Spanks on Your Can
…Would you try it with a brush? / Would you try it on your tush?
How do people get into kink? Here’s our story.
When we were dating fairly early on, we went into a nice, woman-owned adult store near where we lived in suburban DC.
We were poking around, and my gal had gotten a little ahead of me. She’d never minded going in the Adult section of the video store, either. I love my gal.
Anyway, I caught up to her where she had paused, and I take a look at the “Bondage 101” kit, containing velcro wrist and ankle cuffs –with matching o-rings and clips on each, a couple lengths of nylon strapping with more hooks, a blindfold, and a leather paddle. As if waiting for me to notice it, she says, “We can get that if you want.” In retrospect, I think I was set up. 😉 But into the cart it went!
So, we got home, and this was all blank slate to me. I kinda had the general idea I guess… we got the cuffs on her ankles and wrists, blindfolded her, tied her spread-eagled to the bed. It was okay, I used the vibrator on her. It’s so long ago I don’t know if I kept up quite the verbal narration of what I was thinking, seeing, doing and feeling as I do now. So we did that for a bit, and it was hard to have sex.
But, we tried again a night or week later, I can’t remember. I’ve got her blindfolded, wrists cuffed to the headboard, I’m looking at her ankles and am about to tie them to the footboard… and something much better occurs to me. “Fuck that.” So, I grab each of her ankles, and tie first one to the headboard behind her, then the other, so her legs are wide open and spread apart, pussy gaping.
Seriously: It was like her brain exploded when I did that to her.
With her tied up like that, spread and helpless for whatever I wanted to do to her, totally exposed to my view… well, her excitement was palpable, and she was almost at the point of orgasming before I even got her second ankle fastened to the headboard.
I brought out the vibrator and touched it to her pussy, and she had this huge orgasm almost instantly. Like, the biggest I’d ever seen her have, and we’d had some good sex by that point.
I’ve thought about it, and I think that it really tapped into her deepest fantasies, to be displayed, fucked, used… helpless for whatever I wanted to do to her.
After she came I climbed right on top and entered her, and I wasn’t able to hold off myself off for long… she was cumming again so hard as I used her like that I couldn’t help but mirror her excitement and frantic arousal . Man! All these years later, it still makes me hot thinking about it.
So, that was the official start of our bondage play.
We tried switching, with her tying me up and doing the same stuff, and it was just kind of meh… she didn’t enjoy it, and I couldn’t see anything or do anything. I’m really a top, she’s a bottom… which means I like doing stuff to her, and she likes stuff being done to her.
Then she said had read some blistering books about bondage that I might enjoy, and that I could read aloud to her.
So we did. They were Ann Rice’s Sleeping Beauty series.
In all honesty, the books aren’t great: the characters are under-developed, the stories pretty basic, and there’s not really much a plot. But Rice really does tap into very deep pools of female submissive fantasies. And the content is very graphic, and describes lots of fetish acts. Lots and lots of spanking, but also lots of dominance and submission and lots and lots of different kinds of sex acts… some of them very, very extreme. I can’t even start to remember everything.
But, reading those books aloud to her in bed definitely showed me what we wanted. And I don’t think we ever made it more than two or three chapters before she was over my lap and the book had been tossed aside, forgotten.
Overtime, we did more roleplay, with me playing the dom: giving her orders to strip, touch herself, position herself, do whatever I told her. “Don’t look up unless ordered,” “don’t cum unless ordered,” “count each stroke.”
We did a lot of spanking play. She loved that.
She still talks about the time I called her to the bedroom, where I had placed a straight-back chair in the middle of the big empty space, and how she felt seeing it there, and me standing next to it, and telling her she had been a bad girl and I was going to give her a spanking. I then ordered her to strip, slowly, folding each item of clothing neatly and placing it in front of me on the floor, until she stood completely naked, me still clothed.
Next, I sat down on the chair, and told her to lay herself across my lap. I slowly started to spank her, making her count each stroke, and as I spanked and I played with her pussy between strokes.
<smile> She loved –and still loves– that stuff.
We don’t get the chance for that too much lately, but it’s completely cathartic for both of us, and immediately following every scene like that there is some really, really good sex.
We have an Ikea footstool that I picked up at one point. It’s a bit under two feet high, two feet long, and is padded with a round top. We’ve put that footstool to a lot of good use over the years… You can see a picture of it on my FetLife profile. If you look at it, you can imagine her on it in either direction.
We just redid our bedroom, and a lot of stuff went to make room for her decorating vision. But not once did she suggest that footstool be tossed. Actually, she wound up giving the bedroom a lilac color palate (I wasn’t thrilled, but it’s not as girly as I was afraid it would be)… and I haven’t pressed her on it, but I think because the footstool is being kept and is purple. I admit I could be wrong. But I also know that if I pressed her, she’d deny it. She likes to be coy sometimes.
And sometimes, I know she likes the thrill of just having it out in plain view, only her and me knowing the things we’ve done to he on it.
Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: How Normal People Get into Kink: More Stories
You want to explore the kinky stuff because:
But what about your partner? How do they feel about it?
I like to think that most people are open-minded and have some sense of adventure, and would like to try new things.
But some people are resistant, for predictable reasons. Maybe these things seem immoral or against their religion or values. Maybe they feel that these are not things that nice people do. Or that if their family or friends found out, they’d be judged harshly.
Maybe, there’s even some of the Madonna-Whore thing that some men have, including some men that I know, where some men can’t bring themselves to have raunchy sex with their bride and mother of their children, because they consider it dirty and they don’t want to soil their woman with their carnal desires
It’s a shame, because they are both denying themselves and their wives a more satisfying relationship. It’s at least partially religion- and family-based. And also, these same men are more prone to take on mistresses on the side, with whom they can have raunchy sex without it impacting their conscience. How that’s better is a pretty impressive piece of rationalization. But in my opinion (and some disagree) fidelity to your spouse is critical to your relationship, and having a secret mistress is not cool. Although, such marriages do tend to last, as divorce is also very frowned upon in such families. But anyway, if I were the wife and mother in such a relationship, I’d insist my husband not stray, and not deny me the sex life I deserve.
How about a spouse that’s just really straight… not interested in trying anything that isn’t missionary. That one can be tough, as again, morality and expectations get all wrapped up in there. I’d suggest in such a case you start slow, and introduce things very slowly, one at a time, getting your spouse used to things before introducing the next. I was chatting online with someone who had a very traditional girlfriend, and sex was dull… until one night, he reached up and put a hand on her throat as he entered her. This triggered something primal in her, and opened up the door to trying new things, with enthusiasm on her part. They never called it what it was, which was rough sex or even dominance and submission, but it worked for them.
If you’re a wife with unadventurous husband, you can introduce lingerie and candles and other tame things, until one night when he’s excited you pull out a little vibrator and ask him to use it on you… or perhaps lay yourself over his lap and say you’ve been naughty and he should spank you a bit before you’ve earned the main course. He may be shocked, but if he loves you and wants to please you, he’ll do it. Your job is to give him lots of positive reinforcement as he makes each tentative step… show him and tell him how excited you are and how pleasurable you find it… and your excitement should be contagious. And he’ll be thinking about it afterwards, and will want to do it again.
If your partner raises objections that he or she doesn’t feel right about it, then you may have to stand up for yourself, and say that you feel fine about it, and you have needs and desires, too… and that you never feel closer than when you share such things.
That’s hard. It happens. But seriously… not often. And you have to ask yourself, what have you got to lose? You have a right to feel fulfilled in your marriage and sex life, and we all need our needs filled. If your spouse can’t fill them, then who can? If you need to, talk to a counselor on this one topic to get over it.
The absolute worst-case scenario is that your spouse judges your requests and desires as immoral and wrong, and treats you as if you are doing something wrong. In most of the Western World, this isn’t so likely. But it could and does happen.
So what do you do?
Honestly, it depends on how much of a partnership your marriage really is.
If it is an old-world marriage, with the man in charge and no negotiation possible, then your options are limited. But, alternately, you may have married a person in a conservative culture who is like you, and is happy and relieved to be able to explore their desires with their life-mate.
And one thing about conservative cultures that works to our advantage is that what people do behind closed doors is their own business; people don’t want to know, but they also believe in independence and freedom of choice, even if they don’t agree with that choice.
The attitude is, “My house, my rules.” So, you need to figure out how to get your partner to adopt the rules you like.
Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: No Spicy Dice: My Partner is Not Interested in Kinky Sex
terest partner kink
The world of kink is vast, limited only by the minds and interests of everyone in the world. So we aren’t going to get into everything. But, we can at least look at some of the more “mainstream” kinks that you might be interested in.
But before we do, one comment about the words “kink” and “fetish”: They suck.
Words are loaded, and those words in particular have negative emotional connotations that imply sexual deviancy and unwholesomeness. So, I’ll try to use the word “spicy” to better describe these things for folks who want to explore kink.
With that, if you want to explore kink, here are ten common ones to consider.
Want to learn more about what you might like? Try a checklist: you can find a post I did on checklists here.
Even better, sit down with your partner, and do a checklist together. You’ll learn a lot, it’ll be fun and exciting, and perhaps most importantly what you and your spouse are not interested in.
Plus, you’ll learn some things that your spouse might not just be willing to try, but is enthusiastic about. I remember when my wife and I did a checklist for the first time. I was stunned –and overjoyed– by some of the things my wife said she would try. “Really?? You’d do THAT?” My god, my gal… I love her.
And that is a great example of the benefits that kink can bring. That my wife is willing to admit and even do some things that would shock the neighbors makes me feel incredibly close to her, and excited, and grateful that she shares such thoughts with me. And I think the same would be true for everyone in the same situation.
Jeremy Nicholson, M.S.W., Ph.D. writes in Psychology Today that:
There is an unfortunate misconception that fantasies, fetishes, and kink necessarily “objectify” and “distance” lovers from one another. Usually, just the opposite is true. Sharing your secret sexual cravings with a special partner can increase trust and intimacy. It is a special, private piece of yourself that you are giving to someone else.
In this world where half of all marriages end in divorce –if people even get married at all– looking into things to satisfy your own desires isn’t bad. What happens in the bedroom is your own business.
If you feel ashamed of your desires, then you owe it to yourself to ask why. Most likely, it’s expectations that you feel society, religion, family or you have for yourself. But are you subordinating your own happiness for subjective morality that you never chose for yourself? If so, then stick up for yourself. If you are feeling unhappy, unconnected and unfulfilled, that is no way to go through life. Try other things, and get a loving partner to explore them with you.
Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Get Your Partner Interested in the Exhilaration of Spicy Sex and Kink
Jen is a good girl. Good mom. Good wife. Good daughter. Good employee. She’s dedicated to everyone. Always on. Always thinking of others.
Her husband Mark is kind. Handsome. Attentive. Nice
And their sex life sucks.
They do it twice a week. Usually missionary after the kids go to sleep. Mark is gentle, loving, attentive to her needs. Usually she has a nice little orgasm, and falls asleep in Mark’s arms.
Sometimes, she just wants Mark to tear off her clothes, throw her down, and fuck her hard.
Maybe even pull her hair, spank her ass.
Of course, Mark would never treat the mother of her children that way.
So, she feels empty. And sometimes a few of her girlfriends give hints of wild nights and just-the-grownups trips away, things that they do in the bedroom that she hasn’t done. They don’t seem to ask themselves, “is bondage wrong? And she feels jealous, and a bit disappointed, and even a bit angry.
But good girls don’t want to do those kind of things. Right?
Well, actually, they do.
50 Shades was a phenomenon, with moms and girlfriends reading and talking about having that kind of sex with that kind of focused, hungry, dominant man.
Maybe Jen secretly read the book. But she knows that in her long relationship with Mark, that he is not going to change that much. And Christian Grey in the book was a new man; she is not about to start a new romance.
But Jen is wrong.
She can have a new man, and a new relationship. And that man can be her husband. She just doesn’t get this. While there might be some barriers for Mark to overcome, he’d probably be delighted to delight his wife. And he’ll benefit, too.
First, Jen needs to decide what she wants out of this. Sex is nice, but really, she wants some adventure… and to feel desired. To feel more intimacy with her husband. And to fulfill some dark fantasies she can’t even put words to, around being… lusted for… owned… and taken.
She wants to feel that desire that Mark had for her when they were first together. And, for a time, she wants to forget her roles and responsibilities, and be free to live in that moment. She wants the freedom to revel in herself and her own pleasure, which she really can’t do with her mind buzzing with all of her other roles and responsibilities.
Mark, concurrently, really wants similar things. Besides every guy’s drive for passionate sex, he wants to rekindle the romance with his wife. He wants to feel closer, and wants her to feel closer to him. And, ultimately, because he’s a good guy, he wants to please his wife, and give her what she desires.
Mark may have to overcome conditioning about how to treat a lady… and Jen about how she should expect to be treated. But the key here is that this is just-in-the-bedroom stuff. This is fun, and temporary, and something two people that care and even love each other do, with respect and trust.
How do they do this?
Before a session, Jen and Mark agree who does what, as should you. It can be hard to ask for and discuss. But if one person is playing a king or queen, and the other the servant, it puts some distance between the people who they are in day-to-day life. And allows fantasies to be fulfilled.
It can be hard to ask. Before the session, you should agree to how things begin and end, and on safewords. (Safewords are special words that are used if things get too intense… often folks use “yellow” for “slow down!” and “red” for “Stop!”)
And if it’s hard to know what to do, you can do a checklist or read some erotic stories together. Maybe you identify a few things in advance that you might like to do or try. This way, both of you know what you’re getting into. And if there’s special equipment you have to get (“Honey, where’s your hairbrush?”) you guys can get things together ahead of time. And if both people know the limits and what’s expected, that reduces stress hugely.
If both people think of it as a scene in a play, that helps lower inhibitions. You’re playing roles, not yourselves, so you can do things you might not usually be comfortable saying or doing, as “it’s the character, not me!” That provides a bit of emotional distance from asking for things you want to try but are embarrassed to ask for.
I would guess that when the person who is fulfilling the request of their partner sees how sexually excited and enthusiastic the other person gets, well, there is no better positive reinforcement than that for continuing exploring.
The benefits are the excitement, fulfillment, and intimacy. Being able to share these things with your partner brings you closer. Maybe it’s an endorphin blast to your brain that makes you feel all goofy and happy… but, scientifically, isn’t that what love is, too?
Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Your Crazy Sexual Desires Don’t Make Sense. Enjoy ‘em Anyway!
Well, everyone is different, and the spicy recipes that you make with your partner will suit both your individual tastes.
But the true benefit for couples is that this spicy stuff brings couples together and creates intimacy.
I’ve always seen it as just something fun and exciting that my wife and I do together, for ourselves and each other, because it’s a blast and so sexually exciting. It was only recently when I was talking with a friend online that I realized that technically, that means we have a kinky relationship, and we’re a kinky couple. Hmm. Okay. I guess that’s true! And I can live with it.
It’s not just kink for kink’s sake. It is creating connection between two people through exploring things together that really, perhaps secretly, turn them on. The person may not be able to explain why it’s a turn on… but being able to trust, explore and experience the excitement of seemingly forbidden fantasies together… how couldn’t it bring two people closer together?
There are tons of fetishes and sexual interests out there to explore! Some seem bizarre: but really, most are understandable and explainable. Examples:
We’ll delve deeper into these and other things in other posts… it’s a fun topic!
But the bottom line is that people do have appetites that are getting satisfied with this stuff.
Maybe the desire being satisfied it’s for being desired. For control. For not being in control. For slaking a thirst for new experiences. For trying something that is forbidden, by rules of gender, morality, or society.
Often, our sexual desires tap into subconscious things: I’ve chatted online with a number of guys who totally got into a frenzy fantasizing about their wives having sex with other men. It makes them overwhelmed with lust and desire for their wives, both because another man is interested in the wife and finds her desirable, but so much so they push to get her… proving her value and sexual desirability. Some even encourage their wives to go through with it. (What the wives get out of it is a bit more easy to grasp.) It is agony and ecstasy for these guys, and while not something I personally want to experience from either end, these guys were able to help me understand what they found thrilling and satisfying about it. (It’s an interesting topic, you can learn lots more by googling hotwife or cuckolding.)
And to emphasize one again the one thing that’s not talked about enough is that kink leads to the fulfillment of being able to try out your own fantasies… and have a willing, even enthusiastic partner who helps you make them come true. Or to say it another way:
Kink is connection, and leads to greater intimacy.
Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: How Normal People Get into Kink: Our Story
But… what is your definition of a terrific sex life?
For me, it’s really about connecting with my partner. Her excitement is what’s most exciting to me. And some of the best sex we’ve had has been plain “vanilla.” Nothing fancy, but where we fed off each other’s exhilaration. I think we all can relate: think of the excitement of the first time you had sex with your partner, with the anxiety, excitement and the thrill of it.
But newness fades. So to keep things fresh we try new things. Not just for the novelty, but to explore and excite our partners, and excite ourselves in return.
Of course, some folks don’t try new things. The result can be “bed death,” a phrase I find so perfectly descriptive. It’s when the sex gets so dull that neither partner sees the point anymore.
So, to stay enthusiastic, we try new things. Sometimes we try the Spicy Sex Stuff, which is more often known as “kink.” Kinky stuff is everywhere nowadays. Books. Movies. Magazines. TV shoes. And it’s a popular topic of conversation.
But you may not know anybody that actually does it. Or admits to doing it. Yet people clearly are doing it. After 50 Shades, became popular, hardware stores reported they were selling out of rope.
And people were into this stuff before 50 Shades came around. My wife and I got into this as a direct result of her interest from reading Ann Rice’s Sleeping Beauty series long before I even met her. (link to affiliate store)
So, we do kinky stuff in the bedroom.
It’s been an absolute blast.
But, despite us playing with kink in the bedroom, we have a modern marriage of equals. So what do we enjoy about this stuff? Well, being equals can be exhausting. Sometimes she gets tired of being the strong woman; she wants me to step up, be in charge, and lead. And for me, being careful to make every single decision together is exhausting for me, too. And frankly, it evaporates my manly independence –which I admit is important to me as a guy—and thus impacts my own feelings of masculinity and also how she perceives me.
I mean, crap, sometimes I just want to say, “Enough. We’ll do it my way. Decided.” <smile> Which is guaranteed to make her explode. So, often we’ll talk, and just do things her way, because I don’t really care, and I don’t want a fight. But sometimes I feel it would be nice to be able to be Papa Bear, and everyone jumps to my commands. But… the world don’t work like that no more, at least not in our house.
She’d never want to give up her power in the relationship. She wants me to be nurturing, be involved with running the house and making a nice home for us and our family, and be sensitive to her needs and emotions. Yet she craves to be overpowered by a strong man. Luckily for both of us, we’ve figured it out, and roleplay in the bedroom scratches that itch. And I’m the one that scratches it. Me. I’m the only one.
And my wife isn’t alone. A recent Huffington Post article by psychologist Randi Gunther, Ph.D. shares that she is seeing numerous couples where, Husbands are happy with more equality. Wives are still divorcing them. The sensitive male does not inspire sexual passion.
But, for us, in the bedroom we have play sessions where we live out these fantasies of her submission and my dominance… my overpowering masculinity, her enthusiastic submission. It’s a mental shift, totally unlike our day-to-day relationship, where she submits to my will.
Being the son of a single, strongly feminist mother, I had issues accepting the dominant role when I figured out that was what she needed, wanted and was asking for. But eventually I figured it out. And it has totally paid off.
For us, her occasional submission gives her permission to be naughty and my object… and to give herself over to her pleasure, as well as mine. She gives up control, and there’s a freedom in that, which she usually doesn’t have. She doesn’t have to think, she just does. And for me, it’s the same thing, just from the opposite direction.
We are fortunate that we’re comfortable going back to our normal roles of equals afterwards with no real trouble. And for some time –days, weeks, even months—we’re both much more happy and relaxed. It also cements in her brain that I am a man who has demonstrated I can –and do—act in bold, dominant male fashion. And it satisfies her need for masculinity.
Some folks enjoy being spanked… and more.
For us, we really aren’t into anything painful, except that a sound spanking can be a lot of fun. For us it’s much more about the roleplaying aspect, but the nerves down in that area get all jumbled up, and there’s crossover that can lead to stronger orgasms for my gal.
There’s also the sensation and adrenaline, and how alive and focused it makes the person getting spanked feel… and it’s exciting to the person giving the spanking as well.
We’re pretty basic in what we do, but you’ve probably seen stuff on the Internet that makes you wince. Us, too. But some folks do enjoy that stuff. Intensely.
Spicy sex is what you like. Like the spices we add to the recipes you like, you cook up what you personally like.
Meanwhile, others seek more “24/7” or “lifestyle” arrangements: a more permanent relationship structure where one person is dominant over the other. In some ways this is reminiscent of “traditional” marriages, but it’s different in that it often now includes a much more explicit sexual element, and either gender can be dominant.
Personally, I see all this this as another example of the normal distribution… the majority of people clump towards the average in anything, but there are always some who at either extremes, and that’s fine for them. Most of us are in the middle, though. We don’t need a full-time dominant-submissive relationship. Yet that is what much of the literature out there is targeted towards… which makes perfect sense, actually. Who’s most passionate about this stuff? The folks who live and breathe it, or who crave it. And that’s one of the things that makes this site different: we’re for the folks in the middle, looking to address marriage friction, communicate better, and improve intimacy through a better sex life.
And, on the other extreme, many people have no interest in kink. And that’s fine, too. It could also be that these folks are in more ‘traditional’ marriages, with more ‘old-style’ gender roles, and no need to play out power games since they live them already. Or they’re just not particularly sexual, or don’t have a need or desire to be dominant or submissive. Or folks have “traditional” values, the idea of explicit sex and things that come with kink may make them uncomfortable.
But, if you’re in a loving, monogamous marriage or relationship, and you are feeling the desire or disconnected from each other, this spicy sex stuff can provide huge benefits.
Read the next post in the Spicing Things Up Series: Becoming a Kinky Couple Reignites Your Relationship and is a Blast!