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You are here: Home / Archives for sexless marriage

No Spicy Dice: My Partner is Not Interested in Kinky Sex

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan 1 Comment

What do you do if your partner just is not interested in kinky sex?

You probably got married before you really got interested in the steamy stuff. For most young couples, frequent sex is good enough. But over time, things cooled.

Maybe not just the intensity, but the frequency of the sex. Or maybe you just never had much of a sex life to begin with.

You started wanting to spice things up. And maybe you introduced the idea to your partner.

And each time, your partner wasn’t interested. The reasons could be anything… some of which were discussed in the previous post.

But in this post, let’s say that your partner just is not interested in kinky sex, and it’s been settled.

It’s a tough situation. What do you do?

First: are you still having sex at all?

If not, then you have bigger issues. If you’ve tried to talk to your spouse about it, and they won’t, then you really need to consider marriage counseling… because things often don’t just get better on their own. And a healthy marriage absolutely needs a healthy sex life as part of it. If you don’t have that, then one or both partners will be getting frustrated, resentful and angry, and may go looking for sex somewhere else.

Or possibly, the partner that doesn’t want sex may be getting it somewhere else. Possibly even with a member of the same sex.

Whatever the case, these issues need to be surfaced, and worked out. Relationships can’t survive dishonesty and lack of no connection. Or perhaps they can, but I personally don’t wish that kind of relationship on anyone.

Assuming you’ve worked things through and understand that your partner just doesn’t want kinky sex, but loves you and wants to continue having sex with you, what other options do you have?

There are some, such as Pamela Madsen, who feels okay going outside her marriage. That’s not for me, or us, and I find some of her rationalizations for her actions a… great stretch. But she kept her marriage with her husband even while taking on a dominant lover who fills her need for raunchy D/s sex, and her marriage to her husband seems strong.

But personally, I don’t think most of our marriages can survive spitting our attentions and affections beyond our spouse or partner, especially sexually. Others disagree. But in this blog, we’re looking at strengthening monogamous marriage.

You can read

How many wives read 50 Shades and suddenly found themselves desiring a more spicy relationship? Many, that’s how many. Much of our sex lives are in our brains. You can continue to read, and try to introduce small items into your vanilla lovemaking. “Hold my wrists.” “Tell me ‘I’m yours to do with as you please.'” “Let’s try this position.” Small things that your partner shouldn’t object to. Then, be diligent about verbally and physically expressing your pleasure and appreciation. Build that positive feedback loop. It pays off.

But he / she just can’t…

I had a lot of trouble getting over treating my wife like anything other than a lady and an equal in the bedroom.

In my case, it was that I was programmed as a child with a very feminist worldview. I don’t regret it… but it did impact our roleplay, and deep down, my wife hungered being taken and roughly used by a dominant man overcome by her sexuality and focused on nothing but satisfying his own urges.

It took me a long time, but finally I figured out the flip-side of the old trope, “submission gives her permission to be a dirty girl.” In my case, her acquiescence and desire for my dominance gave me permission to treat her like a dirty girl. That was huge, and the Rosetta stone for me. Because, frankly, I did want to. I wanted to see to my own needs and desires. But it had been drilled into me that you treat women as equals and not objects at all times.

But, one of the crazy revelations about BDSM –and why it’s getting so popular– is that deep down, at a primal level, we still have urges to treat each other in ways that aren’t politically correct. To quote the Eurthymics “Some of them want to use you / Some of them want to get used by you / Some of them want to abuse you / Some of them want to be abused.”

Some of us crave to dominate, some of us crave to submit… and sometimes, we even want the opposite when we’re with someone else.

There are theories that these are primal things wired into our brains, and while most of us are in the middle and generally just get along, some folks are more dominant and hunger to compete, win, and be in control, while others hunger to submit and serve.

There’s an interesting yin-and-yang. I have read that the person most interested in BDSM in the scene is almost always the powerful alpha male who craves submission, usually to a powerful woman. He seeks relief from his position of authority. And I think the same thing holds true for the many successful, strong women nowadays, who are always “on,” and seek an occasional respite from their heavy mantle of responsibilities by submitting in the bedroom.

Do you need it?

And if you’ve tried everything to get your spouse interested, and they just aren’t, you need to ask yourself if this is a need, or a want, and if you can satisfy your needs for connection, intimacy and sexual satisfaction in other ways. If you can’t, then there may be some hard conversations in your future.


Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series:  The Spicy Internet: The Good, the Bad, the Great, and the Awful…

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When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 2: Health and Hormone Issues

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Often, the person who won’t have sex doesn’t see it as a big deal.

But it is for the other person.

Both partners need to realize this. And need to work together to solve the issue.

Reading the comments on a Psychology Today article about whether sexless marriages justify infidelity, it seems that the person who doesn’t want to have sex often doesn’t understand their partner’s distress and unhappiness.

I read some comments on an article about sexless marriages where a woman said she was just done, and her husband needed to deal with it, and she didn’t see it as a bit issue.

But it clearly is an issue when a spouse won’t have sex. And some people have an unwillingness to admit there’s a problem, especially with them.

Sometimes, it’s simple self-centeredness.

But other times, it’s hormones.

We are share many traits with other species, particularly in the limbic system of our brain. In humans, a rational brain evolved over millions of year, but it is on top of the primal, pre-rational brain that existed for hundreds of million years before in one form or another. The primitive parts of our brain are still there, and are primarily responsible for our emotions and many of our behaviors. And sometimes what our emotions want and what our rational brain knows is good for us are two different things.

And if we have a hormonal imbalance, our sex drive can drop or disappear. Science has shown that women’s libido is directly correlated with estrogen and testosterone.

So, it’s not a stretch to say that when these levels drop, due to menopause or something else, women’s libidos tank.

These hormones are also especially sensitive to stress. When women are stressed, they produce more of the stress hormone cortisol as well as adrenaline, which has been shown in studies to depress libido.

So. One of the first things to address, beyond chronic health issues, are issues related to menopause and stress. There are things that a person can do about these, either with a physician –particularly a holistic or alternative medicine doctor– or mental health professional.

But, let’s say something that isn’t said often: the person who is suffering from these issues often do not feel they have an issue, and have no desire to have them addressed. Even if their spouse is suffering, and their marriage is suffering, mentally they feel that the other person is over-reacting and should just let it go. Sex, they feel, should not be the basis of a marriage, as a marriage is more than just sex.

One one hand, yes, that’s true.

On the other hand, sex is part of marriage. Part of the implied contract is that both spouses will remain faithful. But, this also presupposes that the couple is having sex, and adequate sex. When one person can’t or won’t have sex, that marriage contract is being broken, although perhaps unintentionally.

If your partner won’t agree that lack of sex is an issue, then you need to get marriage counseling to help you work through the issue.

Marriage Counseling

My wife and I have had our issues.

Everyone does.

We’ve been fortunate, though, that they haven’t been serious issues compared to others. No alcohol or substance addictions. No abuse, physical or otherwise. No infidelity or affairs. No growing apart or significant issues with anger or resentment.

But, we have had our issues. Often they’re around expectations, lack of communication, or things we never talked about around how we want to live our lives.

By far, the biggest issue for me was been when our sex life withered on the vine.

We were having an increasing number of disagreements and fights. We didn’t feel as close. We didn’t spend quality time together. And it worked out time after time that she won’t have sex.

And although rationally I knew it wasn’t her fault, seething below the surface I was angry that I wasn’t getting sex. That she wasn’t making herself available to me. That she didn’t want me. That she didn’t care about me. That she rejected me when I did ask. That, my subconscious insisted, she didn’t really love me.

And on top of that, she was irritable, anxious, depressed and defensive as a result of her condition. Our fights were the worst of our marriage… and often, I had no idea where they came from or even what they were really about. And she’s always had the ability to go on the offense when she felt defensive. Our fights never went well for me.

During one of our fights, I can’t even remember about what, I said that maybe we needed marriage counseling.

Oddly, that cooled her off. Although I did frame it as it being to help me understand all the things I was doing wrong so I could be a better husband.

But to her mind, it showed that I did want to be married to her, and I did want to work things out.

And somehow, that right there triggered me to really immerse myself in her health issues, as I realized that I really needed to get those solved first, before there was any point in addressing other relationship issues.

Plus, frankly, I had read enough to suspect that if I could get her health issues addressed, her libido should return. And that should go a long way towards fixing the tension between us.

And it has.


Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Fallen out of Love

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When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 1: The No Sex Marriage

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

When you got married, or when you started your relationship, you probably didn’t talk much about how much sex to have. You were probably too busy having sex, and just made the assumption that things would be fine.

But then, years passed. In our case, about fifteen. We had kids. We got hit with aging parents who needed our attention. And then all the crap involved in raising kids really took off with sports and extracurricular activities.

Plus, we’re in our forties now, not our twenties.

Our sex life fell off.

It fell off gradually, but measurably, with each kid, and with each life event. Until it got to the point where we were sometimes going a month or more without having sex.

Once a month may seem better than nothing, but as I looked into it online, I found we fit the definition of a no sex marriage, or sexless marriage.

Talking with other people online, this is pretty common. And understandable. But it sucks for lots of reasons.

Complicating Issues: Health

We also had another issue that we really needed to solve before anything else: her increasing health issues. These issues caused her to be constantly exhausted, unable to lose weight pounds no matter how carefully she ate and exercised, unable to sleep, constipated and irritable and in a bad mental frame of mind most of the time. She really was a trooper and did her best, but by the time we got alone time at night or on the weekends, she was just too wiped for much. And, to add insult to injury, her condition also took out her libido.

It really, really sucked.

It wasn’t her fault, and I kept that in mind. But it finally got to the point where it was impacting our marriage such that I had to get involved since her doctors weren’t able to help her. With research, I found there were alternative treatments to which the medical establishment was hostile… and which had a long track record of success, and didn’t require expensive pharmaceutical drugs. I took the time to really research and learn everything I could, then approached my wife and our PCP with the facts and evidence, and she agreed to try the new treatment plan, thankfully. In less than a month, I had my old wife back.

So, the moral of that sub-story is to take things into your own hands if you need to. And before you can solve any other issues, you have to solve any underlying health issues first.

No sex when there aren’t health issues

In other posts I’ve said what I truly believe: a healthy sex life is absolutely critical for a healthy relationship.

Sex is the most intimate thing that two people can do together. You open yourself up, trust the other person, and please the other person. If all goes well, you both can admit the things you like and do them for each other, without judgment, because it makes the other person happy.

Guys need sex

Yes, women need sex, too. And some guys don’t need sex. But most of us do, and we feel the lack more than women seem to when we don’t get it.

Bus I have also noticed something else that I don’t think women often don’t understand.

Beyond the fact that guys want and need sex to feel loved, there is also a rush of endorphins or other brain chemicals from the limbic system when certain thresholds are crossed. It may be equivalent to the rush women feel when a man says, “I love you” or opens up his soul.

For me, I have felt rushes of overwhelming love for my wife the first time we have tried new sexual things, or when she admitted she wanted to try some forbidden sexual thing, or would be willing to do some other sexual thing with me.

It is a material demonstration of her love for me and trust for me. Those are pinnacle moments of my life that I’ll always remember, when I feel completely loved and fulfilled. And it doesn’t just need to be some new act of sexual adventure; it can be something that we’ve done before, that she asks me for, but clearly wants.

I think there’s something deep and primal in our souls that hungers this moment, where there is no doubt that we as men are wanted, desired, and trusted with the secrets of our woman’s soul, proof that our women want to have sex with us in a primal way, all walls down.

And the bath of brain chemicals that surges through my body is amazing in those moments, and washes away all previous cares and previous frictions. It energizes and fulfills me deeply. I’m connected. Actualized. Fulfilled. And I never feel closer to my woman than in those moments.

I don’t need that kind of sex all the time. Maybe not even often. But I need it. And when I don’t ever get that kind of sex, it’s an issue.

And the same thing is true for women.

And if you’re in a no sex marriage, you’re not getting it.

When the frequency and quality of the sex decreases, that’s another issue.

I don’t want sex every day. Given our current crazy schedules, I don’t even want it every other day. But twice a week would be good. I’ll settle for once a week.

When it gets less than once a week… it’s an issue. Maybe it’s not my wife’s fault, but I’m not getting satisfaction.

Then, if the quality of what sex we do have drops to the bare minimum… the issue goes from big to huge. No one enjoys having sex with someone who doesn’t want to be there.

When sex stops… marriages end. Whether it’s the male or female partner who doesn’t want to have sex, the other partner feels rejected and lost. And their needs are unfulfilled. Maybe some folks hang in there, for various reasons. But it’s no longer a marriage if there’s no sex.


Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 2: Health and Hormone Issues

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Sex-starved and Sexless Marriages

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Some things just don’t get done every day in our crazy lives. Our top priorities are our jobs, kids, parents, and other obligations. If we’re lucky, we try to make time for the gym and all the other little errands that come up.

Often, very important things get pushed off the list, especially our relationship and sex.

Relationships require maintenance.

If the two people in the relationship aren’t spending time together enjoying each other’s company, then is it still a relationship? For a while it will be, but at some point, it just becomes two people living together, disconnected, with separate lives and interests. We’ve all see that happen. Maybe for some people that’s okay. But I believe that your life with your partner is the greatest relationship either of you will and should ever have, and you should make it a priority. And you know what to do. It can be anything from just taking walks together to a weekend away. But you need to take the time you need to keep connected and with enough time to appreciate your spouse.

And sex… sex is not just a checkbox. It’s a time for a couple to connect, explore, relax and recharge. Is that kind of sex getting pushed off your list of priorities as a couple? If so, you’re not alone. But how does your spouse feel about it? And how do you feel about it? You need to make sex a priority.

“It’s not a priority to me.”

Recently I saw the topic of sexless marriages being discussed on an online discussion board, and one gentleman, clearly distraught, bemoaned, “I come fourth on her list of priorities. Fourth! The fucking dogs come before me!”

I had to laugh, but I totally understood what he was saying.

I’m not sure what #1 and #2 were, but I’d guess that they are the kids and her job. I know, because I sometimes feel that way about where my wife’s priorities are. And if we had dogs, I suspect I’d often be #4 as well.

And I’ve struggled over time with this.

Sex is such a priority to me. And to be brutally honest, sex is the reason I do much of what I do. I work my ass off to provide a good home and lifestyle for our family… so that my wife will have sex with me.

When she doesn’t see it as a priority, well… to say my feelings are hurt can sometimes be an understatement.

But rationally, I understand she’s exhausted, stressed, often doesn’t feel well, and doesn’t prioritize sex as high as I do. The stresses she’s under are exhausting: her job, being a mom of three kids, helping her aging parents, and then all the household chores that pile up quickly (sometimes literally), from laundry to an uncluttered living room. Then she also volunteers at church and school, and does a hell of a lot beyond that.

I understand her stress. Hell, I even want her to do all those things.

But. I want her to save something for me.

Especially when I do a lot for her, to try to make her life easier, from nightly foot and shoulder rubs to all the household crap I do to all the stuff I do for the kids and our family.

And have I mentioned that my job is a high-stress, high-responsibility killer of a job? I bust my ass to leave there on time at night to be a good husband and father.

Then, she’s too tired for sex more than once every week or two… and then only wants to do the bare minimum when we do get time together.

Yeah, that really sucks.

Then there are Health Issues, too

In my case, my wife also has health issues. All women get screwed when it comes to their cycles and their periods, especially if it comes with migraines and cysts and a long list of other stuff guys don’t need to deal with. But in our case, my gal is the lucky winner of some additional endocrine issues, which leave her exhausted and feeling crappy all the time.

And, as time has gone on, her libido has tanked. Which isn’t her fault. I want her to feel well, because I love her. But I also want her to be interested in having sex with me. So, getting her health issues addressed is a high priority for me.

If you or your spouse is having health issues that are impacting your relationship, you have a responsibility to yourself and your spouse to get them addressed.

And I can attest that such issues can be tricky. As I’ve gotten deeper into the workings of the endocrine system, I’ve found it is terribly complicated, and frequently such issues are often poorly diagnosed and even more poorly treated.

So, if health issues are impacting your life and sex life, learn all you can about them. Be an informed patient. Connect with patient communities, and look for the good doctors who are going to treat you, not “a patient.” You aren’t a number or an average, and life is too short to not feel well if you can avoid it.

Is sex a priority?

As for relationships without enough sex… what can you do?

Well, first, you both need to discuss where sex falls in your relationship.

For my wife, sex fell further and further down the priority list. She wasn’t didn’t feeling sexy or much desire, and was glad when I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t ask for it, despite wanting it desperately, because I knew that she was exhausted, didn’t feel good, and wasn’t interested anyway.

But it finally got to the point that I had to talk to her about it, and she was surprised how strongly I felt, and how deprived and disconnected I was feeling. We agreed to make it more of a priority, and she also agreed to try to work on being enthusiastic, not just there taking one for the team.

We also agreed at that time for me to get more involved in looking into her health issues.

So, as is always the case, we had to talk.

If you’re having similar issues, you need to talk, too.

We decided together what was important. The next post in this series talks about prioritizing things in your relationship.


Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Decide What’s Important. And that includes talking about Sex.

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‘Keeping the Spark Alive’ Series

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Marriage, Part 1: Nourish your Relationship Emotionally, Mentally and Physically

Marriage, Part 2: What is a Happy Marriage?

Marriage, Part 3: Anger, Conflict and Communication

Marriage, Part 4: Fix Relationship Anger with Communication and Compromise

Marriage, Part 5: I’m Just Not Feeling the Spark Anymore. I’m feeling Unfulfilled.

Marriage, Part 6: Reconnecting Sexually in a Marriage of Equals

Reignite the Spark in your Marriage with New Bedroom Adventures

Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 1

Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 2: The Spicy Sex Checklist

Discussing your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 3: Other Ideas for Discussing the Sensitive Sex Topic of Spicy Sex

When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 1: The No Sex Marriage

When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 2: Health and Hormone Issues

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‘SPICING THINGS UP’ SERIES

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Becoming a Kinky Couple Reignites Your Relationship and is a Blast!

How Normal People Are Getting into Kink: More Stories

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Your Crazy Sexual Desires Don’t Make Sense. Enjoy ’em Anyway!

Explore Kink: Ten Spicy Sex Life Improvers for Couples!

Interest your Partner in the Exhilaration of Spicy Sex and Kink

No Spicy Dice: My Partner is Not Interested in Kinky Sex

The Spicy Internet: The Good, the Bad, the Great, and the Awful…

Why Kink and Spicy Sex Still isn’t Accepted

Just in the Bedroom

How Normal Couples Get into Kink: Our Story

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