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How Normal Couples Get into Kink: Our Story

November 8, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

She’ll deny it, but she was the one who was interested in exploring the spicy stuff

How do people get into kink? Here’s our story.

When we were dating fairly early on, we went into a nice, woman-owned adult store near where we lived in suburban DC.

We were poking around, and my gal had gotten a little ahead of me. She’d never minded going in the Adult section of the video store, either. I love my gal.

Anyway, I caught up to her where she had paused, and I take a look at the “Bondage 101” kit, containing velcro wrist and ankle cuffs –with matching o-rings and clips on each, a couple lengths of nylon strapping with more hooks, a blindfold, and a leather paddle. As if waiting for me to notice it, she says, “We can get that if you want.” In retrospect, I think I was set up. 😉 But into the cart it went!

So, we got home, and this was all blank slate to me. I kinda had the general idea I guess… we got the cuffs on her ankles and wrists, blindfolded her, tied her spread-eagled to the bed. It was okay, I used the vibrator on her. It’s so long ago I don’t know if I kept up quite the verbal narration of what I was thinking, seeing, doing and feeling as I do now. So we did that for a bit, and it was hard to have sex.

Meh.

But, we tried again a night or week later, I can’t remember. I’ve got her blindfolded, wrists cuffed to the headboard, I’m looking at her ankles and am about to tie them to the footboard… and something much better occurs to me. “Fuck that.” So, I grab each of her ankles, and tie first one to the headboard behind her, then the other, so her legs are wide open and spread apart, pussy gaping.

Seriously: It was like her brain exploded when I did that to her.

Having her tied up in a way that made her vulnerable and undeniably sexual gave her the freedom to embrace her sexuality

With her tied up like that, spread and helpless for whatever I wanted to do to her, totally exposed to my view… well, her excitement was palpable, and she was almost at the point of orgasming before I even got her second ankle fastened to the headboard.

I brought out the vibrator and touched it to her pussy, and she had this huge orgasm almost instantly. Like, the biggest I’d ever seen her have, and we’d had some good sex by that point.

I’ve thought about it, and I think that it really tapped into her deepest fantasies, to be displayed, fucked, used… helpless for whatever I wanted to do to her.

After she came I climbed right on top and entered her, and I wasn’t able to hold off myself off for long… she was cumming again so hard as I used her like that I couldn’t help but mirror her excitement and frantic arousal . Man! All these years later, it still makes me hot thinking about it.

So, that was the official start of our bondage play.

We tried switching, with her tying me up and doing the same stuff, and it was just kind of meh… she didn’t enjoy it, and I couldn’t see anything or do anything. I’m really a top, she’s a bottom… which means I like doing stuff to her, and she likes stuff being done to her.

She suggested we read some erotic books together

Then she said had read some blistering books about bondage that I might enjoy, and that I could read aloud to her.

So we did. They were Ann Rice’s Sleeping Beauty series.

In all honesty, the books aren’t great: the characters are under-developed, the stories pretty basic, and there’s not really much a plot. But Rice really does tap into very deep pools of female submissive fantasies. And the content is very graphic, and describes lots of fetish acts. Lots and lots of spanking, but also lots of dominance and submission and lots and lots of different kinds of sex acts… some of them very, very extreme. I can’t even start to remember everything.

But, reading those books aloud to her in bed definitely showed me what we wanted. And I don’t think we ever made it more than two or three chapters before she was over my lap and the book had been tossed aside, forgotten.

Discovering Spanking

Overtime, we did more roleplay, with me playing the dom: giving her orders to strip, touch herself, position herself, do whatever I told her. “Don’t look up unless ordered,” “don’t cum unless ordered,” “count each stroke.”

We did a lot of spanking play. She loved that.

She still talks about the time I called her to the bedroom, where I had placed a straight-back chair in the middle of the big empty space, and how she felt seeing it there, and me standing next to it, and telling her she had been a bad girl and I was going to give her a spanking. I then ordered her to strip, slowly, folding each item of clothing neatly and placing it in front of me on the floor, until she stood completely naked, me still clothed.

Next, I sat down on the chair, and told her to lay herself across my lap. I slowly started to spank her, making her count each stroke, and as I spanked and I played with her pussy between strokes.

<smile> She loved –and still loves– that stuff.

We don’t get the chance for that too much lately, but it’s completely cathartic for both of us, and immediately following every scene like that there is some really, really good sex.

We have an Ikea footstool that I picked up at one point. It’s a bit under two feet high, two feet long, and is padded with a round top. We’ve put that footstool to a lot of good use over the years… You can see a picture of it on my FetLife profile. If you look at it, you can imagine her on it in either direction.

We just redid our bedroom, and a lot of stuff went to make room for her decorating vision. But not once did she suggest that footstool be tossed. Actually, she wound up giving the bedroom a lilac color palate (I wasn’t thrilled, but it’s not as girly as I was afraid it would be)… and I haven’t pressed her on it, but I think because the footstool is being kept and is purple. I admit I could be wrong. But I also know that if I pressed her, she’d deny it. She likes to be coy sometimes.

And sometimes, I know she likes the thrill of just having it out in plain view, only her and me knowing the things we’ve done to he on it.

Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: How Normal People Get into Kink: More Stories

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Interest your Partner in the Exhilaration of Spicy Sex and Kink

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

You want to explore the kinky stuff because:

You’re feeling empty
You’re bored
You have these desires, these things you want to experience!
You’re not feeling close to your partner
You want to bring back the intimacy

But what about your partner? How do they feel about it?

I like to think that most people are open-minded and have some sense of adventure, and would like to try new things.

But some people are resistant, for predictable reasons. Maybe these things seem immoral or against their religion or values. Maybe they feel that these are not things that nice people do. Or that if their family or friends found out, they’d be judged harshly.

Maybe, there’s even some of the Madonna-Whore thing that some men have, including some men that I know, where some men can’t bring themselves to have raunchy sex with their bride and mother of their children, because they consider it dirty and they don’t want to soil their woman with their carnal desires

It’s a shame, because they are both denying themselves and their wives a more satisfying relationship. It’s at least partially religion- and family-based. And also, these same men are more prone to take on mistresses on the side, with whom they can have raunchy sex without it impacting their conscience. How that’s better is a pretty impressive piece of rationalization. But in my opinion (and some disagree) fidelity to your spouse is critical to your relationship, and having a secret mistress is not cool. Although, such marriages do tend to last, as divorce is also very frowned upon in such families. But anyway, if I were the wife and mother in such a relationship, I’d insist my husband not stray, and not deny me the sex life I deserve.

How about a spouse that’s just really straight… not interested in trying anything that isn’t missionary. That one can be tough, as again, morality and expectations get all wrapped up in there. I’d suggest in such a case you start slow, and introduce things very slowly, one at a time, getting your spouse used to things before introducing the next. I was chatting online with someone who had a very traditional girlfriend, and sex was dull… until one night, he reached up and put a hand on her throat as he entered her. This triggered something primal in her, and opened up the door to trying new things, with enthusiasm on her part. They never called it what it was, which was rough sex or even dominance and submission, but it worked for them.

If you’re a wife with unadventurous husband, you can introduce lingerie and candles and other tame things, until one night when he’s excited you pull out a little vibrator and ask him to use it on you… or perhaps lay yourself over his lap and say you’ve been naughty and he should spank you a bit before you’ve earned the main course. He may be shocked, but if he loves you and wants to please you, he’ll do it. Your job is to give him lots of positive reinforcement as he makes each tentative step… show him and tell him how excited you are and how pleasurable you find it… and your excitement should be contagious. And he’ll be thinking about it afterwards, and will want to do it again.

If your partner raises objections that he or she doesn’t feel right about it, then you may have to stand up for yourself, and say that you feel fine about it, and you have needs and desires, too… and that you never feel closer than when you share such things.

The flat out refusal

That’s hard. It happens. But seriously… not often. And you have to ask yourself, what have you got to lose? You have a right to feel fulfilled in your marriage and sex life, and we all need our needs filled. If your spouse can’t fill them, then who can? If you need to, talk to a counselor on this one topic to get over it.

Judging

The absolute worst-case scenario is that your spouse judges your requests and desires as immoral and wrong, and treats you as if you are doing something wrong. In most of the Western World, this isn’t so likely. But it could and does happen.

So what do you do?

Honestly, it depends on how much of a partnership your marriage really is.

If it is an old-world marriage, with the man in charge and no negotiation possible, then your options are limited. But, alternately, you may have married a person in a conservative culture who is like you, and is happy and relieved to be able to explore their desires with their life-mate.

And one thing about conservative cultures that works to our advantage is that what people do behind closed doors is their own business; people don’t want to know, but they also believe in independence and freedom of choice, even if they don’t agree with that choice.

The attitude is, “My house, my rules.” So, you need to figure out how to get your partner to adopt the rules you like.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: No Spicy Dice: My Partner is Not Interested in Kinky Sex

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Becoming a Kinky Couple Reignites Your Relationship and is a Blast!

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

What do people get out of spicy sex and exploring the kinky stuff together?

Well, everyone is different, and the spicy recipes that you make with your partner will suit both your individual tastes.

But the true benefit for couples is that this spicy stuff brings couples together and creates intimacy.

I’ve always seen it as just something fun and exciting that my wife and I do together, for ourselves and each other, because it’s a blast and so sexually exciting. It was only recently when I was talking with a friend online that I realized that technically, that means we have a kinky relationship, and we’re a kinky couple. Hmm. Okay. I guess that’s true! And I can live with it.

There’s more to it than power games!

It’s not just kink for kink’s sake. It is creating connection between two people through exploring things together that really, perhaps secretly, turn them on. The person may not be able to explain why it’s a turn on… but being able to trust, explore and experience the excitement of seemingly forbidden fantasies together… how couldn’t it bring two people closer together?

There are tons of fetishes and sexual interests out there to explore! Some seem bizarre: but really, most are understandable and explainable. Examples:

Spanking – My gal loves being spanked. Heck, it was her idea, although she doesn’t like to admit it. When we do it, for the duration of the “scene” we tie her submission into it, and my dominance. And it’s not really about “correcting” her, although some people enjoy that. It’s more about giving her my full attention, making her feel punished for her dirty thoughts… and punishing her because it turns me on and I want to do it.
Lingerie – the idea of giving yourself over to being a sexy being… so at odds with being a doctor, lawyer and mother!
Voyeurism and exhibitionism – it’s exciting to watch, secretly or otherwise. And it can be a thrill to be watched, to see someone interested in getting a glimpse of you!
Swinging – We don’t swing, and are happy being monogamous. But increasingly, people are seeing sex outside marriage as “just sex,” separate from the committed relationship. It’s a thrill to watch and be watched… this takes it further. It’s not something for my wife and me, but it’s understandable. Of course, the risks of getting hurt emotionally seems high to me.
Roleplay – Many of us have trouble letting loose and getting what we want. But if we play a role –Master, slave, boss, teacher, student, pizza delivery guy, vampire, werewolf, Anna Nicole Smith, whatever turns you on– we can forget who we are, and focus on what we want. And it’s fun, if you can let go!
And much more…

We’ll delve deeper into these and other things in other posts… it’s a fun topic!

But the bottom line is that people do have appetites that are getting satisfied with this stuff.

Maybe the desire being satisfied it’s for being desired. For control. For not being in control. For slaking a thirst for new experiences. For trying something that is forbidden, by rules of gender, morality, or society.

Often, our sexual desires tap into subconscious things: I’ve chatted online with a number of guys who totally got into a frenzy fantasizing about their wives having sex with other men. It makes them overwhelmed with lust and desire for their wives, both because another man is interested in the wife and finds her desirable, but so much so they push to get her… proving her value and sexual desirability. Some even encourage their wives to go through with it. (What the wives get out of it is a bit more easy to grasp.) It is agony and ecstasy for these guys, and while not something I personally want to experience from either end, these guys were able to help me understand what they found thrilling and satisfying about it. (It’s an interesting topic, you can learn lots more by googling hotwife or cuckolding.)

And to emphasize one again the one thing that’s not talked about enough is that kink leads to the fulfillment of being able to try out your own fantasies… and have a willing, even enthusiastic partner who helps you make them come true. Or to say it another way:

Kink is connection, and leads to greater intimacy.

Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: How Normal People Get into Kink: Our Story

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Why Do People Like the Spicy Sex Stuff?

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan 1 Comment

Everyone wants a fantastic sex life.

But… what is your definition of a terrific sex life?

For me, it’s really about connecting with my partner. Her excitement is what’s most exciting to me. And some of the best sex we’ve had has been plain “vanilla.” Nothing fancy, but where we fed off each other’s exhilaration. I think we all can relate: think of the excitement of the first time you had sex with your partner, with the anxiety, excitement and the thrill of it.

But newness fades. So to keep things fresh we try new things. Not just for the novelty, but to explore and excite our partners, and excite ourselves in return.

Of course, some folks don’t try new things. The result can be “bed death,” a phrase I find so perfectly descriptive. It’s when the sex gets so dull that neither partner sees the point anymore.

So, to stay enthusiastic, we try new things. Sometimes we try the Spicy Sex Stuff, which is more often known as “kink.” Kinky stuff is everywhere nowadays. Books. Movies. Magazines. TV shoes. And it’s a popular topic of conversation.

But you may not know anybody that actually does it. Or admits to doing it. Yet people clearly are doing it. After 50 Shades, became popular, hardware stores reported they were selling out of rope.

And people were into this stuff before 50 Shades came around. My wife and I got into this as a direct result of her interest from reading Ann Rice’s Sleeping Beauty series long before I even met her. (link to affiliate store)

So, we do kinky stuff in the bedroom.

It’s been an absolute blast.

How Spicy Sex is Exciting to us: Dominance and submission

But, despite us playing with kink in the bedroom, we have a modern marriage of equals. So what do we enjoy about this stuff? Well, being equals can be exhausting. Sometimes she gets tired of being the strong woman; she wants me to step up, be in charge, and lead. And for me, being careful to make every single decision together is exhausting for me, too. And frankly, it evaporates my manly independence –which I admit is important to me as a guy—and thus impacts my own feelings of masculinity and also how she perceives me.

I mean, crap, sometimes I just want to say, “Enough. We’ll do it my way. Decided.” <smile> Which is guaranteed to make her explode. So, often we’ll talk, and just do things her way, because I don’t really care, and I don’t want a fight. But sometimes I feel it would be nice to be able to be Papa Bear, and everyone jumps to my commands. But… the world don’t work like that no more, at least not in our house.

She’d never want to give up her power in the relationship. She wants me to be nurturing, be involved with running the house and making a nice home for us and our family, and be sensitive to her needs and emotions. Yet she craves to be overpowered by a strong man. Luckily for both of us, we’ve figured it out, and roleplay in the bedroom scratches that itch. And I’m the one that scratches it. Me. I’m the only one.

And my wife isn’t alone. A recent Huffington Post article by psychologist Randi Gunther, Ph.D. shares that she is seeing numerous couples where, Husbands are happy with more equality. Wives are still divorcing them. The sensitive male does not inspire sexual passion.

But, for us, in the bedroom we have play sessions where we live out these fantasies of her submission and my dominance… my overpowering masculinity, her enthusiastic submission. It’s a mental shift, totally unlike our day-to-day relationship, where she submits to my will.

Being the son of a single, strongly feminist mother, I had issues accepting the dominant role when I figured out that was what she needed, wanted and was asking for. But eventually I figured it out. And it has totally paid off.

For us, her occasional submission gives her permission to be naughty and my object… and to give herself over to her pleasure, as well as mine. She gives up control, and there’s a freedom in that, which she usually doesn’t have. She doesn’t have to think, she just does. And for me, it’s the same thing, just from the opposite direction.

We are fortunate that we’re comfortable going back to our normal roles of equals afterwards with no real trouble. And for some time –days, weeks, even months—we’re both much more happy and relaxed. It also cements in her brain that I am a man who has demonstrated I can –and do—act in bold, dominant male fashion. And it satisfies her need for masculinity.

How Kink is Exciting to us: Sensation Play

Some folks enjoy being spanked… and more.

For us, we really aren’t into anything painful, except that a sound spanking can be a lot of fun. For us it’s much more about the roleplaying aspect, but the nerves down in that area get all jumbled up, and there’s crossover that can lead to stronger orgasms for my gal.

There’s also the sensation and adrenaline, and how alive and focused it makes the person getting spanked feel… and it’s exciting to the person giving the spanking as well.

We’re pretty basic in what we do, but you’ve probably seen stuff on the Internet that makes you wince. Us, too. But some folks do enjoy that stuff. Intensely.

Spicy sex is what you like. Like the spices we add to the recipes you like, you cook up what you personally like.

Roleplaying versus Lifestyle

Meanwhile, others seek more “24/7” or “lifestyle” arrangements: a more permanent relationship structure where one person is dominant over the other. In some ways this is reminiscent of “traditional” marriages, but it’s different in that it often now includes a much more explicit sexual element, and either gender can be dominant.

Personally, I see all this this as another example of the normal distribution… the majority of people clump towards the average in anything, but there are always some who at either extremes, and that’s fine for them. Most of us are in the middle, though. We don’t need a full-time dominant-submissive relationship. Yet that is what much of the literature out there is targeted towards… which makes perfect sense, actually. Who’s most passionate about this stuff? The folks who live and breathe it, or who crave it. And that’s one of the things that makes this site different: we’re for the folks in the middle, looking to address marriage friction, communicate better, and improve intimacy through a better sex life.

And, on the other extreme, many people have no interest in kink. And that’s fine, too. It could also be that these folks are in more ‘traditional’ marriages, with more ‘old-style’ gender roles, and no need to play out power games since they live them already. Or they’re just not particularly sexual, or don’t have a need or desire to be dominant or submissive. Or folks have “traditional” values, the idea of explicit sex and things that come with kink may make them uncomfortable.

But, if you’re in a loving, monogamous marriage or relationship, and you are feeling the desire or disconnected from each other, this spicy sex stuff can provide huge benefits.

Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Becoming a Kinky Couple Reignites Your Relationship and is a Blast!

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Fallen out of Love

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

“I love you… but I’m not in love with you.”

Those words are usually spoken by wives to their husbands, and it means it’s the end.

The woman has fallen out of love. And she doesn’t find him sexually attractive anymore.

There could be any number of reasons. The usual ones are that the couple grew apart, found flaws in their relationship, their priorities changed, or just couldn’t get along. More extreme reasons are abuse, infidelity, financial irresponsibility, or maybe the person just met someone else.

But, let’s think about the last item. Let’s suppose that the guy is a great husband who believes in equality and supports his wife. He vacuums, cooks, takes care of the kids. He encourages his wife to have her own career and interests, listens to her, rubs her neck. He doesn’t push sex on her when she’s tired and stressed. She starts thinking of him not just her husband… but her best friend.

And then she meets the testosterone-laden alpha male who may not do any of those things… but lights her fires like they haven’t been aflame in years. She obsesses on this new man… and gives her nice, caring husband the heave-ho.

Why?

They aren’t rational.

Or, let’s take the flip side of the coin. A guy has a wife who is perfect in every way… but he starts sleeping with a coworker who he’s fallen in love –and lust– with. He throws away his marriage and everything he had.

Again, why?

Hormones again.

Our hormones are addictive. They control us, subconsciously. And they impact both sexes equally.

They drive us to do stupid things for shitty reasons.

But there is an answer

And the answer is that both partners need to be honest with themselves and each other about what they want. And often, this means non-politically correct sex.

In the case of my wife and me, we have found that occasional roleplay in the bedroom resets the stresses of relationship of equals, recharges us, and gives us a cathartic outlet that brings balance to our relationship.

We don’t do it all the time, and we need our regular sexual connection as well. But me taking the dominant role, acting the alpha and giving her orders I expect obeyed lets my wife see me in a more masculine way that she secretly hungers for. And to trigger her enjoyment she has to make the mental shift to surrender and give up control… which is a hard thing for her to do, but ultimately is liberating and cathartic for her.

It’s been the answer for us, and increasingly, science is proving this out.

So, for those wives and husbands who have lost interest in their partner, who have fallen out of love or are risk of doing so, I firmly believe an occasional session of such roleplay does wonders, and can heal some of what is potentially fatally stressing the relationship.

And with that, we end this series of posts.

The next series of posts is called Spicing Things Up: Ignite your Passion! The first post explains what folks enjoy about spicy sex and things that aren’t politically correct but which are bringing back the spark in marriages and relationships.

Read the first post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Why Do People Like the Spicy Sex Stuff?

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When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 2: Health and Hormone Issues

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Often, the person who won’t have sex doesn’t see it as a big deal.

But it is for the other person.

Both partners need to realize this. And need to work together to solve the issue.

Reading the comments on a Psychology Today article about whether sexless marriages justify infidelity, it seems that the person who doesn’t want to have sex often doesn’t understand their partner’s distress and unhappiness.

I read some comments on an article about sexless marriages where a woman said she was just done, and her husband needed to deal with it, and she didn’t see it as a bit issue.

But it clearly is an issue when a spouse won’t have sex. And some people have an unwillingness to admit there’s a problem, especially with them.

Sometimes, it’s simple self-centeredness.

But other times, it’s hormones.

We are share many traits with other species, particularly in the limbic system of our brain. In humans, a rational brain evolved over millions of year, but it is on top of the primal, pre-rational brain that existed for hundreds of million years before in one form or another. The primitive parts of our brain are still there, and are primarily responsible for our emotions and many of our behaviors. And sometimes what our emotions want and what our rational brain knows is good for us are two different things.

And if we have a hormonal imbalance, our sex drive can drop or disappear. Science has shown that women’s libido is directly correlated with estrogen and testosterone.

So, it’s not a stretch to say that when these levels drop, due to menopause or something else, women’s libidos tank.

These hormones are also especially sensitive to stress. When women are stressed, they produce more of the stress hormone cortisol as well as adrenaline, which has been shown in studies to depress libido.

So. One of the first things to address, beyond chronic health issues, are issues related to menopause and stress. There are things that a person can do about these, either with a physician –particularly a holistic or alternative medicine doctor– or mental health professional.

But, let’s say something that isn’t said often: the person who is suffering from these issues often do not feel they have an issue, and have no desire to have them addressed. Even if their spouse is suffering, and their marriage is suffering, mentally they feel that the other person is over-reacting and should just let it go. Sex, they feel, should not be the basis of a marriage, as a marriage is more than just sex.

One one hand, yes, that’s true.

On the other hand, sex is part of marriage. Part of the implied contract is that both spouses will remain faithful. But, this also presupposes that the couple is having sex, and adequate sex. When one person can’t or won’t have sex, that marriage contract is being broken, although perhaps unintentionally.

If your partner won’t agree that lack of sex is an issue, then you need to get marriage counseling to help you work through the issue.

Marriage Counseling

My wife and I have had our issues.

Everyone does.

We’ve been fortunate, though, that they haven’t been serious issues compared to others. No alcohol or substance addictions. No abuse, physical or otherwise. No infidelity or affairs. No growing apart or significant issues with anger or resentment.

But, we have had our issues. Often they’re around expectations, lack of communication, or things we never talked about around how we want to live our lives.

By far, the biggest issue for me was been when our sex life withered on the vine.

We were having an increasing number of disagreements and fights. We didn’t feel as close. We didn’t spend quality time together. And it worked out time after time that she won’t have sex.

And although rationally I knew it wasn’t her fault, seething below the surface I was angry that I wasn’t getting sex. That she wasn’t making herself available to me. That she didn’t want me. That she didn’t care about me. That she rejected me when I did ask. That, my subconscious insisted, she didn’t really love me.

And on top of that, she was irritable, anxious, depressed and defensive as a result of her condition. Our fights were the worst of our marriage… and often, I had no idea where they came from or even what they were really about. And she’s always had the ability to go on the offense when she felt defensive. Our fights never went well for me.

During one of our fights, I can’t even remember about what, I said that maybe we needed marriage counseling.

Oddly, that cooled her off. Although I did frame it as it being to help me understand all the things I was doing wrong so I could be a better husband.

But to her mind, it showed that I did want to be married to her, and I did want to work things out.

And somehow, that right there triggered me to really immerse myself in her health issues, as I realized that I really needed to get those solved first, before there was any point in addressing other relationship issues.

Plus, frankly, I had read enough to suspect that if I could get her health issues addressed, her libido should return. And that should go a long way towards fixing the tension between us.

And it has.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Fallen out of Love

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When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 1: The No Sex Marriage

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

When you got married, or when you started your relationship, you probably didn’t talk much about how much sex to have. You were probably too busy having sex, and just made the assumption that things would be fine.

But then, years passed. In our case, about fifteen. We had kids. We got hit with aging parents who needed our attention. And then all the crap involved in raising kids really took off with sports and extracurricular activities.

Plus, we’re in our forties now, not our twenties.

Our sex life fell off.

It fell off gradually, but measurably, with each kid, and with each life event. Until it got to the point where we were sometimes going a month or more without having sex.

Once a month may seem better than nothing, but as I looked into it online, I found we fit the definition of a no sex marriage, or sexless marriage.

Talking with other people online, this is pretty common. And understandable. But it sucks for lots of reasons.

Complicating Issues: Health

We also had another issue that we really needed to solve before anything else: her increasing health issues. These issues caused her to be constantly exhausted, unable to lose weight pounds no matter how carefully she ate and exercised, unable to sleep, constipated and irritable and in a bad mental frame of mind most of the time. She really was a trooper and did her best, but by the time we got alone time at night or on the weekends, she was just too wiped for much. And, to add insult to injury, her condition also took out her libido.

It really, really sucked.

It wasn’t her fault, and I kept that in mind. But it finally got to the point where it was impacting our marriage such that I had to get involved since her doctors weren’t able to help her. With research, I found there were alternative treatments to which the medical establishment was hostile… and which had a long track record of success, and didn’t require expensive pharmaceutical drugs. I took the time to really research and learn everything I could, then approached my wife and our PCP with the facts and evidence, and she agreed to try the new treatment plan, thankfully. In less than a month, I had my old wife back.

So, the moral of that sub-story is to take things into your own hands if you need to. And before you can solve any other issues, you have to solve any underlying health issues first.

No sex when there aren’t health issues

In other posts I’ve said what I truly believe: a healthy sex life is absolutely critical for a healthy relationship.

Sex is the most intimate thing that two people can do together. You open yourself up, trust the other person, and please the other person. If all goes well, you both can admit the things you like and do them for each other, without judgment, because it makes the other person happy.

Guys need sex

Yes, women need sex, too. And some guys don’t need sex. But most of us do, and we feel the lack more than women seem to when we don’t get it.

Bus I have also noticed something else that I don’t think women often don’t understand.

Beyond the fact that guys want and need sex to feel loved, there is also a rush of endorphins or other brain chemicals from the limbic system when certain thresholds are crossed. It may be equivalent to the rush women feel when a man says, “I love you” or opens up his soul.

For me, I have felt rushes of overwhelming love for my wife the first time we have tried new sexual things, or when she admitted she wanted to try some forbidden sexual thing, or would be willing to do some other sexual thing with me.

It is a material demonstration of her love for me and trust for me. Those are pinnacle moments of my life that I’ll always remember, when I feel completely loved and fulfilled. And it doesn’t just need to be some new act of sexual adventure; it can be something that we’ve done before, that she asks me for, but clearly wants.

I think there’s something deep and primal in our souls that hungers this moment, where there is no doubt that we as men are wanted, desired, and trusted with the secrets of our woman’s soul, proof that our women want to have sex with us in a primal way, all walls down.

And the bath of brain chemicals that surges through my body is amazing in those moments, and washes away all previous cares and previous frictions. It energizes and fulfills me deeply. I’m connected. Actualized. Fulfilled. And I never feel closer to my woman than in those moments.

I don’t need that kind of sex all the time. Maybe not even often. But I need it. And when I don’t ever get that kind of sex, it’s an issue.

And the same thing is true for women.

And if you’re in a no sex marriage, you’re not getting it.

When the frequency and quality of the sex decreases, that’s another issue.

I don’t want sex every day. Given our current crazy schedules, I don’t even want it every other day. But twice a week would be good. I’ll settle for once a week.

When it gets less than once a week… it’s an issue. Maybe it’s not my wife’s fault, but I’m not getting satisfaction.

Then, if the quality of what sex we do have drops to the bare minimum… the issue goes from big to huge. No one enjoys having sex with someone who doesn’t want to be there.

When sex stops… marriages end. Whether it’s the male or female partner who doesn’t want to have sex, the other partner feels rejected and lost. And their needs are unfulfilled. Maybe some folks hang in there, for various reasons. But it’s no longer a marriage if there’s no sex.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 2: Health and Hormone Issues

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Discussing your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 3: Other Ideas for Discussing the Sensitive Sex Topic of Spicy Sex

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Discussing anything about Sex at All can be a Sensitive Sex Topic

Are you someone who simply cannot talk to your partner about sex?

Or, vice versa, is it too uncomfortable your partner?

Some people find it hard to believe that anyone has issues just talking about sex.

Others can’t believe that people talk about such personal things without shame.

And some of these people are even married to each other! So, find your comfort level.

Let’s say you’ve read a romance novel that gave you the idea that you might like to be spanked. Unfortunately, you’re married to a man who you are sure would find the entire idea horrifying. Perhaps he would consider it abuse and an unconscionable display of patriarchal gender roles. Or, perhaps he might see it as something that’s just too “dirty” to even consider. But if you don’t talk about this sensitive sex topic, you’ll never get your needs met.

So, if you have trouble talking about your sex life, you have some thinking to do.

You’re not going to die if he doesn’t put you over his knee some time and sensually spanks your butt until it’s pink and you’re steaming with desire. But you sure would like it if he would! How can you get him to fulfill your fantasy and see to your needs, without going against his sincere beliefs and comfort levels?

As with all this stuff, try to keep it light and playful. Which is hard sometimes, given your pounding heart as you try to get out the words. Perhaps you can just say, “Pretend to spank me,” and when he sees how much you like it, it’ll open the door to more and better.

What are the sexual issues you need to talk about?

Or maybe you’ve been feeling that Saturday Night missionary is just… dull. You’re feeling sexually unfulfilled, disconnected from your partner, and are wondering why he’s not seeing to your needs. You’ll have to cater your suggestion to your partner, but you have to ask or show him what you want, if you have any hope of getting it.

Conversely, you may be a man married to a woman who over time has come to just see sex as another one of her duties, not to be enjoyed, and is non-orgasmic. Maybe you just want her to be enthusiastic, an active participant, to enjoy having sex. If something like that applies to you, then it’s time for the tough talk. Explain how you see sex as vital to feeling fulfilled in your marriage, and if your partner understands and wants to make you happy. If so, you can open up the talk to some of the things you might want to try… and you can try to get things out of her.

And, if she continues to refuse to consider improving your sex life together, then you’ll have to insist on her seeing a doctor to rule out physical issues, a therapist if there are no physical issues, or a marriage counselor to help you work through your issues together. Or perhaps you should see a marriage counselor first, if that feels right. But you only go through life once, you should be making the most of it, and you shouldn’t be denied the sexual aspect of your existence.

And ladies, exactly the same thing applies if it is your man who is having issues of lack of sexual desire.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 1: The No Sex Marriage

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Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 2: The Spicy Sex Checklist

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan 1 Comment

Let’s say that your partner has agreed to up their game and try new things. And you might have an idea of things that you want to do right away.

However, those things may be way too much for your spouse first thing. Likewise, there might be some things your spouse might be open to, that you’re not ready for.

What to do?

Thanks to the Internet, the answer is simple, and accessible.

Sit down one night, and go through a sexual checklist.

There are lots of them out there. Below, I’ve provided links to three. The first is a lot less likely to freak your spouse out if they’re a bit sheltered. The second checklist gets into more adventurous stuff. And the last checklist is a complete and detailed lists of activities you may never have heard of. You might have to Google some of the terms. I did.

But the idea is to go through the list together, and to see which items you each might want to try… and even better, find a few that you’re both enthusiastic about trying. That is a great place to start.

Basic Spicy Sex Checklist

Intermediate Spicy Sex Checklist

Whoa! Crazy Kinky Spicy Sex Checklist

You can look through these, and copy and paste just the sections you want to review with your partner. And you can even tell them there’s more for another time.

And of course, there are plenty of books out there on all kinds of sexual topics, and you can order them online so you don’t have to be embarrassed at the bookstore checkout line. The disadvantage is that shoving a book at your partner with a request that they read it has a low probability of them actually reading. In my opinion, you’re better off with a finite task you do together.

Plus… if you do it right, it should be fun! It will certainly be educational. I will always remember going through a similar list with my wife a decade or so back. I think my jaw dropped. “You want to do that?? Uh… okay!!! I’ll do it!”

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 3: Other Ideas for Discussing The Sensitive Topic of Spicy Sex

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Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 1

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Know what you’re asking for

So… you have an idea of how you want to spice things up in the bedroom. Maybe you…

Read 50 Shades, and got turned on by the focus, assertiveness and masculinity of Mr. Gray…
Saw an article in Cosmo that gave you the idea to try something you’d never have considered before…
Heard of the guys at the bar mention that his new girlfriend is crazy for anal…
Saw a commercial on TV for a hotel with a heart-shaped tub…
Want to visit a Gentleman’s Club in Vegas…
Want to experiment with toys, bondage, or spanking?

And now… you’re terrified to bring the subject up with your spouse.

But getting the sex you want requires discussing your desires with your partner. Even if it’s hard.

If you don’t ask, the answer is always “No.”

On the plus side, at least you know what turns you on.

So, if you want it, you have to ask for it. Your spouse can’t read your mind.

But… maybe you’re afraid of being rejected?

Well, if you don’t ask, you’ll always be rejected. And remember, timing is everything.

Or, it may be a case that you’re just embarrassed, or afraid of being judged.

But gals, trust me, in most cases men will be delighted to try anything sexual you’d like to explore. Heck, we’ll be incredibly grateful you told us, and trusted us… and will feel closer to you for your just asking!

And the same might go for guys talking to their partners, as well.

If afraid your straight-and-narrow partner might reject you, then think of how to introduce the idea to them in a non-threatening way.

Sometimes, just the right tone of voice goes a long way.

Saying lightly, “Ya know, I’ve always kinda wanted to try that. Ha ha! Isn’t that crazy? But it turns me on.” You didn’t ask or push her for whatever it might be, and at worst, they might say no way, Jose. But there’s a chance they might say yes.

If she says no, it raises the opportunity to ask, again in a non-threatening way, “Really? Why wouldn’t you do that?” She might raise legitimate concerns and objections… and chances are, they’re more about her and how she’s afraid you might view her if she did that thing, than anything having to do with you. But it gives you the chance to start the discussion, and maybe you can convince her to give it a try some time.

And, again, if you don’t ask, then the answer is always, “No.”

So, talking is always the first thing to do. But timing is everything. Perhaps after the kids are asleep on a Saturday, in front of the fire, with a bottle of wine.

And see what you can find out that they might like to try, too.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 2: The Checklist

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Reignite the Spark in your Marriage with New Bedroom Adventures

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Bedroom Adventures

Everybody and their mother is saying you have to spice stuff up in the bedroom nowadays. (“Ewww… Mom, stop!”)

But just because everyone is saying something, it doesn’t mean you should do it. There’s the wisdom of the crowd, and then there’s the herd.

But to me, the question one should always ask is, “Why.” Why should you spice up your sex life?

Well, given the stresses that we’re all under, and how those of us in long-term relationships find that over time the newness fades, leading to us feeling disconnected from our partners, unsatisfied, and like you just want “more” than we’re getting, a little sexual adventurousness could be just the ticket.

Partners are expected to be a hell of a lot nowadays…

In your marriage, you need your partner to not just be a good husband or wife, but also to:

Be a good parent
Be a friend
Be a provider or co-provider
Give you emotional support
Hold you accountable
Keep up the house
Support your goals
Support your personal growth
Fulfill your sexual needs
And so many other things…

When you have to be all these things to each other, it is easy to lose the connection between the two of you. In the rush of things, time for each other, and time for enjoyable, connecting sex falls off the list.

But if you aren’t feeling connected to your partner, or feeling emotionally or sexually unfulfilled, then improving your sex life can go a long way to improving your overall relationship.

Both men and women need sex. But men seem to feel more of a sense of loss and resentment when they don’t have sex, or the sex isn’t frequent or good enough.

But I believe incredibly strongly that sex is a fundamental part of any healthy marriage. It relieves stress, has meditative and cathartic benefits, and brings a couple closer together, wiping out irritants and hurt feelings… or at least puts you in a state of mind where you can talk about things and even let them go.

There’s no lack of things to try: in popular culture there’s an onslaught on everything from about 50 Shades, cougars, high-end dildos and vibrators, swing parties, Viagra, couples porn, sex furniture, cuckolding, and Cosmo giving tips on anal sex. And that’s just on your first page of search results for Tuna Casserole recipes!

Personally, I’m all for whatever drives your zamboni. Within reason of course: nothing that hurts another person, is non-consensual, or causes mental or emotional trauma to others. But, if you get off on draping yourself in velvet, go for it. (Extra points for those who get the pop culture reference!)

But let’s be realistic: just throwing sexual stuff at a relationship is not going to make it better if you have significant issues.

But if it’s “just” a matter of needing to get out of a rut, reconnect sexually and emotionally, and reigniting your passion for your partner, it’s a great thing to do.

There are two terrific reasons to spice up your sex life. The first is to feel closer. The other is to keep things fresh and new and exciting, which is really important to feeling connected. These are related items. But not the same.

So, are you feeling unfulfilled in your relationship or sex life?

Spice things up! How? Check out the next series, Spicing Things Up.

Embarrassed or afraid to bring up the subject with your partner? See my next post.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 1

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Marriage, Part 6: Reconnecting Sexually in a Marriage of Equals

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

There are things that make us attractive to each other. Even if your marriage has never been one of sweaty bunched-up bedsheets every night, it is the sexual desire and connection that makes a marriage a marriage.

Oh, sure, you can love each other, but if you’re not having any kind of sexual relationship, or at least not a satisfying one, then you’re just roommates. Maybe great roommates, with a marriage contract and a shared purpose, but we are built to form pairs based on sex and reproduction. What keeps us together is that sexual energy and connection. It’s the payoff for dirty diapers and long hours at work.

And if you’ve lost that connection then you have problems that need to be fixed.

Reconnecting Sexually

Assuming that your partner hasn’t grown a tail or changed in some way that makes them physically unattractive to you, and that there are no health issues contributing, then what other reasons could there be for your lack of sexual desire for your spouse, or your spouse in you?

We have already talked about anger and conflict. If you do not have that issue, or are working on it, and there is still a lack of interest, what else could it be?

Today, for most, marriage is a partnership of equals, and that’s probably your default mode. That’s the marriage I have. I wouldn’t trade it, especially given that I was raised by a feminist mother, and consider myself a feminist, too.

But, understand that below our rational, egalitarian goals, there are primitive sexual roles and desires that want and need to be fed.

Women respond to masculinity. This is not sexist to say: it’s biological. In the bedroom, women want men to be men. Because in our evolutionary past, it is the masculine features that kept women safe and provided a good and safe home for her and her children. Even today, women still respond to men in jobs that are still considered masculine: police, firefighters, soldiers, cowboys. They may not appreciate sexism, but they know these are men who can protect them if they need them to.

Women also respond to men who are physically in good shape. Ask yourself, who’s more attractive: a guy who spends all day at a desk eating junk food, or the guy who takes care of himself? You can be a programmer or have any other kind of nerdy job that pays well, but still take care of yourself.

And women are attracted to men who have confidence, who are competent and who are assertive. Not blowhards or dictators, but men who are leaders by the content of their character and because they can get the job done. If they demonstrate these traits, and if what they want is the woman in question… it’s a turn on to that woman.

In this era of equality, where men seek consensus and agreement in decisions, or even just generally defer to their woman’s preferences, this saps some of the desire from women, seeing their men as equals, not as leaders. It ain’t fair. But it’s true.

And there was a story in the New York Times recently, about how men doing domestic chores around the house can make them seem less manly… and thus, less sexually desirable to their wives. For example, a woman gets upset that the man didn’t vacuum exactly the way that the woman likes. The combination of him doing “feminine” chores with her being more “in charge” and directing him to do things, and then “correcting” him in a way that makes her dominant torpedoes a woman’s libido for her man, especially when repeated over and over in lots of different little ways.

So, men: maintain your manliness. Don’t let yourselves slide, and don’t allow yourselves to get totally domesticated.

And women: you know that your men want sex. Know that if you push us into roles that cause us to be seen as less manly in the name of equality, there can be an effect on your marriage, intimacy and sex life.

My advice? If you can afford it, get a housekeeper. Men, sacrifice something to pay for it you need to. Don’t be seen as doing feminine jobs. Just do the things that are perceived as manly by your woman.

Women, leave the manly things around your house to your guy, and either do the feminine ones yourself, or get help. Also recognize that guys often aren’t nearly as particular about their homes being just-so, and demanding he meet your standards can have a negative impact. Don’t order or nag. Nothing is less sexy or more emasculating. If you have something you want us to do, ask for it clearly and explain why you want it. If you detect hesitancy, ask if it’s not okay. Then we can discuss it. And if we want to discuss it, don’t get angry. If we have a marriage of equals, then you need to treat us as equals, not the help or as children who aren’t doing simple things the way you expect.

In the bedroom

Guys, if nowhere else, this is the place to be manly. Take charge, and take control. If your feminist girl objects, tell her firmly that you’d like to try an experiment. First, in your nice, we’re equal voice, look her in the eye and say to her, “Honey, I’d like to have sex.” Then, in your deep, masculine voice, look her in the eye, say, “I want you. Now. Get your clothes off.” Then stop. And ask her which one she preferred. She may be surprised when she admits that the second choice was much hotter to her. This should open the door to your being more assertive and demanding in bed, and you should see both her desire increase, as well as your intimacy. And your happiness.

Gals, if you’re reading the above, think about it. Which would you prefer? Which makes your temperature rise? If it’s the first answer, I’d like to know. For some women, maybe it probably is the first option. And that’s fine. But for most, it is first option.

And this is not an attack on feminism. I am totally for gender equality. But if there are side-effects that are killing desire in the bedroom and keeping me from getting sex that I need –and threatens the viability of our long-term relationship– then that’s an issue that needs to be addressed.

But let’s just say it again: a healthy relationship includes a healthy sex life. And by healthy, I mean one that is of a frequency and intensity that creates connection and intimacy between two people. It makes everything else better, eliminates stress, and makes people feel more connected and able to communicate better about other frictions.

Other nourishing things

Spend time apart – absence really does make the heart grow fonder. And libidos rise.
Women, be feminine in response to our manliness. It’s not a bad thing.
Try new things, both in your relationship, lives and in the bedroom.
Go on dates.
Laugh together.
Don’t get in ruts.
TALK.
Read erotic stories together. (Get your free erotic story in my library!)
Surprise each other!

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Reignite the Spark in your Marriage with New Bedroom Adventures

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Marriage, Part 5: I’m Just Not Feeling the Spark Anymore. I’m feeling Unfulfilled.

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan 2 Comments

No Spark in Marriage

Maybe you don’t have big issues, but are just feeling unsatisfied in your marriage and sex life.

How do you reignite the spark that has died?

This may be surprising, but it’s not flowers, love notes, a surprise date, or a massage.

Some of it is just connecting again.

If you feel like you’re just roommates, cohabitating but who have nothing in common, then you both need to remember what it was that attracted you to each other in the first place. Then, think of how to recapture that spirit. If it was sports, go someplace and play or watch what you enjoyed. If it was music, go to a show. If it was art, or poetry, or a shared passion, get out of your rut and make the effort to reconnect through what brought you together in the first place.

Then, clear out distractions, and talk, like you’re on a first date. Ask questions. Be interested in each other. Ask your partner to tell you something you didn’t know, about them or what you’re doing.

Often, much of our attraction to each other is based on newness, novelty, and surprise. Find ways to do things together that inspire these things. Build new connections and experiences together.

If you keep doing the same thing you’ve always done… you’ll keep getting the result you’ve always gotten.

Get out of your rut. Go on dates. Do new things. Have an adventure.

Everyone gets bored doing the same thing, in the same four walls, predictably and invariably. So, mix it up. Go for a walk. Find a concert. Go window shopping. Book a cruise. Keep things new for both of you!

Spicing things up

It is amazing to me that even with all the sexual imagery we’re all bombarded with, how many people seem to have disappointing sex lives. Sex that is either infrequent or where missionary on Saturday night is about as good as it gets.

Some folks are hung up about admitting their desires or curiosity about various things. Others have moral or religious reservations about doing things that seem “dirty.” Or, they are afraid of how their spouse may respond.

My opinion is that what happens in your own bedroom is no one’s business but your own. If you want to order something sexy out of a Victoria’s Secret catalog… or Frederick’s of Hollywood, do it. And if you want to get something that buzzes, vibrates or plugs in, for heaven’s sake, do it already. Your partner will more than likely be thrilled. And if they’re not, then it’s a great conversation opener about why not… and how you’re not getting experiences you’d like to have.

And that goes for other things you might like to try, watch or participate in as well.

My next series of posts gives a ton more details about how to spice things up… and what people like and find sexy about those things.

But what about when it’s not about trying something new… but just a lack of desire, period?

In my next post, I talk about reconnecting sexually.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Marriage, Part 6: Reconnecting Sexually in a Marriage of Equals

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Marriage, Part 4: Fix Relationship Anger with Communication and Compromise

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

I once worked with a highly-competent woman of impressive accomplishments and bearing. She was a former military officer and graduate of one of the US Military Academies. She had, in many ways, been dealt a good hand in life. She had a job she felt was important, was well compensated, and spent her weeks traveling to see clients and consulting with Fortune 500 Executives.

As her 10^th Anniversary approached, she asked her husband what he wanted.

“A divorce,” he responded.

She was shocked, and devastated. But that was a stellar example of where unresolved conflict, seething anger and a total lack of communication –as well as an understanding that anything was even wrong—led to a divorce.

Relationship fixes

If we are married, we can’t let things get to that point.

We are partners. We need to have discussions about what our priorities are, and also how to communicate and talk. Anger can’t be bottled up and ignored. We need to look to our own happiness, and that of our partner’s, and we need to talk about it and work together to make sure we each are getting what we need.

We need to nourish each other. Because, if we’re in a long-term monogamous relationship, we have no one else who can nourish us in some many ways.

We need to clearly understand what’s a must-have, and a nice-to-have, both for ourselves and for our partner. And we need to make sure we each get what we need to be happy, as best we can.

Marriage is not just about compromise. Sometimes, it’s about giving, selflessly.

I have a couple college buddies who are my closest friends. When we get together, it’s joyful, fun, good for my soul. My wife wants me to see them, but she absolutely cannot stand any of their wives, for various reasons.

So, once or twice a year, I see one or more of them for a boy’s weekend, sometimes with our sons. I get what I need, and my wife avoids a weekend of misery. We’re all winners. And when I get home, I treat her like a queen, grateful to her for giving me something I value so much.

My wife feels she’s giving selflessly, letting me go away a couple times a year. Me, I feel more like we reached a compromise, where we’re both winners. Whatever the case, it’s worked out well.

And when she’s insistent that she wants a new couch, or volunteers me to work at the school carnival, I make every effort to give her what she wants.

My personal philosophy is that if your spouse really wants something, let them have it, within reason, and as long as things are roughly (but not obsessively) equitable. We’re partners, and I want to make her happy.

In a good relationship, we should both want the other person to be happy. If my wife really wants me to take out the trash every night, or get the kids fed and out the door in the mornings, or listen to her intently as she talks about her day, I will do my best in each case. (Although I admit I totally blow at the last item.) I could put a altruistic spin on it, and say that her happiness is important to me, and it is… but I’ll also admit that selfishly, her unhappiness directly impacts me as well.

But –and this is a critical point– I have to be careful. If I do everything she wants all the time, and subordinate my wants and needs to hers all the time, then our marriage is no longer equal: it’s the opposite, with her dominant. And there are significant negatives to that we’ll discuss in the next post.

Also, doing whatever she wants can become expected… and thus no longer appreciated. So, I have to be firm and say no sometimes, which can lead to a fight. While it’s important to me to make her happy, I also need to remember that she needs to be fair and reasonable. And that certainly goes both ways.

The barometer of a healthy marriage: Sex

When you’re angry with your partner, do you want to have sex? Probably not. You’re too hurt, or you deliberately shun your partner to punish them. You don’t feel sexy, or in the mood, or you look at your partner, and just see the person that wronged you. Feeling negative towards your partner, perhaps you notice other things about them that you don’t like as well.

So, how’s your sex life? Are you having much sex? Or are anger and other issues getting in the way?

Sex increases your intimacy, brings you closer to each other, or that makes each of you feel loved. It’s sex where you’re doing things to each other, and for yourself, rather than for each other. Maybe it will clear the emotions and afterwards you can talk openly, and if so, well, maybe that’s okay.

If you’re so upset with each other that you can’t have sex, you need to talk. Defuse some of the anger. And I would suggest that as soon as you can, you get together sexually. There is no more intimate act than sex.

Sex is a critical part of marriage and relationships, and makes both people feel loved and accepted.

As such, it’s a vital part of nourishing a relationship.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Marriage, Part 5: I’m Just Not Feeling the Spark Anymore. I’m feeling Unfulfilled.

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Marriage, Part 3: Anger, Conflict and Communication

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Are you angry?

Or is your partner angry with you?

If so, then you have to address that before you can work on any other part of your relationship.

Marriage Anger

If it has gotten to the point where one or both of you are always angry, then you’ve got serious issues. Are you committed to working them out? If so, consider a marriage counselor. If you’re not willing to see a marriage counselor, are you willing to work on your issues? And is your spouse? Honestly, can you actually sit down and work things out? If not, then your relationship may be done.

What if you’ve got occasional things that lead to anger? In such cases, then there is an emotional trigger being tripped. Can you talk about it?

Why are we getting into this?

Because it’s hard to feel and be intimate with another person when we’re angry.

When we’re angry, we feel wronged. Misunderstood. Uncared for. Betrayed.

How can you feel close to a person who treats you that way?

You have to work those things out before anything else.

And these conversations are hard, often with a lot of related and unrelated things feeding into them.

A typical example of relationship conflict, anger and communication problems

Jane has to stay late at work to get a presentation done for the Board the next day. Joe left work on time, and was able to get the kids from after care, get them fed, homework done, and clean up the kitchen and get some laundry put away, then gets the kids bathed and in bed. He was supposed to go over to a friend’s house to watch a big playoff game, but can’t since Jane’s still at work. Some time after ten he finally grabs a beer and plops down to watch the second half of the game. Jane doesn’t get home until nearly eleven o’clock, and when she does, she’s tired, irritable and hungry. Joe is upstairs and has left a few lights on for her.

She notices the kids shoes piled up by the door, and that the counter hasn’t been wiped, and there’s nothing on the stove for her.

Joe had figured she’d have eaten, so had cleaned up the leftovers.

She grabs something out of the fridge, and stomps up the stairs, noticing dirty socks on the landing and a Nerf gun on the fourth step from the top. When she enters the bedroom, she sees Joe, in his underwear, feet up, drinking a beer.

A half-filled laundry basket is sitting by her bureau, filled with her laundry waiting for her to put away.

Joe looks up as she enters. “Hey! Welcome home!”

She draws a deep breath… and lets him have it.

Her Point of View

She is exhausted, has worked fourteen hours, and left a clean house. When she gets home, he doesn’t even have the courtesy to come meet her, or to leave her something to eat. He left a huge mess, and just expects her to put her laundry away when she’d have preferred if he had left it where she didn’t have to look at it. And after her day, he’s sitting there on his ass, drinking a beer??!

His Point of View

He busted his ass tonight. He had other plans that he had to cancel, but he didn’t complain, not one word. He got the kids totally squared away, and even did some extra stuff, putting away all the laundry except her stuff, which he could never figure out where it went anyway. He’s feeling pretty good and virtuous, if disappointed, and when Jane walks in the room, he greets her cheerfully… only to get blasted. Now his feelings are hurt and he feels betrayed, when he feels he not just stepped up but went above and beyond.

What Happened?

Different points of view, different expectations, and then load on that stress and exhaustion.

Joe didn’t think about what Jane might be feeling when she came home… nor that she might be hungry or want him to meet her. But neither did Jane ask for those things.

Jane didn’t think about what Joe might be feeling… how, from his point of view, he had been a good husband. She only looked at the negatives, and in her exhaustion didn’t –and probably couldn’t—take the step back she needed to to realize how Joe might feel.

The Result

Joe has a couple options here. He can counter Jane’s emotional assertions with his own heated responses. Or, he can disengage and stew silently. Or, he can listen to Jane, hear her, and try to respond in a way that acknowledges her feelings without escalating. This takes some emotional maturity –inside, he may be screaming that he’s been wronged—but it’s the best course. And then, later, he can explain his point of view, after she knows he cares enough to listen to her and her feelings. Ultimately, Jane wants to be heard.

Jane needs to then listen to Joe after he has listened to her, and let her own stress and anger go.

If, instead, Joe and Jane fight, with neither listening to the other, managing emotions and seeing the point of view of the other, the likely result is anger, stony silences, hurt feelings, and more fights. Let it go long enough, and it can actually kill the relationship entirely.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Marriage, Part 4: Fix Relationship Anger with Communication and Compromise

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Marriage, Part 2: What is a Happy Marriage?

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Maybe when you read Part 1 on Marriage, you thought, “Yeah, yeah. People can get out of marriages, and do if they’re not happy. Got it. And you think marriage is great, yada, yada. Great. Well, my marriage isn’t so great. What’s this nonsense about nourishing it, already?

Well, let’s say there are three states of marriage:

Happy,
Unhappy and
one with Warning Signs.

Let me ask you: What are the signs of a happy marriage?

Take a moment and think about it before you read on.

Okay, ready? Here’s my list. See how much you overlap.

The Signs of a Happy Marriage

You’re not unhappy. Okay, it’s answering the question with the question. But it’s true.
You feel you have a shared purpose and are working together to get there.
You look forward to spending time with each other.
You listen to each other.
You do things for each other to make each other happy.
You hold hands.
When you disagree, you try not to get upset, you try to find a way to work things out.
Your arguments focus more on understanding each other than proving who’s right.
You don’t always have to agree, you respect your differences.
You encourage each other to have your own interests, friends and hobbies.
Your sex life is good in both quality and quantity.
You say “I love you.”
You are interested in each other.
You are proud to be married to each other.
You make time for each other.
You talk about what’s important to each other, and make sure each person is getting what they need.

What does an unhappy marriage look like? Well, just take the opposites of the list above.

And a marriage with Warning Signs? Every case is different, but let’s say it’s that you can’t say yes to all of the above.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Marriage, Part 3: Anger, Conflict and Communication

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Marriage, Part 1: Nourish your Relationship Emotionally, Mentally and Physically

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

This is Part 1 of a six-part post on long-term committed relationships, which for simplicity’s sake I will call Marriage, although I understand there are other kinds of relationships, too.

Part 1 is on what’s unique about these kinds of relationships, the benefits, and the special challenges of nourishing them. Really, it’s about marriage benefits, which we don’t say enough about in today’s world.

Part 2 is on what makes a long-term relationship happy. I believe that if you can define something, you can then work towards achieving it.

Part 3 discusses anger, conflict and communication, and how left unaddressed, it can kill a marriage.

Part 4 is about the long-term impact of anger, conflict and poor communications.

Part 5 is about when the spark and passion is gone in marriage.

Part 6 is Reconnecting sexually in a marriage of equals.

“I brought my wife flowers; she was delighted.”

“I brought my wife flowers every day; it became expected.”

“My husband bought me nothing because we could afford nothing. But he made time to listen to me and talk with me every night while he rubbed my neck.”

“My wife won’t have sex with me, she says she’s too tired every night.”

“My husband makes sure that I always have a full tank of gas.”

“My husband doesn’t come home until after I’m asleep most nights, spending every night with his friends at the bar.”

“My life partner came home early from work to make sure I could go out to girl’s night.”

These are examples of things that are seen as nourishing –or hurting– a relationship.

There’s more to a relationship than small gestures that show you care.

Keeping the spark alive takes work. Dammit.

I believe that as hard as it may be at times, being married is one of life’s greatest rewards.

Marriage is a relationship unlike any other, with you and your partner each committed to each other for life. It’s often hard, and there will always be. But life is much richer when you are each able to wholly trust and rely on each other, when you have a shared purpose, and when each other’s happiness is important to each other.

Ultimately, we are all alone; having someone to share our lives with, happy moments and sad, joyful and stressful, makes everything so much better. I truly believe that shared joy is more joyful, and shared pain more bearable. There is no one else I want to spend my life with than my wife.

Sadly, most marriages in the United States end in divorce. Increasingly, people don’t even see the point in getting married.

Why is this?

Lots of columnists, scientists, marriage counselors and ill-informed bloggers (like this one!) have their opinions. But my opinion is that in this society, people have gravitated more and more to seeking their own happiness and self-interest, and are less interested in committing to marriages that don’t fully provide those benefits.

More, couples today expect to be nourished in their relationships. Emotionally, mentally, physically. But often, people don’t nourish each other very well.

In the old days, people stayed married, even if they weren’t happy. Now, people bail.

More, people used to need to stay married to support a family. And kids were a pretty sure-fire product of having sex, which people wanted to have. And we shouldn’t underestimate men’s desire to have sex: if sex was what was required to have sex, then men were going to get married.

With birth control, sex is more available. This undercuts the one rationale for marriage, both for men and women.

And women now have their own careers and incomes, and don’t need to get married to be able to support their children. Although it certainly helps.

Additionally, although some may disagree, the growth of government public assistance assures that there is some minimum level of basic human needs being provided for children and families who are destitute. Being on welfare isn’t anyone’s first choice, but for some, it does provide a safety net that allows women to provide for their children… and get out of bad marriages if they absolutely have to, or not marry a poor choice of partners at all.

Partners need to know, and discuss, what each of them need and expect in their relationship, to be nourished. And even with marriage and relationships being easier to terminate, really, we all want our relationships not just to last, but to thrive, where we each provide what the other person needs.

This, I would put forward, is the definition of happiness. Where you’re getting what you need. I believe that we all need other people, and in particular, we need the love, commitment, affection, respect and companionship of one person in particular, our life partner. We are born wanting this connection, this partnership. And if even if you’ve had relationships that have gone bad or left you scarred, you still want a person to spend your time with. Perhaps the term “soul-mate” is overused and too romantic. But no one should have to be alone, and having been very alone in my own life, I know how much I value what my gal gives me, every day, even if she’s having a bad day and yelling at me.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Marriage, Part 2: What is a Happy Marriage?

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Bring Back the Spark in your Relationship with These Tips!

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

To feel like having sex, a woman needs to feel loved. To feel loved, a man needs to have sex.

In the past 50 years, gender roles have been reinvented, with women following career paths outside the home and becoming breadwinners. Meanwhile, men are taking on more domestic duties, sharing childrearing, and even giving up careers in favor of their wives’ careers.

On one hand, women like and demand this equality.

On the other hand, somewhere in the subconscious, this can make women less interested in having sex, as recently reported in the New York Times. Deep down inside, most women want their men to be manly, and seeing their men being domestic can temper their sexual interest.

It’s a Catch-22 for men, or at least those who wish to try to live by new egalitarian expectations.

And it’s not one that can be cured by being nicer, bringing more flowers and gifts, or doing more around the house to help take more stress off our wives.

How do we bring back the spark, improve intimacy and build closeness?

Sex is part of it. If you aren’t having a satisfying sex life, neither partner is feeling good. Intimacy is down. And it flows through to the rest of your relationship.

We all have different aspects of ourselves that we need to nourish. If we are out of balance, with some parts of ourselves being unsatisfied, it ripples through to the rest of lives and our relationships.

Let’s use a bad analogy. Let’s suppose we’re a tree. (Admittedly, sometimes us guys are difficult to distinguish from plant life.) To thrive, we need water, soil, air, and sunlight. We also need warm weather and to not be in the path of a bulldozer. If all of those conditions are met, we’re pretty happy flora, doing our thing, photosynthesizing, adding rings, providing shade, maybe giving off fruit.

But, if aren’t getting what we need, we can wither and die, sometimes very quickly.

Our relationships are the same.

If we’re getting love, affection, emotional support, shared purpose, appreciation, the satisfaction of a mutually rewarding relationship, as well as regular and good sex, then we’re probably doing pretty well.

But, if we’re missing some or all of these things, we are under stress.

If we’ve built up goodwill in our relationship, then a bad day now and then happens and is no big deal. But repeated bad days that turn into bad weeks, months and years can lead to the end of a relationship.

If our spouse doesn’t appreciate us, or we just feel that way, maybe we stop giving appreciation back. We stop talking. Little resentments build up, and silence grows.

Negative feedback loops build.

Relationships wither. Intimacy ends. Sex stops. And maybe the marriage implodes.

So what’s the answer?

The answer, simply, is that to bring back the spark we all need to look at the different aspects of our relationships constantly, and do the work that’s required to keep things healthy.

And, as hard as it may be, sometimes we have to have hard talks.

We have to communicate.

If something is bothering you, or your spouse, you have to talk about it.

Personally, I hate conflict.

I also hate talking about my feelings and emotions. But we have to.

We have to talk about our expectations. So often, we never do.

We also have to talk about how we talk

Sometimes, my wife might tell me, not so nicely, “pick that up and put it in the trashcan.”

This causes a waterfall of thoughts and emotions in me.

To her, it’s just a reasonable, instinctual request to me to keep our home looking clean, that of course I’d just do.

To me, it’s an affront to my primitive brain and manhood. I feel like she’s ordering me around, and implying that I’m an idiot, irresponsible and uncaring. If I say something, she’ll also feel I’m unreasonable, oversensitive and a jerk. To her, it was a simple request. Me, I saw it as an order. And I am not her subordinate to be ordered around.

But we can work it out; I can explain how it made me feel, and why, and next time, she’ll instead say, “Could you remember to throw that in the trashcan when you’re done? You know how clutter drives me crazy.” She makes it a request, and explains why she it’s important to her. It’s no longer just an order.

We’ve had plenty of conversations just like that. Honestly, they’re not always easy and can trigger emotions. And I hate talking about how it makes me “feel.” It seems wussy. But afterwards, we understand each other better, we proved we care and respect each other enough to have the conversation… and we both get what we want.

Therapists say that preceding such discussions with “I feel…” takes a lot of the threat out of statements in such discussions, by making it clear it’s the speaker’s perceptions and emotions being discussed, not the actual behavior of the other person. This makes things less confrontational, and if not always easier, at least helps.

And another thing couples should talk about it sex. How much. How often. How adventurous… and if there’s an issue, how to fix any issues. If you missed my earlier post on that topic, you can find it here.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Marriage, Part 1: Nourish your Relationship Emotionally, Mentally and Physically

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What to Do When your Sex Life is Dying and you Don’t Feel Close Anymore

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

“I’m bored in our marriage.”

“I don’t feel close to my spouse any more.”

“Our sex life has fizzled.”

Have you heard these, or maybe said them yourself?

If you have, you’re in good company.

Actually, if you’re married, it’s almost inevitable that at some point, you’ll say one, some or all of these things yourself.

Being married is hard. Raising a family is exhausting. And making a living is often thankless and stressful.

Then, trying to maintain the spark and intimacy with your spouse on top of everything else?

It’s near impossible, especially when you consider that everything has cycles, including long-term relationships. There comes a point where things aren’t “new,” anymore, where you know each other as well as two people can, and all the other responsibilities have pushed “time for each other and good sex” way down the list, if you can get to it at all.

It sucks. But this is life in the 21st Century.

But All is Not Lost

If you’re reading this blog or just found this post, you’re probably looking for answers to what you can do about declining libidos and intimacy, to bring back the romance and excitement. Maybe you’re just looking to spice things up, maybe you’re looking to reignite the spark in your marriage, or maybe you’re trying to introduce new ideas, both sexual and non-sexual, to your spouse.

Again, whatever the case, you’re in good company.

And just buying some sexy underwear or a toy is not going to be the magic wand. Well, maybe the toy you buy is a Magic Wand (highly recommended!), but you know what I mean. Any fix is more in your understanding of each other and your relationship, not in adding a Band Aid.

Every person and every relationship is different, but when the “newness” and adventure disappears from relationships, things go off track.

Also, people and relationships change and evolve over time. The Marlboro Man that made his lady swoon doesn’t seem quite as desirable when he’s splitting diaper duty, going to a cubicle job, volunteering to rub tired feet and doing all the things that make him a good husband… but not the manly, dangerous lover he was when the couple first met.

Ester Perel said it very well in her TED talk: The security, safety and comfort that we want in a long-term relationship is death to our sexual desire, which craves newness, novelty and unpredictability.

She recommends several things in keeping desire alive:

1. Make space for the erotic:

* Have a lot of privacy

* Make erotic space: time when you are just being, and are not being responsible

* Prevent distractions

2. Remember that foreplay starts long before the love making

3. Keep realistic expectations

* Things ebb and flow

* Spontaneity is a myth

* Relationship issues are not equal to bad sex

This is great advice.

But there’s more to it.

My next post provides more insight about what’s going on, how genders view things differently, and gives suggestions of things you can do to resolve conflict, communicate better, and keep the spark alive in your relationship and sex life.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Bring Back the Spark in your Relationship with These Tips!

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Decide What’s Important. And that Includes Talking about Sex.

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Prioritizing Sex

I don’t know how many couples have really sat down and decide what’s important, and what’s not.

I would guess that most haven’t.

But there are systems out there to help you work this out. The Franklin Covey system is one, which I’ve had good luck in really considering my roles, which are important, and making sure that I pay attention to each of my roles to the best of my ability.

Some roles, like being a volunteer, has had to be put aside for a decade.

Others, like being a good husband and father, are at the top of the list all the time. And making a daily and weekly list of what’s important in those roles each week helps me say “no” to other things.

Nothing is perfect; sometimes I still can’t do the things I want to do. But if I am aware of my priorities and goals, then I can make better choices every day to get closer to them, and I find it powerfully calming that I know I’m working on the most important things every day.

If you don’t have a plan, then you’ll just be buffeted by each strong breeze of other people’s wants.

And if addressing issues in your relationship and sex life is a priority, make sure you make it one.

Sex is a Priority, too

Couples often don’t like to talk about their sex lives. They are afraid of hurt feelings, negative reactions, and confronting their own faults and inadequacies. Plus, there is the fear of being judged or rejected for mental, emotional or moral reasons if they were to talk about their own desires. Sometimes, one or both people can’t even put words to their desires and dissatisfaction

That being said, you need to talk about your sex life.

If you want sex every day, and your spouse is happy with sex every other Leap Year, you need to talk. Maybe you can come to an agreement you can both live with.

Perhaps you’ve always wanted to have sex swinging from a chandelier. Well, if you don’t talk about it, then it’s never going to happen. Maybe your partner is afraid of heights. Or maybe they’ll think it’s a grand idea.

And while the world of sexual interests can be wrought with landmines, I will go out on a limb and say that in my opinion, your sexual interests are fine and normal, and you shouldn’t hesitate to discuss them with your spouse. If you’re in a permanent, monogamous relationship, then the only way you’re going to get your needs met is through your spouse.

And in a healthy relationship, your spouse should want to make you happy. As you should want to make your partner happy in return.

Scheduling Sex

Sex should be spontaneous, exciting and adventurous.

But let’s get real.

It’s often not.

And “should” is a loaded, unrealistic word anyway.

Most of us are too busy, stressed and exhausted to have a lot of sex like that. We wish we did. And perhaps we used to. But when the baby is crying and needs a diaper change, or when mom calls and dad has fallen and is on his way to the hospital with a shattered pelvis, well the furry handcuffs aren’t coming out tonight.

So, given that spontaneous sex isn’t as much of an option as it used to be, but both partners agree that sex is both important and something they want, then a standing sex date might be the answer. One or two nights a week (or mornings, or whatever works), put nookie on the calendar. Both partners agree that they will show up if at all possible, put other concerns aside and do their best to relax, have fun, and connect..

And the secret sauce? Your imaginations. Think of things to inspire and excite your partner when you do get together. A story. A character. An outfit. Or maybe something ordered out of the back of a magazine. The key is to show your partner you were thinking about them and both of you as a couple.

And remember: sex is one of the best antidotes for stress and is critical for maintaining connection and intimacy.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: What to Do When your Sex Life is Dying and you Don’t Feel Close Anymore

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Sex-starved and Sexless Marriages

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Some things just don’t get done every day in our crazy lives. Our top priorities are our jobs, kids, parents, and other obligations. If we’re lucky, we try to make time for the gym and all the other little errands that come up.

Often, very important things get pushed off the list, especially our relationship and sex.

Relationships require maintenance.

If the two people in the relationship aren’t spending time together enjoying each other’s company, then is it still a relationship? For a while it will be, but at some point, it just becomes two people living together, disconnected, with separate lives and interests. We’ve all see that happen. Maybe for some people that’s okay. But I believe that your life with your partner is the greatest relationship either of you will and should ever have, and you should make it a priority. And you know what to do. It can be anything from just taking walks together to a weekend away. But you need to take the time you need to keep connected and with enough time to appreciate your spouse.

And sex… sex is not just a checkbox. It’s a time for a couple to connect, explore, relax and recharge. Is that kind of sex getting pushed off your list of priorities as a couple? If so, you’re not alone. But how does your spouse feel about it? And how do you feel about it? You need to make sex a priority.

“It’s not a priority to me.”

Recently I saw the topic of sexless marriages being discussed on an online discussion board, and one gentleman, clearly distraught, bemoaned, “I come fourth on her list of priorities. Fourth! The fucking dogs come before me!”

I had to laugh, but I totally understood what he was saying.

I’m not sure what #1 and #2 were, but I’d guess that they are the kids and her job. I know, because I sometimes feel that way about where my wife’s priorities are. And if we had dogs, I suspect I’d often be #4 as well.

And I’ve struggled over time with this.

Sex is such a priority to me. And to be brutally honest, sex is the reason I do much of what I do. I work my ass off to provide a good home and lifestyle for our family… so that my wife will have sex with me.

When she doesn’t see it as a priority, well… to say my feelings are hurt can sometimes be an understatement.

But rationally, I understand she’s exhausted, stressed, often doesn’t feel well, and doesn’t prioritize sex as high as I do. The stresses she’s under are exhausting: her job, being a mom of three kids, helping her aging parents, and then all the household chores that pile up quickly (sometimes literally), from laundry to an uncluttered living room. Then she also volunteers at church and school, and does a hell of a lot beyond that.

I understand her stress. Hell, I even want her to do all those things.

But. I want her to save something for me.

Especially when I do a lot for her, to try to make her life easier, from nightly foot and shoulder rubs to all the household crap I do to all the stuff I do for the kids and our family.

And have I mentioned that my job is a high-stress, high-responsibility killer of a job? I bust my ass to leave there on time at night to be a good husband and father.

Then, she’s too tired for sex more than once every week or two… and then only wants to do the bare minimum when we do get time together.

Yeah, that really sucks.

Then there are Health Issues, too

In my case, my wife also has health issues. All women get screwed when it comes to their cycles and their periods, especially if it comes with migraines and cysts and a long list of other stuff guys don’t need to deal with. But in our case, my gal is the lucky winner of some additional endocrine issues, which leave her exhausted and feeling crappy all the time.

And, as time has gone on, her libido has tanked. Which isn’t her fault. I want her to feel well, because I love her. But I also want her to be interested in having sex with me. So, getting her health issues addressed is a high priority for me.

If you or your spouse is having health issues that are impacting your relationship, you have a responsibility to yourself and your spouse to get them addressed.

And I can attest that such issues can be tricky. As I’ve gotten deeper into the workings of the endocrine system, I’ve found it is terribly complicated, and frequently such issues are often poorly diagnosed and even more poorly treated.

So, if health issues are impacting your life and sex life, learn all you can about them. Be an informed patient. Connect with patient communities, and look for the good doctors who are going to treat you, not “a patient.” You aren’t a number or an average, and life is too short to not feel well if you can avoid it.

Is sex a priority?

As for relationships without enough sex… what can you do?

Well, first, you both need to discuss where sex falls in your relationship.

For my wife, sex fell further and further down the priority list. She wasn’t didn’t feeling sexy or much desire, and was glad when I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t ask for it, despite wanting it desperately, because I knew that she was exhausted, didn’t feel good, and wasn’t interested anyway.

But it finally got to the point that I had to talk to her about it, and she was surprised how strongly I felt, and how deprived and disconnected I was feeling. We agreed to make it more of a priority, and she also agreed to try to work on being enthusiastic, not just there taking one for the team.

We also agreed at that time for me to get more involved in looking into her health issues.

So, as is always the case, we had to talk.

If you’re having similar issues, you need to talk, too.

We decided together what was important. The next post in this series talks about prioritizing things in your relationship.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Decide What’s Important. And that includes talking about Sex.

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Our Stressful Lives are Killing our Relationships, Intimacy and Sex Lives

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Do you hear yourself saying things like:

“I just don’t have time for anything.”

“I just don’t have energy at the end of the day.”

“I am always so tired.”

“I can’t get it all done.”

“I have nothing left.”

Sound familiar?

It sure does to me.

Or maybe this applies to your spouse, and you’re asking yourself:

“Why is she always exhausted?”

“Why is he always cranky?”

“Why can’t he relax?”

“Why won’t she have sex with me?”

We are all Burnt Out

It’s never good to make generalizations, but I’ll make one anyway.

We are all exhausted and stressed.

We are trying to fit a gallon of milk in a quart container. And it’s not working very well.

We’re trying to be good employees, spouses, parents, and children to our own parents. We are trying to hold on to our jobs in an economy that’s increasingly competitive and unpredictable. We’re trying to prepare our kids for their own careers and lives. We’re trying to provide care to our rapidly aging parents.

And somewhere in there, we’re trying to have a relationship with our spouse, including a sexual relationship.

It sure ain’t easy.

Oh, and then there’s one other forgotten person we’d also like to give some attention: ourselves.

It doesn’t all fit!

No, that’s not what John Hamm’s girlfriend says.

Well, okay, maybe it is.

But in our case, we’re talking about our ability to do everything we want to.

In our case, we had kids, with each additional kid we jettisoned more of our lives.

Hobbies. Reading. A clean house. An attractive yard. Elaborate home-cooked meals.

And we have to be realistic: there are trade-offs for everything. I don’t care what some book-writing Fortune 500 COOs are saying: most of us can’t have it all. Frankly, not all of us can be at the c-level, with multiple nannies, a personal chef and personal trainer.

And it’s fine. Really, it is.

“We Need to Talk.”

Those words that scare the sh*t out of anyone hearing them. But that’s what you need to do if you’re going to address these issues..

You need to sit down with your partner and talk about priorities, both for your lives as well as for any given day.

When we haven’t done that, and we are dissatisfied with our relationship, then we have to figure out what’s going to give, and how we’re going to change.

And if our sex lives aren’t working, we need to talk about that, too. In the next post, I talk about sexless and sex-starved marriages. stress killing sex lives

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Sexless and Sex-starved Marriages

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Nothing Can Be New Forever: Good Sex Fades

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

If you haven’t watched Esther Perel’s outstanding TED talk, “The Secret to Desire in a Long Term Relationship,” you need to watch it. If you have 20 minutes, go watch it now. Seriously! I’ll wait. If you don’t have 20 minutes, bookmark it now or send the link to yourself in an email to watch when you have time.

She explicitly asks the question, “Why does good sex fade?”

Esther’s talk is simply outstanding, and she shares how all of us in long-term relationships are going to have conflicting demands for safety and comfort (love) and novelty and desire (lust). She has some specific suggestions for what we can do to keep things fresh and new, which we’ll do a separate post about another time.

However, I’ll sum up her points as follows:

In order to keep our relationship, sexual life and our own selves alive, we need to use our imaginations, and commit to making space for the erotic, our fantasies, and each other. It’s hard. But you and your partner’s imaginations are key to keeping things new and fresh.

Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

For all the improvements in technology, productivity and science, it sure does seem like everyone is working their asses off.

If we can find a job, that is.

If you don’t have a job, you’re busting your butt to try to find one, and fretting about how to survive.

If you have a job, by and large you’re probably working longer and harder than you’ve ever worked before. And you’re probably working for less money than you were ten years ago.

And if you’re a full-time caregiver, recent articles report that you work longer and harder than those who get paychecks.

The pressures of raising a family keep increasing, with sports, homework and extracurriculars getting more and more overwhelming as parents try to get their kids ready for this increasingly competitive world.

And with shopping, cooking healthy meals, cleaning and endless laundry, you’re probably at least 20 hours a week behind before Monday even comes. And that’s not even doing anything for yourself.

What does this do to your relationship and sex life?

Bluntly, libidos tank when we’re tired, overwhelmed and stressed.

But a healthy sex life is critical for a healthy marriage.

For many of us, it’s not just a stress relief, it’s a way of feeling closer and spending time together.

Society seems to be conspiring to take our sex lives out at the knees.

It sucks. Good sex fades.

Not all is lost

To address a problem, understand it.

Is your stressful life undermining your relationship? Is it impacting your intimacy and your sex life?

If so, then talk about it with your partner, and see if they agree, both on the situation, the causes, and the impact. And then commit to doing something about it.

And in my next few posts, we’ll see what we might be able to do about this stuff, including how good sex fades. We may not be able to fix the original problems, but we can address how we respond, and how we act.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Our Stressful Lives are Killing our Relationships, Intimacy and Sex Lives

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Why Relationships Cool: What You Can Do About a Dead or Dying Marriage

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

At some point, the Honeymoon is over.

It’s a terrible old saying.

Unfortunately, it’s true.

No One Is Perfect

Even for the world’s most perfect couple, the newness rubs off. Maybe it takes a week, maybe a decade. But at some point, two people know each other as well as two people can. Strengths come to be regarded as expected, and weaknesses –or just things one person just doesn’t like about the other—grow from being minor irritants to relationship-killers. To their surprise, these couples find themselves in a dying marriage.

No two people will be in perfect alignment all the time. It’s as simple as one person being too hot, and the other too cold.

Maybe through chance one person is genetically more concerned about seeing to the needs of the other at their own expense, and that can work. But at some point, conflict arises and two people want different things, and the small parade of small irritants accumulate until the dam breaks, and there’s a fight… maybe even a cataclysmic all-out battle.

This is part of being human.

There Will be Conflict

Some of us are naturally skilled at working through conflict in a healthy manner. We are able to take a step back to look at the situation and put things in perspective. We can put our emotions and hurt feelings aside. We are even good at seeing the other person’s point of view, and at apologizing if we’re wrong or when we see how the other person might feel hurt or aggrieved.

Then there’s the rest of us. Actually, virtually all of us.

Most of us aren’t so good at working through issues. We are taught to avoid conflict, and criticism, and we also have an inborn sense that, “of course I’m right and they’re wrong!” It’s human nature.

We also find it hard to admit we’re wrong, to admit weakness, and to risk getting our feelings hurt by making ourselves emotionally vulnerable.

But left unaddressed, over time, everything eventually blows up.

Most of us don’t like to fight, and when we do, we fight emotionally and focus on telling our partner what we want them to hear, rather than listening and trying to understand, discuss and fix whatever the issue may be, and making sure we understand the other person’s point of view. So hurt feelings multiply; we just aren’t good fighters.

And often, the way that some people –especially men– avoid hurt feelings and the discomfort of talking about emotions is to avoid the conflict all together, or to just stop engaging. So, if there’s an argument, we sulk, and perhaps even go to the silent treatment. Often this isn’t to punish our partner, but because we’re too mad to think and communicate clearly or without making things worse. So the argument doesn’t get resolved, and the inventory of hurt feelings grows further.

And when people stop talking and trying to work things out, this can poison the relationship to the point that it can’t be fixed.

“I don’t talk too much. I just have a lot to say.”

And on the flip side of the silent treatment is over-communicating.

Let’s say there’s a fight, and the couple has talked and debated exhaustively… and the issue is still not resolved. One person wants to keep at it… but the other is completely spent. It’s best at that point to take a break, pick it up again later. Some of us just need some time to think, to digest, and to get our frazzled brains and emotions gathered before we can again talk constructively about an issue.

If we keep going, the fight can get worse, where one person says something out of frustration and exhaustion that makes things worse. Or one person caves to just end the argument and move on. This isn’t good or fair either, although it’s a long-acknowledged negotiating technique. But you’re not working out a corporate merger or selling another person a used car; you’re working things out in your marriage. And if you don’t work things out fairly, you’re just adding to your future troubles.

If your partner needs a break, give them the break. But you have every right to ask them to commit to picking up the issues again at an agreed-to time.

Extraverts and Introverts

Remember that there’s a difference between extraverts and introverts.

Extraverts often love to drag everything out into the open and talk things through, and as soon as they’re thinking it, they’re saying it.

Introverts, on the other hand, need time to really consider everything until they’ve thought things through, and they’ve perhaps even rehearsed the conversation in their mind.

Throw things at Introverts without preparation, and they feel completely uncomfortable, unprepared, and like the other person isn’t fighting fair. But to an extravert, when the introvert pushes back on needing more time before they are ready to talk, it feels like the introvert is shutting them down and doesn’t care. That’s not the case, they just need time to gather their thoughts.

So, remember and accept that your partner may be different from you, and this is okay, even if you don’t completely understand it. The way your partner thinks, talks, and handles conflict doesn’t necessarily reflect how they feel about you.

“But I thought that…” / “You never said…”

False assumptions lead to the cooling of relationships when couples discover they strongly disagree on something important that they’d never talked about.

For example, how and where to vacation, when, and for how long. One person might want a relaxing week at the beach with their toes in the sand. The other person wants to explore a historic city, soaking in as much history and experiences as possible. Who compromises?

Or, it might be the couple disagrees on how much money to save for retirement versus how much to spend on those same vacations.

And there’s always the issue of sex: how often and for how long? As the newness of the relationship fades, perhaps one partner is feeling less interested and adventurous, to the alarm of the other.

And People Are Just Different

And what if two people find they don’t put the same importance or emphasis on some things?

We all enjoy different things and make some things priorities that others don’t. Me, I like watching football. On a list of things my wife enjoys, that rates somewhere just above watching Ken Burns’ documentaries. Which she finds painfully boring, but that I also happen to enjoy.

How about when one spouse is passionate about something that the other spouse views as unimportant or uninteresting? And worse, what if the first spouse thinks it should be important to the other? And the other spouse just can’t make themselves care. For example, I agree the living room should be painted. My wife, however, had a long list of details of critical importance that she wanted my full and unwavering attention. And I try, but I just can’t put my mind to it. Here, her unstated expectations are not being met, leading to feelings of betrayal, rejection and hurt feelings.

Boom. Instant conflict.

In our own relationship, this has happened frequently. Personally, having a showplace home is not important to me. All I really want is to have a comfortable spot where I can put up my feet and use my laptop and watch TV, a soft bed, and a spot in the corner of the garage for my workbench. If I were to decorate, I’d rather have some quirky, interesting objects and posters that communicate ideas and novelty. Maybe a velvet Elvis tapestry, perhaps some gritty proof art from pulp fiction novels from the 60’s of a hardened private detective bursting into a hotel room, gun drawn.

That doesn’t fly with my gal. She wants a home she can be proud of, that friends could envision being featured in a home magazine when they visit. I joke with her sometimes about decorating my way instead.

She finds this monumentally un-amusing.

Actually, she sees it as me making fun of something that is important to her. So, I’ve mostly stopped joking about it. Although I still do occasionally see something, say a huge 1970’s Spencer Gifts Lava Lamp at a garage sale, and will suggest it would look great on our mantle. She never fails to give me a dirty look. I laugh and let it go. Call it a flaw of mine, that I needle her once in a while, jokingly. It shouldn’t be a big deal to her. But it is. And I guess my needling is to point this out to her, and remind her that I let her do what she wants. Not that it gets me any credit.

Although I should mention that she did give me permission to decorate the garage and basement any way I like.

Joking aside (well, actually, that’s not a joke, it’s really what she said), this was a case where we compromised, and we do things her way because it’s more important to her. And when she wants to talk about things that are important to her, like decorating, I really do try to sit down and give her my full attention.

And in fairness to my wife, she did make absolutely sure that I had a comfortable place to sit.

But, the key point here is that if two people feel strongly about something, and disagree, the disagreement can sap the energy of a relationship, and the feeling of intimacy. It doesn’t matter if it’s how to decorate, what possessions to purchase, or how to raise the kids: any kind of conflict can cause two people to view each other as adversaries.

In any relationship, the two people need to decide on priorities and what’s important and where they can compromise, and where they can’t.

And in the case of decorating our house, my wife has carte blanche, and I agree to not express my opinions afterwards since I wouldn’t express them ahead of time.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Nothing Can Be New Forever: Good Sex Fades

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Relationship Issues are Everywhere: Can you save your Marriage?

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

My best friend from high school hadn’t had sex with his wife in years. She was also a financial adulteress, generating huge bills on luxury items for herself while not working, putting the burden fully on him to pay for her extravagant spending.

They had other issues as well, but he couldn’t get her to discuss them at all, much less rationally.

The divorce took years, and he needed therapy to move on with his life.

Another friend, this one from college, had a similar situation. He married his college sweetheart, a woman with a huge heart and absolutely no self-control. She never worked, and gained weight to the point of becoming morbidly obese. She had initially provided the emotional nourishment he lacked growing up, but later her own issues sunk their marriage. Like my other friend, he is remarried now, and seems much happier now with a woman much more emotionally mature. She got a huge alimony payment, and found a new husband quickly.

Then there was a close female friend from college who divorced her husband after he stopped coming home much, preferring long business trips and a job far enough away from home that he got an apartment in the city. Both she and her husband both had extremely demanding careers that they put first, and their awesome young sons wound up spending most of their days with grandma. The resentment of neither one of them being willing to sacrifice their careers for the other, or for the family, became a source of constant friction, fights and anger. Nasty fights evolved into sullen silences, and then eventually mutual hated. The relationship ended in a divorce that was brutal for both its emotional and financial toll, as well as a particularly nasty custody battle.

These stories probably sound familiar. We all have friends who have separated, especially if we’re of a certain age.

And those are just the divorces; other relationship issues are everywhere. Relationships are lousy with frictions between partners.

The difference in those who stay together and those who don’t is probably most often around communication, commitment, expectations and willingness to forgive, to accept and to be grateful.

Some Relationships Can’t Be Saved. And Shouldn’t Be.

If you’re having issues, you need to decide first whether the issues are ones that can be worked out, or the kind that can’t.

What kind of relationship issues have a low probability of getting worked out? Here’s a partial list:

A spouse who unrepentantly maintains has a string of affairs.
The spouse who won’t connect emotionally.
The spouse who won’t control their spending to the point the family faces major issues, including eviction.
The abusive spouse.
The husband or wife who refuses to address an alcohol or other addiction
The spouse who just turned out to be batsh*t crazy, and can’t or won’t change.
The spouse who won’t admit or address big issues.
And, perhaps, the sexless marriage.

In some cases there may be reasons to stay with a bad marriage. Perhaps for the good of the kids. Perhaps it’s tolerable, and better than the cost of divorcing. Perhaps the spouse is okay with a spouse having sexual relationships outside marriage. Perhaps, for all the flaws, you love the other person, and can’t imagine being without them.

But, if there are issues of safety involved, for you or your children, I would say that you have a moral obligation to really consider leaving the relationship.

And if you are miserable and your spouse does not care about you enough to treat you with respect, or is incapable of changing, then you have a responsibility to yourself to weigh the options and decide if a life of endless unhappiness and lack of fulfillment is fair to you. Life is short; if you spend it being miserable, are you really making the most of your life? I would say no. And while the idea of happiness is very much a Western idea that is not globally accepted as important, I would say that at the minimum, you have a right to make sure you’re not living in misery.

Some Relationships Can’t Be Fixed

Sometimes, couples just grow apart. They may find out that while they married for what seemed like good reasons, but there was no real glue holding their relationship together.

Others find that after the kids are gone, that they have nothing in common anymore.

Some find that they did not expect the exhaustion and lack of time that comes with adulthood, raising kids, and having a career.

Some folks discover sooner that they have different expectations. Expectations that they never talked about –or thought about– until after they had married. Maybe they have different expectations on vacations, how to spend leisure time, how much time to spend together, or what their sex life is going to be like.

If you’re in a situation that sounds like one of these cases, and you are emotionally remote from each other and the intimacy has disappeared from your relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t fix things.

Many Relationships Can Be Fixed. Remember that Relationships Take Work.

In these cases, honest discussion and hard work can be enough to work through these disagreements. Not that it’s easy. But taking the time to identify the problem, then talking through options, can be huge in finding a solution. But it will require honest communication and maturity. It may take going back to square one, identifying what each of you want out of your relationship and partnership, what you like about each other, and coming to agreement on a new, shared purpose.

Sometimes emotions can be a huge part of the issue. For us, talking about money has always been that killer issue: for her, money is very much connected to the issue of independence and control, and having someone tell her –or even just suggest– how to spend money makes her defensive at best. So two people can view money very, very differently. But they can certainly still love one another despite the disagreement.

If you want to make your relationship better, though, don’t avoid the issues. The next time that the time is right, ask your spouse what your two biggest relationship issues are. Not how to fix them, just see if you agree on what they are. Then, from there, you can think about them and hold a series of less stressful conversations about various points of the issue over time.

It won’t solve all your problems instantly. But at least you’ll be working on the top priorities. And notice that you’re asking your spouse for what their issues are. You’re investing in them. But fair is fair, and it is inevitable and fair that you will bring up your own top issues in matter of course.

If you each have different views on what the problems are, you can work through that, too.

Consider Marriage Counseling

If you have trouble talking about things, or even identifying the issues, then seriously consider marriage counseling. You’d see a doctor if you had a health problem that was threatening your life; why wouldn’t you consider meeting with a trained professional if you have a relationship issue that’s threatening your marriage? Position it as something to help you work through what you can do better in the relationship, not as something to address your spouse’s faults. Say “me” or “us,” not “you.” No one likes “you.”

The key point is that you are committed to your marriage, and are willing to do the hard work it takes to save your marriage. Even if it hurts. Even if it means conflict, and hurt feelings as you work through the issues. And, if you’re willing to accept that, then you should also be willing to admit that there are professionals who see these kinds of issues all the time, and can help you work things through faster, better and more completely than you can do on your own if you find you’ve hit a roadblock.

You are important. Your marriage is important. First, talk, respectfully, and try to figure out the issues and then try to solve them on your own. It’s amazing how many couples just haven’t talked about their issues, in the interest of avoiding fights and hurt feelings. And when they talk, the find out what they thought their spouse thought, or what their own assumptions were, are totally different than what they thought.

And if you can’t do it on your own, there’s no shame in getting help. If anything, you should feel proud that you’re both willing to do whatever it takes to address your issues… even asking for help.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Why Relationships Cool: What You Can Do About a Dead or Dying Marriage

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Why Are We Fighting?

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Understand Why You’re Fighting to Solve Arguments

I get home after a long day at work, with screaming bosses, backstabbing coworkers, and a self-destructing project that I’m on the hook to fix and which could have big consequences for my continued employment if I don’t figure out.

I walk in the door, and it’s the usual blur as I jump into Dad role, helping with homework, refereeing a fight, sitting down to dinner, then doing the dishes while my wife tells me about her day and frustrations.

As my wife talks I try to listen and respond despite my genetic manfault of not being able to multitask very well, which means specifically that I struggle to hear her while I’m trying to figure out how to get everything into the dishwasher.

When I finally get a chance to sit down on the couch next to her when the kids are squared away, I flip on the game… and she wants to talk more. All I want to do is zone out and let my punch-drunk brain and body marinate for a bit. But, she talks at me, and my attention wanders, and it’s not long before I realize that she’s asking me if I’m listening to her… and I’m not. Now her feelings are hurt, and that leads to a fight…

My wife and I have the same fights over and over. Maybe the circumstances are different each time, but the underlying themes repeat. As do the outcomes… or lack them.

Like all couples, we fight.

Why are we fighting? Often, the fights come down to issues of different expectations, many of which we have never talked about, where each of us assumes something completely different.

Or there’s a difference of perception; she feels that I did something that seemed selfish to her, or didn’t consider her and her needs or how it would make her look or feel. To me, often what I did seemed perfectly reasonable and rational, and I don’t understand what the big deal is. Which, to her, further proves I’m a jerk.

Or, she gets mad when she feels I ignore her, or don’t listen to her, like in the story that started this post. (If you haven’t done so already, download my free eBook, “Why Men Don’t Listen,” which is free to everyone who signs up for a free membership to this site.

Other times she says that I’m distant, or don’t care about her. That I don’t invite her into my life. To me, her assertions seem to come out of nowhere: I wasn’t shutting her out, I just didn’t have much to say, and I’m certainly not unhappy!

Some good portion of these things have to do with differences between men and women and how we think and communicate.

Contributing is our different expectations, as well as our differing needs for talk, empathy and companionship. And this isn’t just between genders, it’s between any two people.

And then there’s always conflict around sex. Given the stresses my wife experiences though the day, and her exhaustion and frustration levels, she is often too wound up or too tired for sex. Me, I’m much more ready to work off some stress with a bit of energetic sexual exercise. So, our mismatched libidos can be a source of frustration as well.

Sometimes, my wife feels that I don’t like her, or even feels that I hate her, particularly if we’ve had a fight. When she says things like this, I’m shocked. We had a fight, we’ll work things out. No two people are ever going to agree on everything. But that does knock me out of complacency, and usually motivates me to have a hard conversation I really don’t want to have –you know, one where I have to talk about my feelings or something I’d just as happily not talk about—which then gives her what she really wants, reassurance that I like and love her just as much as I ever have. I suspect that ultimately, and perhaps subconsciously, she makes these assertions as her way of getting what she wants : my attention, emotional connection and reassurance of our bond.

Interestingly, such conversations usually end up with me apologizing for whatever the fight was originally about, and me agreeing to do whatever it was she wanted me to do in the first place.

Why else do we fight? Money is always a good one… we disagree on what to spend, what to save, and what’s important. Often, the fight is really about power and control than about the actual money.

We fight about time… we don’t have much to spare, and anything one of us does can be seen as being at the expense of the other. Think of it this way: if I want to go meet some guys for a beer, who’s left on duty to get the kids fed, bathed, in their jammies and in bed? She is. And the same is true in reverse if she wants to meet her girlfriends. And once homework and kids’ sports kick into gear, it gets an order of magnitude harder.

We fight because of our perception that the other should –or should not– be doing something differently. We pass judgment on them and their choices, because ultimately, we feel their actions have an effect on us or show how they feel about us.

And I’ll admit it: we can both sometimes be selfish, thoughtless, irritable, and rude, especially when we’re tired or stressed. We are human. But at the same time, we can both be generous, kind, forgiving and pleasant. We are all a combination of the good and the bad. Even Mother Theresa probably had her bad days.

Fights are inevitable. So make the best of it.

So, we fight. What have we found that works to mend things?

We both try to be grateful, and recognize that for every one irritant, there were probably ten kindnesses that went unnoticed.

When we lash out at each other, we try to admit it, and apologize quickly. We each know how it feels to be on the receiving end.

I ask her to be nice to me, and I try to be nice in return. Her anger can really hurt my feelings, but often this anger is borne of other frustrations rather than my actions. I try to not get mad in return, and try to not lash out in response; that just makes things worse. And when tempers have cooled, we can touch on things and work it out. I apologize, and she apologizes.

I apologize even when I don’t feel I’m necessarily in the wrong. I try to think about how she feels, and often I can see that her feelings were hurt because she felt I wasn’t thinking of her and how she’d feel. So I apologize for this, and try to show her that I’m thinking now about how she felt. I apologize because our relationship is more important to me than my pride.

We try to not fight in front of the kids. But like everybody, we still do. And this isn’t a bad thing… everyone fights. If the kids can see us work things out, that’s good. And if we don’t, that’s okay, too. They can see that people disagree. And if things get too heated, they can see us agree to table things.

Unfortunately, they can also see us exhibit bad behavior as well. Raised voices, unfounded accusations, perhaps even one or the other storming off once in a while. And there’s a lesson in such events as well, of what not to do. Especially when they see us apologize and work things out later.

And there have been times when we haven’t worked things out, or not for a long time. Times when, frankly, I have been a jerk. And so has she. Of course both of us think our actions are stellar examples of principle and maturity at the time. But, over time, we’ve learned that we are each still growing, and are not perfect. We accept each other’s faults, and that neither of us are perfect. Although one of us might still say she’s more perfect than the other. 😉

What’s the different between those who stay together, and those who don’t?

In my opinion, it’s the willingness to talk, to listen, and to do the hard work of talking things through. Admitting that perhaps you aren’t always right, or that there’s more than one way to see things.

Staying together is also showing you care enough about your partner and your relationship to be honest and open, and if necessary to make changes.

It’s to think about your partner, and how your choices impact them.

It’s also to forgive, and to accept differences. To not always need to be right. To respect the other person’s feelings, as well as their opinions, even if you don’t agree.

With enough effort, you can work through any issue, as long as you don’t cross into the big relationship killers of abuse (mental, physical or emotional), adultery (and other betrayals) or abandonment. The best thing to do is to not let it get to that point.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Relationship Issues are Everywhere

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Spice Up Your Sex Life to Increase Intimacy

November 3, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Caren felt every little breeze as Mike moved around her naked body. He had tied a silk scarf over her eyes, blindfolding her, then had stripped her clothes off, piece by piece, until she stood naked in the middle of their bedroom.

Mike had gently kissed her neck and shoulders as he removed each item, and now she felt his hand traveling over her body… over her shoulder… down her back… across her hip… until he let it rest, gently cupping and caressing one cheek of her behind. She felt him move closer into her, his clothed body hot against hers, and she felt a hint of whiskers on her cheek as he brought his mouth close to her ear. She could smell his cologne, and felt his hot breath in her hear as he whispered unimagined words to her about he was going to do to her next…

A satisfying sex life requires and provides intimacy and connection. It is also about keeping things fresh, and requires honesty, communication and trust.

So many couples struggle, especially when we’re so stretched, stressed and tired.

But people, especially women, are clearly interested in spicing things up to address something they’re not getting in their normal sex lives and relationships. Just look at the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey. Thanks to these books –and soon movie– there has been more awareness and interest by mainstream people in trying things they had never considered previously. And, at the same time, it’s becoming not just recognized but accepted that women have just as strong interest in sex as men, and that includes the spicy stuff.

So, why are people interested in the spicy stuff? Well…

Things turn us on besides straight, “vanilla” sex.
The idea of giving up –or taking!—control is sexy, especially when we are in different power positions the rest of the time.
It’s interesting! And fun! And it adds novelty and newness. It’s an adventure.
It just turns us on, even if we don’t understand it.
It allows us to scratch an itch with a partner we can trust, building intimacy.
It just feels good!

But nice people don’t do that!

Uh… yes they do. My wife and I do. I’d say we appear to be totally normal suburban parents who don’t stand out, and certainly don’t advertise what we do in the bedroom. But our sex life has always had a kinky flavor. We’ve never thought it was anything to be ashamed of. It’s just been fun, and a release, and has allowed us to get something out of playing roles we’re careful to avoid in our day-to-day marriage of equals.

The 50 Shades stuff is about giving up control and power, and allowing ourselves to let someone else be in charge… or taking charge of another person and fulfilling our own somewhat primal appetites. In this world of increasing (if not perfect) gender equality, playing unequal roles temporarily allows us to feed parts of our primitive brains that still want to take another person, or be taken and desired. Then we return to our normal power structures of equality and respect, de-stressed, happy and itches scratched.

So consider spicing things up. One of the purposes of this site is to share things to help you improve your relationship by connecting in the bedroom. If that sounds interesting, please check out our second series of posts on Bedroom Secrets: Spicing Things Up. Spice up sex life.

But for now, check out our next post in this Relationships series.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Why are we fighting?

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Your Dying Sex Life

November 3, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

A dying sex life is all too common…

Paul turns off the lights in the kids’ rooms. They’re all tucked in, bedtime stories are told, and now he has loving on his mind. It’s Saturday night, and this is probably his only opportunity for the week. He slips into the master bedroom and sees his wife Elaine propped up on a few pillows, in her threadbare but comfy cotton nightgown. Tonight she’s reading a novel; other nights she’s playing Candy Crush or watching the new episode of Scandal. Paul brushes his teeth, and then heads towards the bed.

Elaine ignores him until he’s turning the sheets back, and then she looks up at Paul with some annoyance. She knows what he wants… and she isn’t really in the mood. She knows it’s been a week since they last made love… but she’s tired, and just not feeling it. They have a boring sex life at best. But if he insists, she’ll feel guilty if she doesn’t accommodate him.

Meanwhile, Paul tries to remain positive, but he can read the body language, and already he knows he has the choice of either nicely taking the brush-off, or pushing it and getting sex with an unenthusiastic, borderline resentful partner… which is almost worse than not getting sex at all. But it’s been a week… he’s starving for sex…

If you’ve been together for a while, this may sound all too familiar. The novelty and newness is gone, one or both partners are having libido issues, and the life is just getting sucked out of the relationship.

You can barely find time for sex at all, and when you do it’s not as good as it used to be. You can feel the intimacy waning. And you don’t know what to do about it.

Your sex life is dying.

We don’t have enough time for ourselves. We don’t have enough time for each other. And unsurprisingly, we aren’t having enough sex and what sex we are having is terrible.

Even worse, for some the sex even stops all together. Perhaps it’s stress. Or no time. Or the sex got boring. Or one or the other partners lost their libido. Or the sense of intimacy in the relationship failed due to other problems in the relationship. It’s hard to feel sexy and want intimacy when you’re angry and resentful.

So, how about you?

Are relationship issues impacting your sex life?

Or, are sex life issues impacting your relationship?

Do you know why? Do you know how to fix things?

Here, I talk about relationship issues, conflict, communication, and how it’s all connected to feeling intimate with our partners and our sex lives. But I feel very strongly about one thing:

A healthy sex life is a requirement for a vibrant marriage.

And by healthy sex life, I mean one of quantity and quality that fulfills both partners, and reinforces and builds connection. You can’t get more intimate than when you have sex; pleasing your partner, them pleasing you, and letting your barriers down and making yourself vulnerable. You keep things fresh by admitting your fantasies to each other, and lovingly fulfilling those fantasies without judgment and with understanding. This kind of intimacy is nourishing, cathartic, exhilarating, and fulfilling.

But so many people are missing out. Perhaps you are one of them.

Love and sex are the greatest rewards of life. We all deserve to have someone to love, and to love us, and to have someone with whom we can let our guard down around and explore and experience our sexuality in different ways.

If you’re in a monogamous, long-term relationship, your partner is the only one you have for exploration of your sexual fantasies and get emotional fulfillment.

But in so many cases this isn’t happening. Why is this?

One or the other partner not being interested or available
Simple exhaustion and lack of time
Boredom
Health or mental challenges
Fear of a partner’s rejection for asking for new things
Concerns about being judged or doing things seem forbidden
Just not being aware of the possibilities that are out there
Lack of sexual interest in one’s partner

And of course there are traditional relationship issues; if you have those, you have another set of problems. But if you have a reasonably good marriage where the spark has just disappeared, this site and these posts can help.

This series of posts will talk about the issues that can lead to a loss of sexual desire, how you can address the, and how you can bring the spark back to your relationship.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Spice Up Your Sex Life to Increase Intimacy

Keeping The Spark Alive Index

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Unravel your Relationship Conflict Issues

November 3, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Oh crap. Another fight…

…about whatever. Yeah, it’s money, it’s stress, it’s sex, it’s who said what or didn’t do something… but it’s more than that, too.

It’s things you can’t exactly put words to.

You’ve felt the distance grow between the two of you over time. There’s no time for each other, and when you do get time, you don’t connect. It’s just ongoing relationship conflict and fighting.

You feel unfulfilled. Disconnected. And your sex life sucks, too.

You just want more.

Let’s state the obvious: Long-term relationships are hard, especially nowadays. You’re struggling with the pressures of two careers, mounting bills, a couple kids, aging parents, kids’ sports, volunteering and trying to be the perfect wife or husband. You’re stretched to the breaking point.

It’s no wonder you’re going at each other. There’s no break.

You’re not happy. Neither is your partner.

And your sex life, at best, is infrequent and not particularly satisfying.

What’s the problem? Why so much Relationship Conflict?

Why is there ongoing relationship conflict? How do you fix it? What’s missing in your life?

And how do you fix it?

This series will help you figure it all out.

This site exists to help couples improve their relationships, communication, intimacy and sex lives through useful, educational and entertaining articles and stories.

Read these posts, and when you see something that makes you say, “Aha! That’s exactly how I feel!” share the item with your partner.

Interested in what I’ll be covering? Here’s the list of the topics I’ll cover in this series:

Unravel your Relationship Conflict Issues
Your Dying Sex Life
Spice Up Your Sex Life to Increase Intimacy
Why Are We Fighting?
Relationship Issues are Everywhere
Why Relationships Cool: What You Can Do About a Dead or Dying Marriage
Nothing Can Be New Forever
Our Stressful Lives are Killing our Relationships, Intimacy and Sex Lives
Sexless and Sex-starved Marriages
Decide What’s Important. And that Includes Talking about Sex
What to Do When your Sex Life is Dying and you Don’t Feel Close Anymore
Bring Back the Spark in your Relationship with These Tips!
Marriage, Part 1: Nourish your Relationship Emotionally, Mentally and Physically
Marriage, Part 2: What is a Happy Marriage?
Marriage, Part 3: Anger, Conflict and Communication
Marriage, Part 4: Fix Relationship Anger with Communication and Compromise
Marriage, Part 5: I’m Just Not Feeling the Spark Anymore. I’m feeling Unfulfilled
Marriage, Part 6: Reconnecting Sexually in a Marriage of Equals
Reignite the Spark in your Marriage with New Bedroom Adventures
Talking About Sex with your Partner, Part 1
Talking about Sex with Your Partner, Part 2: The Checklist
Talking about sex with your Partner, Part 3: Other ideas for discussing the sensitive topic of sex
When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 1
When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 2
Falling out of Love

Ready to get going? Then let’s go!

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Your Dying Sex Life

Keeping The Spark Alive Index

My Amazon Author Page

About Matchstrike Media