sexual cravings with a special partner can increase trust and intimacy. It is a special, private piece of yourself that you are giving to someone else.

In this world where half of all marriages end in divorce –if people even get married at all– looking into things to satisfy your own desires isn’t bad. What happens in the bedroom is your own business.

If you feel ashamed of your desires, then you owe it to yourself to ask why. Most likely, it’s expectations that you feel society, religion, family or you have for yourself. But are you subordinating your own happiness for subjective morality that you never chose for yourself? If so, then stick up for yourself. If you are feeling unhappy, unconnected and unfulfilled, that is no way to go through life. Try other things, and get a loving partner to explore them with you.

Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Get Your Partner Interested in the Exhilaration of Spicy Sex and Kink

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Becoming a Kinky Couple Reignites Your Relationship and is a Blast!

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

What do people get out of spicy sex and exploring the kinky stuff together?

Well, everyone is different, and the spicy recipes that you make with your partner will suit both your individual tastes.

But the true benefit for couples is that this spicy stuff brings couples together and creates intimacy.

I’ve always seen it as just something fun and exciting that my wife and I do together, for ourselves and each other, because it’s a blast and so sexually exciting. It was only recently when I was talking with a friend online that I realized that technically, that means we have a kinky relationship, and we’re a kinky couple. Hmm. Okay. I guess that’s true! And I can live with it.

There’s more to it than power games!

It’s not just kink for kink’s sake. It is creating connection between two people through exploring things together that really, perhaps secretly, turn them on. The person may not be able to explain why it’s a turn on… but being able to trust, explore and experience the excitement of seemingly forbidden fantasies together… how couldn’t it bring two people closer together?

There are tons of fetishes and sexual interests out there to explore! Some seem bizarre: but really, most are understandable and explainable. Examples:

Spanking – My gal loves being spanked. Heck, it was her idea, although she doesn’t like to admit it. When we do it, for the duration of the “scene” we tie her submission into it, and my dominance. And it’s not really about “correcting” her, although some people enjoy that. It’s more about giving her my full attention, making her feel punished for her dirty thoughts… and punishing her because it turns me on and I want to do it.
Lingerie – the idea of giving yourself over to being a sexy being… so at odds with being a doctor, lawyer and mother!
Voyeurism and exhibitionism – it’s exciting to watch, secretly or otherwise. And it can be a thrill to be watched, to see someone interested in getting a glimpse of you!
Swinging – We don’t swing, and are happy being monogamous. But increasingly, people are seeing sex outside marriage as “just sex,” separate from the committed relationship. It’s a thrill to watch and be watched… this takes it further. It’s not something for my wife and me, but it’s understandable. Of course, the risks of getting hurt emotionally seems high to me.
Roleplay – Many of us have trouble letting loose and getting what we want. But if we play a role –Master, slave, boss, teacher, student, pizza delivery guy, vampire, werewolf, Anna Nicole Smith, whatever turns you on– we can forget who we are, and focus on what we want. And it’s fun, if you can let go!
And much more…

We’ll delve deeper into these and other things in other posts… it’s a fun topic!

But the bottom line is that people do have appetites that are getting satisfied with this stuff.

Maybe the desire being satisfied it’s for being desired. For control. For not being in control. For slaking a thirst for new experiences. For trying something that is forbidden, by rules of gender, morality, or society.

Often, our sexual desires tap into subconscious things: I’ve chatted online with a number of guys who totally got into a frenzy fantasizing about their wives having sex with other men. It makes them overwhelmed with lust and desire for their wives, both because another man is interested in the wife and finds her desirable, but so much so they push to get her… proving her value and sexual desirability. Some even encourage their wives to go through with it. (What the wives get out of it is a bit more easy to grasp.) It is agony and ecstasy for these guys, and while not something I personally want to experience from either end, these guys were able to help me understand what they found thrilling and satisfying about it. (It’s an interesting topic, you can learn lots more by googling hotwife or cuckolding.)

And to emphasize one again the one thing that’s not talked about enough is that kink leads to the fulfillment of being able to try out your own fantasies… and have a willing, even enthusiastic partner who helps you make them come true. Or to say it another way:

Kink is connection, and leads to greater intimacy.

Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: How Normal People Get into Kink: Our Story

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Why Do People Like the Spicy Sex Stuff?

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan 1 Comment

Everyone wants a fantastic sex life.

But… what is your definition of a terrific sex life?

For me, it’s really about connecting with my partner. Her excitement is what’s most exciting to me. And some of the best sex we’ve had has been plain “vanilla.” Nothing fancy, but where we fed off each other’s exhilaration. I think we all can relate: think of the excitement of the first time you had sex with your partner, with the anxiety, excitement and the thrill of it.

But newness fades. So to keep things fresh we try new things. Not just for the novelty, but to explore and excite our partners, and excite ourselves in return.

Of course, some folks don’t try new things. The result can be “bed death,” a phrase I find so perfectly descriptive. It’s when the sex gets so dull that neither partner sees the point anymore.

So, to stay enthusiastic, we try new things. Sometimes we try the Spicy Sex Stuff, which is more often known as “kink.” Kinky stuff is everywhere nowadays. Books. Movies. Magazines. TV shoes. And it’s a popular topic of conversation.

But you may not know anybody that actually does it. Or admits to doing it. Yet people clearly are doing it. After 50 Shades, became popular, hardware stores reported they were selling out of rope.

And people were into this stuff before 50 Shades came around. My wife and I got into this as a direct result of her interest from reading Ann Rice’s Sleeping Beauty series long before I even met her. (link to affiliate store)

So, we do kinky stuff in the bedroom.

It’s been an absolute blast.

How Spicy Sex is Exciting to us: Dominance and submission

But, despite us playing with kink in the bedroom, we have a modern marriage of equals. So what do we enjoy about this stuff? Well, being equals can be exhausting. Sometimes she gets tired of being the strong woman; she wants me to step up, be in charge, and lead. And for me, being careful to make every single decision together is exhausting for me, too. And frankly, it evaporates my manly independence –which I admit is important to me as a guy—and thus impacts my own feelings of masculinity and also how she perceives me.

I mean, crap, sometimes I just want to say, “Enough. We’ll do it my way. Decided.” <smile> Which is guaranteed to make her explode. So, often we’ll talk, and just do things her way, because I don’t really care, and I don’t want a fight. But sometimes I feel it would be nice to be able to be Papa Bear, and everyone jumps to my commands. But… the world don’t work like that no more, at least not in our house.

She’d never want to give up her power in the relationship. She wants me to be nurturing, be involved with running the house and making a nice home for us and our family, and be sensitive to her needs and emotions. Yet she craves to be overpowered by a strong man. Luckily for both of us, we’ve figured it out, and roleplay in the bedroom scratches that itch. And I’m the one that scratches it. Me. I’m the only one.

And my wife isn’t alone. A recent Huffington Post article by psychologist Randi Gunther, Ph.D. shares that she is seeing numerous couples where, Husbands are happy with more equality. Wives are still divorcing them. The sensitive male does not inspire sexual passion.

But, for us, in the bedroom we have play sessions where we live out these fantasies of her submission and my dominance… my overpowering masculinity, her enthusiastic submission. It’s a mental shift, totally unlike our day-to-day relationship, where she submits to my will.

Being the son of a single, strongly feminist mother, I had issues accepting the dominant role when I figured out that was what she needed, wanted and was asking for. But eventually I figured it out. And it has totally paid off.

For us, her occasional submission gives her permission to be naughty and my object… and to give herself over to her pleasure, as well as mine. She gives up control, and there’s a freedom in that, which she usually doesn’t have. She doesn’t have to think, she just does. And for me, it’s the same thing, just from the opposite direction.

We are fortunate that we’re comfortable going back to our normal roles of equals afterwards with no real trouble. And for some time –days, weeks, even months—we’re both much more happy and relaxed. It also cements in her brain that I am a man who has demonstrated I can –and do—act in bold, dominant male fashion. And it satisfies her need for masculinity.

How Kink is Exciting to us: Sensation Play

Some folks enjoy being spanked… and more.

For us, we really aren’t into anything painful, except that a sound spanking can be a lot of fun. For us it’s much more about the roleplaying aspect, but the nerves down in that area get all jumbled up, and there’s crossover that can lead to stronger orgasms for my gal.

There’s also the sensation and adrenaline, and how alive and focused it makes the person getting spanked feel… and it’s exciting to the person giving the spanking as well.

We’re pretty basic in what we do, but you’ve probably seen stuff on the Internet that makes you wince. Us, too. But some folks do enjoy that stuff. Intensely.

Spicy sex is what you like. Like the spices we add to the recipes you like, you cook up what you personally like.

Roleplaying versus Lifestyle

Meanwhile, others seek more “24/7” or “lifestyle” arrangements: a more permanent relationship structure where one person is dominant over the other. In some ways this is reminiscent of “traditional” marriages, but it’s different in that it often now includes a much more explicit sexual element, and either gender can be dominant.

Personally, I see all this this as another example of the normal distribution… the majority of people clump towards the average in anything, but there are always some who at either extremes, and that’s fine for them. Most of us are in the middle, though. We don’t need a full-time dominant-submissive relationship. Yet that is what much of the literature out there is targeted towards… which makes perfect sense, actually. Who’s most passionate about this stuff? The folks who live and breathe it, or who crave it. And that’s one of the things that makes this site different: we’re for the folks in the middle, looking to address marriage friction, communicate better, and improve intimacy through a better sex life.

And, on the other extreme, many people have no interest in kink. And that’s fine, too. It could also be that these folks are in more ‘traditional’ marriages, with more ‘old-style’ gender roles, and no need to play out power games since they live them already. Or they’re just not particularly sexual, or don’t have a need or desire to be dominant or submissive. Or folks have “traditional” values, the idea of explicit sex and things that come with kink may make them uncomfortable.

But, if you’re in a loving, monogamous marriage or relationship, and you are feeling the desire or disconnected from each other, this spicy sex stuff can provide huge benefits.

Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Becoming a Kinky Couple Reignites Your Relationship and is a Blast!

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Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 2: The Spicy Sex Checklist

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan 1 Comment

Let’s say that your partner has agreed to up their game and try new things. And you might have an idea of things that you want to do right away.

However, those things may be way too much for your spouse first thing. Likewise, there might be some things your spouse might be open to, that you’re not ready for.

What to do?

Thanks to the Internet, the answer is simple, and accessible.

Sit down one night, and go through a sexual checklist.

There are lots of them out there. Below, I’ve provided links to three. The first is a lot less likely to freak your spouse out if they’re a bit sheltered. The second checklist gets into more adventurous stuff. And the last checklist is a complete and detailed lists of activities you may never have heard of. You might have to Google some of the terms. I did.

But the idea is to go through the list together, and to see which items you each might want to try… and even better, find a few that you’re both enthusiastic about trying. That is a great place to start.

Basic Spicy Sex Checklist

Intermediate Spicy Sex Checklist

Whoa! Crazy Kinky Spicy Sex Checklist

You can look through these, and copy and paste just the sections you want to review with your partner. And you can even tell them there’s more for another time.

And of course, there are plenty of books out there on all kinds of sexual topics, and you can order them online so you don’t have to be embarrassed at the bookstore checkout line. The disadvantage is that shoving a book at your partner with a request that they read it has a low probability of them actually reading. In my opinion, you’re better off with a finite task you do together.

Plus… if you do it right, it should be fun! It will certainly be educational. I will always remember going through a similar list with my wife a decade or so back. I think my jaw dropped. “You want to do that?? Uh… okay!!! I’ll do it!”

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 3: Other Ideas for Discussing The Sensitive Topic of Spicy Sex

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Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 1

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Know what you’re asking for

So… you have an idea of how you want to spice things up in the bedroom. Maybe you…

Read 50 Shades, and got turned on by the focus, assertiveness and masculinity of Mr. Gray…
Saw an article in Cosmo that gave you the idea to try something you’d never have considered before…
Heard of the guys at the bar mention that his new girlfriend is crazy for anal…
Saw a commercial on TV for a hotel with a heart-shaped tub…
Want to visit a Gentleman’s Club in Vegas…
Want to experiment with toys, bondage, or spanking?

And now… you’re terrified to bring the subject up with your spouse.

But getting the sex you want requires discussing your desires with your partner. Even if it’s hard.

If you don’t ask, the answer is always “No.”

On the plus side, at least you know what turns you on.

So, if you want it, you have to ask for it. Your spouse can’t read your mind.

But… maybe you’re afraid of being rejected?

Well, if you don’t ask, you’ll always be rejected. And remember, timing is everything.

Or, it may be a case that you’re just embarrassed, or afraid of being judged.

But gals, trust me, in most cases men will be delighted to try anything sexual you’d like to explore. Heck, we’ll be incredibly grateful you told us, and trusted us… and will feel closer to you for your just asking!

And the same might go for guys talking to their partners, as well.

If afraid your straight-and-narrow partner might reject you, then think of how to introduce the idea to them in a non-threatening way.

Sometimes, just the right tone of voice goes a long way.

Saying lightly, “Ya know, I’ve always kinda wanted to try that. Ha ha! Isn’t that crazy? But it turns me on.” You didn’t ask or push her for whatever it might be, and at worst, they might say no way, Jose. But there’s a chance they might say yes.

If she says no, it raises the opportunity to ask, again in a non-threatening way, “Really? Why wouldn’t you do that?” She might raise legitimate concerns and objections… and chances are, they’re more about her and how she’s afraid you might view her if she did that thing, than anything having to do with you. But it gives you the chance to start the discussion, and maybe you can convince her to give it a try some time.

And, again, if you don’t ask, then the answer is always, “No.”

So, talking is always the first thing to do. But timing is everything. Perhaps after the kids are asleep on a Saturday, in front of the fire, with a bottle of wine.

And see what you can find out that they might like to try, too.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 2: The Checklist

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Spice Up Your Sex Life to Increase Intimacy

November 3, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Caren felt every little breeze as Mike moved around her naked body. He had tied a silk scarf over her eyes, blindfolding her, then had stripped her clothes off, piece by piece, until she stood naked in the middle of their bedroom.

Mike had gently kissed her neck and shoulders as he removed each item, and now she felt his hand traveling over her body… over her shoulder… down her back… across her hip… until he let it rest, gently cupping and caressing one cheek of her behind. She felt him move closer into her, his clothed body hot against hers, and she felt a hint of whiskers on her cheek as he brought his mouth close to her ear. She could smell his cologne, and felt his hot breath in her hear as he whispered unimagined words to her about he was going to do to her next…

A satisfying sex life requires and provides intimacy and connection. It is also about keeping things fresh, and requires honesty, communication and trust.

So many couples struggle, especially when we’re so stretched, stressed and tired.

But people, especially women, are clearly interested in spicing things up to address something they’re not getting in their normal sex lives and relationships. Just look at the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey. Thanks to these books –and soon movie– there has been more awareness and interest by mainstream people in trying things they had never considered previously. And, at the same time, it’s becoming not just recognized but accepted that women have just as strong interest in sex as men, and that includes the spicy stuff.

So, why are people interested in the spicy stuff? Well…

Things turn us on besides straight, “vanilla” sex.
The idea of giving up –or taking!—control is sexy, especially when we are in different power positions the rest of the time.
It’s interesting! And fun! And it adds novelty and newness. It’s an adventure.
It just turns us on, even if we don’t understand it.
It allows us to scratch an itch with a partner we can trust, building intimacy.
It just feels good!

But nice people don’t do that!

Uh… yes they do. My wife and I do. I’d say we appear to be totally normal suburban parents who don’t stand out, and certainly don’t advertise what we do in the bedroom. But our sex life has always had a kinky flavor. We’ve never thought it was anything to be ashamed of. It’s just been fun, and a release, and has allowed us to get something out of playing roles we’re careful to avoid in our day-to-day marriage of equals.

The 50 Shades stuff is about giving up control and power, and allowing ourselves to let someone else be in charge… or taking charge of another person and fulfilling our own somewhat primal appetites. In this world of increasing (if not perfect) gender equality, playing unequal roles temporarily allows us to feed parts of our primitive brains that still want to take another person, or be taken and desired. Then we return to our normal power structures of equality and respect, de-stressed, happy and itches scratched.

So consider spicing things up. One of the purposes of this site is to share things to help you improve your relationship by connecting in the bedroom. If that sounds interesting, please check out our second series of posts on Bedroom Secrets: Spicing Things Up. Spice up sex life.

But for now, check out our next post in this Relationships series.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Why are we fighting?

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