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Explore Kink: Ten Spicy Sex Life Improvers for Couples!

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The world of kink is vast, limited only by the minds and interests of everyone in the world. So we aren’t going to get into everything. But, we can at least look at some of the more “mainstream” kinks that you might be interested in.

But before we do, one comment about the words “kink” and “fetish”: They suck.

Words are loaded, and those words in particular have negative emotional connotations that imply sexual deviancy and unwholesomeness. So, I’ll try to use the word “spicy” to better describe these things for folks who want to explore kink.

With that, if you want to explore kink, here are ten common ones to consider.

  1. Voyeurism – People-watching is a time-honored sport, it’s fun, especially on a date night say watching singles hook up and make out. And porn movies can count, too.
  2. Exhibitionism – Ever get aroused by the idea of someone checking you out or getting titillated seeing more of you than they probably should? There are many degrees of this, from wearing a low-cut blouse to streaking through campus.
  3. Clothing: Lingerie & Shoes – Besides looking sexy, there are a large number of people who have developed sexual attraction to certain clothing items. The variety is vast, but some men just get incredibly turned on by their women tramping it up in something revealing, others get turned on by shoes and stockings.
  4. Body Parts: Feet, hands and hair – Like clothing, some people have biologically come to associate certain body parts with sexual arousal. Straight men often respond to boobs, butts, legs and waists. But some also get turned on by feed, hands and hair. And straight women get turned on by masculine features like shoulders and waists. If there’s some way you guys can get a thrill in the bedroom with your partner by enjoying these body parts, why wouldn’t you?
  5. Bondage – Bondage has become a catch-all phrase for a lot of things, but we’ll say here that it’s tying someone up through any number of methods, in any kind of position, for sexual or non-sexual reasons. For some, it’s about the control that they have over the other person, or the demonstration of submission, that they willingly give themselves up to another person. Personally, I find that bondage is a lot of fun because when I’m done, my wife has given me total control over her, and I feel I have permission to see to my own pleasure with her like that which I don’t have otherwise. Combine this with a blindfold and other stuff, and the freedom it gives both of us is amazing.
  6. Spanking (S&M) – Spanking is one kind of sensation play, where a person spanks another person’s butt, either by hand or with a device. Other parts of the body can be flogged or paddled as well, and some folks enjoy the endorphins released that tangle up with the pleasure receptors so much they get into what’s called “heavy sensation play.” That’s not something my wife and I are interested in, but many are.
  7. Dominance and Submission – it’s just like it sounds: One person takes charge, the other gives up control. We are all wired with neural pathways for this kind of stuff, and in some cases we are leaders, in others followers, and there is a pleasure to be found in each. This kind of play takes that further, and some folks get a lot of pleasure from each role. Tie that up with sexual play, and it’s a hell of a cocktail.
  8. Oral – Okay, this seems tame compared to the other topics we’ve been talking about… but it’s not. Have you and your partner really discovered oral sex? I’m going to guess that most of us haven’t. We’ll do more posts on this later, but for now, check out She Comes First in our recommended books section.
  9. Anal – Anal has a bad rep, for a lot of obvious reasons. But I can personally attest that there is pleasure to be found in this area, for both of you. If you already know you’re interested, then go for it. If it’s not something you’ve ever considered, consider it. Check our other posts for posts tagged “anal.”
  10. Toys – Butt plugs and dildos and lube, Oh my! A clothing catalog my wife got in the mail the other day had two pages of sex toys in it. They’re everywhere. Try ‘em out. One of my stories is about a rosebud buttplug. It’s a kink, but also getting more common.

Want to learn more about what you might like? Try a checklist: you can find a post I did on checklists here.

Even better, sit down with your partner, and do a checklist together. You’ll learn a lot, it’ll be fun and exciting, and perhaps most importantly what you and your spouse are not interested in.

Plus, you’ll learn some things that your spouse might not just be willing to try, but is enthusiastic about. I remember when my wife and I did a checklist for the first time. I was stunned –and overjoyed– by some of the things my wife said she would try. “Really?? You’d do THAT?” My god, my gal… I love her.

And that is a great example of the benefits that kink can bring. That my wife is willing to admit and even do some things that would shock the neighbors makes me feel incredibly close to her, and excited, and grateful that she shares such thoughts with me. And I think the same would be true for everyone in the same situation.

Your feelings of rejection and shame

Jeremy Nicholson, M.S.W., Ph.D. writes in Psychology Today that:

There is an unfortunate misconception that fantasies, fetishes, and kink necessarily “objectify” and “distance” lovers from one another. Usually, just the opposite is true. Sharing your secret sexual cravings with a special partner can increase trust and intimacy. It is a special, private piece of yourself that you are giving to someone else.

In this world where half of all marriages end in divorce –if people even get married at all– looking into things to satisfy your own desires isn’t bad. What happens in the bedroom is your own business.

If you feel ashamed of your desires, then you owe it to yourself to ask why. Most likely, it’s expectations that you feel society, religion, family or you have for yourself. But are you subordinating your own happiness for subjective morality that you never chose for yourself? If so, then stick up for yourself. If you are feeling unhappy, unconnected and unfulfilled, that is no way to go through life. Try other things, and get a loving partner to explore them with you.

Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series:  Get Your Partner Interested in the Exhilaration of Spicy Sex and Kink

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Your Crazy Sexual Desires Don’t Make Sense. Enjoy ’em Anyway!

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Our Crazy Sexual Desires

If my wife wanted me to put on a clown costume and honk a horn in bed… well, that ain’t workin’ for me. At all. Although I apologize if that’s your kink.

But, I’d do it for her.

Honestly, what gives me the biggest thrill is her excitement. If something circus-related got her steamy and then acting something out pushed her into the explosion of a monumental orgasm… well, crap. Okay. I’ll do it.

That’s one of the secrets of kink.

We don’t always know why things turn us on, or what turns our partner on… but if it does, and fulfilling a person’s fantasy in the bedroom makes them blissfully happy and no one is getting hurt… then why the hell wouldn’t you?

The payoff is that you make your partner happy, which should make you happy. It brings you closer. There are those inscrutable brain chemicals that get released when we finally satisfy an appetite that we’ve had, especially one that doesn’t get fed often.

Those Crazy Sexual Desires Actually Aren’t So Crazy

Maybe what turns you on is being given permission to forget your normal roles and responsibilities, and giving up control.

Or, maybe the opposite, getting the chance to be the powerful person seeing to one’s own desires and hungers without thinking about everyone else for a change.

Maybe it’s embracing and rejoicing in that which you fear most in a safe, roleplay session.

Maybe it’s the combination of pain and pleasure, which get mixed up together and confused in the brain, providing a greater climax.

It could be taking on the attributes of another gender or role and having the freedom to embrace something that seems forbidden for family, cultural or values reasons, but which you find gives you a sexual charge.

Whatever it is that turns you on… it’s okay, really. As long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else and doesn’t control your life.

In the next post, we talk about specific things you and your partner might like to explore in your sex lives. We’re gettin’ to the really good stuff now!

Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series:  Explore Kink: Ten Spicy Sex Life Improvers for Couples!

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Is Bondage Wrong? Not if Wives Want a Strong Man in Bed and an Equal Partner the Rest of the Time.

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Sex Lives are Sucking.

Jen is a good girl. Good mom. Good wife. Good daughter. Good employee. She’s dedicated to everyone. Always on. Always thinking of others.

Her husband Mark is kind. Handsome. Attentive. Nice

And their sex life sucks.

They do it twice a week. Usually missionary after the kids go to sleep. Mark is gentle, loving, attentive to her needs. Usually she has a nice little orgasm, and falls asleep in Mark’s arms.

She’s bored.

Sometimes, she just wants Mark to tear off her clothes, throw her down, and fuck her hard.

Maybe even pull her hair, spank her ass.

Of course, Mark would never treat the mother of her children that way.

So, she feels empty. And sometimes a few of her girlfriends give hints of wild nights and just-the-grownups trips away, things that they do in the bedroom that she hasn’t done. They don’t seem to ask themselves, “is bondage wrong? And she feels jealous, and a bit disappointed, and even a bit angry.

But good girls don’t want to do those kind of things. Right?

Well, actually, they do.

Things are changing:  Kinky Sex is going Mainstream

50 Shades was a phenomenon, with moms and girlfriends reading and talking about having that kind of sex with that kind of focused, hungry, dominant man.

Maybe Jen secretly read the book. But she knows that in her long relationship with Mark, that he is not going to change that much. And Christian Grey in the book was a new man; she is not about to start a new romance.

But Jen is wrong.

She can have a new man, and a new relationship. And that man can be her husband. She just doesn’t get this. While there might be some barriers for Mark to overcome, he’d probably be delighted to delight his wife. And he’ll benefit, too.

First, Jen needs to decide what she wants out of this. Sex is nice, but really, she wants some adventure… and to feel desired. To feel more intimacy with her husband. And to fulfill some dark fantasies she can’t even put words to, around being… lusted for… owned… and taken.

She wants to feel that desire that Mark had for her when they were first together. And, for a time, she wants to forget her roles and responsibilities, and be free to live in that moment. She wants the freedom to revel in herself and her own pleasure, which she really can’t do with her mind buzzing with all of her other roles and responsibilities.

Mark, concurrently, really wants similar things. Besides every guy’s drive for passionate sex, he wants to rekindle the romance with his wife. He wants to feel closer, and wants her to feel closer to him. And, ultimately, because he’s a good guy, he wants to please his wife, and give her what she desires.

Mark may have to overcome conditioning about how to treat a lady… and Jen about how she should expect to be treated. But the key here is that this is just-in-the-bedroom stuff. This is fun, and temporary, and something two people that care and even love each other do, with respect and trust.

How do they do this?

Roleplay.

How to have a Roleplay Session

Before a session, Jen and Mark agree who does what, as should you. It can be hard to ask for and discuss. But if one person is playing a king or queen, and the other the servant, it puts some distance between the people who they are in day-to-day life. And allows fantasies to be fulfilled.

It can be hard to ask. Before the session, you should agree to how things begin and end, and on safewords. (Safewords are special words that are used if things get too intense… often folks use “yellow” for “slow down!” and “red” for “Stop!”)

And if it’s hard to know what to do, you can do a checklist or read some erotic stories together. Maybe you identify a few things in advance that you might like to do or try. This way, both of you know what you’re getting into. And if there’s special equipment you have to get (“Honey, where’s your hairbrush?”) you guys can get things together ahead of time. And if both people know the limits and what’s expected, that reduces stress hugely.

If both people think of it as a scene in a play, that helps lower inhibitions. You’re playing roles, not yourselves, so you can do things you might not usually be comfortable saying or doing, as “it’s the character, not me!” That provides a bit of emotional distance from asking for things you want to try but are embarrassed to ask for.

I would guess that when the person who is fulfilling the request of their partner sees how sexually excited and enthusiastic the other person gets, well, there is no better positive reinforcement than that for continuing exploring.

The benefits are the excitement, fulfillment, and intimacy. Being able to share these things with your partner brings you closer. Maybe it’s an endorphin blast to your brain that makes you feel all goofy and happy… but, scientifically, isn’t that what love is, too?

Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series:  Your Crazy Sexual Desires Don’t Make Sense. Enjoy ‘em Anyway!

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When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 2: Health and Hormone Issues

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Often, the person who won’t have sex doesn’t see it as a big deal.

But it is for the other person.

Both partners need to realize this. And need to work together to solve the issue.

Reading the comments on a Psychology Today article about whether sexless marriages justify infidelity, it seems that the person who doesn’t want to have sex often doesn’t understand their partner’s distress and unhappiness.

I read some comments on an article about sexless marriages where a woman said she was just done, and her husband needed to deal with it, and she didn’t see it as a bit issue.

But it clearly is an issue when a spouse won’t have sex. And some people have an unwillingness to admit there’s a problem, especially with them.

Sometimes, it’s simple self-centeredness.

But other times, it’s hormones.

We are share many traits with other species, particularly in the limbic system of our brain. In humans, a rational brain evolved over millions of year, but it is on top of the primal, pre-rational brain that existed for hundreds of million years before in one form or another. The primitive parts of our brain are still there, and are primarily responsible for our emotions and many of our behaviors. And sometimes what our emotions want and what our rational brain knows is good for us are two different things.

And if we have a hormonal imbalance, our sex drive can drop or disappear. Science has shown that women’s libido is directly correlated with estrogen and testosterone.

So, it’s not a stretch to say that when these levels drop, due to menopause or something else, women’s libidos tank.

These hormones are also especially sensitive to stress. When women are stressed, they produce more of the stress hormone cortisol as well as adrenaline, which has been shown in studies to depress libido.

So. One of the first things to address, beyond chronic health issues, are issues related to menopause and stress. There are things that a person can do about these, either with a physician –particularly a holistic or alternative medicine doctor– or mental health professional.

But, let’s say something that isn’t said often: the person who is suffering from these issues often do not feel they have an issue, and have no desire to have them addressed. Even if their spouse is suffering, and their marriage is suffering, mentally they feel that the other person is over-reacting and should just let it go. Sex, they feel, should not be the basis of a marriage, as a marriage is more than just sex.

One one hand, yes, that’s true.

On the other hand, sex is part of marriage. Part of the implied contract is that both spouses will remain faithful. But, this also presupposes that the couple is having sex, and adequate sex. When one person can’t or won’t have sex, that marriage contract is being broken, although perhaps unintentionally.

If your partner won’t agree that lack of sex is an issue, then you need to get marriage counseling to help you work through the issue.

Marriage Counseling

My wife and I have had our issues.

Everyone does.

We’ve been fortunate, though, that they haven’t been serious issues compared to others. No alcohol or substance addictions. No abuse, physical or otherwise. No infidelity or affairs. No growing apart or significant issues with anger or resentment.

But, we have had our issues. Often they’re around expectations, lack of communication, or things we never talked about around how we want to live our lives.

By far, the biggest issue for me was been when our sex life withered on the vine.

We were having an increasing number of disagreements and fights. We didn’t feel as close. We didn’t spend quality time together. And it worked out time after time that she won’t have sex.

And although rationally I knew it wasn’t her fault, seething below the surface I was angry that I wasn’t getting sex. That she wasn’t making herself available to me. That she didn’t want me. That she didn’t care about me. That she rejected me when I did ask. That, my subconscious insisted, she didn’t really love me.

And on top of that, she was irritable, anxious, depressed and defensive as a result of her condition. Our fights were the worst of our marriage… and often, I had no idea where they came from or even what they were really about. And she’s always had the ability to go on the offense when she felt defensive. Our fights never went well for me.

During one of our fights, I can’t even remember about what, I said that maybe we needed marriage counseling.

Oddly, that cooled her off. Although I did frame it as it being to help me understand all the things I was doing wrong so I could be a better husband.

But to her mind, it showed that I did want to be married to her, and I did want to work things out.

And somehow, that right there triggered me to really immerse myself in her health issues, as I realized that I really needed to get those solved first, before there was any point in addressing other relationship issues.

Plus, frankly, I had read enough to suspect that if I could get her health issues addressed, her libido should return. And that should go a long way towards fixing the tension between us.

And it has.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Fallen out of Love

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When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 1: The No Sex Marriage

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When you got married, or when you started your relationship, you probably didn’t talk much about how much sex to have. You were probably too busy having sex, and just made the assumption that things would be fine.

But then, years passed. In our case, about fifteen. We had kids. We got hit with aging parents who needed our attention. And then all the crap involved in raising kids really took off with sports and extracurricular activities.

Plus, we’re in our forties now, not our twenties.

Our sex life fell off.

It fell off gradually, but measurably, with each kid, and with each life event. Until it got to the point where we were sometimes going a month or more without having sex.

Once a month may seem better than nothing, but as I looked into it online, I found we fit the definition of a no sex marriage, or sexless marriage.

Talking with other people online, this is pretty common. And understandable. But it sucks for lots of reasons.

Complicating Issues: Health

We also had another issue that we really needed to solve before anything else: her increasing health issues. These issues caused her to be constantly exhausted, unable to lose weight pounds no matter how carefully she ate and exercised, unable to sleep, constipated and irritable and in a bad mental frame of mind most of the time. She really was a trooper and did her best, but by the time we got alone time at night or on the weekends, she was just too wiped for much. And, to add insult to injury, her condition also took out her libido.

It really, really sucked.

It wasn’t her fault, and I kept that in mind. But it finally got to the point where it was impacting our marriage such that I had to get involved since her doctors weren’t able to help her. With research, I found there were alternative treatments to which the medical establishment was hostile… and which had a long track record of success, and didn’t require expensive pharmaceutical drugs. I took the time to really research and learn everything I could, then approached my wife and our PCP with the facts and evidence, and she agreed to try the new treatment plan, thankfully. In less than a month, I had my old wife back.

So, the moral of that sub-story is to take things into your own hands if you need to. And before you can solve any other issues, you have to solve any underlying health issues first.

No sex when there aren’t health issues

In other posts I’ve said what I truly believe: a healthy sex life is absolutely critical for a healthy relationship.

Sex is the most intimate thing that two people can do together. You open yourself up, trust the other person, and please the other person. If all goes well, you both can admit the things you like and do them for each other, without judgment, because it makes the other person happy.

Guys need sex

Yes, women need sex, too. And some guys don’t need sex. But most of us do, and we feel the lack more than women seem to when we don’t get it.

Bus I have also noticed something else that I don’t think women often don’t understand.

Beyond the fact that guys want and need sex to feel loved, there is also a rush of endorphins or other brain chemicals from the limbic system when certain thresholds are crossed. It may be equivalent to the rush women feel when a man says, “I love you” or opens up his soul.

For me, I have felt rushes of overwhelming love for my wife the first time we have tried new sexual things, or when she admitted she wanted to try some forbidden sexual thing, or would be willing to do some other sexual thing with me.

It is a material demonstration of her love for me and trust for me. Those are pinnacle moments of my life that I’ll always remember, when I feel completely loved and fulfilled. And it doesn’t just need to be some new act of sexual adventure; it can be something that we’ve done before, that she asks me for, but clearly wants.

I think there’s something deep and primal in our souls that hungers this moment, where there is no doubt that we as men are wanted, desired, and trusted with the secrets of our woman’s soul, proof that our women want to have sex with us in a primal way, all walls down.

And the bath of brain chemicals that surges through my body is amazing in those moments, and washes away all previous cares and previous frictions. It energizes and fulfills me deeply. I’m connected. Actualized. Fulfilled. And I never feel closer to my woman than in those moments.

I don’t need that kind of sex all the time. Maybe not even often. But I need it. And when I don’t ever get that kind of sex, it’s an issue.

And the same thing is true for women.

And if you’re in a no sex marriage, you’re not getting it.

When the frequency and quality of the sex decreases, that’s another issue.

I don’t want sex every day. Given our current crazy schedules, I don’t even want it every other day. But twice a week would be good. I’ll settle for once a week.

When it gets less than once a week… it’s an issue. Maybe it’s not my wife’s fault, but I’m not getting satisfaction.

Then, if the quality of what sex we do have drops to the bare minimum… the issue goes from big to huge. No one enjoys having sex with someone who doesn’t want to be there.

When sex stops… marriages end. Whether it’s the male or female partner who doesn’t want to have sex, the other partner feels rejected and lost. And their needs are unfulfilled. Maybe some folks hang in there, for various reasons. But it’s no longer a marriage if there’s no sex.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 2: Health and Hormone Issues

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Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 2: The Spicy Sex Checklist

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Let’s say that your partner has agreed to up their game and try new things. And you might have an idea of things that you want to do right away.

However, those things may be way too much for your spouse first thing. Likewise, there might be some things your spouse might be open to, that you’re not ready for.

What to do?

Thanks to the Internet, the answer is simple, and accessible.

Sit down one night, and go through a sexual checklist.

There are lots of them out there. Below, I’ve provided links to three. The first is a lot less likely to freak your spouse out if they’re a bit sheltered. The second checklist gets into more adventurous stuff. And the last checklist is a complete and detailed lists of activities you may never have heard of. You might have to Google some of the terms. I did.

But the idea is to go through the list together, and to see which items you each might want to try… and even better, find a few that you’re both enthusiastic about trying. That is a great place to start.

Basic Spicy Sex Checklist

Intermediate Spicy Sex Checklist

Whoa! Crazy Kinky Spicy Sex Checklist

You can look through these, and copy and paste just the sections you want to review with your partner. And you can even tell them there’s more for another time.

And of course, there are plenty of books out there on all kinds of sexual topics, and you can order them online so you don’t have to be embarrassed at the bookstore checkout line. The disadvantage is that shoving a book at your partner with a request that they read it has a low probability of them actually reading. In my opinion, you’re better off with a finite task you do together.

Plus… if you do it right, it should be fun! It will certainly be educational. I will always remember going through a similar list with my wife a decade or so back. I think my jaw dropped. “You want to do that?? Uh… okay!!! I’ll do it!”

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 3: Other Ideas for Discussing The Sensitive Topic of Spicy Sex

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Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 1

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Know what you’re asking for

So… you have an idea of how you want to spice things up in the bedroom. Maybe you…

  • Read 50 Shades, and got turned on by the focus, assertiveness and masculinity of Mr. Gray…
  • Saw an article in Cosmo that gave you the idea to try something you’d never have considered before…
  • Heard of the guys at the bar mention that his new girlfriend is crazy for anal…
  • Saw a commercial on TV for a hotel with a heart-shaped tub…
  • Want to visit a Gentleman’s Club in Vegas…
  • Want to experiment with toys, bondage, or spanking?

And now… you’re terrified to bring the subject up with your spouse.

But getting the sex you want requires discussing your desires with your partner. Even if it’s hard.

If you don’t ask, the answer is always “No.”

On the plus side, at least you know what turns you on.

So, if you want it, you have to ask for it. Your spouse can’t read your mind.

But… maybe you’re afraid of being rejected?

Well, if you don’t ask, you’ll always be rejected. And remember, timing is everything.

Or, it may be a case that you’re just embarrassed, or afraid of being judged.

But gals, trust me, in most cases men will be delighted to try anything sexual you’d like to explore. Heck, we’ll be incredibly grateful you told us, and trusted us… and will feel closer to you for your just asking!

And the same might go for guys talking to their partners, as well.

If afraid your straight-and-narrow partner might reject you, then think of how to introduce the idea to them in a non-threatening way.

Sometimes, just the right tone of voice goes a long way.

Saying lightly, “Ya know, I’ve always kinda wanted to try that. Ha ha! Isn’t that crazy? But it turns me on.” You didn’t ask or push her for whatever it might be, and at worst, they might say no way, Jose. But there’s a chance they might say yes.

If she says no, it raises the opportunity to ask, again in a non-threatening way, “Really? Why wouldn’t you do that?” She might raise legitimate concerns and objections… and chances are, they’re more about her and how she’s afraid you might view her if she did that thing, than anything having to do with you. But it gives you the chance to start the discussion, and maybe you can convince her to give it a try some time.

And, again, if you don’t ask, then the answer is always, “No.”

So, talking is always the first thing to do. But timing is everything. Perhaps after the kids are asleep on a Saturday, in front of the fire, with a bottle of wine.

And see what you can find out that they might like to try, too.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 2: The Checklist

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Reignite the Spark in your Marriage with New Bedroom Adventures

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Bedroom Adventures

Everybody and their mother is saying you have to spice stuff up in the bedroom nowadays. (“Ewww… Mom, stop!”)

But just because everyone is saying something, it doesn’t mean you should do it. There’s the wisdom of the crowd, and then there’s the herd.

But to me, the question one should always ask is, “Why.” Why should you spice up your sex life?

Well, given the stresses that we’re all under, and how those of us in long-term relationships find that over time the newness fades, leading to us feeling disconnected from our partners, unsatisfied, and like you just want “more” than we’re getting, a little sexual adventurousness could be just the ticket.

Partners are expected to be a hell of a lot nowadays…

In your marriage, you need your partner to not just be a good husband or wife, but also to:

  • Be a good parent
  • Be a friend
  • Be a provider or co-provider
  • Give you emotional support
  • Hold you accountable
  • Keep up the house
  • Support your goals
  • Support your personal growth
  • Fulfill your sexual needs
  • And so many other things…

When you have to be all these things to each other, it is easy to lose the connection between the two of you. In the rush of things, time for each other, and time for enjoyable, connecting sex falls off the list.

But if you aren’t feeling connected to your partner, or feeling emotionally or sexually unfulfilled, then improving your sex life can go a long way to improving your overall relationship.

Both men and women need sex. But men seem to feel more of a sense of loss and resentment when they don’t have sex, or the sex isn’t frequent or good enough.

But I believe incredibly strongly that sex is a fundamental part of any healthy marriage. It relieves stress, has meditative and cathartic benefits, and brings a couple closer together, wiping out irritants and hurt feelings… or at least puts you in a state of mind where you can talk about things and even let them go.

There’s no lack of things to try: in popular culture there’s an onslaught on everything from about 50 Shades, cougars, high-end dildos and vibrators, swing parties, Viagra, couples porn, sex furniture, cuckolding, and Cosmo giving tips on anal sex. And that’s just on your first page of search results for Tuna Casserole recipes!

Personally, I’m all for whatever drives your zamboni. Within reason of course: nothing that hurts another person, is non-consensual, or causes mental or emotional trauma to others. But, if you get off on draping yourself in velvet, go for it. (Extra points for those who get the pop culture reference!)

But let’s be realistic: just throwing sexual stuff at a relationship is not going to make it better if you have significant issues.

But if it’s “just” a matter of needing to get out of a rut, reconnect sexually and emotionally, and reigniting your passion for your partner, it’s a great thing to do.

There are two terrific reasons to spice up your sex life. The first is to feel closer. The other is to keep things fresh and new and exciting, which is really important to feeling connected. These are related items. But not the same.

So, are you feeling unfulfilled in your relationship or sex life?

Spice things up!  How? Check out the next series, Spicing Things Up.

Embarrassed or afraid to bring up the subject with your partner? See my next post.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 1

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Marriage, Part 6: Reconnecting Sexually in a Marriage of Equals

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There are things that make us attractive to each other.  Even if your marriage has never been one of sweaty bunched-up bedsheets every night, it is the sexual desire and connection that makes a marriage a marriage.

Oh, sure, you can love each other, but if you’re not having any kind of sexual relationship, or at least not a satisfying one, then you’re just roommates. Maybe great roommates, with a marriage contract and a shared purpose, but we are built to form pairs based on sex and reproduction. What keeps us together is that sexual energy and connection. It’s the payoff for dirty diapers and long hours at work.

And if you’ve lost that connection then you have problems that need to be fixed.

Reconnecting Sexually

Assuming that your partner hasn’t grown a tail or changed in some way that makes them physically unattractive to you, and that there are no health issues contributing, then what other reasons could there be for your lack of sexual desire for your spouse, or your spouse in you?

We have already talked about anger and conflict. If you do not have that issue, or are working on it, and there is still a lack of interest, what else could it be?

Today, for most, marriage is a partnership of equals, and that’s probably your default mode. That’s the marriage I have. I wouldn’t trade it, especially given that I was raised by a feminist mother, and consider myself a feminist, too.

But, understand that below our rational, egalitarian goals, there are primitive sexual roles and desires that want and need to be fed.

Women respond to masculinity. This is not sexist to say: it’s biological. In the bedroom, women want men to be men. Because in our evolutionary past, it is the masculine features that kept women safe and provided a good and safe home for her and her children. Even today, women still respond to men in jobs that are still considered masculine: police, firefighters, soldiers, cowboys. They may not appreciate sexism, but they know these are men who can protect them if they need them to.

Women also respond to men who are physically in good shape. Ask yourself, who’s more attractive: a guy who spends all day at a desk eating junk food, or the guy who takes care of himself? You can be a programmer or have any other kind of nerdy job that pays well, but still take care of yourself.

And women are attracted to men who have confidence, who are competent and who are assertive. Not blowhards or dictators, but men who are leaders by the content of their character and because they can get the job done. If they demonstrate these traits, and if what they want is the woman in question… it’s a turn on to that woman.

In this era of equality, where men seek consensus and agreement in decisions, or even just generally defer to their woman’s preferences, this saps some of the desire from women, seeing their men as equals, not as leaders. It ain’t fair. But it’s true.

And there was a story in the New York Times recently, about how men doing domestic chores around the house can make them seem less manly… and thus, less sexually desirable to their wives. For example, a woman gets upset that the man didn’t vacuum exactly the way that the woman likes. The combination of him doing “feminine” chores with her being more “in charge” and directing him to do things, and then “correcting” him in a way that makes her dominant torpedoes a woman’s libido for her man, especially when repeated over and over in lots of different little ways.

So, men: maintain your manliness. Don’t let yourselves slide, and don’t allow yourselves to get totally domesticated.

And women: you know that your men want sex. Know that if you push us into roles that cause us to be seen as less manly in the name of equality, there can be an effect on your marriage, intimacy and sex life.

My advice? If you can afford it, get a housekeeper. Men, sacrifice something to pay for it you need to. Don’t be seen as doing feminine jobs. Just do the things that are perceived as manly by your woman.

Women, leave the manly things around your house to your guy, and either do the feminine ones yourself, or get help. Also recognize that guys often aren’t nearly as particular about their homes being just-so, and demanding he meet your standards can have a negative impact. Don’t order or nag. Nothing is less sexy or more emasculating. If you have something you want us to do, ask for it clearly and explain why you want it. If you detect hesitancy, ask if it’s not okay. Then we can discuss it. And if we want to discuss it, don’t get angry. If we have a marriage of equals, then you need to treat us as equals, not the help or as children who aren’t doing simple things the way you expect.

In the bedroom

Guys, if nowhere else, this is the place to be manly. Take charge, and take control. If your feminist girl objects, tell her firmly that you’d like to try an experiment. First, in your nice, we’re equal voice, look her in the eye and say to her, “Honey, I’d like to have sex.” Then, in your deep, masculine voice, look her in the eye, say, “I want you. Now. Get your clothes off.” Then stop. And ask her which one she preferred. She may be surprised when she admits that the second choice was much hotter to her. This should open the door to your being more assertive and demanding in bed, and you should see both her desire increase, as well as your intimacy. And your happiness.

Gals, if you’re reading the above, think about it. Which would you prefer? Which makes your temperature rise? If it’s the first answer, I’d like to know. For some women, maybe it probably is the first option. And that’s fine. But for most, it is first option.

And this is not an attack on feminism. I am totally for gender equality. But if there are side-effects that are killing desire in the bedroom and keeping me from getting sex that I need –and threatens the viability of our long-term relationship– then that’s an issue that needs to be addressed.

But let’s just say it again: a healthy relationship includes a healthy sex life. And by healthy, I mean one that is of a frequency and intensity that creates connection and intimacy between two people. It makes everything else better, eliminates stress, and makes people feel more connected and able to communicate better about other frictions.

Other nourishing things

  • Spend time apart – absence really does make the heart grow fonder. And libidos rise.
  • Women, be feminine in response to our manliness. It’s not a bad thing.
  • Try new things, both in your relationship, lives and in the bedroom.
  • Go on dates.
  • Laugh together.
  • Don’t get in ruts.
  • TALK.
  • Read erotic stories together. (Get your free erotic story in my library!)
  • Surprise each other!

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Reignite the Spark in your Marriage with New Bedroom Adventures

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Marriage, Part 4: Fix Relationship Anger with Communication and Compromise

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I once worked with a highly-competent woman of impressive accomplishments and bearing. She was a former military officer and graduate of one of the US Military Academies. She had, in many ways, been dealt a good hand in life. She had a job she felt was important, was well compensated, and spent her weeks traveling to see clients and consulting with Fortune 500 Executives.

As her 10th Anniversary approached, she asked her husband what he wanted.

“A divorce,” he responded.

She was shocked, and devastated. But that was a stellar example of where unresolved conflict, seething anger and a total lack of communication –as well as an understanding that anything was even wrong—led to a divorce.

Relationship fixes

If we are married, we can’t let things get to that point.

We are partners. We need to have discussions about what our priorities are, and also how to communicate and talk. Anger can’t be bottled up and ignored. We need to look to our own happiness, and that of our partner’s, and we need to talk about it and work together to make sure we each are getting what we need.

We need to nourish each other. Because, if we’re in a long-term monogamous relationship, we have no one else who can nourish us in some many ways.

We need to clearly understand what’s a must-have, and a nice-to-have, both for ourselves and for our partner. And we need to make sure we each get what we need to be happy, as best we can.

Marriage is not just about compromise. Sometimes, it’s about giving, selflessly.

I have a couple college buddies who are my closest friends. When we get together, it’s joyful, fun, good for my soul. My wife wants me to see them, but she absolutely cannot stand any of their wives, for various reasons.

So, once or twice a year, I see one or more of them for a boy’s weekend, sometimes with our sons. I get what I need, and my wife avoids a weekend of misery. We’re all winners. And when I get home, I treat her like a queen, grateful to her for giving me something I value so much.

My wife feels she’s giving selflessly, letting me go away a couple times a year. Me, I feel more like we reached a compromise, where we’re both winners. Whatever the case, it’s worked out well.

And when she’s insistent that she wants a new couch, or volunteers me to work at the school carnival, I make every effort to give her what she wants.

My personal philosophy is that if your spouse really wants something, let them have it, within reason, and as long as things are roughly (but not obsessively) equitable. We’re partners, and I want to make her happy.

In a good relationship, we should both want the other person to be happy. If my wife really wants me to take out the trash every night, or get the kids fed and out the door in the mornings, or listen to her intently as she talks about her day, I will do my best in each case. (Although I admit I totally blow at the last item.) I could put a altruistic spin on it, and say that her happiness is important to me, and it is… but I’ll also admit that selfishly, her unhappiness directly impacts me as well.

But –and this is a critical point– I have to be careful. If I do everything she wants all the time, and subordinate my wants and needs to hers all the time, then our marriage is no longer equal: it’s the opposite, with her dominant. And there are significant negatives to that we’ll discuss in the next post.

Also, doing whatever she wants can become expected… and thus no longer appreciated. So, I have to be firm and say no sometimes, which can lead to a fight. While it’s important to me to make her happy, I also need to remember that she needs to be fair and reasonable. And that certainly goes both ways.

The barometer of a healthy marriage: Sex

When you’re angry with your partner, do you want to have sex? Probably not. You’re too hurt, or you deliberately shun your partner to punish them. You don’t feel sexy, or in the mood, or you look at your partner, and just see the person that wronged you. Feeling negative towards your partner, perhaps you notice other things about them that you don’t like as well.

So, how’s your sex life? Are you having much sex? Or are anger and other issues getting in the way?

Sex increases your intimacy, brings you closer to each other, or that makes each of you feel loved. It’s sex where you’re doing things to each other, and for yourself, rather than for each other. Maybe it will clear the emotions and afterwards you can talk openly, and if so, well, maybe that’s okay.

If you’re so upset with each other that you can’t have sex, you need to talk. Defuse some of the anger. And I would suggest that as soon as you can, you get together sexually. There is no more intimate act than sex.

Sex is a critical part of marriage and relationships, and makes both people feel loved and accepted.

As such, it’s a vital part of nourishing a relationship.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Marriage, Part 5:  I’m Just Not Feeling the Spark Anymore. I’m feeling Unfulfilled.

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Marriage, Part 2: What is a Happy Marriage?

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Maybe when you read Part 1 on Marriage, you thought, “Yeah, yeah. People can get out of marriages, and do if they’re not happy. Got it. And you think marriage is great, yada, yada. Great. Well, my marriage isn’t so great. What’s this nonsense about nourishing it, already?

Well, let’s say there are three states of marriage:

  • Happy,
  • Unhappy and
  • one with Warning Signs.

Let me ask you: What are the signs of a happy marriage?

Take a moment and think about it before you read on.

Okay, ready? Here’s my list. See how much you overlap.

The Signs of a Happy Marriage

  1. You’re not unhappy. Okay, it’s answering the question with the question. But it’s true.
  2. You feel you have a shared purpose and are working together to get there.
  3. You look forward to spending time with each other.
  4. You listen to each other.
  5. You do things for each other to make each other happy.
  6. You hold hands.
  7. When you disagree, you try not to get upset, you try to find a way to work things out.
  8. Your arguments focus more on understanding each other than proving who’s right.
  9. You don’t always have to agree, you respect your differences.
  10. You encourage each other to have your own interests, friends and hobbies.
  11. Your sex life is good in both quality and quantity.
  12. You say “I love you.”
  13. You are interested in each other.
  14. You are proud to be married to each other.
  15. You make time for each other.
  16. You talk about what’s important to each other, and make sure each person is getting what they need.

What does an unhappy marriage look like? Well, just take the opposites of the list above.

And a marriage with Warning Signs? Every case is different, but let’s say it’s that you can’t say yes to all of the above.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Marriage, Part 3: Anger, Conflict and Communication

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Bring Back the Spark in your Relationship with These Tips!

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To feel like having sex, a woman needs to feel loved. To feel loved, a man needs to have sex.

In the past 50 years, gender roles have been reinvented, with women following career paths outside the home and becoming breadwinners. Meanwhile, men are taking on more domestic duties, sharing childrearing, and even giving up careers in favor of their wives’ careers.

On one hand, women like and demand this equality.

On the other hand, somewhere in the subconscious, this can make women less interested in having sex, as recently reported in the New York Times. Deep down inside, most women want their men to be manly, and seeing their men being domestic can temper their sexual interest.

It’s a Catch-22 for men, or at least those who wish to try to live by new egalitarian expectations.

And it’s not one that can be cured by being nicer, bringing more flowers and gifts, or doing more around the house to help take more stress off our wives.

How do we bring back the spark, improve intimacy and build closeness?

Sex is part of it. If you aren’t having a satisfying sex life, neither partner is feeling good. Intimacy is down. And it flows through to the rest of your relationship.

We all have different aspects of ourselves that we need to nourish. If we are out of balance, with some parts of ourselves being unsatisfied, it ripples through to the rest of lives and our relationships.

Let’s use a bad analogy. Let’s suppose we’re a tree. (Admittedly, sometimes us guys are difficult to distinguish from plant life.)  To thrive, we need water, soil, air, and sunlight. We also need warm weather and to not be in the path of a bulldozer. If all of those conditions are met, we’re pretty happy flora, doing our thing, photosynthesizing, adding rings, providing shade, maybe giving off fruit.

But, if aren’t getting what we need, we can wither and die, sometimes very quickly.

Our relationships are the same.

If we’re getting love, affection, emotional support, shared purpose, appreciation, the satisfaction of a mutually rewarding relationship, as well as regular and good sex, then we’re probably doing pretty well.

But, if we’re missing some or all of these things, we are under stress.

If we’ve built up goodwill in our relationship, then a bad day now and then happens and is no big deal. But repeated bad days that turn into bad weeks, months and years can lead to the end of a relationship.

If our spouse doesn’t appreciate us, or we just feel that way, maybe we stop giving appreciation back. We stop talking. Little resentments build up, and silence grows.

Negative feedback loops build.

Relationships wither. Intimacy ends. Sex stops. And maybe the marriage implodes.

So what’s the answer?

The answer, simply, is that to bring back the spark we all need to look at the different aspects of our relationships constantly, and do the work that’s required to keep things healthy.

And, as hard as it may be, sometimes we have to have hard talks.

We have to communicate.

If something is bothering you, or your spouse, you have to talk about it.

Personally, I hate conflict.

I also hate talking about my feelings and emotions. But we have to.

We have to talk about our expectations. So often, we never do.

We also have to talk about how we talk

Sometimes, my wife might tell me, not so nicely, “pick that up and put it in the trashcan.”

This causes a waterfall of thoughts and emotions in me.

To her, it’s just a reasonable, instinctual request to me to keep our home looking clean, that of course I’d just do.

To me, it’s an affront to my primitive brain and manhood. I feel like she’s ordering me around, and implying that I’m an idiot, irresponsible and uncaring. If I say something, she’ll also feel I’m unreasonable, oversensitive and a jerk. To her, it was a simple request. Me, I saw it as an order. And I am not her subordinate to be ordered around.

But we can work it out; I can explain how it made me feel, and why, and next time, she’ll instead say, “Could you remember to throw that in the trashcan when you’re done? You know how clutter drives me crazy.” She makes it a request, and explains why she it’s important to her. It’s no longer just an order.

We’ve had plenty of conversations just like that. Honestly, they’re not always easy and can trigger emotions. And I hate talking about how it makes me “feel.” It seems wussy. But afterwards, we understand each other better, we proved we care and respect each other enough to have the conversation… and we both get what we want.

Therapists say that preceding such discussions with “I feel…” takes a lot of the threat out of statements in such discussions, by making it clear it’s the speaker’s perceptions and emotions being discussed, not the actual behavior of the other person. This makes things less confrontational, and if not always easier, at least helps.

And another thing couples should talk about it sex. How much. How often. How adventurous… and if there’s an issue, how to fix any issues. If you missed my earlier post on that topic, you can find it here.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Marriage, Part 1: Nourish your Relationship Emotionally, Mentally and Physically

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What to Do When your Sex Life is Dying and you Don’t Feel Close Anymore

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“I’m bored in our marriage.”

“I don’t feel close to my spouse any more.”

“Our sex life has fizzled.”

Have you heard these, or maybe said them yourself?

If you have, you’re in good company.

Actually, if you’re married, it’s almost inevitable that at some point, you’ll say one, some or all of these things yourself.

Being married is hard. Raising a family is exhausting. And making a living is often thankless and stressful.

Then, trying to maintain the spark and intimacy with your spouse on top of everything else?

It’s near impossible, especially when you consider that everything has cycles, including long-term relationships. There comes a point where things aren’t “new,” anymore, where you know each other as well as two people can, and all the other responsibilities have pushed “time for each other and good sex” way down the list, if you can get to it at all.

It sucks. But this is life in the 21st Century.

But All is Not Lost

If you’re reading this blog or just found this post, you’re probably looking for answers to what you can do about declining libidos and intimacy, to bring back the romance and excitement. Maybe you’re just looking to spice things up, maybe you’re looking to reignite the spark in your marriage, or maybe you’re trying to introduce new ideas, both sexual and non-sexual, to your spouse.

Again, whatever the case, you’re in good company.

And just buying some sexy underwear or a toy is not going to be the magic wand. Well, maybe the toy you buy is a Magic Wand (highly recommended!), but you know what I mean. Any fix is more in your understanding of each other and your relationship, not in adding a Band Aid.

Every person and every relationship is different, but when the “newness” and adventure disappears from relationships, things go off track.

Also, people and relationships change and evolve over time. The Marlboro Man that made his lady swoon doesn’t seem quite as desirable when he’s splitting diaper duty, going to a cubicle job, volunteering to rub tired feet and doing all the things that make him a good husband… but not the manly, dangerous lover he was when the couple first met.

Ester Perel said it very well in her TED talk: The security, safety and comfort that we want in a long-term relationship is death to our sexual desire, which craves newness, novelty and unpredictability.

She recommends several things in keeping desire alive:

1. Make space for the erotic:

* Have a lot of privacy

* Make erotic space: time when you are just being, and are not being responsible

* Prevent distractions

2. Remember that foreplay starts long before the love making

3. Keep realistic expectations

* Things ebb and flow

* Spontaneity is a myth

* Relationship issues are not equal to bad sex

This is great advice.

But there’s more to it.

My next post provides more insight about what’s going on, how genders view things differently, and gives suggestions of things you can do to resolve conflict, communicate better, and keep the spark alive in your relationship and sex life.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Bring Back the Spark in your Relationship with These Tips!

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Decide What’s Important. And that Includes Talking about Sex.

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Prioritizing Sex

I don’t know how many couples have really sat down and decide what’s important, and what’s not.

I would guess that most haven’t.

But there are systems out there to help you work this out. The Franklin Covey system is one, which I’ve had good luck in really considering my roles, which are important, and making sure that I pay attention to each of my roles to the best of my ability.

Some roles, like being a volunteer, has had to be put aside for a decade.

Others, like being a good husband and father, are at the top of the list all the time. And making a daily and weekly list of what’s important in those roles each week helps me say “no” to other things.

Nothing is perfect; sometimes I still can’t do the things I want to do. But if I am aware of my priorities and goals, then I can make better choices every day to get closer to them, and I find it powerfully calming that I know I’m working on the most important things every day.

If you don’t have a plan, then you’ll just be buffeted by each strong breeze of other people’s wants.

And if addressing issues in your relationship and sex life is a priority, make sure you make it one.

Sex is a Priority, too

Couples often don’t like to talk about their sex lives. They are afraid of hurt feelings, negative reactions, and confronting their own faults and inadequacies. Plus, there is the fear of being judged or rejected for mental, emotional or moral reasons if they were to talk about their own desires. Sometimes, one or both people can’t even put words to their desires and dissatisfaction

That being said, you need to talk about your sex life.

If you want sex every day, and your spouse is happy with sex every other Leap Year, you need to talk. Maybe you can come to an agreement you can both live with.

Perhaps you’ve always wanted to have sex swinging from a chandelier. Well, if you don’t talk about it, then it’s never going to happen. Maybe your partner is afraid of heights. Or maybe they’ll think it’s a grand idea.

And while the world of sexual interests can be wrought with landmines, I will go out on a limb and say that in my opinion, your sexual interests are fine and normal, and you shouldn’t hesitate to discuss them with your spouse. If you’re in a permanent, monogamous relationship, then the only way you’re going to get your needs met is through your spouse.

And in a healthy relationship, your spouse should want to make you happy. As you should want to make your partner happy in return.

Scheduling Sex

Sex should be spontaneous, exciting and adventurous.

But let’s get real.

It’s often not.

And “should” is a loaded, unrealistic word anyway.

Most of us are too busy, stressed and exhausted to have a lot of sex like that. We wish we did. And perhaps we used to. But when the baby is crying and needs a diaper change, or when mom calls and dad has fallen and is on his way to the hospital with a shattered pelvis, well the furry handcuffs aren’t coming out tonight.

So, given that spontaneous sex isn’t as much of an option as it used to be, but both partners agree that sex is both important and something they want, then a standing sex date might be the answer. One or two nights a week (or mornings, or whatever works), put nookie on the calendar. Both partners agree that they will show up if at all possible, put other concerns aside and do their best to relax, have fun, and connect..

And the secret sauce? Your imaginations. Think of things to inspire and excite your partner when you do get together. A story. A character. An outfit. Or maybe something ordered out of the back of a magazine. The key is to show your partner you were thinking about them and both of you as a couple.

And remember: sex is one of the best antidotes for stress and is critical for maintaining connection and intimacy.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: What to Do When your Sex Life is Dying and you Don’t Feel Close Anymore

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Sex-starved and Sexless Marriages

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Some things just don’t get done every day in our crazy lives. Our top priorities are our jobs, kids, parents, and other obligations. If we’re lucky, we try to make time for the gym and all the other little errands that come up.

Often, very important things get pushed off the list, especially our relationship and sex.

Relationships require maintenance.

If the two people in the relationship aren’t spending time together enjoying each other’s company, then is it still a relationship? For a while it will be, but at some point, it just becomes two people living together, disconnected, with separate lives and interests. We’ve all see that happen. Maybe for some people that’s okay. But I believe that your life with your partner is the greatest relationship either of you will and should ever have, and you should make it a priority. And you know what to do. It can be anything from just taking walks together to a weekend away. But you need to take the time you need to keep connected and with enough time to appreciate your spouse.

And sex… sex is not just a checkbox. It’s a time for a couple to connect, explore, relax and recharge. Is that kind of sex getting pushed off your list of priorities as a couple? If so, you’re not alone. But how does your spouse feel about it? And how do you feel about it? You need to make sex a priority.

“It’s not a priority to me.”

Recently I saw the topic of sexless marriages being discussed on an online discussion board, and one gentleman, clearly distraught, bemoaned, “I come fourth on her list of priorities. Fourth! The fucking dogs come before me!”

I had to laugh, but I totally understood what he was saying.

I’m not sure what #1 and #2 were, but I’d guess that they are the kids and her job. I know, because I sometimes feel that way about where my wife’s priorities are. And if we had dogs, I suspect I’d often be #4 as well.

And I’ve struggled over time with this.

Sex is such a priority to me. And to be brutally honest, sex is the reason I do much of what I do. I work my ass off to provide a good home and lifestyle for our family… so that my wife will have sex with me.

When she doesn’t see it as a priority, well… to say my feelings are hurt can sometimes be an understatement.

But rationally, I understand she’s exhausted, stressed, often doesn’t feel well, and doesn’t prioritize sex as high as I do. The stresses she’s under are exhausting: her job, being a mom of three kids, helping her aging parents, and then all the household chores that pile up quickly (sometimes literally), from laundry to an uncluttered living room. Then she also volunteers at church and school, and does a hell of a lot beyond that.

I understand her stress. Hell, I even want her to do all those things.

But. I want her to save something for me.

Especially when I do a lot for her, to try to make her life easier, from nightly foot and shoulder rubs to all the household crap I do to all the stuff I do for the kids and our family.

And have I mentioned that my job is a high-stress, high-responsibility killer of a job? I bust my ass to leave there on time at night to be a good husband and father.

Then, she’s too tired for sex more than once every week or two… and then only wants to do the bare minimum when we do get time together.

Yeah, that really sucks.

Then there are Health Issues, too

In my case, my wife also has health issues. All women get screwed when it comes to their cycles and their periods, especially if it comes with migraines and cysts and a long list of other stuff guys don’t need to deal with. But in our case, my gal is the lucky winner of some additional endocrine issues, which leave her exhausted and feeling crappy all the time.

And, as time has gone on, her libido has tanked. Which isn’t her fault. I want her to feel well, because I love her. But I also want her to be interested in having sex with me. So, getting her health issues addressed is a high priority for me.

If you or your spouse is having health issues that are impacting your relationship, you have a responsibility to yourself and your spouse to get them addressed.

And I can attest that such issues can be tricky. As I’ve gotten deeper into the workings of the endocrine system, I’ve found it is terribly complicated, and frequently such issues are often poorly diagnosed and even more poorly treated.

So, if health issues are impacting your life and sex life, learn all you can about them. Be an informed patient. Connect with patient communities, and look for the good doctors who are going to treat you, not “a patient.” You aren’t a number or an average, and life is too short to not feel well if you can avoid it.

Is sex a priority?

As for relationships without enough sex… what can you do?

Well, first, you both need to discuss where sex falls in your relationship.

For my wife, sex fell further and further down the priority list. She wasn’t didn’t feeling sexy or much desire, and was glad when I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t ask for it, despite wanting it desperately, because I knew that she was exhausted, didn’t feel good, and wasn’t interested anyway.

But it finally got to the point that I had to talk to her about it, and she was surprised how strongly I felt, and how deprived and disconnected I was feeling. We agreed to make it more of a priority, and she also agreed to try to work on being enthusiastic, not just there taking one for the team.

We also agreed at that time for me to get more involved in looking into her health issues.

So, as is always the case, we had to talk.

If you’re having similar issues, you need to talk, too.

We decided together what was important. The next post in this series talks about prioritizing things in your relationship.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Decide What’s Important. And that includes talking about Sex.

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Our Stressful Lives are Killing our Relationships, Intimacy and Sex Lives

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Do you hear yourself saying things like:

“I just don’t have time for anything.”

“I just don’t have energy at the end of the day.”

“I am always so tired.”

“I can’t get it all done.”

“I have nothing left.”

Sound familiar?

It sure does to me.

Or maybe this applies to your spouse, and you’re asking yourself:

“Why is she always exhausted?”

“Why is he always cranky?”

“Why can’t he relax?”

“Why won’t she have sex with me?”

We are all Burnt Out

It’s never good to make generalizations, but I’ll make one anyway.

We are all exhausted and stressed.

We are trying to fit a gallon of milk in a quart container. And it’s not working very well.

We’re trying to be good employees, spouses, parents, and children to our own parents. We are trying to hold on to our jobs in an economy that’s increasingly competitive and unpredictable. We’re trying to prepare our kids for their own careers and lives. We’re trying to provide care to our rapidly aging parents.

And somewhere in there, we’re trying to have a relationship with our spouse, including a sexual relationship.

It sure ain’t easy.

Oh, and then there’s one other forgotten person we’d also like to give some attention: ourselves.

It doesn’t all fit!

No, that’s not what John Hamm’s girlfriend says.

Well, okay, maybe it is.

But in our case, we’re talking about our ability to do everything we want to.

In our case, we had kids, with each additional kid we jettisoned more of our lives.

Hobbies. Reading. A clean house. An attractive yard. Elaborate home-cooked meals.

And we have to be realistic: there are trade-offs for everything. I don’t care what some book-writing Fortune 500 COOs are saying: most of us can’t have it all. Frankly, not all of us can be at the c-level, with multiple nannies, a personal chef and personal trainer.

And it’s fine. Really, it is.

“We Need to Talk.”

Those words that scare the sh*t out of anyone hearing them.  But that’s what you need to do if you’re going to address these issues..

You need to sit down with your partner and talk about priorities, both for your lives as well as for any given day.

When we haven’t done that, and we are dissatisfied with our relationship, then we have to figure out what’s going to give, and how we’re going to change.

And if our sex lives aren’t working, we need to talk about that, too. In the next post, I talk about sexless and sex-starved marriages.  stress killing sex lives

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Sexless and Sex-starved Marriages

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Nothing Can Be New Forever: Good Sex Fades

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If you haven’t watched Esther Perel’s outstanding TED talk, “The Secret to Desire in a Long Term Relationship,” you need to watch it. If you have 20 minutes, go watch it now. Seriously! I’ll wait. If you don’t have 20 minutes, bookmark it now or send the link to yourself in an email to watch when you have time.

She explicitly asks the question, “Why does good sex fade?”

Esther’s talk is simply outstanding, and she shares how all of us in long-term relationships are going to have conflicting demands for safety and comfort (love) and novelty and desire (lust). She has some specific suggestions for what we can do to keep things fresh and new, which we’ll do a separate post about another time.

However, I’ll sum up her points as follows:

In order to keep our relationship, sexual life and our own selves alive, we need to use our imaginations, and commit to making space for the erotic, our fantasies, and each other. It’s hard. But you and your partner’s imaginations are key to keeping things new and fresh.

Not Tonight Dear. I Have a Headache.

For all the improvements in technology, productivity and science, it sure does seem like everyone is working their asses off.

If we can find a job, that is.

If you don’t have a job, you’re busting your butt to try to find one, and fretting about how to survive.

If you have a job, by and large you’re probably working longer and harder than you’ve ever worked before. And you’re probably working for less money than you were ten years ago.

And if you’re a full-time caregiver, recent articles report that you work longer and harder than those who get paychecks.

The pressures of raising a family keep increasing, with sports, homework and extracurriculars getting more and more overwhelming as parents try to get their kids ready for this increasingly competitive world.

And with shopping, cooking healthy meals, cleaning and endless laundry, you’re probably at least 20 hours a week behind before Monday even comes. And that’s not even doing anything for yourself.

What does this do to your relationship and sex life?

Bluntly, libidos tank when we’re tired, overwhelmed and stressed.

But a healthy sex life is critical for a healthy marriage.

For many of us, it’s not just a stress relief, it’s a way of feeling closer and spending time together.

Society seems to be conspiring to take our sex lives out at the knees.

It sucks.  Good sex fades.

Not all is lost

To address a problem, understand it.

Is your stressful life undermining your relationship? Is it impacting your intimacy and your sex life?

If so, then talk about it with your partner, and see if they agree, both on the situation, the causes, and the impact. And then commit to doing something about it.

And in my next few posts, we’ll see what we might be able to do about this stuff, including how good sex fades. We may not be able to fix the original problems, but we can address how we respond, and how we act.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Our Stressful Lives are Killing our Relationships, Intimacy and Sex Lives

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Relationship Issues are Everywhere: Can you save your Marriage?

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My best friend from high school hadn’t had sex with his wife in years. She was also a financial adulteress, generating huge bills on luxury items for herself while not working, putting the burden fully on him to pay for her extravagant spending.

They had other issues as well, but he couldn’t get her to discuss them at all, much less rationally.

The divorce took years, and he needed therapy to move on with his life.

Another friend, this one from college, had a similar situation. He married his college sweetheart, a woman with a huge heart and absolutely no self-control. She never worked, and gained weight to the point of becoming morbidly obese. She had initially provided the emotional nourishment he lacked growing up, but later her own issues sunk their marriage. Like my other friend, he is remarried now, and seems much happier now with a woman much more emotionally mature. She got a huge alimony payment, and found a new husband quickly.

Then there was a close female friend from college who divorced her husband after he stopped coming home much, preferring long business trips and a job far enough away from home that he got an apartment in the city. Both she and her husband both had extremely demanding careers that they put first, and their awesome young sons wound up spending most of their days with grandma. The resentment of neither one of them being willing to sacrifice their careers for the other, or for the family, became a source of constant friction, fights and anger. Nasty fights evolved into sullen silences, and then eventually mutual hated.  The relationship ended in a divorce that was brutal for both its emotional and financial toll, as well as a particularly nasty custody battle.

These stories probably sound familiar. We all have friends who have separated, especially if we’re of a certain age.

And those are just the divorces; other relationship issues are everywhere. Relationships are lousy with frictions between partners.

The difference in those who stay together and those who don’t is probably most often around communication, commitment, expectations and willingness to forgive, to accept and to be grateful.

Some Relationships Can’t Be Saved. And Shouldn’t Be.

If you’re having issues, you need to decide first whether the issues are ones that can be worked out, or the kind that can’t.

What kind of relationship issues have a low probability of getting worked out? Here’s a partial list:

  • A spouse who unrepentantly maintains has a string of affairs.
  • The spouse who won’t connect emotionally.
  • The spouse who won’t control their spending to the point the family faces major issues, including eviction.
  • The abusive spouse.
  • The husband or wife who refuses to address an alcohol or other addiction
  • The spouse who just turned out to be batsh*t crazy, and can’t or won’t change.
  • The spouse who won’t admit or address big issues.
  • And, perhaps, the sexless marriage.

In some cases there may be reasons to stay with a bad marriage. Perhaps for the good of the kids. Perhaps it’s tolerable, and better than the cost of divorcing. Perhaps the spouse is okay with a spouse having sexual relationships outside marriage. Perhaps, for all the flaws, you love the other person, and can’t imagine being without them.

But, if there are issues of safety involved, for you or your children, I would say that you have a moral obligation to really consider leaving the relationship.

And if you are miserable and your spouse does not care about you enough to treat you with respect, or is incapable of changing, then you have a responsibility to yourself to weigh the options and decide if a life of endless unhappiness and lack of fulfillment is fair to you. Life is short; if you spend it being miserable, are you really making the most of your life? I would say no. And while the idea of happiness is very much a Western idea that is not globally accepted as important, I would say that at the minimum, you have a right to make sure you’re not living in misery.

Some Relationships Can’t Be Fixed

Sometimes, couples just grow apart. They may find out that while they married for what seemed like good reasons, but there was no real glue holding their relationship together.

Others find that after the kids are gone, that they have nothing in common anymore.

Some find that they did not expect the exhaustion and lack of time that comes with adulthood, raising kids, and having a career.

Some folks discover sooner that they have different expectations. Expectations that they never talked about –or thought about– until after they had married. Maybe they have different expectations on vacations, how to spend leisure time, how much time to spend together, or what their sex life is going to be like.

If you’re in a situation that sounds like one of these cases, and you are emotionally remote from each other and the intimacy has disappeared from your relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t fix things.

Many Relationships Can Be Fixed. Remember that Relationships Take Work.

In these cases, honest discussion and hard work can be enough to work through these disagreements. Not that it’s easy. But taking the time to identify the problem, then talking through options, can be huge in finding a solution. But it will require honest communication and maturity. It may take going back to square one, identifying what each of you want out of your relationship and partnership, what you like about each other, and coming to agreement on a new, shared purpose.

Sometimes emotions can be a huge part of the issue. For us, talking about money has always been that killer issue: for her, money is very much connected to the issue of independence and control, and having someone tell her –or even just suggest– how to spend money makes her defensive at best. So two people can view money very, very differently. But they can certainly still love one another despite the disagreement.

If you want to make your relationship better, though, don’t avoid the issues. The next time that the time is right, ask your spouse what your two biggest relationship issues are. Not how to fix them, just see if you agree on what they are. Then, from there, you can think about them and hold a series of less stressful conversations about various points of the issue over time.

It won’t solve all your problems instantly. But at least you’ll be working on the top priorities. And notice that you’re asking your spouse for what their issues are. You’re investing in them. But fair is fair, and it is inevitable and fair that you will bring up your own top issues in matter of course.

If you each have different views on what the problems are, you can work through that, too.

Consider Marriage Counseling

If you have trouble talking about things, or even identifying the issues, then seriously consider marriage counseling. You’d see a doctor if you had a health problem that was threatening your life; why wouldn’t you consider meeting with a trained professional if you have a relationship issue that’s threatening your marriage? Position it as something to help you work through what you can do better in the relationship, not as something to address your spouse’s faults. Say “me” or “us,” not “you.” No one likes “you.”

The key point is that you are committed to your marriage, and are willing to do the hard work it takes to save your marriage. Even if it hurts. Even if it means conflict, and hurt feelings as you work through the issues. And, if you’re willing to accept that, then you should also be willing to admit that there are professionals who see these kinds of issues all the time, and can help you work things through faster, better and more completely than you can do on your own if you find you’ve hit a roadblock.

You are important. Your marriage is important. First, talk, respectfully, and try to figure out the issues and then try to solve them on your own. It’s amazing how many couples just haven’t talked about their issues, in the interest of avoiding fights and hurt feelings. And when they talk, the find out what they thought their spouse thought, or what their own assumptions were, are totally different than what they thought.

And if you can’t do it on your own, there’s no shame in getting help. If anything, you should feel proud that you’re both willing to do whatever it takes to address your issues… even asking for help.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Why Relationships Cool: What You Can Do About a Dead or Dying Marriage

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Spice Up Your Sex Life to Increase Intimacy

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Caren felt every little breeze as Mike moved around her naked body. He had tied a silk scarf over her eyes, blindfolding her, then had stripped her clothes off, piece by piece, until she stood naked in the middle of their bedroom.

Mike had gently kissed her neck and shoulders as he removed each item, and now she felt his hand traveling over her body… over her shoulder… down her back… across her hip… until he let it rest, gently cupping and caressing one cheek of her behind. She felt him move closer into her, his clothed body hot against hers, and she felt a hint of whiskers on her cheek as he brought his mouth close to her ear. She could smell his cologne, and felt his hot breath in her hear as he whispered unimagined words to her about he was going to do to her next…

A satisfying sex life requires and provides intimacy and connection. It is also about keeping things fresh, and requires honesty, communication and trust.

So many couples struggle, especially when we’re so stretched, stressed and tired.

But people, especially women, are clearly interested in spicing things up to address something they’re not getting in their normal sex lives and relationships. Just look at the popularity of 50 Shades of Grey. Thanks to these books –and soon movie– there has been more awareness and interest by mainstream people in trying things they had never considered previously. And, at the same time, it’s becoming not just recognized but accepted that women have just as strong interest in sex as men, and that includes the spicy stuff.

So, why are people interested in the spicy stuff? Well…

  • Things turn us on besides straight, “vanilla” sex.
  • The idea of giving up –or taking!—control is sexy, especially when we are in different power positions the rest of the time.
  • It’s interesting! And fun! And it adds novelty and newness. It’s an adventure.
  • It just turns us on, even if we don’t understand it.
  • It allows us to scratch an itch with a partner we can trust, building intimacy.
  • It just feels good!

But nice people don’t do that!

Uh… yes they do. My wife and I do. I’d say we appear to be totally normal suburban parents who don’t stand out, and certainly don’t advertise what we do in the bedroom. But our sex life has always had a kinky flavor. We’ve never thought it was anything to be ashamed of. It’s just been fun, and a release, and has allowed us to get something out of playing roles we’re careful to avoid in our day-to-day marriage of equals.

The 50 Shades stuff is about giving up control and power, and allowing ourselves to let someone else be in charge… or taking charge of another person and fulfilling our own somewhat primal appetites. In this world of increasing (if not perfect) gender equality, playing unequal roles temporarily allows us to feed parts of our primitive brains that still want to take another person, or be taken and desired. Then we return to our normal power structures of equality and respect, de-stressed, happy and itches scratched.

So consider spicing things up. One of the purposes of this site is to share things to help you improve your relationship by connecting in the bedroom. If that sounds interesting, please check out our second series of posts on Bedroom Secrets: Spicing Things Up. Spice up sex life.

But for now, check out our next post in this Relationships series.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Why are we fighting?

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Your Dying Sex Life

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A dying sex life is all too common…

Paul turns off the lights in the kids’ rooms. They’re all tucked in, bedtime stories are told, and now he has loving on his mind. It’s Saturday night, and this is probably his only opportunity for the week. He slips into the master bedroom and sees his wife Elaine propped up on a few pillows, in her threadbare but comfy cotton nightgown. Tonight she’s reading a novel; other nights she’s playing Candy Crush or watching the new episode of Scandal. Paul brushes his teeth, and then heads towards the bed.

Elaine ignores him until he’s turning the sheets back, and then she looks up at Paul with some annoyance. She knows what he wants… and she isn’t really in the mood. She knows it’s been a week since they last made love… but she’s tired, and just not feeling it. They have a boring sex life at best. But if he insists, she’ll feel guilty if she doesn’t accommodate him.

Meanwhile, Paul tries to remain positive, but he can read the body language, and already he knows he has the choice of either nicely taking the brush-off, or pushing it and getting sex with an unenthusiastic, borderline resentful partner… which is almost worse than not getting sex at all. But it’s been a week… he’s starving for sex…

If you’ve been together for a while, this may sound all too familiar. The novelty and newness is gone, one or both partners are having libido issues, and the life is just getting sucked out of the relationship.

You can barely find time for sex at all, and when you do it’s not as good as it used to be. You can feel the intimacy waning. And you don’t know what to do about it.

Your sex life is dying.

We don’t have enough time for ourselves. We don’t have enough time for each other. And unsurprisingly, we aren’t having enough sex and what sex we are having is terrible.

Even worse, for some the sex even stops all together. Perhaps it’s stress. Or no time. Or the sex got boring. Or one or the other partners lost their libido. Or the sense of intimacy in the relationship failed due to other problems in the relationship. It’s hard to feel sexy and want intimacy when you’re angry and resentful.

So, how about you?

Are relationship issues impacting your sex life?

Or, are sex life issues impacting your relationship?

Do you know why? Do you know how to fix things?

Here, I talk about relationship issues, conflict, communication, and how it’s all connected to feeling intimate with our partners and our sex lives. But I feel very strongly about one thing:

A healthy sex life is a requirement for a vibrant marriage. 

And by healthy sex life, I mean one of quantity and quality that fulfills both partners, and reinforces and builds connection. You can’t get more intimate than when you have sex; pleasing your partner, them pleasing you, and letting your barriers down and making yourself vulnerable. You keep things fresh by admitting your fantasies to each other, and lovingly fulfilling those fantasies without judgment and with understanding. This kind of intimacy is nourishing, cathartic, exhilarating, and fulfilling.

But so many people are missing out. Perhaps you are one of them.

Love and sex are the greatest rewards of life. We all deserve to have someone to love, and to love us, and to have someone with whom we can let our guard down around and explore and experience our sexuality in different ways.

If you’re in a monogamous, long-term relationship, your partner is the only one you have for exploration of your sexual fantasies and get emotional fulfillment.

But in so many cases this isn’t happening. Why is this?

  • One or the other partner not being interested or available
  • Simple exhaustion and lack of time
  • Boredom
  • Health or mental challenges
  • Fear of a partner’s rejection for asking for new things
  • Concerns about being judged or doing things seem forbidden
  • Just not being aware of the possibilities that are out there
  • Lack of sexual interest in one’s partner

And of course there are traditional relationship issues; if you have those, you have another set of problems. But if you have a reasonably good marriage where the spark has just disappeared, this site and these posts can help.

This series of posts will talk about the issues that can lead to a loss of sexual desire, how you can address the, and how you can bring the spark back to your relationship.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Spice Up Your Sex Life to Increase Intimacy

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