You want to explore the kinky stuff because:
- You’re feeling empty
- You’re bored
- You have these desires, these things you want to experience!
- You’re not feeling close to your partner
- You want to bring back the intimacy
But what about your partner? How do they feel about it?
I like to think that most people are open-minded and have some sense of adventure, and would like to try new things.
But some people are resistant, for predictable reasons. Maybe these things seem immoral or against their religion or values. Maybe they feel that these are not things that nice people do. Or that if their family or friends found out, they’d be judged harshly.
Maybe, there’s even some of the Madonna-Whore thing that some men have, including some men that I know, where some men can’t bring themselves to have raunchy sex with their bride and mother of their children, because they consider it dirty and they don’t want to soil their woman with their carnal desires
It’s a shame, because they are both denying themselves and their wives a more satisfying relationship. It’s at least partially religion- and family-based. And also, these same men are more prone to take on mistresses on the side, with whom they can have raunchy sex without it impacting their conscience. How that’s better is a pretty impressive piece of rationalization. But in my opinion (and some disagree) fidelity to your spouse is critical to your relationship, and having a secret mistress is not cool. Although, such marriages do tend to last, as divorce is also very frowned upon in such families. But anyway, if I were the wife and mother in such a relationship, I’d insist my husband not stray, and not deny me the sex life I deserve.
How about a spouse that’s just really straight… not interested in trying anything that isn’t missionary. That one can be tough, as again, morality and expectations get all wrapped up in there. I’d suggest in such a case you start slow, and introduce things very slowly, one at a time, getting your spouse used to things before introducing the next. I was chatting online with someone who had a very traditional girlfriend, and sex was dull… until one night, he reached up and put a hand on her throat as he entered her. This triggered something primal in her, and opened up the door to trying new things, with enthusiasm on her part. They never called it what it was, which was rough sex or even dominance and submission, but it worked for them.
If you’re a wife with unadventurous husband, you can introduce lingerie and candles and other tame things, until one night when he’s excited you pull out a little vibrator and ask him to use it on you… or perhaps lay yourself over his lap and say you’ve been naughty and he should spank you a bit before you’ve earned the main course. He may be shocked, but if he loves you and wants to please you, he’ll do it. Your job is to give him lots of positive reinforcement as he makes each tentative step… show him and tell him how excited you are and how pleasurable you find it… and your excitement should be contagious. And he’ll be thinking about it afterwards, and will want to do it again.
If your partner raises objections that he or she doesn’t feel right about it, then you may have to stand up for yourself, and say that you feel fine about it, and you have needs and desires, too… and that you never feel closer than when you share such things.
The flat out refusal
That’s hard. It happens. But seriously… not often. And you have to ask yourself, what have you got to lose? You have a right to feel fulfilled in your marriage and sex life, and we all need our needs filled. If your spouse can’t fill them, then who can? If you need to, talk to a counselor on this one topic to get over it.
The absolute worst-case scenario is that your spouse judges your requests and desires as immoral and wrong, and treats you as if you are doing something wrong. In most of the Western World, this isn’t so likely. But it could and does happen.
So what do you do?
Honestly, it depends on how much of a partnership your marriage really is.
If it is an old-world marriage, with the man in charge and no negotiation possible, then your options are limited. But, alternately, you may have married a person in a conservative culture who is like you, and is happy and relieved to be able to explore their desires with their life-mate.
And one thing about conservative cultures that works to our advantage is that what people do behind closed doors is their own business; people don’t want to know, but they also believe in independence and freedom of choice, even if they don’t agree with that choice.
The attitude is, “My house, my rules.” So, you need to figure out how to get your partner to adopt the rules you like.
Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series: No Spicy Dice: My Partner is Not Interested in Kinky Sex
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