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Fallen out of Love

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

“I love you… but I’m not in love with you.”

Those words are usually spoken by wives to their husbands, and it means it’s the end.

The woman has fallen out of love. And she doesn’t find him sexually attractive anymore.

There could be any number of reasons. The usual ones are that the couple grew apart, found flaws in their relationship, their priorities changed, or just couldn’t get along. More extreme reasons are abuse, infidelity, financial irresponsibility, or maybe the person just met someone else.

But, let’s think about the last item. Let’s suppose that the guy is a great husband who believes in equality and supports his wife. He vacuums, cooks, takes care of the kids. He encourages his wife to have her own career and interests, listens to her, rubs her neck. He doesn’t push sex on her when she’s tired and stressed. She starts thinking of him not just her husband… but her best friend.

And then she meets the testosterone-laden alpha male who may not do any of those things… but lights her fires like they haven’t been aflame in years. She obsesses on this new man… and gives her nice, caring husband the heave-ho.

Why?

They aren’t rational.

Or, let’s take the flip side of the coin. A guy has a wife who is perfect in every way… but he starts sleeping with a coworker who he’s fallen in love –and lust– with. He throws away his marriage and everything he had.

Again, why?

Hormones again.

Our hormones are addictive. They control us, subconsciously. And they impact both sexes equally.

They drive us to do stupid things for shitty reasons.

But there is an answer

And the answer is that both partners need to be honest with themselves and each other about what they want. And often, this means non-politically correct sex.

In the case of my wife and me, we have found that occasional roleplay in the bedroom resets the stresses of relationship of equals, recharges us, and gives us a cathartic outlet that brings balance to our relationship.

We don’t do it all the time, and we need our regular sexual connection as well. But me taking the dominant role, acting the alpha and giving her orders I expect obeyed lets my wife see me in a more masculine way that she secretly hungers for. And to trigger her enjoyment she has to make the mental shift to surrender and give up control… which is a hard thing for her to do, but ultimately is liberating and cathartic for her.

It’s been the answer for us, and increasingly, science is proving this out.

So, for those wives and husbands who have lost interest in their partner, who have fallen out of love or are risk of doing so, I firmly believe an occasional session of such roleplay does wonders, and can heal some of what is potentially fatally stressing the relationship.

And with that, we end this series of posts.

The next series of posts is called Spicing Things Up: Ignite your Passion! The first post explains what folks enjoy about spicy sex and things that aren’t politically correct but which are bringing back the spark in marriages and relationships.

Read the first post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Why Do People Like the Spicy Sex Stuff?

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Reignite the Spark in your Marriage with New Bedroom Adventures

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Bedroom Adventures

Everybody and their mother is saying you have to spice stuff up in the bedroom nowadays. (“Ewww… Mom, stop!”)

But just because everyone is saying something, it doesn’t mean you should do it. There’s the wisdom of the crowd, and then there’s the herd.

But to me, the question one should always ask is, “Why.” Why should you spice up your sex life?

Well, given the stresses that we’re all under, and how those of us in long-term relationships find that over time the newness fades, leading to us feeling disconnected from our partners, unsatisfied, and like you just want “more” than we’re getting, a little sexual adventurousness could be just the ticket.

Partners are expected to be a hell of a lot nowadays…

In your marriage, you need your partner to not just be a good husband or wife, but also to:

Be a good parent
Be a friend
Be a provider or co-provider
Give you emotional support
Hold you accountable
Keep up the house
Support your goals
Support your personal growth
Fulfill your sexual needs
And so many other things…

When you have to be all these things to each other, it is easy to lose the connection between the two of you. In the rush of things, time for each other, and time for enjoyable, connecting sex falls off the list.

But if you aren’t feeling connected to your partner, or feeling emotionally or sexually unfulfilled, then improving your sex life can go a long way to improving your overall relationship.

Both men and women need sex. But men seem to feel more of a sense of loss and resentment when they don’t have sex, or the sex isn’t frequent or good enough.

But I believe incredibly strongly that sex is a fundamental part of any healthy marriage. It relieves stress, has meditative and cathartic benefits, and brings a couple closer together, wiping out irritants and hurt feelings… or at least puts you in a state of mind where you can talk about things and even let them go.

There’s no lack of things to try: in popular culture there’s an onslaught on everything from about 50 Shades, cougars, high-end dildos and vibrators, swing parties, Viagra, couples porn, sex furniture, cuckolding, and Cosmo giving tips on anal sex. And that’s just on your first page of search results for Tuna Casserole recipes!

Personally, I’m all for whatever drives your zamboni. Within reason of course: nothing that hurts another person, is non-consensual, or causes mental or emotional trauma to others. But, if you get off on draping yourself in velvet, go for it. (Extra points for those who get the pop culture reference!)

But let’s be realistic: just throwing sexual stuff at a relationship is not going to make it better if you have significant issues.

But if it’s “just” a matter of needing to get out of a rut, reconnect sexually and emotionally, and reigniting your passion for your partner, it’s a great thing to do.

There are two terrific reasons to spice up your sex life. The first is to feel closer. The other is to keep things fresh and new and exciting, which is really important to feeling connected. These are related items. But not the same.

So, are you feeling unfulfilled in your relationship or sex life?

Spice things up! How? Check out the next series, Spicing Things Up.

Embarrassed or afraid to bring up the subject with your partner? See my next post.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 1

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Marriage, Part 1: Nourish your Relationship Emotionally, Mentally and Physically

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

This is Part 1 of a six-part post on long-term committed relationships, which for simplicity’s sake I will call Marriage, although I understand there are other kinds of relationships, too.

Part 1 is on what’s unique about these kinds of relationships, the benefits, and the special challenges of nourishing them. Really, it’s about marriage benefits, which we don’t say enough about in today’s world.

Part 2 is on what makes a long-term relationship happy. I believe that if you can define something, you can then work towards achieving it.

Part 3 discusses anger, conflict and communication, and how left unaddressed, it can kill a marriage.

Part 4 is about the long-term impact of anger, conflict and poor communications.

Part 5 is about when the spark and passion is gone in marriage.

Part 6 is Reconnecting sexually in a marriage of equals.

“I brought my wife flowers; she was delighted.”

“I brought my wife flowers every day; it became expected.”

“My husband bought me nothing because we could afford nothing. But he made time to listen to me and talk with me every night while he rubbed my neck.”

“My wife won’t have sex with me, she says she’s too tired every night.”

“My husband makes sure that I always have a full tank of gas.”

“My husband doesn’t come home until after I’m asleep most nights, spending every night with his friends at the bar.”

“My life partner came home early from work to make sure I could go out to girl’s night.”

These are examples of things that are seen as nourishing –or hurting– a relationship.

There’s more to a relationship than small gestures that show you care.

Keeping the spark alive takes work. Dammit.

I believe that as hard as it may be at times, being married is one of life’s greatest rewards.

Marriage is a relationship unlike any other, with you and your partner each committed to each other for life. It’s often hard, and there will always be. But life is much richer when you are each able to wholly trust and rely on each other, when you have a shared purpose, and when each other’s happiness is important to each other.

Ultimately, we are all alone; having someone to share our lives with, happy moments and sad, joyful and stressful, makes everything so much better. I truly believe that shared joy is more joyful, and shared pain more bearable. There is no one else I want to spend my life with than my wife.

Sadly, most marriages in the United States end in divorce. Increasingly, people don’t even see the point in getting married.

Why is this?

Lots of columnists, scientists, marriage counselors and ill-informed bloggers (like this one!) have their opinions. But my opinion is that in this society, people have gravitated more and more to seeking their own happiness and self-interest, and are less interested in committing to marriages that don’t fully provide those benefits.

More, couples today expect to be nourished in their relationships. Emotionally, mentally, physically. But often, people don’t nourish each other very well.

In the old days, people stayed married, even if they weren’t happy. Now, people bail.

More, people used to need to stay married to support a family. And kids were a pretty sure-fire product of having sex, which people wanted to have. And we shouldn’t underestimate men’s desire to have sex: if sex was what was required to have sex, then men were going to get married.

With birth control, sex is more available. This undercuts the one rationale for marriage, both for men and women.

And women now have their own careers and incomes, and don’t need to get married to be able to support their children. Although it certainly helps.

Additionally, although some may disagree, the growth of government public assistance assures that there is some minimum level of basic human needs being provided for children and families who are destitute. Being on welfare isn’t anyone’s first choice, but for some, it does provide a safety net that allows women to provide for their children… and get out of bad marriages if they absolutely have to, or not marry a poor choice of partners at all.

Partners need to know, and discuss, what each of them need and expect in their relationship, to be nourished. And even with marriage and relationships being easier to terminate, really, we all want our relationships not just to last, but to thrive, where we each provide what the other person needs.

This, I would put forward, is the definition of happiness. Where you’re getting what you need. I believe that we all need other people, and in particular, we need the love, commitment, affection, respect and companionship of one person in particular, our life partner. We are born wanting this connection, this partnership. And if even if you’ve had relationships that have gone bad or left you scarred, you still want a person to spend your time with. Perhaps the term “soul-mate” is overused and too romantic. But no one should have to be alone, and having been very alone in my own life, I know how much I value what my gal gives me, every day, even if she’s having a bad day and yelling at me.

Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: Marriage, Part 2: What is a Happy Marriage?

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