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You are here: Home / Archives for tips

Interest your Partner in the Exhilaration of Spicy Sex and Kink

November 5, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

You want to explore the kinky stuff because:

  • You’re feeling empty
  • You’re bored
  • You have these desires, these things you want to experience!
  • You’re not feeling close to your partner
  • You want to bring back the intimacy

But what about your partner? How do they feel about it?

I like to think that most people are open-minded and have some sense of adventure, and would like to try new things.

But some people are resistant, for predictable reasons. Maybe these things seem immoral or against their religion or values. Maybe they feel that these are not things that nice people do. Or that if their family or friends found out, they’d be judged harshly.

Maybe, there’s even some of the Madonna-Whore thing that some men have, including some men that I know, where some men can’t bring themselves to have raunchy sex with their bride and mother of their children, because they consider it dirty and they don’t want to soil their woman with their carnal desires

It’s a shame, because they are both denying themselves and their wives a more satisfying relationship. It’s at least partially religion- and family-based. And also, these same men are more prone to take on mistresses on the side, with whom they can have raunchy sex without it impacting their conscience. How that’s better is a pretty impressive piece of rationalization. But in my opinion (and some disagree) fidelity to your spouse is critical to your relationship, and having a secret mistress is not cool. Although, such marriages do tend to last, as divorce is also very frowned upon in such families. But anyway, if I were the wife and mother in such a relationship, I’d insist my husband not stray, and not deny me the sex life I deserve.

How about a spouse that’s just really straight… not interested in trying anything that isn’t missionary. That one can be tough, as again, morality and expectations get all wrapped up in there. I’d suggest in such a case you start slow, and introduce things very slowly, one at a time, getting your spouse used to things before introducing the next. I was chatting online with someone who had a very traditional girlfriend, and sex was dull… until one night, he reached up and put a hand on her throat as he entered her. This triggered something primal in her, and opened up the door to trying new things, with enthusiasm on her part. They never called it what it was, which was rough sex or even dominance and submission, but it worked for them.

If you’re a wife with unadventurous husband, you can introduce lingerie and candles and other tame things, until one night when he’s excited you pull out a little vibrator and ask him to use it on you… or perhaps lay yourself over his lap and say you’ve been naughty and he should spank you a bit before you’ve earned the main course. He may be shocked, but if he loves you and wants to please you, he’ll do it. Your job is to give him lots of positive reinforcement as he makes each tentative step… show him and tell him how excited you are and how pleasurable you find it… and your excitement should be contagious. And he’ll be thinking about it afterwards, and will want to do it again.

If your partner raises objections that he or she doesn’t feel right about it, then you may have to stand up for yourself, and say that you feel fine about it, and you have needs and desires, too… and that you never feel closer than when you share such things.

The flat out refusal

That’s hard. It happens. But seriously… not often. And you have to ask yourself, what have you got to lose? You have a right to feel fulfilled in your marriage and sex life, and we all need our needs filled. If your spouse can’t fill them, then who can? If you need to, talk to a counselor on this one topic to get over it.

Judging

The absolute worst-case scenario is that your spouse judges your requests and desires as immoral and wrong, and treats you as if you are doing something wrong. In most of the Western World, this isn’t so likely. But it could and does happen.

So what do you do?

Honestly, it depends on how much of a partnership your marriage really is.

If it is an old-world marriage, with the man in charge and no negotiation possible, then your options are limited. But, alternately, you may have married a person in a conservative culture who is like you, and is happy and relieved to be able to explore their desires with their life-mate.

And one thing about conservative cultures that works to our advantage is that what people do behind closed doors is their own business; people don’t want to know, but they also believe in independence and freedom of choice, even if they don’t agree with that choice.

The attitude is, “My house, my rules.” So, you need to figure out how to get your partner to adopt the rules you like.


Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  No Spicy Dice: My Partner is Not Interested in Kinky Sex

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Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 2: The Spicy Sex Checklist

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan 1 Comment

Let’s say that your partner has agreed to up their game and try new things. And you might have an idea of things that you want to do right away.

However, those things may be way too much for your spouse first thing. Likewise, there might be some things your spouse might be open to, that you’re not ready for.

What to do?

Thanks to the Internet, the answer is simple, and accessible.

Sit down one night, and go through a sexual checklist.

There are lots of them out there. Below, I’ve provided links to three. The first is a lot less likely to freak your spouse out if they’re a bit sheltered. The second checklist gets into more adventurous stuff. And the last checklist is a complete and detailed lists of activities you may never have heard of. You might have to Google some of the terms. I did.

But the idea is to go through the list together, and to see which items you each might want to try… and even better, find a few that you’re both enthusiastic about trying. That is a great place to start.

Basic Spicy Sex Checklist

Intermediate Spicy Sex Checklist

Whoa! Crazy Kinky Spicy Sex Checklist

You can look through these, and copy and paste just the sections you want to review with your partner. And you can even tell them there’s more for another time.

And of course, there are plenty of books out there on all kinds of sexual topics, and you can order them online so you don’t have to be embarrassed at the bookstore checkout line. The disadvantage is that shoving a book at your partner with a request that they read it has a low probability of them actually reading. In my opinion, you’re better off with a finite task you do together.

Plus… if you do it right, it should be fun! It will certainly be educational. I will always remember going through a similar list with my wife a decade or so back. I think my jaw dropped. “You want to do that?? Uh… okay!!! I’ll do it!”


Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 3: Other Ideas for Discussing The Sensitive Topic of Spicy Sex

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Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 1

November 4, 2014 by Edward Ryan Leave a Comment

Know what you’re asking for

So… you have an idea of how you want to spice things up in the bedroom. Maybe you…

  • Read 50 Shades, and got turned on by the focus, assertiveness and masculinity of Mr. Gray…
  • Saw an article in Cosmo that gave you the idea to try something you’d never have considered before…
  • Heard of the guys at the bar mention that his new girlfriend is crazy for anal…
  • Saw a commercial on TV for a hotel with a heart-shaped tub…
  • Want to visit a Gentleman’s Club in Vegas…
  • Want to experiment with toys, bondage, or spanking?

And now… you’re terrified to bring the subject up with your spouse.

But getting the sex you want requires discussing your desires with your partner. Even if it’s hard.

If you don’t ask, the answer is always “No.”

On the plus side, at least you know what turns you on.

So, if you want it, you have to ask for it. Your spouse can’t read your mind.

But… maybe you’re afraid of being rejected?

Well, if you don’t ask, you’ll always be rejected. And remember, timing is everything.

Or, it may be a case that you’re just embarrassed, or afraid of being judged.

But gals, trust me, in most cases men will be delighted to try anything sexual you’d like to explore. Heck, we’ll be incredibly grateful you told us, and trusted us… and will feel closer to you for your just asking!

And the same might go for guys talking to their partners, as well.

If afraid your straight-and-narrow partner might reject you, then think of how to introduce the idea to them in a non-threatening way.

Sometimes, just the right tone of voice goes a long way.

Saying lightly, “Ya know, I’ve always kinda wanted to try that. Ha ha! Isn’t that crazy? But it turns me on.” You didn’t ask or push her for whatever it might be, and at worst, they might say no way, Jose. But there’s a chance they might say yes.

If she says no, it raises the opportunity to ask, again in a non-threatening way, “Really? Why wouldn’t you do that?” She might raise legitimate concerns and objections… and chances are, they’re more about her and how she’s afraid you might view her if she did that thing, than anything having to do with you. But it gives you the chance to start the discussion, and maybe you can convince her to give it a try some time.

And, again, if you don’t ask, then the answer is always, “No.”

So, talking is always the first thing to do. But timing is everything. Perhaps after the kids are asleep on a Saturday, in front of the fire, with a bottle of wine.

And see what you can find out that they might like to try, too.


Read the next post in the Keeping the Spark Alive Series:  Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 2: The Checklist

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Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 1

Discussing Your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 2: The Spicy Sex Checklist

Discussing your Sexual Desires with your Partner, Part 3: Other Ideas for Discussing the Sensitive Sex Topic of Spicy Sex

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When They Won’t Have Sex, Part 2: Health and Hormone Issues

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Your Crazy Sexual Desires Don’t Make Sense. Enjoy ’em Anyway!

Explore Kink: Ten Spicy Sex Life Improvers for Couples!

Interest your Partner in the Exhilaration of Spicy Sex and Kink

No Spicy Dice: My Partner is Not Interested in Kinky Sex

The Spicy Internet: The Good, the Bad, the Great, and the Awful…

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Just in the Bedroom

How Normal Couples Get into Kink: Our Story

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